Chapter Text
Dosed and Confused Part 2
"Ecstasy. We took ecstasy," said Drakken as he rubbed his head with his right hand. "Curse Eddie!"
"Oh my god," groaned Shego. "I barely remember anything."
"Wait, hold on," said Drakken as he saw some papers under Shego. "What are those?"
"Ohm, receipts...notes... I took notes?" asked Shego in confusion as she began squinting at one. Then she froze. "Why am I in a leopard print dress?"
"Shego, one thing at a time... What's on the notes?" asked Drakken, though he also assessed the situation closer.
He sat in only the bottom-half of what had been a one-piece jumpsuit, but was now being held up over his shoulders by...Christmas lights and shoelaces? The shoelaces were obviously from his boots, though he only had one of them on; the other one was off a few yards away. He could see dried blood on some of his torso and pants, obviously from the side of his face he couldn't see. He looked at Shego and his brow rose even more. Her hair was a tangled mess, dried blood was under her nose, and she in fact wore a tight green leopard print dress. Her normal boots were tossed aside, and he found the top of his jumpsuit at least—jaggedly cut at the bottom but worn by Shego over the top of her dress. He had a vague memory flood towards him of a lot of lights and music, then brighter lights and a horn.
"They're all scratch, a lot of words jumbled together... But this one, it's a list of symptoms?"
"Oh, I think I remember that..." said Drakken, as he took the crumpled paper.
Flashback
"I can't believe this!" yelled Drakken as he drove the hover car as fast as he could. "What were you thinking?"
"I didn't do it, seriously. When I told dude extra, I didn't know he heard drug it. Cuz, if I wanted to go on that kinda trip tonight, seriously, I had better choices," said Ed. He glared at Drakken and then his brow shot up. "Yo, Babe, you okay?"
"Am I okay? Did you just ask me...if I'm okay?" asked Shego. Her leg was bouncing, her arms were crossed, and her eye twitched as she looked at Ed. "NO! I AM NOT OKAY! You mullet-wielding moronic neanderthal!"
"Whoa, calm your mellow," said Ed, and Drakken reacted quickly, his arm grabbing Shego's as he saw the glow start.
"I am trying to drive, can you not... Both of you," said Drakken, his jaw clenched. "We can get back to the lair, we didn't ingest that much. So we just have to take the precautions before it kicks in... First of all...what kind of idiots mix that with alcohol!"
"Hey, I am just as confused as you, Cuz," said Ed with a sigh. "Okay, Drew, you're right... It wasn't that much I'm sure, and knowing Ted, it probably wasn't pure..."
"Are you telling me it was mixed with something else?" asked Shego, her eyes wide. She stared off into space and muttered. "I am going to die with these two as company."
"No one's going to die," said Drakken. He looked at Shego and then to Ed. "Maybe Eddie."
"It's no big deal..." said Ed with an eye-roll, "seriously."
"Seriously? Seriously! It's a big fucking deal," snapped Shego. "If I wanted to try drugs for the first time, I sure as hell didn't want this to be it... I don't even know what it does."
"Whoa, you've never even done grass?" said Ed, his face in subdued shock. He looked at Drakken. "Seriously?"
"She had a sheltered youth," said Drakken. "I've never done it either, so stop panicking. The symptoms range, we just have to look out to make sure no one goes into hypothermia."
"...Are you serious?" said Shego. She took deep breaths, and Drakken noticed she was sweating.
"And to stay calm," said Drakken. He looked around the hover car. "Eddie, there is a notebook and pen in the glove box, get it."
"Why?" asked Ed, but he did so. "Dude, what's written in this?"
"My god, do you ever clean that out? That's from last New Year's," said Shego as she looked at it. "Excuse me, was that a phone number?"
"Write down the symptoms. If we all know what to look for, we can keep tabs on what to do," said Drakken. Ed rolled his eyes.
"Bro, that's good and all, but we're all about to be impaired, seriously," said Ed. He yelped as Shego yanked the notebook from his hand. "Chill out."
"Go," said Shego as she looked at the pad of paper.
"Okay, mood-swings, hot-flashes, nausea..." Drakken began. Shego stopped and looked at him.
"Are we on Ecstasy or a period?" asked Shego. Drakken continued.
"Elevated moods, positivity, erratic behavior, promiscuity..." Drakken had a sudden wash of panic hit him as he looked to Ed and then to Shego. "Over-alertness, appetite increase."
"So, we're frat boys on our periods," said Shego. She looked uneasy. "What do we look for if we're overdosing?"
"Elevated heart rates, panic attack, chills, shaking, muscle spasms," said Ed with a shrug. "It's super rare, seriously. Biggest problems we are going to have are the usual suspects... Classics really... Sex, drugs, and rock and roll, man."
"Yeah..." said Drakken. He looked at Shego again and gulped.
Beach
"Oh my god," said Shego, her eyes wide. She recalled some vague memories that she hoped were her imagination running wild. "I didn't have sex with anyone, did I?"
"I don't remember," said Drakken. He suddenly panicked, trying to recall anything. His alarm went off on his watch. "Do you think you did...it's Saturday?"
"No, it's Friday," said Shego as she took a calm breath and Drakken figured she was trying to recall memories.
"Shego, it's Saturday... We lost two days?" asked Drakken. Shego glared.
"Well, how am I supposed to figure that out now?" Shego doubled over and rubbed her face. "I swear to god, if I had sex with anyone it better have been you."
"...I'm not sure how to take that," said Drakken. He gulped nervously and avoided what he could say to her at that statement.
"I'd rather it be you then a random stranger... Or worse...Motor Ed." Shego cringed and as she yanked down her skirt, she froze.
"Well, that's... Okay," said Drakken. He felt a twist in the pit of his stomach.
Drakken looked at his watch, avoiding the unease he felt at Shego's statements. He could see her point, but still it felt a bit harsh. He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts and cringed; his shoulder responded with a sharp twinge. He looked at it for what felt like hours, but was probably only a few seconds. The image of bright yells, laughter, and screams flooded his head as a memory tried to pull itself from the fuzzy recess of his mind. There was Spanish music playing, headlights, and then more laughter.
"Shego, I think we were in a car accident," said Drakken. He attempted to stand up, against his arm's and body's judgment. "I don't see a car... Shego? Shego?"
"Why the hell am I wearing a chastity belt?" asked Shego. Drakken looked towards where she'd pulled up the bottom of her skirt. "I am grateful but extremely confused how this even happened."
"...So we at least made it back to the lair," said Drakken. He saw a sign in Spanish. "Shego I don't think were in Colorado anymore."
"At least we made it... Are you telling me you just had one laying around?" asked Shego in a mixture of confusion and horror. "Why the hell..."
"It was going to be a joke," said Drakken. He looked at his watch. "I think we're in Mexico... Pretty sure my arm's broken."
"A joke?" asked Shego. Her eyes narrowed and her hands flared. "You got me a chastity belt as a joke!? What are you trying to imply, that I'm a—"
"No! No, Shego! I am already injured!" yelled Drakken as a blast flew past him and he lost his footing. "Fuck! Yeah...it's broken... No, I wasn't... Damn it."
"Uhg," glared Shego as she spun on the spot as if not sure to storm off or help him. She kicked the sand and stormed towards him. "You'd better have a good explanation, you big baby. Let me see your arm."
"So you can punch it? No thanks," said Drakken. His attempt at getting up was hindered by the Christmas lights and shoelace belt. "Where did we get Christmas lights in September? Did we go to a Smarty Mart?"
"Speaking of belts," snapped Shego as she sat down next to him. "This thing weighs a ton... Arm now. Explain now."
"Remember last movie night with the henchmen?" said Drakken. He cringed as he helped Shego use her 'jacket' to tie a makeshift harness for his arm. "We watched Robin Hood Men in Tights..."
"Pfft," Shego snorted and rolled her eyes. "The Maid Marian scene... Okay... I get the joke now."
"Yeah well, you weren't supposed to wear it... Can't return it now," sighed Drakken. Shego rolled her eyes, and he smirked. "Could sell it to Eddie."
"Only if you triple the price," said Shego. "There, best we can do for now... So we're in Mexico, you think? Where is Motor Ed?"
"I don't know, maybe he left," said Drakken as he got off the ground again. "Anything in those receipts?"
"Oh, hmm," said Shego as she grabbed the several slips of paper in the sand and looked at them. "Mexico for sure... Utah... Nevada? Why were we in Vegas?"
"Las time we were in Colorado was Thursday night at 10:00 p.m. according to this... We rented a car?" asked Drakken, looking at a slip. "Who let us have a car? Who's Russell Stoppable?"
"I don't know... We have bigger problems. Someone got married!" said Shego, flapping a receipt in the air, dramatically.
"Good for them," muttered Drakken as he pulled another slip out of his pocket. "Who fronted for a three-hundred dollar shopping spree at Kinky Kicks... That dress was three-hundred dollars? Who made it, Fran Fine?"
"Ohm, helloooo," snapped Shego, holding up the slip. "Who cares about this... Three-hundred dollars, really? Wow, that's a rip off... Anyway, someone got married. Do you know for sure it wasn't you?"
"Who would I...oh," said Drakken. His eyes went wide as did Shego's.
Across his memory rushed the flash of bright lights, the pain of rice being pelted against skin, an Elvis impersonator doing an air guitar with Motor Ed, a woman in a leather jacket holding a set of rings, over-dramatized church bells ringing, and tin cans tied to a car. The sound came back along with the headlights and the screams. Drakken knew Shego had seen something similar by her expression. Drakken would like to think that they'd witnessed a wedding, or at least he had. He looked at his hand quickly, but neither had on rings. That didn't mean they hadn't... Or at least one of them hadn't, right?
"Shego, did you marry either myself or Eddie?" asked Drakken. Shego's expression went to one of horror, and she looked around the beach.
"The only image I have, other than the vague memory of a leather jacket... Wait... Someone was with us. Someone in a leather jacket... I remember because I wanted the jacket... So you gave me the top of your jumpsuit because I was upset. Aw that's sweet of you," said Shego with a smile, then she looked confused. "Did you go to a strip club?"
"...Yes," said Drakken, and he looked at Shego whose eyes had gone wide. "Wait a second..."
Flashback
"Shego! Shegoooo!" sang Drakken to the sound of a tune in his head. Somehow Shego knew the tune, like she was listening to the same imaginary radio.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," sang Shego, her arm linked tightly through his, her other arm around Ed's.
"I don't know this song, man, seriously," pouted Ed. He was wearing a bandana and had a series of brilliantly colored highlights in his hair. "Change the channel!"
"I like this song, don't you like this song?" sang Shego. She laughed. "Wait, there's a new one... Call me beep me, if you wanna reach me..."
"Why does that sound familiar?" asked Drakken. He clicked a button. "Where's the Drak-Mobile?"
"I thought it was the Shego-Goer," pouted Shego.
"Why can't it be named after me," said Ed with a sigh. "I drove it."
"And you lost it...thrice," said Drakken. Shego busted into laughter.
"I love when you use words like thrice," grinned Shego, her arms wrapping around Drakken who grinned. "You are the most smartiest."
"Brillianter than all, I claim," said Drakken dramatically, a tiny evil laugh following after.
"Where's the key?" grinned Shego, rifling through his pockets. She looked around. "Anyone have the key?"
"Shh, it's somewhere safe," said Drakken, his arm wrapped around her waist.
"Aww, Motor Ed wants that," said Ed with a grin. He looked up towards a sign. "Can I find that in Girls, Girls, Girls?"
"Well... There are probably girls there," said Drakken. Shego and he nodded in agreement.
"Be kind of amazing if there weren't," said Shego. "Like, there's just guys...being guys... And they hope that girls come in. Like a calling."
"That's brilliant," said Drakken. "So clever, Eddie, isn't she amazing?"
"Eddieee," said Shego happily, but he'd vanished. "I think he went in."
"I hope he finds her... The girl... Of Girls, Girls, Girls," said Drakken. "If only we could find the Drakgo-Mobile."
"Huh! I love it," said Shego. The two walked into Girls, Girls, Girls. "Eddie!"
"I found her!" said Eddie. They could hear him over the crowd. He was leaning on the stage. "It's her... The girl... Or it could be her... Maybe her... You know it's called Girls, Girls, Girls... Maybe it should be three, seriously."
"Happy Tinselmas, newbies," came a blonde woman in a leather dress as she put Christmas lights woven with tinsel around their necks. "Alohamas."
"What language is she speaking?" asked Drakken. "I like it."
"It's a mixture of Christmas, Hawaii, and of course, ladies," smirked the woman. "I'm Miss Trusting... Wow, you're hot. I love your dress."
"Thank you," said Shego with a wide grin. "You're hot, too."
"I like this, seriously... Both babes," grinned Ed. He looked at Miss Trusting. "Whoa, Babe... I think you're made for that dress."
"Wait till I take it off, big boy," smirked Miss Trusting, patting his cheek as she walked away.
"She's the one," said Drakken, Shego, and Ed at the same time.
"Ooo, lap dances," said Shego. She grinned. "Do we have money left from that bank? I want a lap dance."
"No, they're for Miss Trusting, seriously," said Ed defensively. "I must woo her with the green. Bros, it's the flowers of her people."
"Aw," said Shego with a pout as she sat down in a booth.
"Pfft, we don't need that," said Drakken. He grinned. "You want me to give you a lap dance?"
"...Yeah," smiled Shego as she kicked her feet happily and clapped her hands. "Wait... This song."
"Okay, good choice," said Drakken.
"Can I touch?" asked Shego giddily.
"We're villains, who cares about rules," he whispered. Shego's smile faded for a second. Something about his words killed her buzz, but the music pulled her back, as did Drakken's hands sliding up her legs.
Beach
"Ohm," said Shego. Her face flushed a little. Drakken had taken to fiddling with the Christmas lights and not looking at her as he spoke.
"Well now the Christmas lights make sense," said Drakken casually, looking towards the sun now above the water. "Have an inkling about my tank top too."
"Did...did you do a partial strip tease?" asked Shego. She smirked a little. "Oh my god, you did. I remember, but Motor Ed came over with the stripper when you started...You called yourself a name even..."
"I wonder where Eddie is... And that car... And who got married," said Drakken as he went towards his other boot. "Shego, maybe if we find Eddie, we'll get more answers."
"Theodore Thunder Rod, wait up!" yelled Shego as she chased after him.
Sooo... There's a Part 3, Seriously! →