Archive of Our Own ^beta

He wakes up for the fourth time in the night. He's been having those dreams again, dreams of his childhood —more specifically— memories of Felix and him.

He rolls on his bed once more, his little nest as Plagg calls it. It's a mess of pillows of all sizes, many sheets and blankets layered one on top of the other and his crying scarameow crying Scaramouche cat plushie. He always makes it when he's feeling down. It's cozy and comfortable but there's always something missing.

He knows he's missing Felix.

They used to make these nests quite often when they were little, hidden inside a fort of blankets that they filled with books and crayons and a dvd player. They were different back then, even if Adrien hasn't changed much they were still different back then

Adrien was reckless and innocent and full of energy. He would guide Felix with their little hands intertwined through their "adventures" and always assume the role of a big brother. Felix was quiet, timid, more of a follow the leader type of boy, he was also full of energy but more scared overall, like he was anxious something was watching. He was the little bother he swore to protect.

Sure, they are cousins, but in Adrien's mind Felix has always been his brother. His other half, someone he could count on and go crazy together, face the world together.

But those times are gone. One day, they stopped seeing each other. One day, they stopped messaging each other. One day, they stopped being each other. And by the time they saw each other again, they were different people.

He rolls to the other side of the nest, hugging his crying cat plushie closer. 

Where did it all go wrong? When did they change? 

He gets to go back to bits of his old self when he's Chat Noir, but nowadays his role as a hero doesn't bring him that satisfaction anymore, that adrenaline, that joy, that... freedom. It just —is— nowadays. Just like everything is for him now, and he is so so tired he just goes with it. He's grown used to conform to the space he's been reduced to.

Felix changed the most out of the two, he's quite literally the contrary of his younger self. Sure, he is quiet, but he is now cold and calculated in his silence. Sure, he's still timid, he doesn't know how to make friends and is awkward in social gatherings, but he is more apathetic in his approach, sometimes cruel, sometimes indifferent. Everything else, he completely changed and he doesn't know what to make of it.

He isn't bothered by the change itself, he is used to cold people, he is just... destroyed heartbroken that he experienced those changes because he was cruel to him first.

He doesn't know how to react to that. He doesn't know what do with it.

He tried to reach out so many times and was left hanging every one of them he just doesn't know.

Did he do something wrong? Did he hurt Felix somehow? Did his little brother hate him?

He rolls one more time feeling the tears threatening to spill once more. He is tired. He is just so tired. 

He remembers the times they used to act like twins, where they would act like the other and trick their parents just to have fun. They were little rascals but he misses those days. Now, in the times Felix has visited they've changed places once again, but it wasn't because they wanted to have fun or remember the old days, it wasn't a happy experience. Felix tricked him, have him for a fool and then use his persona as a means to an end. He still doesn't understand —what— end but he knows the consequences, what it caused, and he is still debating in his heart how to feel about it.

He knows it was wrong, he knows that Felix was doing something evil and has no justification but—

That's his brother. And his brother tricked him.

The tears are rolling down his cheeks now and falling over the sheets.

He loves him. He loves him so much. He's the only family he has left and it seems like Felix doesn't want to be near him anymore, or be related to him in any way. 

Adrien yearns and mourns for his brother. His twin. His other side of the coin. Felix looks for any opportunity to separate the connections between them, even their status as twins. That hurts him. He knows it's okay for Felix to want to be his own person now outside of their familiarities. But it still hurts him.

It hurts him that he has moved on while he is still trapped here with the ghosts of his past. It hurts him that he has changed into a new person while he is stuck here wearing the same shirt now with wrinkles. It hurts him that he managed to move forward while he is still unable to take the first step, unsure if it's right for him to take it.

It hurts. 

He can't move on.

How can you move on when the person you so yearn and mourn for is still there —right in front of you— but is constantly walking out of your reach?