Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Olympics, Italy, 2026.

08.02.2026, X.com. Formerly Twitter.

husbands in milan! @hollanovich tweeted:
who tf assassinated our captain #MilanoCortina2026
[Screenshot from the official Winter Olympics website - it’s the player guidebook, inclusive of pronunciation guide. The audio plays. Shane can be heard pronouncing his name only to be cut off by the loud CLANG of a metal pipe.]
112 replies, 506 retweets, 1.9k likes

the l in lgbt @ottawaswlwunite
replying to @hollanovich
r*ger c*owell 

—

08.02.2026. Group chat.

The Wolfbirds Go to Milan 

Cap: Hi all - this is the travel itinerary for our two days in Milan: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d5fl... 

Roz: Thank you, I had missed school trips

Cap: Fuck you.

Roz: 😏

Pike: Can we not?

Roz: We aren’t. You’re not invited

Bood: Thanks Cap.

Hazy: Wait, we’re staying at the Village?

Cap: First two nights only. The beds are not big enough for Ilya’s ego.

Roz: My ego? 

Pike: AND CUT. 

Cap: Don’t worry, the Superbowl Half Time show has started and his attention is now fully on that. 🙂 Él perrea sólo.

—

10th February. X.com, formerly Twitter. Morning.

EU correspondent ✅ @centaursLDNgal
Hi centaurs! I'm in Milan for the next twelve days and I will be going to a few hockey games including: Canada vs Italy, USA vs Czechia, the three quarter finals, and the Gold Medal’s. Will bring you all the updates from the Bel Paese!
75 replies, 315 retweets, 701 likes

husbands in milan! @hollanovich
replying to @centaursLDNgal
did you buy cryptocurrency in 1997 when you were 2? are you in charge of a money laundering operation? can i join?

still roz’s dirty sock @raidersbeach
replying to @hollanovich
but i thought you couldn’t wash money 

barbs! @hazandhabs
quoting @raidersbeach:

2 replies, 1 retweet, 5 likes

haazy’s muscle mummy @h0ckeyhusbands
replying to @centaursLDNgal, @hollanovich
it’s 2026. italy’s financial analysts are baffled as they record the first economic boom since 1963. little do they know, it’s twitter user centaursLDNgal, single-handedly boosting the GDP one olympic ticket at a time. 

boston sufferer @misspuckraider
replying to @centaursLDNgal, @hollanovich, @h0ckeyhusbands
she and @/r*ziesb*nny co-own @/hollanovupdates btw 

husbands in milan! @hollanovich
replying to @misspuckraider, @centaursLDNgal, @h0ckeyhusbands
genuinely what does this have to do with anything 

boston sufferer @misspuckraider
replying to @centaursLDNgal, @hollanovich, @h0ckeyhusbands
word on the street is that they’re on the centaurs payroll so!

haazy’s muscle mummy @h0ckeyhusbands
replying to @misspuckraider, @hollanovich, @centaursLDNgal

Centaurs ✅ @OttawaCentaurs tweeted:
We want to reiterate that we have no financial ties to any member of our fanbase, however dedicated they may be. Our bond is kept together by the shared passion of hockey as a game, as a sport, and as an Olympic discipline. 🌈
231 replies, 1.1 retweets, 3.1k likes

maggie @ilyasjockstrap
replying to @OttawaCentaurs
ah, yes, the “bond kept together by the shared passion of hockey as a game, as a sport, and as an olympic discipline”

harris! @HarrisDrover
replying to @ilyasjockstrap, @OttawaCentaurs

—

10th February. X.com, formerly Twitter.

EU correspondent ✅ @centaursLDNgal
The Canadian team is sightseeing in Milan!
[Video: The Canadian team, dressed in recognisable burgundy jackets, is seen getting off at the nearest, busy stop to the Milan Duomo. They ordinately leave the platform and tunnel into a corridor amid the morning rush crowd, then up the escalators, occupying both the right and the left side of each step. A man can be heard shouting: “TOGLIETEVI DAL CAZZO CHÉ DEVO ANDARE IN UFFICIO, PORCOD....” The video ends.]
98 replies, 906 retweets, 1.4k likes

barbs! @hazandhabs
replying to @centaursLDNgal
andddd the stalker strikes again

we’re in it now @shanespucks
replying to @hazandhabs, @centaursLDNgal
what’s the italian number for the police force i’m so serious 

we’re in it now @shanespucks
replying to @hazandhabs, @centaursLDNgal
also what’s the man saying? at the end?

elena is in milan @elenasulghiaccio
replying to @shanespucks, @centaursLDNgal
he’s welcoming them to the city of milan 💕

we’re in it now @shanespucks
replying to @centaursLDNgal,@hazandhab, @elenasulghiaccio
aawwww cute

—

10th February. X.com, formerly Twitter. Afternoon.

ESPN ✅ @ESPN tweeted:
Team Canada’s Captain and Ottawa forward centre Shane Hollander on the upcoming preliminary match against Italy:

[Video: Pre-recorded. Shane Hollander is standing just outside the perimeter of the Ottawa team’s practice rink in Canada, beads of sweat crawling down the sides of his face, as he speaks into the microphone.

Reporter: What are you most looking forward to?

Hollander: Well, I’ve heard that the Olympic village has Nutella fountains. Not part of my diet, usually, but. I'll make an exception.

Reporter: It does! Have you or the other players learned any Italian so far?

Hollander: Ilya, only the bad words. But in all seriousness — it's Italy’s first Olympic run in twenty years or so, and I’m looking forward to meeting them on the ice. And their goalie — Damian? -  he’s a prospect, isn’t he? (Smiling.) I've seen footage of him. First Italian player to be drafted by the NHL, youngest goaltender to dress at the World Championship back in 2021. (He cocks his head to the side, tongue darting out to lick his bottom lip.) He's clearly someone to keep an eye on. And he’s got the wingspan of a 747! (Laughs.)] 

90 replies, 401 retweets, 1.5 likes

maggie @ilyasjockstrap
replying to @ESPN
(affectionate) whore

melinda @marleauxxx
replying to @ESPN, @ilyasjockstrap
he did his research huh....................

maggie @ilyasjockstrap
replying to @ESPN, @marleauxxx
guess it was ilya hitting shane with the metal pipe during that pronunciation guide

melinda @marleauxxx
replying to @ESPN, @ilyasjockstrap
yeah ilya is NOT laughing

becca! @rookiesinlove
replying to @ESPN, @ilyasjockstrap, @marleauxxx
ilya rozanov seeing damian clara for the first time:

maggie @ilyasjockstrap
replying to @rookiesinlove, @ESPN, @marleauxxx
💀

maggie @ilyasjockstrap tweeted:
SIR PLEASE DDSFSSLDFKJSL;DFJSDLF
[Screenshot from the user's notifications tab. The latest one reads: @IlyaRozanov liked your tweet: "ilya rozanov seeing damian clara for the first time: (image)”.]

—

10th February. Tumblr dot Hell, later in the evening. 

Anonymous asked russiaslovemachine:
ilya is about commit a whole array of felonies against on that goalie

russiaslovemachine replied:
ilya breaking the sound barrier shooting that puck at the net: you’ve mamma’d your last mia
4 replies | 145 reblogs | 359 likes

shanesluckypuck reblogged ⇄ russiaslovemachine
#great! i can’t wait to be back at the winter olympics in 2070 :)

hockeyducksinarow reblogged ⇄ shanesluckypuck
#mr rozanov i’m begging you we've only JUST signed him  

altarivalita reblogged ⇄ hockeyducksinarow

#hollander dovevi farti i cazzi tuoi 

subhollander reblogged ⇄ altarivalita
#i know cataclysmic hate sex is being had at the olympic village tonight

amorehockeyealtridemoni reblogged ⇄ altarivalita
the seismometers near the olympic village the moment ilya and shane retire to bed:

#six avalanches three dead twelve injured

—

10th February. Same time. Text messages.

The Wolfbirds minus Holls and Roz

Bood: Can you hear that?

Hazy: Is there anyone who can’t fucking hear that?

Pike: Me! I brought ear plugs. You all stay safe though. 

—

11th February, early morning.

tg24.sky.it. Translated via Google Chrome.

Milano-Cortina |  Frana Niscemi | Groenlandia | Gomorra - Le origini | Spettacolo | Sky TG24 Insider

Notti di Fuoco Nel Villaggio Olimpico
by Gianmarco Soretti, Sports Correspondent. Published: 08.21am. Last updated: 11.11am.

It was a fiery night at the Olympic village, according to sources close to the staff in Milano Cortina.

Every year, sponsors distribute “thousands” of condoms across the village’s twin rooms to ensure safety above all during adrenaline-filled days. Some relationships, of course, are more high-profile than others. It seems in fact that the Power Couple of Canadian ice Hockey, Shane and Ilya Hollander-Rozanov…

mi serve xanax @madonnashane
congratulations to the hollander-rozanovs imagine fucking so hard you make headlines
[Picture of the article, translated via Google Chrome: Fiery Nights at the Olympic Village.]
23 replies, 1.1k retweets, 3.7k likes

🇮🇹 marco @marco__antonio9280
replying to @madonnashane (translated via ****)
So Ilya Rozanov is another turncoat who’s betrayed his country for the radical chic liberals and is trying to import the LGBT ideology here.

Shane ✅ @ShaneHollander
replying to @marco__antonio9280
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homosexuality_in_ancient_Rome  

mi serve xanax @madonnashane
replying to @ShaneHollander
[GUNSHOT]

the l in lgbt @ottawaswlwunite
replying to @madonnashane, @ShaneHollander
he literally said i may be sick! but yall are chronic 💘

boston girlie @raidersinlove 
replying to @ottawaswlwunite, @madonnashane, @ShaneHollander
has he ever EVER clapped back on twitter before today... sir blink twice if you need help 

haazy’s muscle mummy @h0ckeyhusbands
replying to @ottawaswlwunite, @madonnashane, @ShaneHollander
don't worry #confirmed shane hollander on a private apology tour for lusting after another man

—

11th February, midday.

mi serve xanax @madonnashane tweeted
PLEASE ALKSJDFS;DLKFJASDFDSLKF
[Screenshot of Ilya’s Twitter profile, with a notable biography amend in which Ilya addresses himself as a "former husband of all wives and wife of all husbands", quoting Julius Caesar's infamous nickname.]

Ilya ✅ @IlyaRozanov
бывший мужчина каждой женщины и женщина каждого мужчины
📍Ottawa  🗓️ Active since: March 2010
231 following 235.7k followers]

76 replies, 891 retweets, 3.5k likes

haazy’s muscle mummy @h0ckeyhusbands
replying to @madonnashane
did he just call himself a reformed f-slur 

Ilya ✅ @IlyaRozanov
replying to @h0ckeyhusbands, @madonnashane, @hollanovich
Not reformed. Monogamous. :) 

haazy’s muscle mummy @h0ckeyhusbands
replying to @madonnashane, @IlyaRozanov
so that smiley face is fucking ominous

mi serve xanax @madonnashane tweeted:
replying to @IlyaRozanov, @h0ckeyhusbands
mr r. i’m begging you mr rozanov. please. our goalie has done nothing wrong. mr roz-

—

12.02.2025. The game starts. Tumblr dot com. 

puckyburns posted:
coughing baby (20+ men picked hunger games style from sudtirol and thrown on the ice) vs hydrogen bomb (the hollander-rozanov eastern front)

shanesluckypuck posted:
ok national anthem time SIAM PRONTI ALLA MORTEEEE L’ITALIA CHIAMÒ

shanesluckypuck reblogged ⇄ shanesluckypuck
never mind we’re not prepared for death both hollander and rozanov are haunting this rink like ghouls

randomisedfiorello posted:
aaaaaand it starts

hockeysucchiaggio posted:
we can do this guys

hockeysucchiaggio reblogged ⇄ hockeysucchiaggio
ok so maybe we can do this if we snipe half of the canadian team in the next five minutes

gayhockeists posted:
how italy be playing rn 

hockeysucchiaggio reblogged ⇄ gayhockeists
THIS IS NOT FUCKING DODGEBALL THIS IS HOCKEY YOU GOTTA HIT THAT PUCK 

ichosecaringhockey reblogged ⇄ hockeysucchiaggio
#this is not hockey either this is a humiliation ritual 

puckyburns reblogged ⇄ ichosecaringhockey
#close actually! it's foreplay :) #and we're invited :)

Anonymous asked:
imagine this is your first olympic game and your opponents are the Red Menace and the Wasian Terror

ridetheinvisiblepuck replied:
i don’t have to imagine i can hear the rattling of the chains tying clara to the net 
0 replies | 12 reblogs | 50 likes

hockeysucchiaggio reblogged ⇄ ridetheinvisiblepuck
#this is like watching a national geographic doc #where two lions are performing some fucked up mating dance #while slaughtering a herd of zebras

altarivalita reblogged ⇄ hockeysucchiaggio
#prev you have such a way with words 

gayhockeists reblogged ⇄ altarivalita
#we're now past the apology tour into the #makeup sex foreplay territory #except it's enemy territory

amorehockeyealtridemoni reblogged ⇄ gayhockeists
#gay italian dunkirk happening in front of our eyes

ichosecaringhockey posted:
twenty-one shots blocked and we're not even thorough with the first period

randomisedfiorello posted:
someone give clara a gun to make it a fair fight i beg you 

shanesluckypuck posted:
first goal

shanesluckypuck posted:
SECOND GOAL???? 

madonnailya posted:
someone throw a duomo statuette at rozanov immediately how has he slammed THE ENTIRE TEAM INTO THE BOARDS ONE BY ONE ALREADY
0 replies | 25 reblogs | 41 likes

subhollander reblogged ⇄ madonnailya
#half of trivellato’s teeth are still IN the board mind you

altarivalita reblogged ⇄ subhollander
#TRIVELLATO di nome e di fatto

ilyasprincealbert reblogged ⇄ altarivalita
#so i just googled it and trivellato means DRILLED #lmfao omen nomen so sorry man

altarivalita posted:

puckyburns posted:

randomisedfiorello posted:
YES

madonnailya posted:
YES?????

shanesluckypuck posted:
OH MY GOD

lactationkinkilya posted:
did italy just score a goal 

shanesluckypuck posted:
thank you mr pike for allowing that opening

subhollander posted:
ok so the italian fans are chanting SCEMO SCEMO at pike
0 replies | 25 reblogs | 101 likes

ichosecaringhockey reblogged ⇄ subhollander
#i think ilya is chanting too

amorehockeyealtridemoni posted:
shane hollander is also on a mission and the mission is murder because WHY IS HE BODYCHECKING PEOPLE LIKE THAT TOO 
0 replies | 2 reblogs | 10 likes

subhollander reblogged ⇄ amorehockeyealtridemoni
#HONESTLY DID WE NOT HAVE ENOUGH GOING ON WITH THE FUCKING RED SCARE ON SKATES

hockeysucchiaggio reblogged ⇄ subhollander
#he's on an apology tour and we're all suffering with him 

lactationkinkilya posted:
now happening on our screens: battle of caporetto, 1917

madonnailya posted:
NO

shanesluckypuck posted:
NO

randomisedfiorello posted:
NO

shanesluckypuck posted:
NOOOOOO CLARAAAAAAAAA

subhollander posted:
NO DAMIAN NOOOOOOOO

ichosecaringhockey posted:
THEY MASSACRED MY BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
0 replies | 15 reblogs | 76 likes

randomisedfiorello reblogged ⇄ ichosecaringhockey
#this is my 9/11

ridetheinvisiblepuck reblogged ⇄ randomisedfiorello
#rozanov has hit the second tower

amorehockeyealtridemoni reblogged ⇄ ridetheinvisiblepuck
#rozanov about to hit the second goalie too

italianrozanov posted:
first time i post tonight and it's to announce that i'm joining the fight against homophobia on the side of homophobia
10 replies | 90 reblogs | 231 likes

—

12.02.2025. Circa 11pm. The match has now ended 11 - 1. Two of the Italian defensemen have moderate sprains. Second-line right wing forward has a broken nose and the blood is still on the ice. Damian Clara is nowhere to be seen.

randomisedfiorello posted:
this is what the romans must've felt watching gladiator fights
2 replies | 21 reblogs | 91 likes

shanesluckypuck reblogged ⇄ randomisedfiorello
#maybe we get lucky and they fuck nasty and raw on the ice i dont care anymore

subhollander reblogged ⇄ shanesluckypuck
#fuck him in the ice rink thursday

madonnailya reblogged ⇄ subhollander
#wait did ilya say what i think he said

subhollander reblogged ⇄ madonnailya
#prev #YES LMFAO

—

12.02.2025. X.com, formerly Twitter. 

mi serve xanax @madonnashane tweeted:
the RAI commentator just went “well we can’t be sure of what rozanov said but it seems to have been exultance” but you could literally hear ilya shout FORZA FROCI in near perfect italian
155 replies, 1k retweets, 4k likes

husbands in milan! @hollanovich
replying to @madonnashane
HE’S COME SO FAR POLYGLOT KING <3 #letilyasayfaggot

harris! @HarrisDrover
replying to @madonnashane, @hollanovich

husbands in milan! @hollanovich
replying to @madonnashane, @HarrisDrover
THEY JUST BLASPHEMEDDFJHSKDFJSKDJFSDFKJJSD

—

12.02.2025. Reporters' room. 

Adrenaline is still thrumming through Ilya's veins when follows Shane and stops in front of the reporter. He's not delusional—he knows they won't have many more occasions like this, not the Olympics, and this result is exactly what they wanted. What they needed. What he needed, given, well. Well. 

So, he's pleased. And, of course, the Italian reporters ask Shane about their style of play in the ice—aggressive, harsh—and no, really, says Shane, he does not listen to rumours: this is how they usually play, nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing else to consider. One smooth lie after the other, because any mark the shape of Ilya's teeth on his body is carefully covered by the hockey gear.

And then, finally, they ask them both if they've got any more words after winning against the host country, and: “Of course,” Shane says, agreeable as always. “We enjoyed visiting La Scala just yesterday, and the people here, everywhere, have made us feel very welcomed.”

Ilya flashes his best smile. Shane stills, knowing that, truthfully, Ilya has indeed learned some Italian. 

“We took the metro,” says Ilya. “We were welcomed there, too. What did they say to us? Ah, da. Welcoming words: Porco D-” 

—

13.02.2025

fin (not really)