Chapter Text
The news hit Xisuma like a train.
Exsona was gone- his brother was gone. The news was so shocking Xisuma had immediately had a panic attack so extreme that Pause had almost called a medic, but somehow someone had managed to convince Xisuma to eat a sour candy, even in his state, and that had snapped him out of it, if a bit violently. Every cognizant moment Xisuma had since then was others checking in on if he was okay, but for the most part Xisuma just stared at the floor his room, with someone- it was never the same person, he knew that much, but he didn’t remember who had been by- bringing him his meals that he hardly touched. A whole day passed in this manner, with Xisuma shifting in and out of grounded consciousness.
It was nearly 4 am when he finally touched back down firmly to reality. It all came crashing in. The past 24 hours had been a blur of emptiness, a draw before the surge, and now was the tidal wave of emotions. Alone, this time, another panic attack started. He wasn’t sure how long he spent being unable to think of anything but how alone and scared he was, but when it finally passed, he was thoroughly exhausted. His eyes tried to close on him, but he fought the urge to drift off. He forced himself to his feet and stumbled downstairs to the kitchen, telling himself that the hunger he felt was more important than sleep, right now, because at least he would be awake while making food. He would be safe making food. As long as he was awake, he’d be safe.
That morning Doc woke up around 5. He had wanted to use the science labs, but apparently the only available time for the next few days had been 6am. While he intended to simply get ready, grab breakfast and go, life had other plans. Specifically the fucking Void twins. When Doc got to the kitchen, just wanting a coffee, he found Xisuma asleep on the floor by the toaster cold toast still waiting. “Gods damnit.” Doc mumbled to himself crouching down in front of X and shaking him slightly. “X, buddy, time to wake up” Doc said calmly, not wanting to scare the already worse for wear X. Xisuma bolted awake. He did not scream, but he scrambled backwards and threw his hands up defensively. “hey its alright its just me, you decided to sleep on the kitchen floor and I thought you would want me to wake you up before everyone else gets up” Doc said gently, trying to calm X before another panic attack ensued. “I- I didn’t-” Xisuma said between breaths, “I- thanks,” he managed.
Xisuma slowly stood, leaning heavily on the counter for balance. He looked at his cold toast with disgust before carrying it to the trashcan. He then took the plate to the sink and started unloading the dishes from the previous night’s dinner. The dishwasher was already half empty. It dawned on Doc that Xisuma had been cleaning the kitchen before his apparently accidental nap. “X, would you like to hang out with me today?” Doc asked, hoping distracting X would help prevent any more incidents with the twins this week. Xisuma froze in place for a moment, then, surprising both of them to some degree, said yes. “Alright, would you like to stay in the dorms or go to the Labs today?” Doc asked knowing both Xisuma and Exsona respond well to simple options when distressed. “Out,” Xisuma replied, putting the dishes in his hands down. “When do we leave?” “In about an hour you go get ready ill finish up here” Doc replies making X some Tea and himself some straight black coffee.
Xisuma was ready to leave within 30 minutes, and waited on the couch for the time Doc had indicated they would leave. He was nodding off occasionally, but would shake out parts of his body when he caught himself doing so. Eventually, he got up and went to the cabinet, going to the tallest shelf and getting down a monster energy drink. “Hey no caffeine, you're anxious enough, dude.” Doc said taking the monster from him and replacing it with some nice chamomile tea in Xisuma's favorite tumbler. Xisuma frowned. “But I’m tired,” he argued. “That tea is hot as fuck i can garentee by the time it cools down enough youll be wide awake” Doc replied guiding X to the door.
The birds were awake outside, chirping in the early morning daylight. It was chilly, approaching proper winter temperatures. Xisuma felt immediately sobered. “You alright?” Doc asked watching Xisuma. “It's cold,” Xisuma shivered. “The science building isn't too far from here, don't worry,” the other assured. Xisuma hummed noncommittally in response. “It's cold but … not miserable. Well. It kinda is. But that's the point.”
Doc just nodded and the two continued their walk in relative silence only occasionally commenting on the early morning chill and wildlife.
When they arrived at the science labs, the sub had only been over the horizon for mere minutes, not nearly long enough to warm up the ground. The air conditioning heating inside was a relief. “So what are you doing here, exactly?” Xisuma asked, following Doc to the check-in office. “I wanted to practice something we're doing in chemistry because I'm not that sure about it yet,” Doc replied, grabbing his safety gear and handing Xisuma some of the community gear. “You, struggling in chemistry?” Xisuma chuckled half-forced, “never thought I'd see the day.” Doc just laughed a little. “Yeah, remember when I got the flu a few weeks ago?” “Oh, yeah.” “Wel, I missed the most important lecture about this and my teacher hasn't been able to help me so I'm doing it myself” Doc rambles arriving at the chemistry lab. “Typical,” Xisuma muttered. “Well. You're smart. I'm sure you'll get it.” “Thanks” Doc smiled slightly, getting to work.
He worked for a few hours while Xisuma watched on and off, invested in the mixing of the chemicals. Xisuma found his mind wandering often, but at least outside the house he could redirect and pretend he was simply at class, asking questions about a demo. That Exsona was home, safe and sound, waiting for him to return. The hours spent at the labs eventually passed, though, and Xisuma noticed that Doc was stalling, taking extra time to clean up more thoroughly than necessary, moving a bit slower. Xisuma was still exhausted, but he refused to sleep yet. He needed to stay awake until Exsona returned.
“Do you want to watch a movie with me at the dorms when we get back?” Doc asked finishing putting everything away. “I have things to do,” Xisuma sighed. “Oh? Like what?” Doc asked genuinely curious. Xisuma hesitated. “Ya know. Stuff. Cleaning. Organizing. I never finished the dishes.” “X i finished the dishes remember? And I know for a fact you deep cleaned your room a week ago” Doc says bluntly. “What's really going on X I'm worried about you” Doc continues. “I just-” Xisuma’s words died in his throat. “I'm… It's… I- ill be okay. Not like I'm going to…,” he trailed off, “yeah. I'll be fine.” “X” doc says, looking at him knowingly. “I don't want to talk about it,” Xisuma’s voice broke slightly. “I- I can't talk about it.” “Yes you can and you need to before you spiral out of control again” Doc says eyes softening.
“Thats the whole problem!” Xisuma snapped, “I have no control. None. Zero. Nada. Yes, everything is spiraling, yes, I'm spiraling, but I'm doing my fucking best, okay? As long as I keep myself busy I won't think about it and- and I'll be fine.” “X that's not healthy you're gonna crash and burn and then when Ex gets home you're gonna end up at the hospital and then you're gonna be separated longer” Doc explains the best he can. “I don't care,” Xisuma growled. “I- he wouldn't let me. If he were here, he wouldn't let me get hurt. He wouldn't fail me like I did him.” “What do you mean? You didn't fail him” Doc says confused, kneeling next to X who had curled up in the corner. “I did,” Xisuma started to tear up, anger turning to sheer distress. “I failed. I failed worse than I ever have before. How did I not notice him getting worse? I didn't even see it coming. He left without telling me anything. He obviously didn't trust me. And why would he? I failed him before, and I failed him now, and I probably will again. I can't keep him safe. I can't even keep myself safe.”
Before Xisuma could continue his self-deprecating tirade, Doc, not knowing what to say, wrapped him in a hug. “I need you to stop talking,” Doc mumbled. Xisuma immediately shut his mouth. “It's not your job to make sure everything is fine X, There's a bunch of us in the dorms and none of us noticed either it's not your fault” Doc assured, holding X tighter. “But I'm his brother,” Xisuma insisted. “The only reason we got this far is that we stuck together. If we hadn't, I don't think either of us would be alive right now.” “And I understand that, but you're not alone anymore, it's not just the two of you. You have Mumbo, Martyn, Wels, me and everyone else in dorm H” Doc soothed.
A second of silence passed between them. “Im just scared,” Xisuma whispered brokenly. “I'm scared, Doc.” “And that's alright but you need to share that fear with us. You don't have to do this alone, suma” Xisuma hugged Doc back. “Im afraid that things will get worse. That if I go to sleep, someway, somehow, something horrible will happen again and I'll lose someone and- I can't. I almost lost Ex. I almost lost Mumbo. I have to make sure everyone is okay.” “It is not your responsibility, Suma. You're just a kid. Besides, if it's losing someone you're worried about, you need to take care of yourself or when someone really needs you you won't be able to do anything.” Doc mumbled, playing with Xisuma's hair, something he sees Ex do sometimes.
Xisuma sighed shakily. “I know.. but it's not that easy.” “I know, but I'm here to help, I'll help you figure it out. We all are. It might be hard at first but it will get easier. And we'll be here every step of the way. You're not alone, Xisuma, and you are safe. Everyone is safe. I promise.” “....what movie were you thinking of?” Xisuma asked softly. “You said you wanted to watch Mean Girls the other day?” Doc suggested, smiling slightly. Xisuma nodded. “Let’s head home, then. I think I could use some rest.” “That sounds perfect,” Doc smiled.
It was about lunch time when Mumbo checked on Xisuma and Doc, who had been in Doc’s room most of the day since they'd returned from their early morning escapade. He smiled, seeing the two of them cuddled and fast asleep in Doc’s bed, the credits of Mean Girls scrolling Doc’s computer monitor.
Xisuma spent the rest of the time Ex was gone with Doc, carefully holding himself together, waiting to hold his brother in his arms once again.