Chapter Text
I thought I was cursed to fail. Whatever I tried, I often failed at, or lost interest in. I had the height for it, but when I played basketball, I could never succeed, and in every other sport, roughly the same thing happened. Because of my habits, and my lack of energy, I grew plumper every day. I tried to change my routine, but after Dess disappeared, I'd tried so hard, and I was left here. Not even the Angel helped.
I'd been enthusiastic, about something that changed lives, and that feeling withered too. I didn't know where to go. I didn't want to think of it. I knew I was weak. Dess gave me a lot, but after she disappeared, no one could encourage me. More indulgence couldn't help. Wealth could make me happy, but it couldn't cure sorrow.
I got out of bed. I went to Carol's bedroom, and I saw that she'd left. "Noelle!" Rudy could have good news, or at least some kind of news, so I walked downstairs, gripping the railing hard. Rudy was at the table, but I had my head down, though now it felt strange. When I raised my head, my blood felt like melting snow.
Rudy looked defeated. His mouth hung open slightly. As I approached he sat still, though as I came closer, I saw some of his limbs twitch. "Did we get some bad news? Is everything okay?" He closed his mouth and his eyes, and he pursed his lips. When Rudy spoke again, he sounded much older, which to me was merely strange.
"So... Carol's made up her mind. She's going to fire Asgore. There's nothing you or I can do about it. If you want to, I can... Nevermind. The important thing is, she's not going to be happy. She's just... We've all lost December, but we have to be kind to each other. And, I don't think mommy'll be very kind, but... Just, don't try to make her any more angry, okay?"
I looked at the ceiling, and I took a deep breath. "Remember, you're her daughter. She still loves you, even if she doesn't show it. She's working so hard to bring your sister back." "How is she working hard?" "She spends so much time researching missing people, staying at her office, and..." I put my hands to my chest.
My eyes began to well up. I rested on Rudy. I felt like I'd cry. I thought most people did, when they grieved their family, and it seemed normal now, compared to when Dess was here. Rudy patted my head. My body began to shake, but I still felt bored, so I shook more, out of instinct, and the need for catharsis.
My eyes couldn't create tears. I felt terrified, and like an object, deprived of energy, by some fault of its own. To get my tears out, I looked at the sun, but I failed again. I smiled to feel good. I didn't feel happy, but I felt relaxed. The words I said came out well, and how I thought they would, and like those of an adult.
"Daddy, when this is over... can you try as hard as you can to get me into a homeschool program?" Rudy sighed again. "I'll try hard, Noelle. I think you deserve it after all that's happened... And I think it would make Dess happy if she was still here." I went to my room, and I stayed right there, with nothing to do, but stare out my window, looking at some birds.
That didn't work for me, so I went outside, and sat in a chair, behind the pool fence. The light around me, though it was beautiful, would soon fade to darkness. In earlier times, I never thought about it, unless I was bored, but now it fit the mood. I knew I'd seen this light, on a walk in the forest, with Dess and Azzy and Kris.
I went back into the house. The sunset began, and rather than white, the sun shined a bright orange. I couldn't see all of it, but I still shivered, and I went outside again, but I had to go back in, for fear of darkness. I heard an engine. I thought it wasn't Carol's, because of how I felt. I looked out of the window, and I saw Carol's car.
Right after she got out, she moved swiftly, though with quivering legs, and a lowered head. I didn't look anymore. "Daddy, mommy's home." Rudy already knew. He came to the door, and opened it for Carol. Rudy lifted his arms, but she didn't look at him, and I tried to look sad, and show it to Rudy, but before he saw me, he got up and hugged Carol.
She groaned and sat down. "Do you need to talk?" "No-no-no, just make dinner, and I-I think then we can talk." She put her hands on her head, and then she took them off. One went to her chin. Rudy stayed by her side. "What are we having for dinner?" For about two seconds, Carol stared at me, and Rudy did too.
"We'll have pasta, probably." Since I liked pasta, I got to smile, but nobody else did. Rudy silently sulked, along with Carol, for a few seconds. The sight made me feel worse, but I still stood there, since it felt wrong to leave. Carol brought her hands up, but she stopped at her stomach. I went back to my bedroom, where I distracted myself.
I heard my parents, though I wanted to stay here, as long as Dess wasn't. A part of me protested. If I was happier, I wouldn't want to stay. A few minutes later, I wanted to go downstairs, but when I opened my door, I felt somewhat worthless, since instinct guided me, not clear and tangible thought. After what I did, since Dess disappeared, I knew that very well.
When I walked downstairs, Carol wasn't there. Rudy sat on the couch, looking at his phone. Until I hugged him, he didn't look at me, and I couldn't see his face, so I hoped he smiled, for his benefit and mine. I remembered what he'd said, both in the afternoon, and some time ago, next to Hometown's lake, but I still couldn't cry.
When the timer rang, I went to the table, I pulled out a chair, and I waited for food. Carol came before Rudy. We tried not to lock eyes. When Rudy served us, she didn't eat much. When she started speaking, she sounded strained, and she often stuttered. I hated hearing it, since she sounded like me, when I was angry. I tried not to listen, and for a few seconds, I heard nothing, but I couldn't keep it up.
"So my point is... Asgore was an idiot. You know, thinking about it, I should've fired him a lot earlier. I'm sad that I did it now, even though-I mean, it's, kind of necessary to fire him, to keep my job you know?" She didn't smile at all, even when she laughed. She laughed quietly, and for a second, she put her hand on her mouth.
Rudy spoke slowly. "Alright, thanks for telling us, but you promised to tell me more in the text. If you can..." "So, I got a message, on my phone, saying that he'd given up. Well it wa-wasn't exactly like that, he just said he was suspending it, the investigation. He didn't think it was possible, he didn't think he could do anything, despite being the goddamn police chief.
"I-I almost, um, called him out. I would've said he sounded like a... You-Know-Who supporter. Noelle, please eat-" "Okay, okay." "Anyway... I tried to convince him to continue this investigation." In times long ago, Rudy would interrupt, but he kept his saddened stare, so much like me, when we had to argue.
"He didn't think there was any evidence, there-there was nothing he could do about Dess. He said 'Oh, she might have just left on her own,' and I said, 'No. She didn't. She couldn't have, what evidence do you have? Oh you don't have any!' I-I didn't say the-the-the last part, of course, but I..." Carol rested her voice.
I noticed my sweat. "I-I know you said that... he didn't have any evidence... but he got Asriel to tell him about Dess's mental state, and-I know that that doesn't support your view on the topic, but if I may ask... what's your perspective on that situation?" I was very impressed. I thought he'd just console her. I questioned how much I knew, being autistic.
"I think it was a-a kind of... short episode, not real feelings. She'd been doing well. She'd, been having trouble in school... and Noelle was too, but that's no reason to run away, don't you think? I mean, our daughter was never that rebellious, she was never... Oh I'm getting tired talking about this shit." Rudy raised his head.
"My opinion on the matter is this, okay? Right before she disappeared, she... Noelle, Rudy, we need to appoint a new commissioner, and get him or-or her to continue where the fat bozo left off." "Alright. I'll start looking for Hometown residents to appoint." "Rudy, you're-you're not my-" "Alright-alright-alright... I won't help, if-if that's what you want."
"No, no, I didn't say that. You can still, help, Rudy! Just don't do what my assistant's already about to do, okay?" "Carol I didn't mean to-to antagonize you, I'm sorry... okay?" "Okay, okay. Apology accepted, Rudy. You can move on now." "I-I think I want to discuss this tomorrow." Carol sighed at Rudy. "You can do that too." From the way she said that, I thought she was in pain.
We could all stay silent now. I finished my plate and walked. The house felt like a desert. I started reading a book, which I'd stopped reading, during the school year, to feel normal again. A couple hours later, my parents came upstairs. I imagined them, sitting on their bed, arguing about Asgore. They spoke softly in my mind, as I wanted them to.
When I couldn't sleep, I groaned into the air, louder than I wanted, with the door open, to keep some of the light. I got very embarrassed, even though they didn't hear, and it exhausted me. I entered a dream, but I knew I was dreaming, so the environment warped, and I was back in my bed. I felt almost thrilled, knowing what I could feel, if Dess returned to my side.
I woke up sweating. I got dressed and sat down, ignoring both my parents, until they argued. They never compromised, so I sat down again, and I heard them stop. I went into their bedroom. They both looked exhausted. I asked what had happened. Carol didn't move, but Rudy turned and answered. I nearly smiled.
"We're trying to decide on a new police chief, and we've found someone who, I hope, will do a good job. Her name's Undyne." "Undyne?" "I think she's fine, even though mommy... doesn't really like her. She's from out east, hence the weird name, and she's a decent friend of mine. I think she's perfect for this case, and I think she'll be a good chief overall. Carol thinks she'll make a bad impression, but I've met her. I think she'll be fine."
"Can I see a picture of her?" "Sure." After a minute, I saw her picture. It only showed her face, but I could tell she was strong. She had a big smile, pointy and polished teeth, big spiky ears, and a thick ponytail. "I-I think you have the better candidate." Carol was awake, but she didn't pay attention. "Well, I'm happy you think so."
Soon after we stopped talking, I saw some pictures of Dess. I tried to look away. I couldn't look earlier, because I was scared, and I wanted to feel good, but after all I'd done, I felt like a sister, and her smile, which was in every picture, even if I frowned, brought more comfort than despair. In the early pictures, she often smiled without reason, but it still looked genuine.
In some pictures with Rudy, Dess smiled brighter, and if she was barely there, she was who I saw first. In one photo, the flash lit our faces, and I looked about five. Dess took up most of the frame. Her arm was on my mouth, and I still smiled. I didn't see my smile, but in my thoughts, it looked even brighter, since I was safer then.
I couldn't discern my expression, but I at least looked safe. We wore checkered sweaters, and our hair looked clean. I couldn't stop staring. In my eyes back then, it portrayed our friendship, and our bond as sisters, which might never return, but which I could relive, if I daydreamed hard enough, but the more I did it, the more fake it felt.
After a minute, I pulled my eyes away, and I went back upstairs. "Hey, Noelle! Undyne responded. She said she'd love to continue the investigation! I have some hope for her." "Don't be too optimistic." "Carol, I know she's not guaranteed to succeed... but we're lucky to have such a strong option. Literally."
"Can... can I meet her?" I said it and smiled. "She seems so cool, and I... wanna see the investigation myself. Or maybe I could help." I thought Rudy smiled. "Haha... I'm not sure she'll accept, but we can try." I thought Undyne could find Dess. For the rest of the day, I waited patiently, since I was used to it. When I was in bed, Rudy came into my room. "Hey, Undyne's chief now!" "I just want to sleep." Rudy left the room.
I woke up to faint sunlight. I remembered Undyne, and I threw myself up. I thrust my clothes on. Carol was getting better, Undyne could find Dess, and unlike Asgore, she was exciting. She looked like an actor, so she could do better, with Dess on the line, and my happiness, and Kris's happiness. I sat on my bed, and calmed myself down.
Rudy texted Undyne, asking if I could visit, and see how it was going. She responded instantly, with a very dry text, saying she'd accept. I smiled and thanked Rudy. I tried to compose myself. Undyne felt so exotic, and so unlike a neighbor. Her voice could have gravel. It could be smooth and pretty, or somewhere inbetween, as things often were right now.
"Can we go now?" "Just wait until we're up." "Okay." "But, Rudy, is this safe? Maybe... Dess only went missing weeks ago." "Carol, Undyne's extreme, and it's a risk to take... But... Noelle's never been this excited since her sister disappeared. I think she deserves some freedom." Rudy didn't say more, and neither did Carol. I lowered my head. I went to my room. I didn't think about Dess. I tried to build some courage.
The hours went past slowly. At an exact time, I walked downstairs, where Rudy was, with some new sunscreen. "I want to do it myself." "O-okay! Sure, you can do it, just don't put too much on your forehead." I tried to be moderate, but it was too hard. "Oh, Noelle... I'll do it next time, okay?" "But I want to learn how to do it!" "Please, please, I know you're excited." I put on my shoes.
The station wasn't far, the sunscreen bore the heat, and the air smelled clean, so I enjoyed myself. "Undyne might not act how you expect her to." "I'm okay with that!" "No, I mean... she might be... a little aggressive, but if you tell her to stop, she'll stop, I'm sure." I knew he was right, from the way he described her.
"Can I maybe supervise you two? She has a very good record, but she's so..." "I don't want it. I-I'm sorry, but I want to talk with her alone. I'm a grown girl now right? That's what you and mommy say. If she says something wrong, I won't let it influence me." I saw his fingers raise. I gave him a hug, and his arms weakened. "Alright, just this once."
We came to the station. By Hometown's standards, it was very ugly, since it didn't look friendly, with its single window, and the oversized badge, and the road leading beyond. It might have been Asgore's work, but it fit Undyne better. When I saw the inside, where Undyne waited, with no one else around, I felt unworthy.
She was very thin, much taller than me, and much stronger than me. When she saw us enter, she showed a few of her teeth. She seemed quite content, so I smiled at her. I trembled at her, but Rudy didn't. "Hi, Undyne!" "Hi, Rudy. Hi, Noelle." She leaned over, looking at Rudy and me. I thought she liked me better.
"So... you got any advice?" "Well... don't anger my wife." Rudy laughed harder. When she stopped laughing, Rudy kept laughing, for a few more seconds. Undyne's smile faded. Eventually he stopped, then giggled some more. After that Rudy stopped, and spoke to her like Carol, in a more restrained manner. I smiled with him.
"If I can give you advice... Use his evidence as best as you can. He did something useful!" They smiled but didn't laugh. "Carol complained that he focused too much on her, uh, general state of unease. So don't look there. Consider the possibility of criminal activity." Undyne's eyes lit up. "I can certainly do that, considering where I came from. I'm surprised poor Asgore didn't get fired sooner!"
Only Rudy smiled. They talked about Asgore, Carol's strict policies, and how I held up, which Undyne took interest in. When Rudy pointed to me, she looked before he did. "Noelle's doing fine, but she seems kind of down. That's kind of why she wanted to be here. Right?" I turned my head away. "She's a bit shy, fahaha."
I focused on Undyne, with an eerily small grin. Her smile faded. When Rudy wasn't looking, she took glances at me. In one weird moment, they both looked at the same time, and for a few minutes, she stopped her glances. When she continued, she took more diligence. Her smile faded, and Rudy had grown sullen.
"Well, I think I have to go. Noelle... do you want to stay here with Undyne?" I wasn't in much danger, but Rudy's face scrunched, out of view of Undyne. "Yeah, I do wanna remain here." He accepted my choice. He might not have wanted to, but as a child, I could predict him well. When he reached the door, I turned to Undyne.
She beckoned me over. I walked slowly toward her. When she stopped showing her teeth, I almost felt comfortable. "You seem like a good kid, Noelle. From what I've heard, your sister was too." I didn't know what to say, so I smiled instead, and brought a chair over. While she read papers, we talked about normal things.
"How'd you get so strong?" "Through training and hard work... and... um... though I might not have much of it, hard work comes second to smartness. Remember that." "I will." "Alright, let's see here... wow, there aren't many notes here. This is unusual..." "Hey, Asgore's kind. I think something, uh, went wrong here, and that's why he got fired."
"I-I'm not sure if you're right, kid. He seems like a bit of a softie." "I'd conduct this like he did... Does that make me a softie too?" "Nah, you're not. Rudy tells me you're resilient." "What makes-What made him say that? I think I've lived a pretty easy life." "Come on, Noelle. Your sister's gone. Even if you've had it easy, you're dealing with that, right?" My smile faded, and my mouth opened.
"Oh... sorry. What else do you wanna talk about?" "Uhhhhhh... Can you... Can I be a part of the investigation?" "Ha, I'm not too sure, Noelle. There's a lot of... paperwork to do." "Is it like homework?" She slammed the table. I jerked myself back, thinking she was angry, until she guffawed. "Oh wow. You've hit the nail on the head!
While she laughed at that, she went through Asgore's papers. "There's a lot of... random people mentioned here. Kris seems like the one he was most suspicious of. It says that they're a suspicious character-" "He was suspicious of his child?" "I think I decided too soon. But do you think his child actually did it?" "What?" "Sorry, I got a little distracted. Thought I was in a movie or something.
"But there are no good suspects. He profiled... darn near everyone in this town!" She dug through more files. "So, he searched Dess's room, and found nothing of note. Noelle... I think your mom was wrong. He tried so hard, it was just that... This wasn't something he was qualified to take on." She turned away from me, and sighed at the wall.
"Did Rudy check on Asgore, at any point?" "No, he didn't. He was too stressed out, and it was Carol's responsibility." "Well, it shouldn't..." Undyne's hands went to her chin. She stayed in this position, with a straight expression, for nearly half a minute, shifting in her chair. When it was over, she got up and stretched. Then she sat down again.
I got to speak first. "Wait, wait, I have some info, some useful info, I think." Undyne seemed elated. "On the day she went missing, I-I kind of went to Asriel's house. I checked up on him, and he was really sad. He told me that, he told me that I'd never see Dess again." "Hmm... Describe that in more detail."
"He was in his bedroom, and he was with me... and he had trouble talking, because he was crying so hard." "Oh... What did he say exactly?" "He said 'She's not coming back.'" "What else did he say?" "Not much else. B-but he did an interview, with Asgore. He told Asgore that she was a little down, a little depressed."
"I'm sorry, Noelle. But... man, I think... Well, this is just how it seems to me, but... I don't think I can solve this. Well, I'm almost sure of what happened, but I don't know where Dess went, and I don't know if Carol will... She probably just... well, let's hope she ran away." "How'd you figure out all that?" Undyne glanced at the door.
"I have experience in criminal stuff. I-I... I wasn't a criminal, I promise... but I saw and heard of lots of people committing crime back where I lived. This... doesn't seem like a crime. A disappearance, in a model town, a model county, with a person like Dess who... It couldn't be a kidnapping, because if it was, by now she'd already..."
I moved closer to her, and opened my arms, and when she didn't hug back, I still waited, because both of us, though we were different, would find some comfort. We were now equal in height. "I'm sorry, kid, but I can't get what you or Carol wants. I... think... There's not much hope left. I don't think I have a chance anymore. I'm sorry, Noelle."
I stepped away from her. Undyne stopped talking, and in what seemed like sadness, looked at the files some more. When she was done she sat there. I put my arms around her. "Thanks... What I was trying to say there, is that what we're reviewing here, is probably not a crime, even if Carol thinks so. Disappearing of your own will is not a crime." She looked like she hid something.
"Wha-what do I do then?" I felt like crying. Undyne looked disappointed. "Kid... Just... I'm not good at, well, motivational stuff, but recognize the fact that you're free, just like Dess was." "But... she wasn't free to leave me like this, she wasn't free to leave me with Carol, she wasn't free to go out without telling me a thing!"
"Look at it this way, kid. I don't know where Dess is, you don't know either. But... I think she's happy, wherever she went. She was a cheerful girl, right, most of the time?" "Yeah, she was. She was part of my cheer too." "But... taking care of you must have been hard work. Maybe she's found herself to comfort, instead of focusing on you."
"She... yeah, she did a lot for me. It would make her exhausted." "Yeah it would. You've got to care for yourself as well as your friends and family. When I imagine what she'd feel like, leaving you here alone... She wouldn't be happy. But... then again, she wouldn't leave you here... if you weren't resilient." "She, um... she said I was strong." Undyne didn't smile, but I did anyway.
"I-I'm sorry. I'm not good at comforting people after stuff like this." "But you did a really good job! I feel great now." "Really?" I nodded and smiled. Undyne quickly looked away, but she smiled too. "Oh, sorry, I-I..." She hugged me again, with just enough force. Despite her muscles, and her rough coat, her arms felt like a blanket.
"Wait, can I tell you something?" "I'm listening." "It-it..." When she gave up and sighed, I shook in her arms. "It's hard to explain, but... I hope you understand that you don't always need to follow your parents." "Dess already told me that." "Oh, oh... well, what else did she tell you, about your path in life?"
"She told me that... it was okay, to ignore my parents sometimes... but she also told me they meant well and-and that I could get into college, follow a path like how she'd take, and make both them and her proud. She told me she'd help me get there." I felt her slump over, and her arms weakened. "Noelle..." The way she said it scared me. I thought she was too sad.
I jerked myself out, surprising Undyne, and for a moment, I got scared of myself. But then she smiled. "Wow, did I rub off on you?" "No, this is a recent thing. Um... You know, I said my first swear word around a week ago." We laughed before I cried. When Rudy came in, we both lost the need, and we stood and sat still.
"Wow, I guess things went well. Can I ask what you were laughing about?" I let Undyne speak. "We were, uh, laughing about Asgore's files. They weren't that well researched." "Oh. Well, Noelle, I think it's time to go." "But..." "Really, I think Carol will get worried." I got up from the chair, and leaned against Rudy. Undyne had been sweet, but she stressed me out.
I waved while I walked, hoping we could meet again, though her face said otherwise, and her arm weakly waved. Because she didn't smile, I knew she waved at me, not my father. She sat back down in her chair, and went through files. When I faced the sunlight, I did so without fatigue, and with the will to go on.
"Seems like you had fun with her!" "Yeah, I did. She was really nice to me." "I'm glad. Just curious, while you two talked, did she figure out anything, um, related to the investigation?" "No, she didn't. She mostly just talked... well actually she was hard at work, she just didn't gather any new stuff yet. I think she'll get at least some of what we want."
I wondered about her. As we walked home I noticed, that since Dess disappeared, the world seemed emptier. I missed my sister, and she probably missed us, wherever she'd went to. I hoped Undyne missed me too. When I got home I yawned, and tried to go to bed. I almost fell asleep, but something held me back.
Rudy didn't want to cook, so we had frozen food. In the food on my plate, there was some foreign object. When I chewed and the food crunched, I almost spit it out, but I swallowed anyway. Rudy looked worried. I told him I was okay. I felt very dizzy. "Can I finish here?" "You, you haven't eaten much, though." "No, I... It, crunched in my mouth." "Ohh, alright." Carol moved her head away.
Just before dinner, I smelled something good, but I didn't go to look. After I sat down, I found a hair in my food. I showed it to Rudy. "Oh, dear. Sorry, Noelle." His voice sounded distressed. For the rest of dinner, he didn't say much more. I threw it away. I tried to eat more, but I couldn't do it. I had little appetite. Rudy offered to finish, and I accepted.
I went up feeling bloated, and very depressed, with a slightly burnt mouth. I thought I just felt sad. I got on my computer, and tried to forget, but I knew I wasn't fine, since I still wasn't calm. I'd face a lot from Carol, now that Dess was gone, and when she harassed me, I would always cry. When Dess defended me, sometimes I cried from joy.
No one checked on me. I went to my bed, my soul still in pieces, knowing what I felt, and would feel later. I wouldn't see Undyne, unless I got lucky. I sat on my bed. I picked my fingernails, and my toenails too. Most people cared about them, but it seemed silly. Outside of my house, almost no one mentioned them.
Instead of sobbing, I cried into the sheets. The tears came silently, like some sort of snowfall. A part of me liked it. I could stay silent, and be with stuffed animals. Soon they were all in my arms, and I could rest, in a better world, with peaceful daydreams. I wanted to sleep, and then I didn't want to, and then I didn't care.
It wasn't painful. If I couldn't cry, and the sadness faded, I was left feeling empty, which almost felt fine. When the sadness didn't fade, and I cried my heart out, at the end of it all, it felt like slow rain, as the air got warmer, and the sun began rising. I felt a little better, since my mind slowed down, and I felt better, now that I knew Dess was gone.
I melted into the bed, and the environment warped. My house looked wooden, and with dark gray walls. Fog obscured the windows. As I walked through it, I felt alone, and excited, and I thought of it as home. The hallways didn't end, but I saw a door. In a window beside it, bright light shined through the fog. I heard no sound, and I felt almost nothing.
I woke up in daylight, but I stayed still, and fell back into the dream. I opened the door, and sat down on a chair, and there were lots of people, all looking at me, at a dining table, and to my front, at the top of the wall, there was a window. Something sat in my heart, making more of itself. I tried to release it, but instead of bursting out, it built itself up, until it got too big, and I thrust myself forward.
For maybe two seconds, I floated up, and I burst through the window. Outside the window, there was nothing, except for a white void. For a half second I stared. I looked down and saw green grass. Above the grass were buildings, gray and built with bricks, but with modern designs. I floated in the air, and looked to the horizon.
When I stopped dreaming, I lurched myself up. White light shined here as well. I tried to dream again, but it didn't work, and I got up, and I got on with my day. For the rest of the day, nothing weird happened. I got through my new life, while mourning my sister, though I did it less now. I wanted to move on, and live a life without Dess.