Chapter Text
Five months after Dawn
I stare at the tiny object in my hand. It looks so innocuous. It’s a tiny blue-green pill. There’s a small b in the middle. It’s something that I could lose easily if I dropped it, yet at the same time, it has so much power.
“You’re sure this is the right one?” I ask Madeline.
“Positive”
“And it’s only a low dosage right?” I follow up.
“Yes, unfortunately.” She answers.
“I mean, we can’t risk it. Who knows how my parents will react. This might even be too much.”
“Your parents pay about as much attention to you as a sloth does to airplanes, you’ll be fine Dawn,” Madeline answers to me. I blush a bit involuntarily. I’m still not used to …well anyone calling me Dawn. It’s a good feeling though. Dawn is a much better name than the other one. Unfortunately I’m not even close to replacing it completely, but even hearing it at all is nice.
“Yeah… I know. I know this is for the best… I’m just … just nervous. It’s been so long and now that I’m here, it feels like it’s just too simple. Like there’s some other trial I need to overcome. Some test to show I’m genuine. This is… this is the problem I’ve been dealing with for years now. It… it can’t just be that simple!” I exclaim. I make sure to close my hands to hold onto the pill during this. I can’t risk dropping it now of all times. I have to… I’m better than that.
Madeline holds a finger up to my lips to shush me.
“You’ve already been through so much to get here. You were the one who took that crappy job at the hardware store just to pay for the pills. You were the one who stood watch at the door all day to intercept the package before your parents could grab it. Just because you didn’t need to run away from a monstrous version of your parents doesn’t mean this wasn’t an achievement.”
“I’m not sure how much of a difference there could be between my parents and the monstrous version,” I joke tepidly, nervous about potentially going too far.
I am then thoroughly surprised to see Madeline burst out laughing.
“It wasn’t that funny.” I state in a shocked tone.
“Sorry, I just …really wasn’t expecting that. You’re usually so serious.”
“Do you want me to stop?” I ask
“No no no. I think it’s nice. You’re healing a bit. It’s nice to see you loosening up a bit.”
“Oh… um… thanks!”I mumble.
“Similarly, you would also be improved with some titties, so get on that girl!” she exclaims with some scary enthusiasm.
I blush a deep crimson at that.
“Do you have to say it like that?” I ask awkwardly.
“I mean… it’s not like titties are some mythical forbidden treasure,” Madeline sighs. “They’re just a part of my body. I certainly like them, but I’m not gonna mythologize them.”
“Yeah… I guess.” I respond eventually.
“And soon they’re gonna be on you girl,” she interjects. “So you better get used to having some gorgeous boobies in your life.”
I chuckle to myself., Ever since the bridge, Madeline has been much more open about her sexuality with me, and I have learned to never let anyone convince me that girls are pure and innocent. It’s a big contrast from the reserved girl I’ve known for the past few years, but it’s also one I appreciate. It’s wonderful to see the inner self to my friend underneath all the caution and defense mechanisms. I hope she finds that wonderful girlfriend one day who can make her happy in all the right ways that I don’t dare to name. She deserves it.
And yeah, thinking about it. The same is probably true in reverse too huh? Madeline probably wants to see her friend free of those shackles and restraints as well. She wants to see me in the same position, laughing and joking about, unafraid of being judged. Such a feeling is utterly alien to me. I’ve lived in fear for so long that the idea of going without it feels like going naked.
Yet still for as much as the idea is alien to me, I feel strangely drawn to it. It’s this forbidden place I have never been allowed to venture. From what other people say, it’s nice. For all my life I have just needed to take their word for it.
Until now, because I can take a step towards that right now, and it’s pretty simple.
I take my hand to my mouth and swallow the pill, and washing it down with a gulp of water.
It’s a momentous moment in my life, regardless of how insignificant the physical action itself is.
“Congrats girl! Feel any different?” Madeline cheers.
“Come on, you know it doesn’t work that fast Madeline,” I grumble at my overly enthusiastic friend.
“Yeah I know, but still you’ve been waiting a while for this, right? This is a big accomplishment!”
“Yeah… yeah it is… I … thought I wouldn’t make it this far. For a really long time I thought it would just …be forever out of reach. Forever one more trial to overcome. It’s… it’s almost unreal that it’s actually here. I’m… not really sure what to even do next.”
Madeline grins maliciously “Next, my friend, you start living a little.”
Seven months after Dawn
“...and that’s about it for this week” Francis finishes.
“You’re leaving it there?! Right after that reveal?!” Zach yells.
“Yup,” Francis follows up with an extremely smug grin.
“You’re evil Francis” I groan. “Eeeeevil!”
Francis then proceeds to do his stereotypical villain laugh, and despite my act I can’t keep the grin off my face. Francis’s ability to time a cliffhanger is unparalleled considering the amount of time we spend in sessions screwing around, trying dumb ideas, and exhausting every possible option except the ones we are supposed to take.
“Why thank you for the high praise Dee,” Francis offers his thanks with mock sincerity.
I roll my eyes at him. He may be a shit at some point but he’s our shit.
Unfortunately for us, all of this fortune and whimsy has been excessive, so Kaien asks the dreaded question.“Anyone have any scheduling conflicts for next week?”
“Nope” I answer. I’ve made sure to stress to my job that Tuesdays are 100% off limits to me. I wouldn’t give up these idiots for the world.
Madeline shakes her head, her schedule is wrought in iron thanks to her parents.
“Well…” Zach starts and a groan echoes through the room.
“My parents want to do some family time next tuesday and I don’t exactly get a say about it. So I won’t be able to make it.”
Francis sighs and I can feel the disappointment coming off of him. Poor guy, he was clearly looking forward to this reveal. “Alright, I’ll post a when2meet in the group chat to see if we can figure out another time.”
With that we take the opportunity to pack up the rest of our stuff and say our goodbyes. It always takes longer than anticipated, but we are all high school students with families to get home to and classes to study for so happen it must.
I take the time to help out Francis and help him carry his stuff out to his car. Running these games tends to involve a lot of books and boxes of doodads so there’s a fair bit here. There’s enough that even Francis with his football arms can’t comfortably carry all of them at once (he insists otherwise, we don’t believe him). Thus, I like to take the time to help him out after these meetings. It’s not much, but it’s the least I can do for a friend.
It’s when we get down the stairs that Francis interrupts our silent collaboration.
“So, Dee, huh?”
I blush. Madeline had started calling me that in public as something to call me that both didn’t out me and wasn’t my old name.
“It’s short for Andy,” I lie. Well… half lie. It’s plausible that it could be correct, but it’s not the truth. I’m momentarily terrified at this moment that Francis is catching on and he’s going to figure everything out. I know Madeline told them all about the crack, though not my particular fate.
“Well it works. You seem to have like… something going on with your name, so if this is good I’m happy for you.”
“Thanks” I respond nervously… dreading the inevitable followup.
…
…
…
But it doesn’t come?
I’m confused, and decide to just bite the bullet over sitting in suspense.
“Are you not curious what something with my name is?” I ask Francis.
Francis takes a moment to think before responding.
“I mean… yeah, but it’s also not my business?” He answers “I’ll admit to being curious, but I also still feel kinda bad that we basically forced Madeline to talk about the whole time traveling future selves thing,” Francis grimaces
“It was for the best,” I reassure him.
“I mean… kinda not really? It was Madeline who found you and talked you down in the end anyways. By the time I caught up, you two had passed out asleep in each other's arms under that lamp.”
My cheeks burn with embarrassment as I’m reminded of that incident. I was very confused when I woke up in Francis’s car a few hours later, and apologized profusely afterwards. The guys laughed it off at the time, but I still felt bad about it.
Francis then follows up. “But really, it’s good to see you doing so much better these days.”
“Am I really?” I ask with sincerity.
Francis answers, “I mean… you don’t look like a hollowed out void these days which is a definite improvement at least.”
I try to think back about the days before in order to refute him, but when looking back it kinda strikes me just how… empty it was. For a lot of it, the most I can remember doing is just going out behind the school to angst. Now… now I’m doing things, productive things even!.
“Yeah alright…” I admit.
Francis chuckles, “You know it’s not so often I meet someone so resistant to accepting praise. I’m half tempted to invite you to try out for the football team with how thick your skull is.”
“Hah! Fat chance at that.” I reply
“Yeah I figured. But still, I’m glad you’re doing better my guy.” There’s then a pause before he adds on. “Just don’t ever hurt Madeline again.”
I’m not really sure what to say about that so we continue on in our task, eventually making it to his car to unload his stuff where I take my leave. Even as I’m saying goodbye though I’m still remembering those words.
What did he mean by that?
Nine months after Dawn
“So tell me again how you know my daughter?” Mr. Peterson asks sternly from the other side of his desk.
“We met in grade school,” I start the story while trying to conceal my frustration with the man. “though we didn’t really interact much for a while. We were in separate friend groups for a while, but then in the aftermath of the crack we kinda got forced together. We hit a rough patch for a while, but we made up in high school and have been friends ever since.”
“Hmm… then I trust you are aware of the challenges my daughter faces?” He asks sternly.
Challenges. That’s how he refers to his daughter’s life being ripped apart and being treated like a criminal at all times.
“I am aware of her unfortunate fate in the previous timeline, yes,” I answer as politely as I can. I’ve heard the horror stories from Madeline about her parents, and am aware that pissing them off is a losing battle. I’m just trying to get through this with as little headache as possible, as is my usual strategy for dealing with parental figures.
“So you understand why we need to keep her under strict scrutiny, correct?” Mr. Peterson inquires.
“With all due respect sir,” The respect this man is due is zero, but I’m going to leave that part merely implied. “Having known Madeline for years at this point I find your worries regarding your daughter to be highly overblown. She’s a wonderful person and very intelligent, more than capable of recognizing the dangers in proceeding down that path, and as far as I can tell, is in no danger of meeting the same fate as the other timeline’s incarnation.”
“Hmm, it seems she has managed to hide her risk from you,” Mr. Peterson frowns. “Nevertheless having more eyes on her can only be beneficial in the long run. Given that you know the truth of her and still seek to support her I have no issues with your relationship. You have my blessing to date my daughter.”
WAIT WHAT. I have said nothing about being in a relationship with Madeline! She just invited me to come over and hang out! Then her father who looks like he couldn’t recognize what humor looked like if someone slapped him over the head with a whoopie cushion pulls me aside for a damn interrogation. Now he’s giving me his blessing? I haven’t felt this stunned since the crack!
“S-sir you misunderstand, we’re just friends,” I sputter out. “There’s nothing romantic between us.” We’re also kinda romantically incompatible, she’s a Lesbian and I was stuck with this unfortunate body. Even a few years down the line there’s no way she’d settle for someone like me. She deserves the best. DEFINITELY not telling his dad any of this though.
“Now, now don’t lie to me young man,” he growls at me. “It’s simply how things go when teenagers interact. If I have to risk my daughter with a boy in order to save her from herself, then so be it.”
I’m speechless. I’m genuinely honestly stunned by the sheer callousness of this man. He not only views me as inherently dangerous to his daughter, but also is perfectly willing to risk that danger in order to satisfy his twisted paranoia surrounding the crack. That takes an amount of delusion so large they could probably fill entire warehouses with it, because nothing this man sees is rooted in reality. How on earth could you look at Madeline and think in any way she is in immediate risk of getting herself killed?! As someone with some regrettable experience in the topic, she is not like me. She’s not anywhere close to the trench of horrors that I delved into. She’s so much better than me.
The creaking of the leather chair I am in reminds me that time is in fact, not frozen right now, and I am sitting in front of an absolute failure of a father. An absolute failure who probably expects an answer here. Well if he wants an answer, I’ll give him one
“Mr. Peterson, what the hell is wrong with you?!” I scream at him.
“What did you just say bo-” I cut him off before he can finish his unknowing lie.
“No, you don’t get to talk about this and act like you know anything about what has been going on with your daughter. Because if you ever actually talked to her you’d know that she is not in any danger from spur of the moment drug use. She’s incredibly smart and is even able to perform basic pattern recognition unlike you! The Madeline you talk about is one you’ve made up in your head. I’m not going to participate in your delusions, and become a bigger threat to her than you ever worried about.”
After finishing my rant to my best friend’s sperm donor I kinda just stand there. I’m not really sure what to do after this. That whole speech wasn’t planned, I just kinda dumped it all on him in frustration.
I start to shrink back a bit, my habitual nerves coming back to me. I’m not used to this kind of emotional confrontation, and the way Mr. Peterson has just sat there silent as a stone is creeping me out. I can feel my skin tingle as I get goosebumps from the sight.
“Get out.” He states with a steely calm
“Wha-”
“I said get out!” Mr. Peterson yells at me, his voice erupting in fury. In a move that was a first from my brief time meeting this man, I see him get up from his chair.
I don’t wait to see what he does next.
The next minute or so is a blur. I barely remember to grab my shoes before sprinting out the front door. I don’t even bother to look behind me. I’m not sure which I’d rather see less, Mr. Peterson seething in rage, or Madeline upset that I ruined her get together.
I make it until the end of the street before I bother to stop. I am not the athlete one in my friend group and this kind of physical exertion really takes it out of me. I immediately expect to be pounced upon for this mistake, for not being good enough. Mercifully, said punishment never comes and I can take a moment to recover.
I can hear my breathing. Still hoarse and heavy from my escape.
I can hear my heartbeat, nearly bursting out of my ribcage from the excitement.
I hear… laughter?
I turn my horrified head around towards the source of this noise, unsure what eldritch deity I have amused with my predicament.
Instead of an eldritch deity though, I instead find… Madeline?! Doubling over in bursts of laughter.
“Oh… my God you got him good Dee!” Madeline chokes out in between bursts of laughter.
“Madeline!” I exclaim while jumping back. If my heart was nearly bursting before, right now it feels like it took a pickaxe to my ribcage. “What… what are you doing here?”
“I’m here to see you, dummy!” She responds, taking a break from her laughter to poke me in the chest. “We made plans to meet up didn’t we?”
“I mean… you told me to come to your house? Did I miss something?”
Madeline suddenly becomes a lot more sheepish
“...I kinda figured Dad would intercept you and you two would mix about as well as oil and water.. So I just… waited outside the window for shit to go down,” she explains.
“I mean… fair, but… why not just tell me to meet up somewhere else outside of your house so we could skip the hassle.”
“...Because I wanted to hear it.” Madeline admits. I can see the tears starting to form in her eyes.
“I just… I have to live with my parents. I have to go home every day to these people. Their world… their… prison has been my life for my entire life, and it’s just… for all I think in my head this is screwed up, there’s always a part of me that just wonders if this is all normal. If my mom and dad are just bog-standard parental wardens and I’m the crazy one. I just… wanted to see someone else interact with the panopticon they’ve got going on in their… just so I can confirm that I’m not crazy. That I’m not just making all of this up.”
“Madeline…” I trail off. I wish I had something better I can say. Something to reassure her that her fears are not crazy, and I know they’re not! I know that intimately well. But I’m just… stuck
“...I probably shouldn’t have sprung this on you without warning,” Madeline sighs “I’m sorry for using you like this…”
I recoil in panic. This isn’t what I wanted at all! “No! I mean… it was certainly a shock, but like… I had to deal with Lukas for years. I can run away from your Dad. You clearly needed this, so if I can do something to help, I’d be happy to yell at your Dad. Plus I mean… you’ve done so much for me. You believed me without having to prove it to you. I can do the same… just … whew… I was not expecting this.”
Madeline’s entire body relaxes at the moment. As if she were a puppet whose strings had just been cut. “Thanks Dawn,” She says to me gratefully.
“Anytime!” I reply awkwardly “just uh… give me a heads up next time.”
I smile at her… an expression that is returned from my oldest friend. God, I can’t believe I almost left her.
Still there’s an inevitable followup to this conversation. “So… what now?”
“Oh you think my schemes ended with embarrassing my dad? You naive girl! I have plans for today.” Madeline grins maliciously, and for a moment, I know true fear in my heart.
~~~
“I don’t like your plans!” I exclaim in a panic
“It’s just a skirt dawn! Madeline replies with a groan while gesturing towards the purple garment laid down in front of me.
“Yeah , but… I’ll look stupid… people will know!”
“It’s just us in here Dawn. No one is going to see you unless you want them too,” She follows up with a hint of exasperation in her voice. I have to admit she’s right. We’re in the changing room of a thrift store right now. Someone would have to get down on the ground and crawl under the door in order to see me right now, and like …no, no one is going to do that.
I know all that, and yet I’m still terrified of the possibility.
When I dare to put my eyes on it, it is a cute skirt. It’s a nice color and looks very nice with the pleats. It is the kind of clothing I’ve dreamed of wearing for so long. Yet for all I want to do it, my body is running into a brick wall of fear.
I’m scared.
I’m scared that I’ll look awful, and undeniably masculine.
I’m scared that I’ll run into someone like Lucas again who uses this whole situation to torment me.
I’m scared that all of my effort I’ve gone through to change is going to turn out to be for naught, and I’ll find that I’m stuck as a boy.
This fear has dominated my life for so long, and even now when I know it’s okay to do this, the manacles of fear still hold onto me tight.
I nearly leap backwards when I feel a hand on my shoulder, but a quick look reaffirms to my panicked brain that it’s just Madeline. “Hey, Dawn… it’s okay… you’re safe.”
“I can still see them…” I admit in a small voice “I can still hear Lukas coming up from behind me. I can see my parents shaking their heads in disapproval. I know they’re not here… but I just… can’t escape them.”
“...do you want to do this another time?” She asks. “I probably should’ve realized I need to stop surprising you with things.”
It takes me a while to respond. The inner conflict here rages within me here. I want to do this. I want to ascend beyond my old form, but at the same time, the sheer act of finally putting myself out there, even just to an audience of two, is terrifying. But in the end, I know the part of me who just wants to say no. I know Andrew, and I have learned my lesson about listening to him. “No… no if you let me put this off I’ll keep doing it forever… let’s just dive into the deep end. Get past the hurdle so I have something to lean on in the future.”
“Are you sure? You were pretty worked up there for a bit.” She asks with a concerned tone
“...I think so… the only way out on this is through. I need to be able to see back from the other side to get some perspective here. Go all out.”
The following few minutes are an overwhelming storm of sensations. So many clothes are thrown at me that I have never worn anything like before. I’m asked for opinions on outfits I haven’t ever dared to consider previously. I realize that I need to figure out the mundane actions of putting on the clothes I have only dreamed of. Madeline also introduces a host of new feelings to my face with some makeup.
“Sorry I’m not the greatest at this stuff” Madeline apologizes as she dabs something on my eyelashes.
“I mean… you said it looks good right?” I respond nervously.
“That’s just you though. I didn’t even do much. Though. It’s mostly just you though, I know you don’t like to compare, but the hormones have been doing good work on you,” she answers. I don’t know if I can believe her, even if I want to.
“I’ll believe it when I see it.”
“Well then,”She responds triumphantly. “Take a look at this!”
Madeline spins me around, and I know I’m facing the mirror now. All I have to do is open my eyes and I’ll see the result.
It’s a weight heavier than anything I’ve ever lifted, but I do eventually manage to open my eyes.
In the mirror I see two girls.
One of them I recognize. It’s Madeline, my best friend.
It’s only when I see that Madeline is holding onto the other girl’s shoulders that I can realize that the other girl in the mirror is me.
She’s wearing a cute purple skirt, with a blue top that extends downwards past where a t-shirt would be. Her hair is partially tied back to not get in the way of her face but still clearly visible. However the most striking aspect is her eyes. Andrew used to always look perpetually tied, with his eyes barely opening beyond a squint, now this girl could not look any more different.
I had prepared a mental list of things to inspect the reflection with, but somehow things don’t seem so important right now.
The girl in the mirror is crying.
…I’m… I’m crying!
She’s me… I’m her!
“Dawn! Are you okay?!” Madeline asks in a panic.
“This …isn’t a dream right?” I manage to blub out through the sobs.
“No, no it’s not. This is real.”
This is real.
I’m real.
I’m Dawn.