Chapter Text
It’s cold. But Mike has a thick camouflage jacket on; he’s prepared for this. He’s making his way through a maze of trees, slowly, trying his best not to trip over rocks or fallen branches as his boots step over the uneven ground. It’s hard to navigate, with just the beam of his flashlight and the dull gleam of the moon lighting his way, but he doesn’t mind. The forest never scared him. He likes the way he can hear the wind rustling through the leaves, the sound of animals pacing the night, some trying to hide, others lurking. Mike fit right in here. He, too, was lurking tonight, he supposes. He’d come across raccoons, and he’d heard owls hooting in the darkness, and he was almost positive he’d caught the eyes of a black bear, but none of it fazed him; they were not what he was searching for.
A particular gust of wind makes his eyes dry and then watery; he adjusts his bright orange beanie over his forehead, trying to keep the cold out. He knows, without remembering how, that he has to find it, and he has to find it soon, before the sun makes its first appearance over the horizon. Mike huffs and pushes forward, the thought of another daybreak without finding what he came for causing him to speed up. One hand is holding his flashlight, and the other is gripping his rifle as he pushes his way through the brush. He doesn’t remember grabbing the gun, but somehow he knows he’s had it the whole time.
~~~~~~~~~~
Mike is ready to give up, just as he has done countless nights in a row. How long has he even spent out here? Days? Weeks? It was impossible to tell; every night was blending into one, time folding in on itself in his endless search. The sky radiates a purple hue, indicating his time is almost up. He would have to come back tomorrow to continue his search. Feeling defeated, he sits down on a hollow log.
What’s the point of any of this? He doesn’t understand this urge, this need he has to find it. All he knew was that what he was feeling was more powerful than anything he had ever felt. It was taking over his mind, infiltrating into every thought he had. He must find it. End the noise. Kill it. But how was he supposed to kill it if he can’t even find it? It’s as if this were all a sick joke, a cruel prank by God himself.
He hears footsteps. Gentle ones. Not like any ones he has heard so far. Ones that say I don’t want to be found. Everything else in the forest goes quiet, as if it’s holding its breath, waiting for him to pick up on the subtle noise. Mike slowly stands up and looks toward the sound. It’s hard to make out without his flashlight, purely relying on the soft glow of the twilight, but he is sure that he sees something, a figure, in a small clearing ahead of him. Careful not to make any noise, he steps closer.
Hiding behind a tree on the edge of the clearing, Mike tries to get a better look. Once he can see the figure in greater detail, his heart begins racing. He looked delicate standing there all alone. Wide, dark eyes, careful demeanor, and a velvety-soft hide that was nearly glowing in the moonlight. It was Will. He has found him at last. The search is over. Relief floods his body as he hoists the gun up to his shoulder.
Taking aim, he centers the deer in the sight of the rifle. Will looks small, dainty in comparison to the dangers looming in the forest around him. Really, Mike doesn’t want this to happen, but he knows it has to. It was the only way to get him out of this never-ending loop. Kill it. Putting his finger on the trigger, he takes one last look at the boy.
Suddenly, Will looks up, not at the barrel of the gun, but directly at Mike. There is no fear in his eyes. For some reason, he concludes, the deer trusts him. No. No. This was all wrong. Mike steps out from behind the trees, still aiming the gun, fully revealing himself to the boy. Will doesn’t flinch, seemingly not surprised by his actions. Mike’s hands are steady, but internally, he begins to feel an impending sense of doom. This has to happen; the deer has to die, but guilt is slowly creeping up Mike’s body. He doesn’t want to kill him. But he must be killed. He isn’t running. Why isn’t he running away?
It would be better that way. If he ran. Mike could go on, act like he never saw him. He could come out tomorrow night, and the next, and the next, until his whole life had been spent in the forest, searching for someone he didn’t want to find. He knows that it would be impossible, though. The air around him, the trees, everything, it was speaking to him, whispering that he must do it, he must confront it. Kill it. Kill it. Kill it. It was settled. He has to do this.
~~~~~~~~~~
He’s not sure how much time has passed, rifle aimed at the deer. The sky was still purple; it should be daylight by now, but it wasn’t. It was as if time paused at the exact moment Mike found him. Will hasn’t moved; he’s still staring at him, calm, waiting. Killing is harder than he’d imagined. He takes a deep breath, and when he exhales, the sight of the gun turns foggy, his vision blurs, and then everything goes black.
There is nothing in front of him. Just darkness. He can’t hear anything either. But the silence is somehow louder than the noises of the forest ever were. Mike still has his rifle, but without a target in sight, his shoulders begin to sag, slowly tilting the barrel of the gun down. Will isn’t here. But the urge to kill, to destroy, remains. He starts feeling a thousand different emotions at once- shame, fear, guilt, disgust, none of which he felt when he was looking at Will. Will was never the source of these feelings; he had simply revealed them to him. There is a brief moment of confusion before everything is crashing down at once. His thoughts are swirling everywhere, somehow inside his head but also outside into the darkness. It’s not Will that he had to kill; it never was. The deer was never cruel to him; he never judged him, never made demands of him. It was never the deer. It was something else entirely. Something much more terrifying. Something that Mike never wanted to find. Somehow, he had gotten the two things confused.
He starts running, full speed, into the darkness. Where is he? He has to find him, he has to protect him. “Will!” Mike is screaming at the top of his lungs, searching the empty void for the boy. “Will! “Where are you?” His voice echoes, though he can’t see any walls around him. Everywhere that he runs, he’s met only with darkness. The deer is not here. “Please, Will!” He yells desperately, so loud that his throat hurts. Mike is frantic; tears start streaming down his face. He has to find him, has to apologize, tell him that he’s sorry for not seeing it sooner. He was not scared of the deer; he was scared of what was hiding in the forest around him.
Out of nowhere, there’s a noise. A crack. It sounds like someone stepping on a stick and breaking it. But there isn’t anything on the ground. There isn’t even a ground; it’s all just darkness. Terror courses through Mike’s veins. He doesn’t know, yet he knows exactly what it is at the same time. It was coming for him. And it was approaching fast. The thing didn’t want the deer dead, Mike realized, all it wanted was to control him, to prove that he would listen. He can’t get enough air; he’s hyperventilating. He trips over nothing and falls to the ground. Scootching backwards, he can’t see it, but he can feel it. Whatever it is, it’s approaching him fast. Sobs escape his lips as his screams morph into soft pleas. “Will… please… where are you Will…” he says, salty tears falling into his mouth, “I need you Will… just… please…” He’s curled into himself, arms wrapped around his legs. The thing approaches him; he can feel it right in front of him now, closing in. Terrified, he’s frozen in place, unable to move or say anything. It reaches out. Mike braces himself, shaking on the ground, eyes streaming. It was all over now. It was a foot away. Nine inches. Six inches. Three. One. And then-
Mike shot up from his bed, panting. His eyes darted around, terrified, thinking it had gotten him, before he realized he was at home, he was safe. Goosebumps pricked across his arms, though his shirt was soaked through with sweat. He was okay; it was just a nightmare. Still, he couldn’t shake away the feeling of being hunted. And Will, the way he had looked at him, careful and understanding, was burned into his head. He’d had weird dreams before, but his best friend as a deer? That one was definitely one of the strangest. Glancing right at his bedside table, his alarm clock read 6:37 am. Figuring he probably wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep, he decided he might as well get an early start on his day.
Unsteady on his feet, he walked to the bathroom and turned on the shower. While he waited for it to heat up, he went to the sink and splashed cold water on his face. It didn’t make sense to him why this dream was bothering him so much. Mike looked at himself in the mirror and was taken aback by his disheveled appearance. Eyes baggy, skin dull, and sweaty hair sticking to his forehead, he looked- and felt- like he hadn’t gotten any rest at all. He had to get it together; he was an adult, he couldn’t let himself be this affected by a nightmare.
After getting out of the shower, he honestly did feel a lot better about himself. Though there was a lingering thought of the dream in the back of his head, soap and hot water had somehow washed away most of the dread he had been feeling. Slipping on a grey long-sleeve and plaid pajama pants, he made his way downstairs.
His parents were both sitting at the kitchen table. He could hear the soft buzz of the radio, broadcasting the day’s weather updates- rain all day, light now, worse later. Reading a newspaper as always, his father didn’t notice him. “Mike!” His mom said, sounding surprised. “You’re up early for a change.” Mike shrugged as he smiled faintly at her, grabbing a slice of bread and sticking it in the toaster. “Yeah, I dunno, I just woke up early today.” He wondered if she knew, if she had a feeling of what he and Will had done last night. Had she told his father that she walked in on them in the basement with the lights off? His stomach dropped at the thought. Ted Wheeler was never outwardly homophobic, but the sly remarks he would make every so often about Will spoke for themselves. Even though he wasn’t gay, he shuddered thinking about what his dad would say if he ever found out what they’d done. He kept his back turned away from them, keeping an eye on the toaster, which seemed to be taking twice as long today. It was a few minutes before his mom spoke again. “So Mike, what’s Eleven doing for her birthday? Is she having a party? Your dad and I aren’t sure what to get her. I was hoping you could give us some ideas.”
Oh shit. Shit. He’d been so caught up with everything else that he’d forgotten that El’s birthday was on Saturday. She was having a small get-together at the cabin on Friday night, just with the Party and a few other people. And with Hopper and Joyce out of town until Saturday afternoon, they would have the whole place to themselves. It had completely slipped his mind the past couple of days. He himself hadn’t even gotten her a gift yet, leaving him unsure of what to recommend to his parents.
“Uhh…” He started, before his father cut in, not paying enough attention to realize Mike was in the middle of speaking. “Just get her a necklace or something, some jewelry, I don’t know,” he huffed, not looking up from his paper.
“That feels so impersonal though…” Karen thought for a moment, then continued, “Do you think she’d like something like that, Mike? She is your girlfriend after all.”
“She’ll like it, Karen, she’s a teenage girl. That’s what they all like.” Ted replied before Mike could even open his mouth. The comment felt weird to him. Half of him wanted to respond, argue back, but he knew it was pointless. That was one thing that he always disliked about his father. He was so quick to assume things about other people. “I’m sure she’ll like whatever you get her, mom. Plus, you have time, it’s only Tuesday,” he said, purposely leaving Ted out of his reply. He didn’t notice, already too absorbed in the paper again.
Mike was happy to hear the familiar spring of the toaster. Not wanting to be downstairs a second longer, he grabbed his toast in a napkin and hurried back to his room before his parents had the chance to ask him anything else. He would think about El later. Sitting at his desk, His thoughts kept drifting back to his nightmare, the emotions, Will. The dream must’ve had some sort of meaning to it, why else would it be burned into his memory like it was?
The best theory he could come up with is that maybe Will was scared about something, and Mike was meant to protect him in some way. His mind might’ve just been going back to the time when Will was missing, but he wasn’t fully convinced that that was the reason. While he did have nightmares about Will during that time, they were never like that, and regardless, this was the first one he’d had in years. Worry twisted in his stomach as he concluded that his subconscious must have picked up some sort of distress in Will that he wasn’t consciously aware of. He was on the verge of calling him just to make sure he was alright, but he’d sound crazy. He’d be over in a few hours anyway, so he might as well wait and ask him then.
With nothing else to do, Mike got back in bed with a comic book, electing to read until he arrived. Grey clouds were already blanketing the sky, making his bedroom appear duller than usual. He was quickly absorbed in his book, and his worries about Eleven, Will, everything, temporarily slipped his mind. Hours had passed, unknowingly to him. His trance was only broken by a loud crack of thunder, shaking him back into reality. He looked at his clock; it was 11:42 am. Will would be here any minute now. Nerves mixed with excitement at the realization, which felt weird to him, as he had never felt like that when Will was coming over before.
Deciding to brush it off as nothing more than residual adrenaline from his dream, he grabbed a stack of comics and headed down to the basement. Setting them down on the coffee table, he paced around, scanning the room. Had it always looked so bland in here? No wonder Will was so nervous yesterday; the basement’s vibe was not conducive to kissing. An idea struck him as he ran back upstairs and returned with his comforter and some random snacks from the kitchen. Carefully, he laid his blanket down on the sofa and arranged the snacks on the table. He turned off the overhead light and flicked on a table lamp instead. Then, he sat on the couch, separating the stack of comics, setting the ones that he knew Will liked the most aside so he wouldn’t have to search for them later.
A jolt ran through his body as he heard the familiar footsteps come down the stairs. He stood up quickly, knocking over Will’s pile of comics in the process. “Will! You’re here! I didn’t even notice you opened the door!” Mike greeted him excitedly, bending over to pick up the fallen books.
“Hi, Mike,” Will replied at the base of the steps, “What’s… going on?” He surveyed the scene in front of him: the snacks, the blanket, Mike- comic books sliding out of his hands almost as fast as he picked them up. Even the lights were dimmed. His mind swirled with confusion as he tried to figure out why Mike had set all of this up.
“Oh uh-” Mike started, finally getting the comics under control, “I figured we could just hang out down here today. I brought down enough comics for both of us, and snacks too.” He was smiling, but his sentence came out more awkward than he intended. Did Will like it? He wondered, hoping last night’s awkwardness had been forgotten about.
“Okay…” Will responded, apprehensive. They almost always hung out in the basement, so he wasn’t sure why Mike was making it such a big deal today. He walked around the coffee table and sat in his usual place on the couch.
Mike hesitated before sitting down, looking at Will instead. He might as well get it out of the way now, so he wouldn’t keep worrying about it. Hopefully, he’d stop lingering on the dream once he’d gotten everything cleared up.
“Uhh… Will?” Mike asked, causing Will to look up at him.
“Yeah?” He replied, sensing that whatever he was about to ask him was serious.
Mike took a beat to gather his thoughts. “So… yesterday. Was it okay?” He started. “Like, I know you said you were ready, but I was worried maybe that you weren’t comfortable, or something, I dunno, I was just thinking about it last night. I wanna make sure that there’s nothing, like, wrong or anything.” He hoped he only sounded concerned and not a freak who had just dreamt about hunting his best friend.
Oh. Will wasn’t exactly sure where this was coming from. Admittedly, it was awkward between them after they kissed, but he assumed it was normal to feel that way, especially considering his circumstances. Apparently, he had been acting weirder than he thought he was. “Oh. Yeah, Mike. There’s nothing wrong, I’m alright.”
“Seriously? You promise?” Mike continued to question, wanting to make sure he was being truthful. “I mean, if there’s something wrong, you can tell me, I swear I won-”
“Mike, I’m good. I promise,” Will cut him off, a slight laugh in his voice. He appreciated that Mike was concerned, but really, he was fine. Well, as far as Mike needed to know, he was. He wasn’t about to tell him how his stomach had curled the whole ride to his house, how he couldn’t sleep, wondering what today would bring. Will didn’t even know if they were going to kiss again today. Mike said next time, but who was to say that today was the next time? Kissing might not even be on his mind, and Will wasn’t going to be the one to bring it up. Still, the uncertainty made him queasy.
“Cool. Okay. Good.” Mike replied, finally satisfied with his response. He felt lighter being assured that Will was alright. The dream was just… a dream- nothing more. It was silly of him to think that it meant anything deeper. Finally plopping down on the sofa beside Will, he gestured to the spread laid out on the coffee table. “So, yeah. I, uh- I set this up for us.”
“Wow… you really went all out, huh? Poptarts and Doritos,” Will teased, testing the waters.
“Whatever,” Mike grinned back, nudging a comic towards him.
They both laughed, and the awkwardness slowly faded away. It started to feel like how it always did between them- easy, comfortable. Mike picked up a comic of his own and started reading.
The afternoon flew by, hours passed quietly, the crunch of snacks and the sound of pages flipping providing the only break in their careful silence. To Will, though, the quietness was almost deafening, as he began to notice how often Mike’s hand would brush against his in the bag of chips, how their knees were pressed together. Mike, however, seemed completely oblivious. The accidental contact made his heart flutter regardless.
Will started to feel insane as he noticed how the dim lights made the basement so much cozier. The comics, the blanket, the snacks, everything, Mike had clearly put a lot of thought into setting it up for him- but why? That’s the part that he still couldn’t figure out. They hung out all the time, yet Mike had never done something like this before.
To make it all worse, Mike’s body was inching closer- slowly, unknowingly. Each time he would lean forward- to grab a chip or a new comic- he’d end up a little bit closer to Will, until not just their knees were pressed together, but their entire legs. It felt good, in a way, to feel the heat of Mike’s body against his own, but it was also putting him on edge. His heart raced as he stared at the page of the comic book in front of him. He could see the words, but his brain couldn’t process them, too wrapped up in the feeling of Mike.
It was a little while later, when Mike nonchalantly put his hand on his thigh, instead of his own, causing a deep feeling in his abdomen, that he was prompted to say something. “Uhh… Mike? Do you think you can move your um… hand, please?” It was too much.
Mike blinked, not registering what Will said at first. Once it clicked, he moved his hand and body away from Will as if he were on fire, having also noticed the proximity of their bodies. His face flushed bright red with embarrassment. “OH. Shit, I’m sorry, Will. I didn’t notice I was that close.” Mike couldn’t figure out what was going on with him today. It all started with that stupid nightmare. He tried to replay the last few moments in hopes of figuring out when he had gotten so close to him, but he came up empty-handed. Was Will uncomfortable now? Eyes widened and mouth slightly agape, it was nearly impossible to read his expression.
He tried to recover the situation, “I guess I was too into the snacks… or uh- the comic, um… both of them combined really…” Mike trailed off, laughing nervously at the end. His posture was stiff now, almost statue-like.
“Oh, uh. That’s okay.” Will replied, the awkward tension between them causing him to regret saying anything in the first place. His leg felt cold where it had been pressed against Mike’s, and he didn’t like the sensation. “I was confused, if you like, knew you were doing that, or like-”
“I didn’t.” He interjected.
Will pressed his lips together and nodded his head slowly, understanding. “It’s not a big deal, really.” If this were different, if they were different, maybe it would’ve been a big deal. Maybe he would’ve told him to keep his hand there, to stay close to him. But they weren’t different. They were them. They were best friends. And Mike was straight. So it wasn’t a big deal.
“Okay, yeah. Uhh…” Mike trailed off again, trying to think of how to fill the awkward silence between them. “El’s birthday party is on Friday,” he suddenly blurted out. He wasn’t sure why he said it; it was the first thing that came to his mind. “You’re coming, right?” Another stupid sentence.
“Um, yeah, Mike. I live there,” Will said, regretting that his voice came out sharper than he intended. Immediately, he felt bad. It wasn’t El’s fault; he loved El; she was his sister. The blame fell on himself; it was his feelings that made him react the way he did. The mention of El was just another bleak reminder of Will’s reality. And it stung embarrassingly hard.
“I know, that was a stupid question,” Mike rolled his eyes with a grin. He relaxed back onto the couch, posture easing up some.
Will couldn’t help but smirk back, glad that Mike somehow didn’t pick up on how sarcastic his tone was. After that, the tension seemed like it was starting to ease up. Slowly, they sank back into the calm flow of flipping through comics and eating snacks. Minutes morphed into hours as it began raining outside, neither of them knowing, nor caring, how much time was passing.
But then, it started again. The bumps, the touching, the closeness. This time, though, Will decided not to say anything. For one, he didn’t want to make it awkward between them, like he had done minutes- hours?- prior. That alone was enough for him not to speak up. But, for two, he had to admit that a selfish part of him enjoyed the contact. It felt good to feel Mike’s body heat radiating onto him, their hands brushing when reaching for a different comic, even if it was accidental. His selfishness overpowered his sense of guilt, knowing how upset El would be if she knew he was enjoying this, relishing the contact from her boyfriend.
In reality, Mike did notice what he was doing this time. He noticed a while ago, that he was doing it again, getting close to his best friend. His primary instinct was to pull back again, break away from him, stop being so weird. But then he thought about it. If he moved away, Will would definitely notice he was there in the first place, and Mike didn’t want to deal with that embarrassment a second time, so he stayed put. Maybe Will didn’t notice. And was it really so weird? Sitting next to Will like that, touching, comforted him in a way.
It reminded him of when they were kids, and Will would sleep over in the wintertime. It would get so cold at night that they’d end up cuddled together in Mike’s bed by the time they woke up. He smiled at the memory; sitting side-by-side with Will right now reminded him so much of those nights. It wouldn’t be right for them to do that now, at their age. Plus, his father had put a stop to Will sleeping in his bed a long time ago. Which made sense to Mike, but still, a version of him missed being a kid, being able to do silly things like that without being judged. He wondered if Will felt that way, too.
He was too scared to ask, so, after a few minutes of thought, he decided to find out. Pulling his legs up onto the sofa, he scooted closer to Will, inching himself into his side. Chest pounding, Mike hoped he didn’t think this was weird. It was just, he didn’t know how to explain it. He was never good with words, so he knew it was worthless to try to explain his thought process to him. He just hoped that he’d get it. Keeping his eyes glued to his comic book, he tried to remain as normal as possible, as if they had always sat like this together.
Will’s heartbeat was going a hundred miles per hour. Surely, Mike noticed what he was doing, he thought to himself. Mike was pushed against him, leaning on him, almost as if they were cuddling. He felt so warm against him, so real, but he knew there was no way it was purposeful. Not wanting to make it awkward, he decided he had to get his attention a different way. Will adjusted his body on the couch and cleared his throat loudly, causing Mike to look over at him.
“Oh, um... Is this okay?” Mike asked in a nervous voice, and Will just about exploded. So, he was doing it deliberately? Heat pooled in his chest and stomach as he processed his words. He couldn’t understand why. Whatever the case was, the moment felt vulnerable. The uncertainty in Mike’s eyes, the way his body was tensed, made it clear that Mike was asking him in earnest. In a way, it calmed him to see Mike look as unsure as he felt.
He swallowed and gave the safest answer he could, not wanting to shatter the fragility of the moment. “Yeah,” he said softly with a small nod of his head. “It’s okay.”
Neither moved for a moment; the pair lingered in the heaviness of the situation. Suddenly, it had gotten too quiet, and the only sounds were coming from the rain picking up outside and their own breathing. Mike swallowed and carefully opened up his comic again, trying to act like everything was normal, like they’d always done this together. But for some reason, he couldn’t focus on the words. His mind was stuck in a loop, reminding him of their closeness and the fact that Will’s body was so, so warm. A part of him felt uneasy with the contact, but the other part couldn’t bring himself to pull away.
Will picked up on Mike’s tension, the way he was chewing on his bottom lip. “Are… are you okay?” He asked apprehensively. Will knew why he was anxious, but he couldn’t decipher why Mike was, too.
Mike looked at Will, making eye contact as he closed his comic book and set it on the coffee table. He didn’t know what to say, not really, because even he wasn’t entirely sure why he was acting this way. “Yeah, yeah, I am. It just… reminds me of when we used to do this as kids. So I’m just… distracted, I guess. Not bad distracted. Just… yeah, distracted. Been a while,” he tried to explain, with a weak chuckle.
Will let his explanation slide, even though he could only vaguely remember cuddling with Mike once, maybe twice, as kids. Mike must have a better memory than he did, he supposed.
They didn’t break eye contact, though. Mike found it impossible to look away from Will, as if he were stuck somehow. Both were frozen in place, wordless.
Will couldn’t help but notice the minute details of Mike as he watched his jaw tighten, as he noticed how their chests were rising and falling in tandem. Thrill, guilt, and fear flooded his mind, accompanied by the overwhelming sense of confusion he had been feeling since he arrived. Nothing could explain the way they both were staring at each other, yet he searched for an answer anyway. This time, he knew for sure that he wasn’t imagining it. He wasn’t overreacting.
This was real. Too real.
Mike wasn’t sure why he couldn’t look away, either. It felt like there was an invisible tether, keeping his eyes trained on Will’s face. He didn’t understand it, but it came naturally to him. Something about their closeness made sense; it felt easy. Will must feel it too, he thought. Why else would he still be staring back at him? Never in his wildest dreams had he imagined he could feel so close to a friend, but he supposed that was just the kind of friendship he and Will had. It was unlike any of his other friendships; it was deeper, realer, and Mike liked that.
They’ve always been different in that way. They could spend hours, days together, without getting sick of each other. Either of them could show up at the other’s doorstep at any time, under any circumstances, and never be turned away. Mike thought about last night, what they had done, the kiss. He could never have done that with Lucas or Dustin; it only felt right with Will. Will understood him better than anybody else ever could. His brain couldn’t get over it, the memory of yesterday. I told him that we’d do it again. Mike replayed yesterday's events in his head. How happy he’d been kissing Will, showing him how to do it correctly. He felt a sudden pull to kiss him again, to teach him how to really kiss, more than the peck they’d shared. Looking at Will’s eyes gleaming in the warm light of the room, he wondered if he wanted to learn right now.
“Hey,” Mike said quietly.
“Hey,” Will copied, his one word sounding unsteady.
“Remember yesterday, what I said about uh… helping me out?” For some reason, he couldn’t bring himself to verbalize it, to say they had kissed. He rubbed his sweaty palms on his pants.
Will silently nodded his head, unable to speak.
Mike gulped before continuing, “Do you maybe want to try again today? Like… now? I could show you… more things… If you want…” He hoped he wasn’t coming across weird. It was just their proximity; it reminded him of last time. This was just the natural progression of his thoughts.
Will’s breath hitched. Because yes, he did want. His chest tightened as he remembered how soft Mike’s lips had felt, how right they had felt against his own. Like before, his mind began to empty, leaving only thoughts of Mike- how he looked, how he felt, how he tasted. It was unbearable, the extent to which he craved Mike when he allowed himself to. What had normally been kept bottled up was now pouring out in waves in response to his question. His throat felt tight, but he managed to let out a breathless, “Okay.”
Visibly relaxing at Will’s response, Mike exhaled a deep breath. He didn’t move, though, didn’t react, expecting Will to say more. But Will didn’t speak. The silence stretched on, now heavier than ever. After a few more moments of quiet eye contact, Mike made up his mind. He was the teacher, the leader, not Will. The leader doesn’t wait for someone else to tell them what to do; they do it themself.
He shifted in his spot, not moving any closer, just showing intent. Gazing up at Will, he tried to gauge his interest, making sure he was still comfortable. Will’s expression was difficult to decipher. He didn’t look as nervous as yesterday; it was something else, an emotion that he couldn’t place. He spoke in a whisper, eyes wide with sincerity, “Is this okay?”
Will felt lightheaded, realizing Mike was waiting for him to decide. He was overwhelmed by how careful he was not to cross any boundaries. It felt different from yesterday. While yesterday had felt stiff, almost robotic, today it felt natural. As if they were kissing because they wanted to, not because of some stupid agreement. He took a moment before nodding his head again, adding a quiet, “Yes,” when Mike didn’t react.
With Will’s confirmation, Mike moved closer. He turned sideways, resting his body in the space between Will’s chest and arm. He put his free arm on Will’s far shoulder, steadying himself. They were a lot closer than they were last time, so much more contact between their bodies. Angling his head up to look at Will again, he realized he was already staring at him intently. He wasn’t staring into his eyes, though. Will was fixated on his lips. Mike’s breath went shallow. How long had he been doing that? It seemed as if Will had gained a lot more confidence since last night. Either that, or he was just ready to get it over with.
He started to close in, partially, pausing inches from Will’s face. His eyes were glazed over, and he was still staring at his lips, instinctively causing Mike to do the same. Will’s lips were plump, slightly wet, and had almost a red tint to them, which he hadn’t noticed until now. They looked almost… feminine, he thought. Or, not feminine, they didn’t look like girl lips. Will just had nice lips, he supposed. There wasn’t much time to ponder over it, though, because Will was whispering now, in a low, soft tone.
“Mike… How do I… How do I do this…” He asked. Will craved this moment, needed it, but still, he was unsure what he was supposed to do, really. His breathing was fast, with one hand in his lap and the other resting loosely on the other side of Mike’s body. He was hot and tingly where Mike was touching him, almost too much to handle. This was so, so much more intimate than it was yesterday, overwhelmingly so. It felt like Mike was everywhere around him, encompassing him totally and completely, and Will relished every second of it.
Mike couldn’t rip his eyes away from Will’s mouth, watching it move as he spoke. It was like he was in some kind of daze, like Will had put a spell on him. “Just… follow what I do, okay?” he whispered back.
He could feel the slight nod of Will’s head as he closed the gap between them.
Their lips met, gently, pressure only slightly greater than their last kiss. Will put his free hand on Mike’s chest, instinctively resting it there. He noticed their hearts were both beating at the same rapid pace, but his mind could hardly process what that meant, not right now, because Mike’s lips were suddenly parting against his own.
Will tried to copy him, opening his mouth the slightest bit, trying to get a feel for what to do. Mike tilted his head further right and took Will’s bottom lip between his, kissing him softly. Will responded tentatively, pressing back against him with caution. In response, Mike gripped his shoulder tighter, causing his breath to stutter.
It felt so good, a million times better than a peck did. Will couldn’t believe he had been missing out on this his whole life. It felt so innate, too, as if his body already knew what to do, how to angle his lips against Mike’s in just the right way.
But then, Mike was pulling back, lips separating slowly. Will’s lips suddenly felt cold against the basement air. The energy in the room, however, had shifted. They both felt it. Mike wasn’t sure what it was; he just knew he felt the urge to pull him back in. Will truly was a natural, and he thought his lips looked even better now that they were wet with his saliva. He stared into Will’s eyes- who returned his stare intently- licking his lips, silently asking for permission to lean back in.
Permission wasn’t necessary, because Will was already gripping his shirt, pulling them back together. It startled Mike, his forwardness, but he also liked how confident he was being. The kiss deepened almost immediately, Will tilting his head slightly against his mouth.
Mike was losing his handle on the situation. He wasn’t sure what it was, why he liked it so much, but a current of electricity coursed through his body every time Will’s lips moved against his. A part of him felt guilty, knowing he shouldn’t be liking this, yet he couldn’t help it; Will was just too good.
Mike slid his arm down from Will’s shoulder to his waist, pulling their bodies closer together, his other arm climbing up his back. Will’s hands adjusted to the lack of space, automatically wrapping around Mike’s neck. The kiss intensified, their lips separating and reconnecting faster than before.
Fire blazed in Will’s stomach as they continued the kiss. He pressed closer, harder, lips becoming more certain the more practice they had. Mike responded to him instinctively, matching his pace, losing sight of their original goal.
Without thinking, Mike pulled Will’s bottom lip, wet it with his tongue, and gently bit it, not expecting the reaction he received. Will gasped into his mouth, a needy noise, catching both of them by surprise.
Mortified, Will immediately broke the kiss and sprang away from Mike. Reality returned to him as his cheeks seared with embarrassment; he couldn’t believe he had really just done that. What was he doing? What were they doing?
Mike opened his eyes, panting, hearing the sound and feeling the cold distance between them before registering what it meant. Concern flashed through him as he thought he must have accidentally hurt Will, but it dissipated as he realized what had actually happened.
Oh. Guilt quickly overcame him. He took it too far, and Will reacted the way anybody would: normally, instinctually. And now he was just sitting there on the couch, hands balled up in his sleeves, looking like he wanted to disappear. It was his fault. He was responsible for losing control, for getting too absorbed in the moment.
“Hey. Hey, it’s okay. We- you didn’t do anything wrong, seriously.” Mike tried to comfort him. He wanted to make eye contact, but Will’s eyes were fixed downwards.
Will scoffed disapprovingly, a tinge of sourness mixing with his embarrassment. Because, yes, he had done something wrong. Both of them had done something wrong. All of it, the kiss, the closeness, it was wrong. And it wasn’t only that it had meant more to Will than it did to Mike; he knew that, he accepted the trade-off when he agreed to do it in the first place. The problem was El. His sister. Will was making out with his sister’s boyfriend, and not only that, but he selfishly liked it. So much so that he couldn’t restrain himself from moaning into Mike’s mouth. It was humiliating, acting like this was something more than it was.
“No. This… this is all wrong. I think this was a bad idea,” he said, eyes growing glassy.
Mike’s stomach dropped. Will was uncomfortable. He should’ve asked him before he kissed him like that; he would’ve asked if his body gave him any warning. It was like his mouth had been on autopilot; he couldn’t help himself.
“I’m really sorry, Will. I- I don’t know what came over me, I wasn’t thinking, I just- it was my fault...”
“It’s not even about that!” Will started to get louder. How can he not realize? “We… we shouldn’t even be doing this, Mike!” He continued, tears starting to slip down his cheeks. Will couldn’t grasp how Mike didn’t get it. The whole situation was ridiculous. El didn’t deserve this, yet here Will was, helping Mike cheat on her. Enjoying it.
“What? What do you mean? I thought you wanted to do this. I thought you wanted to help me.”
“Help you do what? Cheat on your girlfriend? My sister? Is that what you need help with?” Will was growing more irritated the more Mike spoke. How did he not understand the gravity of what they’ve been doing? The guilt was making him nauseous.
“Cheat? No, this… this isn’t that. This is totally different.” He couldn’t explain how; it just was.
“Different how? It isn’t different, Mike. Stop deluding yourself! We’re making out while she sits at home by herself. That doesn’t make you feel bad?” Why wasn’t this affecting Mike the way it did him? He wasn’t looking down anymore; he was now staring directly at Mike, trying to get through to him.
“El’s not by herself, she’s at Max’s house until Frid-”
“What the HELL, Mike, it’s the PRINCIPLE!” Tears were steadily flowing down his face now; it was as if Mike were deliberately being dense. “She trusts us, and we’re doing THIS! What if she found out? Then what? Would you tell her it’s not cheating, too?”
“She… you won’t tell her, will you? She’s not going to find out.” The thought of Will telling El terrified him. She couldn’t find out; she just couldn’t. He was doing this for her, for their relationship, but something in his gut told him she wouldn’t see it the same way.
“Oh great, so if she won’t find out, that means it’s okay? We shouldn’t even be KISSING! This is insane!”
“I know.. I just thought that… we’d said it’d be pract…”
Will wasn’t even listening anymore. It was too much. He felt terrible, the guilt, the shame, everything, it was tearing him apart, ripping him in every direction. He needed Mike to feel it too, the thousand-pound weight on his chest.
“We’re not practicing anything! We’re literally making out! And you’re going to what? Show up at her birthday party and act like you weren’t cheating on her with her step-brother?”
“It isn’t cheating, Will.” Mike sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than anything. It’s only cheating if there’s feelings involved, he thought. Kissing Will was fun to him, in a way, but that was only because Will was weirdly good at it, nothing more.
“How, Mike. How isn’t this cheating? Tell me.” Will knew he sounded cocky, but he didn’t care. Mike was acting completely ludicrous. He stared at him, waiting for a response.
“It’s just… “ Mike trailed off, swallowing hard again before continuing. He didn’t know how to explain it. “I don’t know. It’s different, it’s… it’s just not.”
“No. Not good enough. If this is so different than cheating, then tell me how.”
Silence. Mike just looked at Will, defeated.
“Exactly. Don’t you feel terrible? Because I feel terrible. She doesn’t deserve this, it’s… it’s not fair, Mike.” His cockiness was beginning to slip away as a fresh round of tears poured out of his eyes. He buried his face in his hands as he began to cry harder, unable to control his emotions any longer. He cried for El, for betraying her, and he cried for himself, the way he had used the situation as a way to pretend to have what he’s always wanted. Pretend. That’s all it was. Acting as if a kiss was enough to change a person’s sexuality, enough to make them love you. He knew it was impossible, yet he allowed a part of himself to yearn for it anyway. It was all just a big game of pretend, a game he had lost despite being the only one playing.
Mike was quiet again. Though this time, it was a thoughtful quietness instead of a defensive one. Seeing Will in his current state, really seeing him, made him rethink everything. This was hurting him. Kissing him, even just for practice, was hurting him. Will had always been more sentimental than the rest of the party, always more empathetic. He hated seeing Will upset like this, and he hated even more that he was the reason for it. It made sense, what he was saying about El. He supposed it wasn’t right to kiss somebody else if you were in a relationship, regardless of the reason. Mike wasn’t sure why it took Will’s words to realize that.
“Okay… Okay, I get it. This is… this isn’t good,” he said, accepting that Will was right, and he had been wrong.
“I can’t do it anymore, Mike. Both of us, it has to end here. It’s not okay,” Will said in between sniffles.
Mike nodded almost immediately, “You’re right,” he replied. He felt a pang of sadness saying it, though he couldn’t place where the feeling was coming from. Scooting closer to Will, he stopped just short of touching him, feeling unsure as to where the line was now.
“I’m really sorry, I- I didn’t think it through before I asked you. I should’ve.”
Will shook his head, “I shouldn’t have agreed, though. I wasn’t thinking either.” Now that Mike seemed to understand, it was hard to place the blame completely on him. He should have known better not to kiss Mike; it was always going to end up this way.
There was another heavy silence between them, neither knowing how to wrap up the conversation. Neither moved; the argument was over, but somehow, it didn’t feel resolved.
“I… I think I’m gonna go home, Mike,” Will said finally, brushing his hair down with his hands and straightening out his clothes. It was getting late, or at least he thought so; the dark clouds outside made it hard to tell the time. He had to get away from Mike; he needed time to think, alone.
“What? You can’t, it’s like, pouring.”
Mike wasn’t lying; he could hear the downpour pattering against the basement window, but Will had to get out of there. “I’ve biked in the rain before; it’s not a big deal.”
A sudden crack of thunder cut them off, causing Will to jump.
“Not in a storm like this. I won’t let you, and you know my mom wouldn’t either,” Mike said, raising an eyebrow at the last part.
“Okay, so I can just wait it out then. No big deal.” It was, but Will wasn’t about to let Mike know that. He would just wait a little while and bike home once the rain slowed down.
“Big deal, actually. The storm’s supposed to last until the morning.”
Will looked at him skeptically, scanning his face for any sign of a lie. He didn’t find one.
“I’m serious, Will. You’re not riding home like this.”
“What am I supposed to do then?” Will said, hoping Mike would suggest something other than what he knew he would.
“Stay over, like you usually do?”
He said it. Stay over. Will didn’t want to stay over. It was stressing him out being here, surrounded by Mike and all of Mike’s things. But he was right, the rain really was too heavy to bike in. It would be idiotic to wait up all night for a storm that apparently wasn’t meant to stop until the morning.
Not able to come up with an alternate solution, he sighed, accepting defeat, “I guess I don’t really have a choice, do I?”
“Not unless you’d rather get struck by lightning,” Mike tried to lighten the mood.
Will almost laughed, but he stifled it before it left his lips, resulting in a strange, breathy noise. Laughing didn’t feel right after everything that just happened.
“You can sleep down here, I mean- duh, you always do.” Stupid, Mike thought to himself; it’s not like Will was going to sleep in his bed with him, he always slept in the basement.
“Yeah, okay, that’s fine, I guess.”
Mike rubbed the back of his neck, hesitant to say more. “If you want, I can sleep down here too, so you’re not by yourself.” Mike didn’t know why he said that; it just felt right to offer, after how upset Will had been and still seemed to be.
Will looked up sharply, already shaking his head, “No. No, that’s okay. You should sleep in your room. I’ll be fine down here.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah, I think I just need some… space.”
“Oh. Okay, yeah. Space. No problem.” Slowly, he stood and collected his comforter from the couch, along with the snacks. “I’m gonna go ahead and go then, I didn’t realize how tired I was until now.”
“Okay.” Will wasn’t looking at him when he replied, already turned around to grab the spare blanket from behind the sofa.
“If you need anything, I’ll be in my room, okay?”
“Okay.” He repeated.
Mike lingered a moment longer, then sighed and turned towards the stairs. Will listened as his footsteps faded until he heard the familiar click of the basement door, leaving him alone.
He made himself comfortable, slipping off his pants but keeping his shirt on. The basement tended to be cold at night, even during the summer. Unfolding the spare blanket, he pulled it over himself, curling up on the couch. Like Mike, he also didn’t notice how tired he was until now- or maybe it was just the adrenaline wearing off; he wasn’t sure. Either way, he was exhausted.
Despite this, Will didn’t fall asleep right away. He stared up at the ceiling, rain still pounding at the small basement window, his mind refusing to shut off for the night. No matter how hard he tried not to, his thoughts kept circling back to Mike. How he cuddled close to him, tucked into his body as if it were obvious for him to be there. The innocent look in his eyes when he asked him if it was alright.
He thought about the kiss, the way it had felt so much more real this time. The way their lips melted together, almost perfectly synchronized. And then the slick drag of Mike’s tongue, the teasing bite to his lower lip. Will’s chest tightened as the sound he made reverberated in his head. How it slipped out of him before he could stop it. How desperate, how exposed it had made him feel. Mike had heard it, felt it against his lips. Shame flooded his body all over again, knowing that Mike knew he was the cause of his reaction. Mike wasn’t the one to pull away, though. He was. He wondered what that meant, what any of it meant.
Will couldn’t think about it for too long, because another thought entered his mind. El. Her smile, her kindness, the fact that she trusted him and Mike more than almost anyone. He squeezed his already shut eyes even tighter, guilt enveloping him.
He thought about how unfair everything was to her, to Mike, to himself; to everybody. El would never know that two of the closest people to her had betrayed her in such a selfish way. Mike got the better end of the deal, he supposed. Mike could kiss him and just walk away from it. He could leave the basement and be with El, still be her boyfriend. Aside from the guilt of cheating on her, he really wasn’t affected; his emotions weren’t involved the way Will’s were. Will had to deal not only with betraying his stepsister, but also cope with the fact that doing so brought up over a decade’s worth of unrequited feelings, of love. Wounds that he had tried for years to hide now felt fresh again, reopened.
But why had Mike been acting like that all day if it all meant nothing? That’s the part he was stuck on. Mike had been acting differently, in a way that was impossible to be making up in his head. Will hated that none of the possible explanations he came up with made sense.
Eventually, tiredness won against his racing mind. His thoughts melded together: Mike’s warm touch, his mouth, the bite, the guilt, El’s face, the confusion, it all intertwined until he could feel every part of it at once. Sleep came at last, as he fought with what his heart wanted and what his brain knew he couldn’t have.