Chapter Text
Loser. Loser. Loser.
With every nail that Darry pounded into a shingle, the refrain echoed around his head. He couldn't shut it up, not with listing every teacher he'd had since preschool, not going through the table of elements, not reciting each country and its capital city. He finally gave up trying to push it away. He deserved to feel this.
He was a loser. 24 years old, with nothing to show for his life. Such a low-down creep that he'd ripped into his little brother for no reason other than that he was jealous. It wasn't Pony's fault he'd chosen this life. It wasn't anyone's choice but his own. He knew that, and he thought he'd made his peace with it years ago.
He would apologize to Pony, later. He hoped he'd be forgiving. How many times over the years had he had to humble himself like this and admit his wrong doing? He was such a screw up, such a failure. His parents would be ashamed. 24 years old, and he still hadn't learned to control his temper. Pathetic.
'Hey there, Curtis? Ya alright?'
Darry slowed his breathing, set down his hammer and turned to face Ricky, forcing a smile onto his face.
'Oh, yeah. I'm fine.'
Ricky regarded him with concern. It was clear he didn't believe him.
'What's eating you? Is it that girl?'
Darry shrugged.
'Sorta. It's more my little brother. We had an argument.'
'Ponyboy?'
'He goes by 'Michael' now. Thinks he's too good for the name my parents gave him.'
O'Donnell chuckled.
'C'mon. Give the kid a break. If you had to convince people your name was for real every time you introduced yourself, you might do the same. Don't take it personal.'
Darry scoffed, but the man's words resonated with him. It did make sense. So why was he determined to take it as a personal slight every time Pony corrected him?
Because he didn't want to face that question, he muttered something about a water break and scuttled off like a coward.
The shade was a blessed relief from the unusually warm October day. He was glad it would soon be turning cooler, as fall set in.
He refilled his water flask from the cooler and sat down on the grass, dragging his hand down his face as he flopped down. He checked his watch. He'd take five. He didn't want to be counted a slacker. What Darry would never tell anyone was that he didn't feel the same ever since his hospital stay. His overall strength was less, his energy drained more quickly than usual, and he would get dizzy spells here and there. Overall, he just felt 'off'. He supposed he just needed time. He'd get there. His body had been through a huge ordeal, after all.
'Hey there,' a feminine voice spoke, and Darry snapped his gaze from his boots and locked eyes with a cute blonde nurse. He thought he vaguely recognized her. Maybe she had assisted in some procedure. He had honestly lost track of the kaleidoscope of staff that had gone in and out of his room during the few days he remembered of his hospital stay.
Darry felt alarmed as she regarded him, arms folded, plump lips twisted into a smirk. What did she want? Maybe she was Laurie's friend, come to reinforce that he was nothing but an annoying creep? If so, he could let her know he'd received the message loud and clear.
'Well, dollface, it surely has been a treat watchin' you work out here,' she drawled, 'I wondered if you wanted to take me out this weekend.'
A few of his coworkers, whom he hadn't realized were eavesdropping, hooted and hollered from the roof.
Darry felt uncomfortably hot. She was pretty, no doubt about it, but the cocky way she assumed he'd say yes rubbed him the wrong way. He didn't really want to, but how could he say that? He'd only hurt her feelings and humiliate himself in front of the entire crew. They'd think there was something wrong with him, turning this girl down. And at least she clearly didn't think he was a creep. Maybe this was the best way to get over Laurie. His coworkers were always telling him he needed to loosen up. It didn't have to be serious.
'S-sure. Let me- uh- give you my number.'
She giggled.
'Uh-uh. I'll give you mine.'
She produced a little twirl of paper and tucked it behind his ear, bending over so far that he could see down her blouse. Darry gulped. Wolf-whistles rang out from above them.
'I'm Cindy,' she whispered in his ear, lingering there for longer than seemed necessary.
'Darrel- uh- you can call me Darry.'
'Oh, I will, sugar. Maybe, if you show me a good time, I'll take you back to my place and you can have me screaming it out.'
Her breath tickled his ear as he choked, unable to form a response to her lewd suggestion. He was sure he was as red as a fire truck. He prayed the men hadn't heard her.
Cindy pulled back, flashing a triumphant glance towards the window that he now knew faced out of the nurses' break room. He could make out a gaggle of women there, seemingly beside themselves at what they had just witnessed.
A sudden panic flashed through his mind. Was this some sort of humiliation ritual, to get back at him on Laurie's behalf?
He scrambled to his feet, almost tripping over his cumbersome work boots in the process.
'I better get back to work,' he said, hurriedly.
Cindy smiled languidly back at him.
'Don't let me stop you. I'll just stay here and enjoy the view.'
Darry felt faintly nauseous as he climbed the ladder, but he knew this had nothing to do with the heat. It was the feeling he always got when Margie Harris, his grocery store boss, would sneak up behind him and hiss disgusting innuendos in his ear. The same feeling he got when he noticed women staring at him while he worked. Like he was nothing more to them that a collection of body parts to be ogled at. Sometimes it made him feel stupid that it bothered him. He'd enjoyed the attention in high school, sure, what teenage boy wouldn't? But after a while , he'd gotten tired of dating girls that couldn't hold an interesting conversation and were more concerned about if they'd get voted Prom Queen, and what he'd look like in a tux. He had thought that women left that type of mentality behind once grown, but unfortunately, he'd found that wasn't often the case.
Speaking of which, where did Laurie get off, calling him a creep? He'd seen her along with the others, yesterday.
He honestly couldn't think of what he had done to earn her disdain. Had it been the way his body had reacted when she'd tended to him in the hospital? He'd been so embarrassed, but it wasn't as if he could help it. He had told himself that she would understand, be professional about it. But it must be that, unless he truly was so inept- and he might well be- that he'd missed the real reason.
Maybe it was that he was so gutless, his kid brother had had to ask her for her number. Perhaps it had seemed cowardly to her. He wouldn't blame her for thinking so. Not that he'd asked Soda to do that. He had threatened to wring the kid's neck.
Either way, he didn't trust his judgment right now, and he certainly didn't trust Cindy. He'd encountered her type before. Shallow, superficial, and ready to dump you at the first inconvenience.
He pushed his mouth into what should pass for a satisfied grin as he reached the roof, and accepted the slaps on the back and knowing winks as if he had enjoyed the interaction.
When no one was looking, he plucked out the scrap of paper and let it catch the breeze. He wasn't playing into any more games with women. He was always destined to lose.
*********
The drive to Soda's was 20 minutes. That was long enough. He needed to explain himself to Pony, say sorry. He'd beg if he had to. He couldn't stand falling out with his brothers. Like Soda always reminded them, they were all they had left.
A selfish part of him wanted to avoid Soda finding out about his behavior. Either way, he wanted to resolve this, so that the evening wouldn't be spoiled, so that Pony would be able to understand that he didn't mean all he had said. Rather, he hadn't meant to say it, and wasn't that almost the same thing?
For a long time, Soda and Pony had tried encouraging him to share his emotions, but Darry wondered whether it would be better to keep them locked away. It had worked for him for most of his life, why change now? Every time he did open up, he seemed to cause hurt and upset. Because he was a loser. And a creep. And a lousy brother.
He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, trying to be patient while he waited for Ponyboy to exit the house. He half-expected that the kid would refuse to ride with him. He wouldn't blame him.
Finally, when they were on the cusp of being late, Pony rushed out of the front door with his jacket half hanging off his shoulder and his laces trailing behind him, rushed down the sidewalk and through the gate, which he pulled to, carelessly, so that it popped open again.
Darry sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.
He wouldn't pick another battle right now. He could leave it. It wasn't a big deal.
He worked on deep breaths as his brother hopped into the truck and slammed the door, immediately folding his arms and turning his back towards Darry, dashing his hopes that had maybe he'd been forgiven already.
Remembering how Pony's excited face had quickly descended to tearful this morning, he decided to plunge right on in.
'Ponyboy, please, would you look at me? I have somethin' to say.'
With reluctance, Pony complied, fixing a reproachful gaze on him.
Darry forged on.
'The way I spoke to you this morning was uncalled for. I'm real sorry. I want you to think of the house as much your own as mine, and if you still want to bring her, I'd love to meet your girl.'
Silence. Darry waited, his heart pounding. Was the kid just going to leave him hanging?
He cleared his throat.
'Pony. I said I was sorry. Can you- answer me or somethin'?'
Pony shrugged.
'What am I s'posed to say? Thanks for apologizing, I guess, but that doesn't just undo everything you said.'
Darry started the truck. They were going to be late. He backed up and pulled onto the road.
'I really am sorry, little buddy. I mean it.'
Silence again.
'Please, Pony.'
'Just stop, Darry. I heard you. I know you're sorry. What I want to know is, am I gonna have to live my whole life with this hanging over me? The fact that Dad and Mom died and left you with this horrible burden isn't my fault! I can't help being six years younger than you! Maybe you should have stuck me in a boys' home after all! Then you could have gone to college and maybe you wouldn't be so angry at me. You say you're sorry, and I believe you, but the way you were this morning? Don't tell me you haven't been wanting to say those things for a while now.'
Darry's heart broke as he heard the anguish in Pony's voice. He was a monster.
He focused on keeping the truck pointed straight, blinking away the blurriness in his vision. He took a deep breath and attempted to keep the quiver out of his voice. It was time to be vulnerable. That's what his brothers were always telling him.
Just let people in, Darry. Explain to them. Be vulnerable, instead of lashing out.
At the least, he owed Pony an explanation for his blow up this morning.
'Little buddy. Please don't ever think I regret my decision to keep you and Soda. I don't. Knowing what I know now, I'd still make the same choice. It's just- sometimes- I get jealous, Pony. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I do. You get to live out your college dream, and Soda has Angie and the kids. I feel like- you're all movin' forward and I'm just- stuck. Like I won't ever amount to anythin', like I'm just a- a loser. I'm sor- I regret that that all came out at you this mornin'. It wasn't fair and it won't happen again.'
Darry always felt embarrassed when he shared his emotions. For a long time, this had caused his youngest brother to assume that he didn't have any, apart from anger. They had moved past that, at least, but it still didn't help the wave of self-loathing that washed over Darry every time he opened up. He didn't like showing weakness to anyone, least of all his kid brothers, who needed him to be strong. Why couldn't he just shut some of this stuff down? He used to be better at that.
If only he had kept his damn mouth shut this morning. Then he wouldn't feel compelled to spill his guts right now and explain himself.
Pony didn't say anything for a minute or two, and Darry could hardly stand it. He considered begging again. He had to make this right.
Just when he started to feel really desperate, Pony spoke.
'Pull over.'
'What?'
'Pull over, Darry.'
'Uh, ok. You're not plannin' to walk the rest of the way, are ya? Because I'll let you have the truck. I understand if you don't want to ride with me.'
'No, you idiot. I want to give you a hug.'
'Oh. Right.'
Darry pulled the truck over as soon as he was able, and the moment he threw it in park, his little brother was wrapping him up in a bone-crushing hug.
'Watch it,' he joked, returning the embrace, 'You're gettin' so big, you don't know your own strength.'
'Shut up. I'll never be as strong as you are, Superman.'
'Don't call me that,' Darry said, ashamed, 'the way I treated you-'
'It's OK, Darry. I'm sorry I've been so wrapped up in all my own stuff. I should have thought about how you might be feeling. I know I couldn't be doing any of this without you.'
Darry didn't particularly want to cry this evening, so he buried his face into Pony's shoulder and let himself forget about the time.
'Dar?'
'Hmm.'
'You're not a loser.'
Darry gave a half-hearted chuckle.
'Thanks, little colt.'
He pulled away, reluctantly.
'Well. We'd better get going. Don't want to be any later than we already are.'
Pony laughed.
'And....he's back. My big brother, the time hawk.'
Darry grinned back at him, glad that things were smoothed over.
He prayed that they could stay that way.
************
'I am such a bad sister-in-law,' wailed Angie, as soon as they walked in the apartment door, 'you came home from hospital, probably had nothin' to eat, no laundry done, nothin'.'
Darry was perplexed. Weeks had gone by since he'd gotten home. But then, he never claimed to understand Angie.
She seized Pony in a tight hug, then released him, with a push.
'Go help Soda with the kids,' she ordered, 'I need to talk to your brother.'
Pony obeyed, widening his eyes at Darry once Angie turned her back.
Darry felt perturbed. What did Angie want? Once she was on the warpath, no one was safe. He quirked his eyebrow at Pony, pretending to be amused.
Angie regarded him with an unreadable expression, then rushed toward him, squeezing him over-enthusiastically.
'Careful, Ang. A guy needs to breathe, ya know.'
'You're getting skinnier,' she accused, 'you've not been takin' care of yourself. And I haven't helped a lick. I feel horrible.'
Darry ran his hand through his hair, a nervous tic he could never break. Was it really that noticeable?
'Aww, you say that every time I come over here. And you're too hard on yourself. In case you don't remember, you were about to have a baby, and you weren't feelin' so hot. Don't worry about me, Ang.'
She regarded him, her head cocked to one side.
'Oh, but I do, Darry. I do.'
Darry shifted his feet and decided to take her words as a joke. He chuckled weakly.
'That was a month ago. It really doesn't matter. I'm fine.'
'It was only yesterday that I connected all the dots. For some reason, we assumed Pony would be home when you were released. We thought that since you didn't call us for a ride, that you must have called him.'
She narrowed her eyes, hand on hips.
'But when he and Soda talked, they realized they both had been under the impression that the other had brought you home. And neither of those knuckleheads thought to check on things at the house. Normally, I would have been on top of it, but I thought, for once, that I could leave you boys unsupervised, as I was about to give birth and all. But, no. You had to tough it out, like you always do.'
Darry squirmed under her gaze.
'I didn't want to bother anyone,' he muttered, 'you all have important things going on.'
'Darrel Curtis. You really are an idiot sometimes, makes it hard to believe you were on the honor roll. Don't you understand that you're one of those important things? Nothin' is more important than family.'
Huh. The second time he'd been called an idiot this evening.
'But- you said- you said I had caused stress for everyone. I didn't want to take Soda away from you, anymore than I already had.'
Angie sighed, long-sufferingly.
'I only said that, to try and persuade you into taking better care of yourself. We weren't stressed because we resented it. We were stressed because we care about you! And it makes us worry more, knowing that you're trying to push through things without asking for help!'
Darry processed her words, feeling guilty. He should have done a better job of hiding his tracks. But it was touching, how much she seemed to care. He'd always wanted a sister, and, after four years of being Soda's other half, she did feel like another sibling.
'Thanks for looking out for me, Ang,' he replied sincerely.
She sat, patting the couch beside her. He sank down into it, gratefully, his body aching from the long day of work.
'You were in no state to be walking home, Darry, it makes me feel sick to think that you felt like you were a bother or a burden, like you couldn't even call. The thought of you walking all that way in your condition....'
Darry picked anxiously at the patch on his pant leg. She was sounding an awful lot like Laurie.
'If it makes you feel better,' he blurted, 'I got a ride from a friend?'
No, Darry, that wasn't meant to be a question. You're meant to sound convincing.
'But you don't-' she broke off, clapping her hand over her mouth.
Darry smirked. He had the upper hand now.
'I don't what, Angie?'
She shook her head, briskly.
'Nothing, nothing. Forget it.'
'Dear, sweet Ang. I hope you weren't about to imply that I don't have any....friends, were you?'
She giggled, nervously.
'But everyone knows I have such an active social life. I'm wounded.'
He placed one hand on his chest, the other on his brow, feigning hurt. Or was he pretending to be pretending? He'd lost track. Everyone knew he didn't actually have any friends, unless Ricky O'Donnell counted, and Darry was pretty sure the man just felt sorry for him. Steve had always been more of Soda's buddy, and the only time they saw one another was at the apartment. Two-Bit avoided him these days, claiming that seeing any of the Curtises made him want to start drinking, and that his AA mentor had advised him to stay away from anyone that reminded him of Dally and Johnny's deaths.
And any of his Soc 'friends' had abandoned him a long time ago.
All he did was work, and work, and work some more. What little time he did spend at home was taken up with chores, grocery shopping and his lists. He tried to stay as busy as he could, trying to get out of his own head, which was proving more and more difficult these days.
He'd barely even been to see Soda and Angie since the baby.
He slumped into the couch.
Loser.
Angie elbowed him.
'You do need to get out now and then,' she teased, 'What about that nurse, the one that gave her number to Soda for ya?'
Darry stood up, sharply. He couldn't face this conversation right now. It was all too raw.
'Didn't work out,' he replied, shortly.
Angie held up her hands in surrender.
'Alright, Superman, I'll leave it. But I want you to know that we all love you. This family wouldn't be the same without you.'
Darry gave her a half-smile.
'Have I ever told you you remind me of my Mom?'
She beamed.
'Considering everything I've heard about her, I'll take that as a compliment.'
'Yeah, she'd be real tickled to know you named your little girl for her and Pony. Speakin' of which, where is she? Don't be holdin' out on me. I gotta get my snuggles. She'll be wantin' her Uncle Darry.'
'Ok. I better go check on dinner before Soda burns it or dyes it purple.'
The real question Darry had wanted to ask Angie was stuck in his throat.
Do I come across as a creep? Why would a girl say that? What did I do wrong?
The shame burned ever deeper. This was one he would keep to himself.
************
Holding his little niece, Michaela Jane, snuggled on his chest, was the most complete Darry had felt in a long time. He watched her tiny back rise and fall with her breaths, her downy hair fluffy on her perfect little head, her pretty eyelashes fluttering on her cheeks.
He glanced over at Soda, who was snuggled up with his wife on the couch. What must it be like, to have found the one? Angie was undoubtedly Soda's other half, the two complementing one another perfectly. It warmed Darry's heart to see his little brother so happy. When Sandy had dumped him, Soda had been convinced he'd never be happy with any other girl, but within a year, he'd met Angie, and it was clear from the very beginning that she was the one. She was everything Soda deserved, and more. They were natural parents, and Darry knew his nephews and niece were going to grow up with just as much love as they all had.
On the floor, Pony play wrestled with Shaynne and Patrick. Everything was perfect, or as close to perfect as it could be without their parents here.
Darry felt a pang. His dad and mom would have loved being grandparents. If only...not for the first time, he wished he could trade places with his parents. They were irreplaceable, while he...maybe it would have been better if- if he could snap his fingers and make the switch, he'd do it without hesitation. Because all of this, his brothers happy, thriving was in spite of him, not because of him.
Anyone could pay bills. It takes more than that to be a family. He was a drag on them, the bachelor brother that gets set in his own ways and has to be tolerated...
He realized Soda was staring at him.
'What?' he said, self-consciously. It wasn't like his brother was a mind-reader, but sometimes, his intuition was uncanny.
'Darry, I gotta bone to pick with you.'
Uh-oh.
Pony sat up off of the floor, eyes suddenly serious.
'That's right. We both do.'
Darry cleared his throat.
'Ok.....'
'Why didn't you tell us you were gettin' discharged?'
'Why didn't you call for a ride?'
'Did ya ever call that nurse?'
'Why'd you cancel the newspaper, why is the freezer empty?'
'What did you think you were doing, walkin' in that storm after you'd just been in the hospital?'
Darry sighed, deeply. He met Angie's eyes pleadingly, but she just shrugged at him.
Man, this day was just getting longer and longer.