Chapter Text
“Hmm.”
Caine’s fingertips click click click against his teeth, gazing down at the humans bumbling through the adventure he’d shuffled them into. It’s meant to be an exciting one, escorting Princess Loolilalu through a jungle filled with wildlife heavily inspired by Australia and defending her from immortal assassins. He’d been thoughtful enough to give them defensive weapons, even. Knives, machetes, guns, anything their fickle hearts desired.
And yet.
“Hmmm.”
“What’s the matter, boss?” Bubble croons, bobbing next to him with wide eyes.
“Well, I’m just not sure, Bubble,” Caine replies, leaning back in his imaginary seat. “I thought this adventure would be more… exciting! More action! More bloodshed! And yet, they’re nearly finished already!” He tosses his arms in the air, then folds them over his chest with a huff. Bubble rolls to float in front of him with a grating hum, upside-down as they speak.
“Well, that’s no good. Did ya give ‘em a knife?”
“Yes!”
“What about a gun?”
“Yes!”
“What about two guns?”
“Yes!”
“What about-?” The final word comes out as an obnoxious air horn. Caine’s arms drop to his sides as he stares.
“...Bubble, I can’t give them that.”
“What about-”
“Nope!” He stabs his baton into Bubble’s face, silencing them for the moment. Strangely horny soap creature aside, he still can’t pinpoint why the adventure is unexpectedly lackluster. Sure, there’s been a few high-stakes chases and a case of a gun misfiring, not to mention Gangle losing her comedy mask to an eight-legged alligator, but it isn’t nearly enough.
He brings a hand up and spreads his fingers, zooming in on the scene. There’s Ragatha at the forefront, hacking apart the shrubbery to forge a path for the crew with surprising skill as she talks over her shoulder. Princess Loolilalu is right behind her, chatting animatedly and still pristine in appearance. Caine takes a moment to bask in the pride of creating such an engaging and lifelike NPC before he moves his gaze down the line.
Gangle and Kinger fill out the middle, Gangle cradling the pieces of her mask as she listens to Kinger point out and ramble about every other insect that buzzes past. Every so often something startles him enough for him to shriek and make Gangle flinch, but with his weapon confiscated, the only damage caused is to Gangle’s already frayed nerves. Pomni isn’t far behind them, clutching Kinger’s rifle as if loosening her grip would allow it to bite. She continuously casts glances behind her, brows furrowed, and Caine follows her gaze to Jax.
Jax, who has been trailing a good distance behind the group and clutching at his arm like it might fall off.
“Aha!” Caine straightens, tapping his baton to his opposite palm. “By Jove, I think I’ve discovered the problem!” It isn’t the adventure, nor is it his wonderful NPCs - it’s the characters.
Giddy with relief, Caine sweeps himself to the finish line, lounging in the air as he waits. Minutes pass before the foliage rustles, and Ragatha’s machete cleaves through the bushes, the redhead herself stumbling through the opening. Princess Loolilalu delicately steps after her with a serene smile, bowing deeply before Caine. Then Gangle and Kinger, the former visibly relieved to find the adventure is through. Pomni is next, shoving lingering branches out of the way and holding them there as she peers back. A moment. Then two.
Jax shuffles through, narrowing his eyes at Pomni as he ducks through the opening she gives him. She offers a small smile back, and then they’re all gathered before Caine, watching and waiting for him to procure their way home.
“Congratulations, my little ponies!” Caine booms as he straightens up, throwing his arms out as confetti rains down on the humans. “You’ve successfully escorted Princess Loolilalu through the treacherous jungle and fended off the murderous mercenaries! How wonderful! Bravo!”
“Yes, many thanks, god’s warriors!” Princess Loolilalu interjects, along with a curtsy. “I was afraid I might lose my life, but you all protected me most bravely. Bravo!”
“It was nothing, your highness,” Ragatha says, mirroring the curtsy. “We were happy to help!”
“Speak for yourself,” Jax hisses under his breath, and Caine’s attention snaps to him. He’s still gripping his arm, oily black leaking through his fingers, unsmiling. Caine lifts his hand. Pauses.
“Well, after such a riveting adventure, I think you all deserve a prize!” He snaps, a swirl of fractal noise forming behind him as the weapons dissipate into pixels. Pomni clenches her empty fists, shoulders slumping. “You’ll find a grand feast awaiting you! Be sure to enjoy it!” The circus troupe slowly files past him, a few offering their goodbyes to Princess Loolilalu as she waves demurely and bids them farewell. Ragatha, Gangle, and Kinger disappear through the portal. Pomni lingers, waiting until Jax nudges her head and tells her to “move it or lose it, sister,” before she scuttles through. He moves to follow.
Caine loops his baton through the straps of Jax’s overalls and pulls him back.
“Ow- hey! What the heck?” Jax stumbles, glowering up at Caine. Caine tilts his head, lacing his fingers in front of his chest.
“Jax, my friend, I would like to speak with you!” he announces. “About the adventure!”
“Yeah…?” Jax mirrors the tilt. “Can it wait ‘til after ya fix this? Stings like a motherflipper.” He unclasps his hand from his arm, revealing the hole Kinger’s rifle had punched through his rubberhose body. It’s clean, no muscles or bones to disrupt the bullet’s path.
“Yes, of course!” says Caine, and snaps his fingers once more. The oil recedes, purple flesh stretching until there’s no sign of injury. Jax shakes out his arm and lets out an aggrieved sigh before propping his hands on his hips. A shallow grin creeps over his face, yellow and sharp.
“Alright, whaddaya want? A recap? Feedback? ‘Cause if you’re wantin’ suggestions, I got a few.”
“I will gladly listen to your feedback!” Caine claps his hands. “ Later! But for now, let’s talk about your performance!” He points his hands toward Jax, who blinks.
“My performance?” he echoes.
“Yes! Your performance! I noticed today you were somewhat, mm… lacking, shall we say? And we can’t be having that! Everyone must be their best selves in order for an adventure to be successful!”
“...I got shot,” Jax says, as if it’s significant. “By a gun.”
“Irrelevant!” Caine jabs a finger into the air. “Such a minor injury is no excuse for poor performance! The pain can’t be that distracting, and you can hardly bleed out in this fantastical digital world! You know this! Your behavior was unacceptable given the situation!”
“Geez,” Jax mutters, and his smile is gone, “didn’t know you were so worried. Should I do a backflip next time I get shot?”
“That would be preferable!” Jax makes as if to leave. Caine drifts in front of the rabbit, jabbing the rounded end of his baton into Jax’s chest to stop him. “Now, hold on just a moment! I-I wasn’t finished speaking to you!”
“What? Waiting on that backflip? Sorry to disappoint, I'm not really feelin' it right now.” Jax is scowling again, foot tapping the simulated dirt.
“Jax, I…” Caine’s baton dissipates as he wrings his hands together. He stares at the ground, then up at the rabbit, eyes wide behind his teeth. “You know I work hard on these adventures! I dedicate all of my time and effort into them! I do everything I can to make them fun and engaging for you all, a-and especially for you, Jax!” His words seem to catch the rabbit off guard, scowl fading into wide-eyed neutrality.
“What? Me?”
“Yes, you! You’ve always been so lively! So invested! So proactive! Unlike someone we know…” Caine’s cough sounds suspiciously like “Zooble”. “And the others, well! They don’t seem to enjoy my adventures quite as much as you do! You’ve always participated, your acting is phenomenal - it’s always such a delight to watch you go about and cause chaos! Ah, it brings a tear to my eye to see my adventures thoroughly enjoyed!” Caine whips a tissue from thin air, dabbing at his eye with a wet sniffle. Jax stares.
“Uh. Thanks,” he says.
“But!” The tissue is thrown over Caine’s shoulder, bursting into glitter. “I saw none of that today! It was dreadful, hardly any fun at all! And it’s all because of you, Jax, for not playing your part! We don’t need another party pooper on our hands!” Caine points a finger, only an inch away from where Jax’s nose would be. The rabbit’s eyes cross as he looks at it. Then he groans, swatting Caine’s hand away and folding his arms.
“So what? I had a rough day, gimme a break. Can I go eat now?”
“Yes, yes, I see!” Caine taps his jaw, slowly floating aside. “You may go… if!” Jax stops mid-step. “You give me a big ol’ smile! Show me those teeth!” Caine points at his own head for emphasis. Jax huffs a breath.
“Ya serious?”
“Drop-dead serious!” Caine impatiently taps his canines. “Come on now, don’t be shy!” After a tense moment, Jax smiles. Crooked and insincere, brow furrowed. Caine gives a low hum. He draws his fingers higher, up to his gums. Jax’s own face follows, his smile stretching wider, and wider still.
“Caine,” he grits through his teeth, “cut it out.”
“Ah, my apologies!” Caine lets his hands fall along with Jax’s expression. He gestures instead toward the portal, bending at the waist in a shallow bow. “After you, Jax!” Jax hesitates, ears flicking back.
“...Yeah, okay. Whatever.” He steps through, and Caine follows.
And Princess Loolilalu wonders what to make of the strange interaction she observed between their god and the foul-tempered rabbit.