Chapter Text
13th February. X.com, formerly Twitter. 11.47am.
avanti tutta 🇮🇹 @puroitalicomarco450
replying to @ANSAEN (translated via ****)
How did we even let this fucking Russian past our difense so many times?elena in milan @elenasulghiaccio
quoting @puroitalicomarco450
Bill Clinton on the phone to Massimo D’Alema about the Mitrokhin KGB espionage dossier in 1999:
How did we even let this fucking Russian past our defense so many times?
—
13th February. X.com, formerly Twitter. Same time.
⇄ Shane Hollander reposted
Hockey Canada ✅ @HockeyCanada:
We want to reiterate our gratitude for the warm welcome in Milan. While ice hockey is an intense, physically demanding sport, we hope to have displayed the sportsmanship that is part of the Olympic spirit.
mi serve xanax @madonnashane
replying to @HockeyCanada
"the sportsmanship that is part of the Olympic spirit" YOU UNLEASHED THE SCOURGE OF MOSCOW UPON DAMIAN CLARA
⇄ Shane Hollander reposted
Hockey Canada ✅ @HockeyCanada:
We also would like to formally apologise for the inadvertently offensive words of our Assistant Captain Ilya Hollander-Rozanov, who had been misinformed on their blasphemous meaning. He remains sincerely apologetic by such misunderstanding and vows to not use them in the future.
hollympians @redmenaceilya
replying to @HockeyCanada
thankfully the catholic church’s got 10,000+ more saints he can namestill roz’s dirty sock @raidersbeach
replying to @redmenaceilya, @HockeyCanada
does he not risk being excommunicated?barbs! @hazandhabs
replying to @raidersbeach, @redmenaceilya, @HockeyCanada
girl…………. he’s not catholic………………………….still roz’s dirty sock @raidersbeach
replying to @hazandhabs, @redmenaceilya, @HockeyCanada
since when????barbs! @hazandhabs
replying to @raidersbeach, @redmenaceilya, @HockeyCanada
approximately 1054ad
Vatican Says ✅ @PopeNews tweeted:
Ahead of the start of Lent, Pope Leo XIV invites Catholics to open ourselves to listening, fasting, and community, and to refrain from words that offend and hurt our neighbor.
elena in milan! @elenasulghiaccio
replying to @PopeNews
well this feels pointedhaazy’s muscle mummy @h0ckeyhusbands
replying to @PopeNews, @elenasulghiaccio
i miss pop francis,,,,, @ilyarozanov thankfully you're orthodox #faggotry my belovedwinter olympics mode @shanehussy
replying to @elenasulghiaccio, @h0ckeyhusbands, @PopeNews
have got enough of these catholics man you can’t do shitstill roz’s dirty sock @raidersbeach
quoting @shanehussy:
the patriarch of constantinople during the schism of 1054ad:
have got enough of these catholics man you can’t do shitbarbs! @hazandhabs
replying to @raidersbeach
they grow so fast 🥹
—
13th February. Midday. Text messages. Group chat.
The Wolfbirds in Milan
Pike: Has anyone seen my wallet?
Roz: Did you leave it on the ice with the rest of your dignity?
Pike: Fuck you
Roz: No. I like my players competent.
Cap: When did you last see it?
Pike: Three days ago
Roz: You last saw your wallet three days ago and noticed now?
Roz: How much do they pay you to be terrible?
Pike: Have you not got another religious body to offend?
Cap: Hayden - So when we took the metro to see the Duomo? Have you got your passport?
Pike: Yes. I’d left it in the safe. There was my driving license in there though. And cash.
Roz: Where do you usually keep your wallet?
Pike: Back pocket - why?
Roz: No reason. I hope you find it.
Pike: Thanks man? I guess?
—
13.02.2026. Same time. Text messages.
Private chat: Ilya x Shane
мой любимый: Ilya. Don’t.
Ilya: I think you messaged wrong person - this is not Damian Clara.
—
13th February. X.com, formerly Twitter. 1.25pm.
⇄ Ilya Rozanov reposted
ANSA EN ✅ @ANSAEN
Canadian Team defenseman “pickpocketed” in busy Milan Metro. www.ansa.it/en/news/canadian-...
Trending | Pope | Milano Cortina | Climate crisis | Meloni | Schlein
Canadian Team defenseman “pickpocketed” in busy Milan Metro
by Luca Corona, Sports Correspondent. Published: 12.51pm. Last updated: 1.01pm
It was just three days ago that the Canada ice Hockey’s National Team was seen visiting Milan’s most famous landmarks – the Duomo, the Vittorio Emanuele II gallery, the Navigli.
The visit, however, may have included an unexpected and unpleasant souvenir. According to an anonymous source close to the team, in fact, defenseman Hayden Pike was allegedly pickpocketed on the way to…
husbands in milan! @hollanovich
replying to @IlyaRozanov, ANSAEN
"anonymous source” and it’s ilya rozanov in a blonde wigthe l in lgbt @ottawaswlwunite
replying to @IlyaRozanov, @hollanovich, @ANSAEN
⇄ Ilya Rozanov reposted
elena in milan! @elenasulghiaccio
ATTENZIONEEEEEEEEEE PICKPOCKET
⇄ Ilya Rozanov reposted
amy @shanesunshine
the concept of the italian pickpocket’s handiword being faster than pike’s
Ilya Rozanov ✅ @IlyaRozanov tweeted:
Pikepocketed.
156 replies, 2.2k retweets, 9.8k likes
barbs! @habsandhaz
replying to @IlyaRozanov
i HATE that you’re this fucking funnyboston sufferer @misspuckraider
replying to @habsandhaz, @IlyaRozanov
mind you this is the type of shit he says in his second languagegiornalista da Repubblica @StefaniaAbate tweeted:
replying to @IlyaRozanov
have you got something to say about the slur on live TV instead?Ilya Rozanov ✅ @IlyaRozanov
replying to @StefaniaAbate
Did I? Slur?barbs! @habsandhaz
replying to @IlyaRozanov, @StefaniaAbate
every cackle you get out of me drags me away from godboston sufferer @misspuckraider
replying to @habsandhaz, @IlyaRozanov
HIS SECOND LANGUAGEEEEEE
—
13th February. Tumblr dot Hell. 6.78pm.
Anonymous asked:
Please tell me you’ve seen Ilya on twitter today
ilyarozanovsprincealbert replied:
ilya rn
0 replies | 10 retweets | 59 likes
shanesluckypuck reblogged ⇄ ilyarozanovsprincealbert
#KLASDJKAJASHDGASDGJASHrussiaslovemachine reblogged ⇄ shanesluckypuck
#it’s the oppression olympics #and ilya rozanov is winning #on team oppression
altarivalita reblogged ⇄ russiaslovemachine
#shane: ilya you’re being an asshole #[unbuckles his pants] #stop! #[pulls dick out]
Anonymous asked:
OK take it with a grain of salt but you know how the olympic village has a condom shortage rn? and obvs the canadian team is staying at a hotel, and hollander has them on that insane macrobiotic, performance-enhancing diet. well, i know someone from a curling team and they said that “the Red Menace” was bartering the condoms he had left for the highest bid. one of the winners was someone who smuggled him one of the nutella dispensers with white bread
madonnailya replied:
i choose to believe this like a small child having a marian vision in a small town in southern europesubhollander reblogged ⇄ madonnailya
#likely thing for tumblr user madonnailya to saypuckyburns reblogged ⇄ subhollander
#why would they use condoms after 16 years together………..ridetheinvisiblepuck reblogged ⇄ puckyburns
#prev: because leaking ilya's kids all over the ice rink would be both an original and ineffective hockey tacticrandomisedfiorello reblogged ⇄ ridetheinvisiblepuck
#not in my omegaverse fic it isn’tlactationkinkilya reblogged ⇄ ridetheinvisiblepuck
#unrelated #beyond me why shane would insist on that diet #when ilya plays like could enter the rink with his hands tied behind his back #and still shoot the puck into the net with his dickamorehockeyealtridemoni reblogged ⇄ lactationkinkilya
prev: ilya entering the rink against switzerland tomorrow
italianrozanov reblogged ⇄ amorehockeyealtridemoni
#luca haas’ dream game scenario tbh
—
13th February. Unspecified location. A few hours before, starting at 3.32pm.
Unknown number (Germany - Luge Team): Hello. Was given your number by a friend. How much for one condom?
Ilya: 3 chocolate profiteroles
—
13th February. Unspecified location. 3.39pm.
Unknown number (France - Curling Team): I need five condoms please
Ilya: greedy
Ilya: 10 portions of tiramisu and is a deal
Ilya: enjoy the orgy
—
13th February. Unspecified location. 4.01pm.
Unknown number (Brazil - Ski): How much for one condom?
Ilya: two cacio e pepes
—
13th February. Unspecified location. 4.45pm.
Unknown number (Italy - ice hockey): hello i need one condom please?
Ilya: oh, you want to get fucked again. i can respect that
Ilya: 10 cuore caldo desserts and the nutella dispenser with white bread
Unknown number (Italy - ice hockey): but i heard you sold for three profiteroles
Ilya: inflation
—
13th February, . Unspecified location. 7.01pm.
Unknown number (Norway - Biathlon Team): Hello. How much for two condoms?
Ilya: i don't deal with infidels
—
13th February. A hotel in Milan. 10.54pm.
Shane’s hand hovers above the open drawer of the hotel’s sidetable, his eyebrows furrowing slightly. “Ilya,” he says, “where are the condoms?”
Ilya watches him run the maths in his head. They’ve had sex every day, and multiple times a day at that, too. The victory against Italy alone had him hard as a rock before they even toed their shoes off in the room. Still, it’s nowhere near enough times to justify the fact that two of the five packs they brought from Canada are completely gone.
Shane sits back on Ilya’s legs, thighs bracketing Ilya’s hips. “Ilya.”
Ilya’s dick twitches against his tummy. “Shane. I love you.”
“Ilya,” Shane says again. His dick is still hard, despite confusion. Victory. “What happened to our condoms?”
“I don’t know,” says Ilya. “Why don’t you ask Damian Clara?”
—
14th February. 08.59am. Text messages. Group chat.
The Wolfbirds in Milan
Cap: If I catch anyone eating the portions of tiramisu Ilya bartered for five condoms I will make sure they get benched for the rest of the olympic run.
Bood: Sorry boss. Noted.
Hazy: Is Roz OK by the way?
Cap: He was fine twenty minutes ago - why?
Hazy: IDK. He said something that sounded like Russian cursing and then something about Dostoevsky.
—
14th February. 08.39am. X.com, formerly Twitter. Thirty minutes ago.
RaiNews ✅@RaiNews tweeted:
#MilanoCortina2026, Damian Clara is ready to face Slovakia in second preliminary match: he talks injuries, NHL future, relax tips, and the “condom shortage” #WinterOlympics2026
[Attached: Video. Clara stands in front of his Village twin room. He looks tired, dark circles around his eyes.
Reporter: The match against Canada was tough. Have you had a think about what could have gone differently?
Clara: Uh, yes. I think I had blocked about sixty shots by the time I injured myself. I don’t think anything could have gone differently, necessarily. Canada is tough. Those are the top players in the NHL. I think they clocked one of Hollander’s shots at almost 100 miles per hour. Rozanov’s—I think 89 miles. That one hit me on the shin.
Reporter: Rozanov was tough on you. Any idea why?
Clara, immediately: No.
Reporter: And your injury? Have you recovered?
Clara: [Stuttering.] I’m, uh, fine. I’ll be playing today. I appreciate the experience. I want to focus on the upcoming challenges now.
Reporter: That’s the spirit. And I have to ask—have you noticed the great “condom shortage” of the Olympics 2026? It’s all everyone is talking about.
Clara: Sort of. I was in bed early last night. I like reading, so I was relaxing, reading Dostoevsky. It’s my favourite author. But athletes from various countries kept knocking at our room door at all hours of the night. Someone spread a rumour that I was the only one with condoms left. Which. (His eye twitches.) It’s not true, obviously. So I didn’t really sleep much.
Video continues…]
30 replies, 205 retweets, 700 likes
husbands in milan! @hollanovich
quoting @RaiNews:
90 miles an hour is insane just do the merciful thing and fucking shoot him next timebarbs! @habsandhaz
replying to @hollanovich
it’s frying me that he’s talking like a plane crash survivor who made it out of the jungle after 12 dayselena in milan! @elenasulghiaccio
replying to @hollanovich, @habsandhaz
“i am lucky to have come out the other side. now comes the time for healing.”
—
14th February, afternoon. Tumblr dot hell.
Anonymous asked:
Well, Clara seems well rested.
ilyarozanovsprincealbert answered:
sure does
altarivalita reblogged ⇄ ilyarozanovsprincealbert
#’someone spread a rumour’ #girl…………russiaslovemachine reblogged ⇄ altarivalita
#everybody playing chequers #ilya’s playing psychological warfarehockeysucchiaggio reblogged ⇄ russiaslovemachine
#we gotta stop the fucking russian menaceridetheinvisiblepuck reblogged ⇄ hockeysucchiaggio
#prev napoleon to his advisors in 1812
—
It is now 22nd February. Canada has won the men’s ice hockey gold medal. It’s the last night of Sanremo’s Music Festival, hosted by Amadeo “Amadeus” Sebastiani and Rosario Fiorello. Guests of Honour: Representatives from Italy’s National Team (notable: Damian Clara); Representatives from Canada’s National Team, including Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov.
ilyasprincealbert posted:
i hate that hollanov is making me tune into an italian TV programme in the middle of the fucking day (i’m canadian)
ilyasprincealbert reblogged ⇄ ilyasprincealbert
ok what the fuck is going on that stagealtarivalita reblogged ⇄ ilyasprincealbert
#i promise it’s going to get worse
hockeysucchiaggio posted:
this is like if a singer couldn’t sing and was also a fag–(gunshot)
gayhockeists reblogged ⇄ hockeysucchiaggio
#mahmood?hockeysucchiaggio reblogged ⇄ gayhockeists
#no mahmood can sing
randomisedfiorello posted:
you’re on a stage with a beautiful boy, and he won’t tell you that he loves you, but he loves you
lactationkinkilya reblogged ⇄ randomisedfiorello
wait hollanov came on stage and i missed them?randomisedfiorello reblogged ⇄ lactationkinkilya
no sorry it’s still the old men
ichosecaringhockey posted:
russiaslovemachine posted:
okay i like this couple duo singing right now. you can tell they've been together a long time. they can even sing
altarivalita reblogged ⇄ russiaslovemachine
they’re brothersrussiaslovemachine reblogged ⇄ altarivalita
FUCK
shanehussy posted:
okay so are the middle aged men hosting married
randomisedfiorello reblogged ⇄ shanehussy
#yes! to women.
Anonymous asked:
isn’t it like 2.45am in italy………….
hockeysulcazzo replied:
yes
gayhockeists posted:
what in the dom/sub dynamics is happening here
madonnailya posted:
the dialectic parkour fiorello just did so he could talk about having stuff up his ass
lactationkinkilya posted:
I SEE THEM I SWEAR I SEE THEM THEY’RE THERE
gayhockeists reblogged ⇄ lactationkinkilya
#a random roman scout on the germanic border in 375ad
shanehussy posted:
IT’S THEM
hockeysulcazzo posted:
MY PARENTS
shanesluckypuck posted:
THEY’RE ON STAGE
ridetheinvisiblepuck posted:
BABIESSSSSSSSSS (they’re grown men)
gayhockeists posted:
HOLLANOVSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
hollanovs posted:
EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP
ichosecaringhockey posted:
whatever the fuck is going on right now
shanesluckypuck reblogged ⇄ ichosecaringhockey
#fyi what’s happening is that the host are singing the tune to anastasia but they’re dressed like hockey players #i guess because ilya is russianpuckinghollanov reblogged ⇄ shanesluckypuck
#ok so i’m not hallucinatinggayhockeists reblogged ⇄ puckinghollanov
#funniest bit is that if anastasia romanov was not dead ilya would shoot her again
amorehockeyealtridemoni posted:
ilya’s got a glee in his eyes you can only see in the gays and the theys on poppers outside soho nightclubs
randomisedfiorello reblogged ⇄ amorehockeyealtridemoni
#prev standard sanremo experience tbhilyasprincealbert reblogged ⇄ randomisedfiorello
#i can see ilya’s gay radar going overdrivemadonnailya reblogged ⇄ ilyasprincealbert
#he’s activating like a sleeper agent
altarivalita posted:
omg that’s damian on the other side!
madonnailya posted:
damian clara being 6’6” man trying to hide behind someone (fiorello) who’s 6’ on a good day is frying me
chosecaringhockey posted:
amadeus: italy’s best hockey prospect, damian clara
ilya: not if i can fucking help it
altarivalita posted:
ilya: have you ever thought of playing hockey? you should join
fiorello, so horny he can’t think: i can’t skate
ilya: is okay, neither can hayden pike
shanehussy posted:
‘i read machiavelli to relax’ cut to shane turning to ilya like ???????? no you don't wtf????????????
altarivalita reblogged ⇄ shanehussy
#is this because clara said is fav author is dostoevsky im fking crying
huckeysucchiaggio posted:
fiorello: so you’re pushing for hockey to be an open environment
shane: yes. unlike our marriage.
gayhockeists reblogged ⇄ huckeysucchiaggio
#LITERALLTYKSLASDKJFDSJKAilyasprincealbert reblogged ⇄ gayhockeists
#I CANT FUCKING BREATHEJASDBAKSD
ridetheinvisiblepuck posted:
we're just doing whatever at this point. the rituals etc.
subhollander reblogged ⇄ ridetheinvisiblepuck
well that was a convoluted way for fiorello to touch ilya’s absgayhockeists reblogged ⇄ subhollander
#slut ilya you're so dear #to me #not to shaneilyasnipplepiercing reblogged ⇄ subhollander
#DID HE JUST GIFT HIM A BUTT PLUG?????altarivalita reblogged ⇄ ilyasnipplepiercing
AND HANDCUFFS?????????????
ridetheinvisiblepuck reblogged ⇄ altarivalita
#apology tour OVERilyasprincealbert reblogged ⇄ ridetheinvisiblepuck
#murder suicide is IN
huckeysucchiaggio posted:
damian clara rn
hockeysucchiaggio posted:
wait what the fuck did he just say
lactationkinkilya posted:
ILYA WHAT THE FSDJF
madonnailya posted:
ILYA
subhollander posted:
oh my god
shanesluckypuck posted:
SOMEONE FUCJBG MUZZLE HIM
—
22nd February. Sanremo. It's 3.10am.
It's late and he's bone-tired and he wishes he could be in bed, at the cottage, back in Canada. But they're here, they're gold medallists together, and it's just the last stretch of this journey, this TV appearance, and so: yes, they're trying to make hockey accessible to everyone, regardless of ethnicity, gender identity, and sexual orientation. And: There’s a lot of things people say online, says one of the hosts. Amadeus? Ilya isn’t sure. It feels like he's on drugs. “Like that you’re trying to push the LGBT agenda.”
“Well,” says Shane, easily, beside him. Diplomatic, as usual. “If the agenda is winning, then yes.”
There’s laughter around the theatre. And you, says the other host, Fiorello?, addressing Ilya. "There are still a lot of religious people online who are quite—uh— upset at what you said a couple of weeks ago. And I understand. I was excommunicated, too, once. Quite a few priests and other religious figures posting tweets against you on Twitter."
“That is fine,” says Ilya, offering his best smile. Fake teeth and all. “I understand why they wouldn’t like me, the priests.”
Shane stills, because of course he does. He knows him better than he knows himself.
“Yes?” asks Amadeus.
“Sure,” says Ilya. “Because I am older than 12.”
fin (for real).