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TECHNO: Alright. Walk me through the process.
SCHLATT: So— Technoblade. Let me tell you a little about what it takes to be a businessman.
TECHNO: I'm all ears.
SCHLATT: Being a businessman, it means figuring out what people want before they even want it, right? You see a niche, and you step in. You fill that fucking craving. And once you make them want it, you make them fucking need it. You understand me?
TECHNO: Vaguely and nonspecifically.
SCHLATT: Schlattcoin.
TECHNO: …Right.
SCHLATT: They want it, right? They want the brand. They want the recognition. They want their names fucking attached to it. And then, once they get a taste, you make it exclusive. You make it harder to get.
TECHNO: I'll be honest, man. You sound like a drug dealer right now.
SCHLATT: Exactly! Everything can be an addiction. It's all just business, Techno.
TECHNO: Wise words.
SCHLATT: Look. Right now? Right now, we ask for diamonds. And then, when they need it, when they can't fucking live without it: diamond blocks. We'll take them for everything they've fucking got and they'll thank us for it.
TECHNO: …Just diamond blocks? Not going any further than that?
SCHLATT: What the hell does that mean?
TECHNO: Just curious. Not a fan of netherite?
SCHLATT: …What the fuck is a netherite?
_
TECHNO: So are you on the commune now, or—?
CONNOR: You know— I think I'm on the whole "capitalist pig" side of things at this point in my life. No offence.
TECHNO: None taken. I mean, I think I should put you on the chopping block given the whole anarchy schtick but that'd make me a bit of a hypocrite.
CONNOR: Right.
TECHNO: Different servers, and all.
CONNOR: Yeah, exactly.
TECHNO: Everybody's gotta try a little world domination every now and again, right? Helps to keep things in perspective.
CONNOR: Ours was more just dominating the financial world. Though I don't think there was much dominating going on there, either.
TECHNO: Yeah.
CONNOR: Competing currencies— you know how it is. Makes you a lot of enemies, either way.
TECHNO: Right, right. I saw that one on the wiki.
CONNOR: The wiki?
TECHNO: I like to stay informed. Wasn't much on there, anyways.
CONNOR: Yeah, I guess we had some enemies. It was never really serious, though. Not like it was here.
TECHNO: Lower stakes, I get it. Must have been nice.
CONNOR: It could be, yeah. Being watched all the time could get fucking stressful, though.
TECHNO: Oh, tell me about it.
_
TY: So should I just— crouch here on the stairs?
TECHNO: For the purpose of this interview we're gonna call it "sitting" on the "chair" but— yeah, we're crouchin' on the stairs.
TY: Nice place.
TECHNO: You think so?
TY: Yeah. I mean— nice maybe isn't the word, but… You know, SMPLive was big, but this place—
TECHNO: Yeah.
TY: This place was big. This place… man.
TECHNO: Eh. Things quieted down eventually. At least until you started throwing the word 'lore' around. They went crazy for that.
TY: Lore?
TECHNO: Long story, lotta retcons. Not important. We're here to talk about you.
TY: Right, right— so is this, like, an interview?
TECHNO: Of sorts. I mean, at first it was just a catalogue of this place and the people in it. A little back and forth, some snappy one-liners, a reference here and there. It's grown past itself, now. It's grown past itself a few times, actually.
TY: Huh.
TECHNO: None of that's important right now, though. Let's talk about child labor.
TY: Oh. You know about that?
TECHNO: Well, it is on the wiki.
TY: I always thought of it as more of an… unpaid internship. One with grueling hours and a lot of insults being thrown.
TECHNO: So— a typical internship, then.
TY: Yeah, exactly. Something to let me gain a little experience in the field, something to put on my resume. I thought that— I mean, they were going places, right?
TECHNO: Right.
TY: So if I just, just stuck with it I'd ride that up too, you know? Get involved in the business, find my own foothold in the market. Maybe end up being one of the co-owners one day.
TECHNO: Pretty hard to split a hundred percent three different ways, though.
TY: …Yeah. So maybe just a shareholder, then.
TECHNO: You know, I never asked— what was the business? The wiki is pretty sparse.
TY: Well, you know. It was business. People would give us diamonds, and we'd sell them Schlattcoin— and then some other business things.
TECHNO: Sounds like you're not too sure either.
TY: Well, I am just an intern.
_
SCHLATT: Mind if I pour myself a drink?
TECHNO: …That is a bookshelf.
SCHLATT: What? No it's— this is clearly a bar table. Look at all the fuckin' bottles all lined up! It's—
TECHNO: Right, right, I see—
SCHLATT: It's fuckin'— whiskey and margaritas and—
TECHNO: Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
SCHLATT: Thank you. [footsteps, rustling noises] You want anything while I'm up?
TECHNO: Eh. I'll take a scotch.
SCHLATT: Good man, Techno. Keeping it classy.
TECHNO: Thank you, thank you. So you're back to drinking?
SCHLATT: Never fucking stopped, baby.
TECHNO: I mean I'd just assumed, given the whole heart thing—
SCHLATT: [loud slurping] Heart thing?
TECHNO: Right, right. Another server. Ignore me.
SCHLATT: Hm.
TECHNO: You still walk everywhere?
SCHLATT: Of course I walk everywhere. Why the hell would I run?
TECHNO: Curious about the overlap, I guess. Though crossovers have been a lot more common, recently.
_
TECHNO: So, Ty. Where do you see yourself in five years.
TY: Five years from now? Or from when I was… God.
TECHNO: Yeah.
TY: My head fucking hurts.
TECHNO: Time travel will do that to you.
TY: Five years from who I am now I'm— I'm right here, but… Fuck. How old am I again?
TECHNO: How old are you then, or how old are you right now?
TY: Does it matter?
TECHNO: Well. That depends on who you ask.
TY: In five years… I think I want to still be in business with Schlatt and Connor. I'll follow them wherever they go, if they'll let me.
TECHNO: Hm.
TY: What's with that face?
TECHNO: Just listening. And hey, remember, it's always okay to change your plans. No shame in that.
TY: …Okay?
_
TECHNO: You been busy?
CONNOR: Oh, yeah. Mostly just variety stuff. A few events here and there.
TECHNO: No more stolen valor?
CONNOR: I mean, not yet. But I guess if something else starts happening I can find a reason to show up. There just hasn't been much going on recently.
TECHNO: There were the nukes.
CONNOR: Oh, yeah, I'd heard about those. So— did they destroy the entire server?
TECHNO: You know, I've heard a lot of conflicting reports.
CONNOR: Par for the course, right?
TECHNO: Tell me about it. At least I'm not being adopted anymore.