Chapter Text
He wakes up to the smell of food.
Going down to the kitchen, he finds Robert handing Liv a plate of brekkie.
Smiling, Robert greets, “Morning,” with a quick kiss. “Chas is out, and Simon and Gabby-”
“If you were religious, Simon would be respectful of you,” Liv snaps.
“I’m not a fourteen-year-old boy insisting on completely reorganising my eating schedule, am I? Some religious mandates should only be followed by adults. Ideally, completely healthy ones, but-”
“That’s not how his mum does things.”
“Well, we wouldn’t know, would we, seeing as how neither Aaron nor I have ever spoken to her.”
Having got some coffee in him, he's torn between exasperation and the still new feeling of, This is my life. I have Liv, and a boyfriend, and they’re having normal morning bickering sessions.
“Here’s some extra money, just in case. If he starts to get dizzy or have a coughing attack, make him have some water and a snack, at least.”
“Hold on,” he protests, “I have money to give her.”
“Never said you didn’t,” Robert says with a cheeky grin. “But seeing as how I dug your wallet out of the washing, actually, you don’t, at the moment. Should be fine once it dries out, though.”
Groaning, he tosses a dishtowel when Robert loses the battle against laughing.
“I’m hopeless, aren’t I,” he mutters.
“No,” Liv immediately says. “Of course, you aren’t. Just, um, don’t get hurt again, yeah?”
He winces at the memory.
A few months ago, with Robert’s encouragement and help he still isn’t sure he should have accepted, he and Adam started a scrap business. It’s been going well, but about a month ago, he had accidentally cut his leg, and Liv had taken it harder than he’d expected. Thankfully, though, Robert had managed to talk her to a better place.
“Don’t worry. Today’s probably going to be nothing but paperwork."
“Good." Finishing, she dumps her plate in the sink and kisses his cheek. “Remember, I have my study group tonight. We’re all going around to Jenny’s.”
“Right. If you can’t get a ride, call me or Robert. I don’t want you taking one of the last buses again.”
“Will do,” she agrees. “Love you.”
“I love you, too.”
Once she’s gone, Robert pulls him up and thoroughly kisses him.
Moving away, he sighs. “You still have that important meeting at ten, don’t you?”
“Yeah, but ten’s a long way away.”
He can find no argument with this, and so, he pulls Robert back over.
…
When he comes in, Adam glances over. “Things still going really well with Robert, I see?”
“What?”
Adam brings a hand up to his own neck, and belatedly, he remembers the love bite Robert left. “Yeah. I’d say you should see his, but actually, I think I might object to my boyfriend showing that part of himself to another bloke.”
“Ugh!” Adam pelts him with paper clips.
Laughing, he sits down. “But, seriously, we’ve been talking, and when me and Liv go to Ireland for Sandra’s birthday, Robert’s going to come with us.”
Giving him a soft smile, Adam says, “It sounds like you two lads might end up married, soon. If you do, remember, Vic does the catering.”
“If we got married, what makes you think we’d do a wedding? Just get the papers, and-”
“Yeah, you do that, and I doubt you’ll get to consummate your marriage, mate. Vic will straight-up murder Robert. I sometimes think the only reason she didn’t murder him for missing hers once he got back was because of you and him.”
“I’m not sure Mum and Paddy might not murder me, as well,” he muses.
“So, have you actually done any talking about-”
“No. If we do, I want it to come about naturally, right? Things are so good right now, I just want to enjoy them.”
“Got it."
…
As soon as Liv gets home, she mutters something about having already eaten and holes up in her room.
After he, Robert, and his mum have dinner, he and Robert curl up in his room. Usually, he listens to his MP3 Player and Robert reads, but before they do, they always talk. “How’d the meeting go?”
“Well, Lawrence wasn’t there, so, that was good. On the other hand, without him, I was completely surrounded by idiots.” He flops his head against the pillow. “What about yours?”
“It was good. Good for me, at least. Based on the shouting, I’m guessing Adam was in the same boat as you, talking to idiots on the phone.”
Robert winces. "Aaron."
“We’re doing fine. Silent investor, yeah? If this fails, I’ll find a way to-”
“It’s not going to fail,” Robert declares. “Adam does a good job most of the time, and well, you’re brilliant, aren’t you?”
“I don’t think you can be unbiased about this. What with you living in fear of a fifteen-year-old’s turtle and all.”
“I’m not the one who can never have crusts on my sandwich because of said turtle,” Robert points out.
He silently concedes the point.
There’s a- there might have been a knock on the door.
Touching he chest, Robert shakes his head. Getting up, Robert asks, “Liv? Chas?” and goes to open the door.
As soon as he sees Liv, he jumps out of bed. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
“Oh, good. You two aren’t- Aaron, I don’t feel so good.”
“Okay,” he gently says. Kneeling down, he puts his wrist against her forehead. “You haven’t got a fever. What feels bad?”
He knows her period was a fortnight ago, and he doubts it’d come back so soon. When she first came, Liv occasionally lied to skip school, but she never pretended to be ill.
“I just don’t feel good. It’s not pain, it’s just- not good."
Robert quietly suggests, “Alright, why don’t you take her down to the living room? Camp out on the sofa and find something on the telly. I’ll go get some fizzy water with lemon and maybe whip up some soup and toast.”
“I’m not hungry,” Liv mumbles.
“Well, I’ll still get the water and lemon, okay?”
“That sounds good." Standing up, he takes her hand. “Hey, come on. We’ll watch telly for a bit, and if you still don’t feel alright in an hour or two, we’ll figure out what to do then.”
…
They watch some home decorating show, and about forty minutes in, Liv falls asleep.
“Do you think she might have eaten something bad? Or do you think someone might have hurt her? Her and Gabby had a row? That Simon kid? I swear, if he did anything-”
Robert touches his arm, and he suddenly realises he’s been pacing.
“I dunno,” Robert says. “Let’s not jump to conclusions, though. In the meantime, why don’t we move her to your room for tonight, and I’ll kip on the sofa. If she needs something, you’ll be there.”
“That’s not fair to you,” he protests.
“I don’t mind.” Robert gently kisses him. “Hopefully, this will all be nothing.”
…
In the morning, Liv says, “I’m sorry.”
“Hey, you didn’t do anything wrong,” he assures her. “Are you feeling better?”
She nods. “Just a bad mood. Not like whatever last night was.”
Hesitating, he says, “If you need to miss school-”
“I don’t."
Downstairs, his mum fusses at all of them, “You should have woken me.”
“We had it handled, didn’t we,” Robert says with a look at him.
“Yeah, Mum, it’s all alright now.”
…
He picks up Liv from school, and she’s quiet the whole way home.
When they get there, they stay in the car.
“Whatever it is-”
“Dad has cancer!”
Confusion and terror flood him. “What?”
“I’ve been seeing Dad. I’m sorry he hit you, and I’m sorry he kicked you out, but he’s our dad. And he has Hodgkin's Lymphoma.”
“You’ve been seeing him. Has he- Liv, this is important, has he-”
“He’s never hurt me,” she says. “I don’t like what he did to you, but he doesn’t stop being my dad just because he made a mistake. Please, don’t hate me.”
He can’t answer.
“Aaron? Aaron, please!”
Then, she’s out of the car and running inside.
Taking a shaky breath, he drives away.
…
As soon as Gordon opens the door, he bursts in. “What are you playing at? I swear, if I ever find out you’ve hurt Liv-”
“You can’t just-” His dad sighs. “Look.”
He’s handed something.
From what he can tell, if the papers are forgeries, they’re masterful.
“So, you have cancer. I hope you die from it. Don’t you ever come near my sister again.”
“She’s my daughter. Unlike the other mistake I made-”
“Oh, meaning me? Your son? I’m not the mistake. How you and mum did me is, but you did worse than she ever did!”
Opening the door, his dad orders, “Leave. Or I’ll ring the police.”
“Go ahead. I’ll go, but Liv ever gets near you again, and you won’t be able to get me to leave. You’ll have to call them, and then, I swear to God, I’ll tell them exactly what you did to me!”
“They’d never believe your lies,” is the cold response.
…
When he leaves, he sees he has a voicemail from both Robert and his mum.
Instead of going home, he goes to the scrapyard and calls Sandra.
“Hi, love,” she cheerfully greets, and he hates himself even more, because, she won’t be so happy, something of a rarity for her, for long. “Everything alright with you and Livvie?”
He can’t help but curse.
“Aaron,” she worriedly inquires.
“Sandra, get on the next plane you can,” he orders. “I don’t want you to, God knows I don’t, but you might have to take Liv. Gordon has cancer, and Liv’s been sneaking around to see him. I don’t think he’s touched her, but it’s not as if I can keep her locked up. At least, in Ireland, she’ll have a hard time of leaving until she turns eighteen.”
“I’ll be there as fast as I can,” she dully says.
Hanging up, he takes a few steadying breaths, and then, he starts to tidy up the office.
When he comes across a letter opener, he finds himself holding it and staring.
Calm numbness starts to overtake him, and he positions it.
…
Afterwards, relief runs through him.
He knows, soon, he’ll feel disgust and horror and wish he could banish the pain and make the cut magically disappear. Every time he feels or sees it, he’ll feel even worse than he did when he first made it.
But for right now, there’s nothing but relief. The pain is welcome.
After listening to the voicemails, he goes home.
…
Robert kisses him. “I’ve heard the gist of it. Liv’s in her room. It’s- why don’t we all just leave her alone for right now?”
“Probably for the best. Are you or Mum doing tea tonight?”
“I am. Chas is out, again.”
“I’ll help, then.”
Going to the kitchen and rolling up his sleeves, he begins washing his hands.
Robert comes over, and he panics when he sees Robert’s eyes falling on the cut. “What happened?”
He's surprised at how easily he manages to make his response, “I cut myself,” so causal and innocent, but he’s relieved to see Robert takes it how he wanted him to.
He knows he should feel guilty, but he doesn’t.
“Uh, look. I understand how much you hate your dad, and well, I’ll always take your side on things like this, but- cancer. If he ever tries to hit her or anything, she’s old enough it’d only make her angry and decide to cut contact on her own. Not that that would be ideal, I know, but we could make sure we’re always around when he is…”
Robert continues trying to play peacemaker. He’s all tentative and watching how his words come across, and it’s so unlike the cocky, smug man he knows Robert can be.
All he can think is, You should’ve left the nutter trying to kip in his car all alone, mate.
…
There’s not much talking before they go to sleep.
Or there isn’t much talking before Robert falls asleep, and he moves out from underneath his arm.
Liv’s light is on, and he imagines she’s surfing the internet or chatting with Gabby.
Locking the bathroom door, he makes sure none of his sobs become loud.
…
“After school, me and you are going to talk."
“Whatever.”
“I love you,” he tries.
“I love you, too,” is her sullen reply.
He breathes out.
…
At the scrapyard, Adam’s called away, and finding some dishwashing liquid (he honestly doesn’t have a clue how and why they have it), he braces himself before starting to pour it on the wound.
“Right.”
Jumping, he looks over to see Robert standing in the door of the portacabin.
“Taking a page from my book, eh?” Locking the door and walking over, he takes the soap. “You didn’t lie at all, but anyone looking for the truth wouldn’t have gotten it.”
“Robert-”
“Anyway, I brought stuff to help clean it.”
Robert wipes the soap away with a wet nap, and then, puts some cool, sting-free ointment over it. Getting out a roll of dressing, he kneels down. “I know this isn’t about me, but when I was shot- I fought to live. I remember lying there, mostly in shock, and thinking, ‘I’ve got to live,’ and, ‘please, don’t let me die.’ Stuff like that.”
“But along with all that, at some point, all these terrible, horrible things I’d done in my life came flooding in. I didn’t want to die, but I wondered if I deserved it. If it wouldn’t be better if I did. I promised I’d change and do better, but I’m not sure I believed it. After all, I’d already realised how much I hated myself and needed to change, but there I was, minutes before, with someone whilst my fiancée was waiting at home.”
His heart aches painfully sharp in his chest at the thought of Robert lying on his office floor and thinking such things. I could have lost him before I even met him, hits.
Finishing the dressing and standing, Robert pulls him along. “The truth is, once I was up and moving, I did a few more things I immediately regretted. It didn’t seem like the promise was ever going to stick.”
He starts to tug at Aaron’s shirt, and Aaron hurriedly moves away. “No. I’m not in the mood.”
A firm hand is around his wrist and on his back, and he’s tugged back over. “Believe me, I’m not either.”
The shirt comes off, and softer but also more insistent than he's ever felt them, Robert touches and presses against his scars, and with a sense of resigned humiliation, he realises Robert’s trying to figure out if they’ve changed in anyway. “I haven’t-”
“Good.” Examining his hands, fingers, and the crease in his arms, Robert asks, “Do you remember what I said in hospital? To Liv, when she asked how I’d feel if I was with someone who has scars?”
Softly, he answers, “Yeah, of course, I do. That’s when I showed you mine, innit? You said you didn’t just sign up for the good and ignore the bad and complicated.”
“Maybe I could have used a better phrase than ‘sign up’. None of my ex-girlfriends would have much good to say about me, and,” kneeling down, he tugs at Aaron’s trousers, “let’s face it, we both know, if I’d ever gone for men as anything more than one-night stands, it’d be the same with my ex-boyfriends.” Looking up, he grins.
He can’t help but chuckle and shake his head.
“Shoes and socks off.”
“Really? We’re doing this?”
“Yep,” Robert answers with grim determination.
Sighing, he complies.
“But even with this, all of them would also say that, however many other bad ways I might handle it, my first instinct isn’t to leave to when things get tough or crazy or whatever. If someone matters to me, I stick around, and I do whatever I feel I need to. So, get this through your thick head, right now, Aaron: you can try to push me away, shut me out, whatever you think you need to.”
Standing up, he begins checking behind Aaron's ears and on his neck before running his fingers through Aaron’s hair. “It’s not going to change the fact I love you, and I want to be with you. It wasn’t just words when I said I wanted to be a family with you and Liv. I meant it.”
He slides his pants down without prompting. “You know, when Liv first came, I swore I’d never do this again.”
“What’s it called? ‘A slip-up?’ ‘Lapse?’ It’s not good, but you’re still alive, and we’ll make sure it doesn’t get infected. That it heals properly. People make mistakes, and they do things they shouldn’t, sometimes, and one thing I know you’ve always tried hard to make sure that Liv believes and understands is that, if she does or finds herself in a bad situation, it doesn’t make her bad, and it doesn’t mean she deserves to forever be punished.”
“Try to cut yourself the same slack you’d cut her, okay? Please, Aaron?”
“She might be leaving soon. I’ve called Sandra. I told her to get on the next flight she could.”
Robert takes a sharp breath. “We’ll have to talk more about that.”
When Robert finally moves away, he's sure Robert’s literally touched and squinted at every single inch of his entire body.
Getting redressed, he moves over to the desk Robert’s leaning against.
Pressing his hand against Aaron's, Robert says, “I’ve never asked, but this- your dad did more than just smack you around. Let me help you, please. Because right now, he’s winning. You’re hurting yourself, Liv leaving- that would only hurt you more. It’d hurt her.”
“Maybe, if he dies, and she wants to, she can come back,” he finds himself saying.
“I can find absolutely no flaw in your logic, and I’m sure a teenage girl prone to throwing things when she’s agitated, who possesses an attack turtle, and who you once accurately characterised as a mini-Sherlock Holmes won’t be able to, either.”
He shoves at Robert's shoulder.
Through the defensive irritation, there’s relief at the sarcasm.
“But more seriously, this could be a terrible mistake,” Robert quietly says. “Cancer isn’t an automatic death sentence anymore. Then, when Liv turns eighteen, we both know she’s liable to find her way back to him. Right now, you’re her- You can’t send her away, Aaron.”
“You know, that first night we met, I heard you talking, and to be honest, you reminded me of Lawrence: a dad wrapped around his little girl’s finger. Even finding out it was your sister didn’t change it much. I just thought that meant you probably caused your parents loads of grief by insisting on spoiling her rotten and being her best mate.”
“And in some ways, that’s more-or-less it, but I’ve seen it’s the same on her end. She worships you, Aaron. You’re her brave, brilliant, big brother, and if I’d hurt you any more worse than I had, there’s no doubt she would been more than just distant towards me. She would have made sure we were never together, no matter what it took or how you felt, because, flipping heck if any man not good enough for you was going to stay around.”
“If you do this, it’ll be a betrayal to her, and it’ll make her doubt your love. How do you plan to stop her when she’s all grown-up, then?”
Groaning, he puts his head in his hands. “I can’t let our dad have access to her, Robert. I wouldn’t be any kind of brother at all if I did.”
There’s silence for a long moment.
“Well, then, you have two options,” Robert says with such flatness that he finds himself straightening up to look at him. “You once said, ‘If our dad ever comes near my sister, I’ll kill him. No joke.’ Or you can talk to me, and we can try to figure this out. I’m not trying to push you, but if I knew what he did, some reason beyond the fact he kicked you out-”
“What, you think it was alright for him to do that?”
“What I know is, your mum left you and hit you, Paddy almost kicked you out more than once, Cain fired you and beat up on you, and you let all of them be around Liv. Cain, not as much as the others, but still. If that was all he did, to make Liv happy, you’d put it behind you.”
He takes a breath. “Well, I can’t kill him. Not yet, anyway. It’s for the best. Sandra’s been living with her sister and has a good job. She has some money saved up. I can send money, now, too. And Liv can still talk to Gabby and Simon from there.”
“Don’t I get a say?”
“Besides the fact you’ve more than had yours, why would you?”
“Well, by this point, I reckon I have some claim to her.”
He stares.
“I know we’ve never been made an official announcement, but I’ve been straight up living at yours for months. My sister is responsible for her knowing how to cook. I’m the one who prepares her when I know that something big is going to happen on Game of Thrones.”
The thought comes, and she likes your chocolate-potato pancakes better than anyone else’s.
Even when it comes to Sandra, he’s never completely said it. Almost three years ago, he found out his sister, the little girl he never gave much thought to, had tracked down their dad, and he’d said, You know what he did to me, Sandra. He’d hurled insults and curses at her and made threats about what he’d do if she didn’t protect Liv.
The first time with Jackson, he wasn’t even thinking of it. He was wondering if what they did meant they were proper boyfriends, if Jackson had liked it, if they could do it again soon, and being he was only nineteen and still pretty messed up, part of him had seriously debated maybe leaving a note and sneaking out of the house.
Even now, he makes it a point to never think of Victoria, partly because, her taking his virginity and him being in love with her brother are headache inducing to think about, and partly because, in the back of his mind, his dad was there. He was fumbling but tried so hard to be gentle, he was afraid a few times he wouldn’t be able to get through it all and finish, and when he did, he remembers feeling, I did it. I was with a girl, I didn’t hurt her, I can get married to a nice, pretty woman someday, have kids, and never hurt them. It’ll be fine, this is proof I’m not broken.
With Ed, he thought about it once and quickly decided not to. Things were usually so easy and nice, and he liked the life they had. On top of what happened with Jackson, his scars, and being a fugitive, he thought adding one more huge thing would have been too unfair to Ed.
When it came to Holly and Finn, he never thought about it and wouldn’t consider it now. The truth was, he did use her to fool others, and he’s heard she’s doing well in London. As for Finn, aside from the fact he tries not to think about the fact his little sister and his boyfriend will sometimes sit down together and get into hour long discussions about books and movies with the man he once had a one-night stand with, Finn is more someone he trusts to babysit than he’s actual mates with.
He’d really hoped he and his mum could both die without her ever finding out.
Every month, he goes to therapy, but he tries to focus on not focusing on the past, on managing his anger, and on not hurting himself. His view is, some things really do need to stayed bottled, and it’s best just to learn to not do stupid things when the pain gets bad.
Now, beside him, there’s Robert, and- Robert probably won’t run. He can probably cope with this the way he has the scars and the stuff he’s learned about Aaron’s past.
Probably, is the keyword.
Robert wants Liv to say, and he’s a little disturbed and grateful both by the thought, if he said, ‘yeah, I’m going to kill him,’ Robert might well nod his head and start helping him come up with a plan.
Robert might insist he needs to tell, and deeper than this, he’s always been afraid if he tells even one person, somehow, everyone else will find out. He’d rather be a hopeless thug to everyone than a victim of that, even to Liv. Some people still think, ‘oh, Aaron Livesy, he’s so messed up because of this or that,’ and he’s learning to deal with the fact, for some people, this won’t change, but he hates the thought of it being, ‘everything bad about him, everything wrong he’s done, it’s all because of what his dad did, not what he decided to do himself.’
“Hey,” Robert gently says, and he realises he’s started crying.
Wrenching away, he wipes at his eyes.
Robert doesn’t come after him, but he doesn’t leave, either.
“He raped me.”
And this, he discovers, is the same relief making a cut always feels, at first.
He wonders if he’s going to be able to survive the pain of after. He learned in class, once, sometimes, wounds have to be cut open to let the bad out, but he doesn’t think the metaphor applies here.
Robert, Finn, and Liv could probably say, pops into his head, and he has fight laughter against the tears.
“It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s going to be okay,” Robert is saying.
And now comes the part where my boyfriend bricks it, he dully thinks.
Then, however, he’s sat on the floor with Robert near him and a brew in his hand.
“How old were you?”
…
After everything’s out, he confesses, “I’ve thought about killing him. But Liv-” He shakes his head.
“Yeah, I don’t blame you,” Robert says. “So. What happens now?”
He shakes his head.
Moving a little closer, Robert sighs. “I- I’m probably going to mess this all up. Uh, but, Aaron, I’m not trying to pressure you or anything, but- Liv might have kids of her own someday. What if your dad has more kids? Another sister for you, another brother for her? Gets involved with someone who has kids of their own?”
Horror settles in his throat and stomach. “Liv’s fifteen. She’s still a kid. And this would destroy my mum.”
“And what about you? You’ve been suffering since you were a kid. He’s the one who deserves to be suffering. You deserve the chance to be happy. Safe. As long as he’s free, you’re always going to be worried about Liv, and you’re always going be dealing with this inside. If you let me help, though-”
“What? What do you think you can do, Robert? There’s no evidence. He didn’t hurt- well, obviously, what he did hurt, but if it did damage, it healed on its own. No medical report. I never told anyone. Sandra, she knew, and she did nothing, and that might have been best for Liv, so- the point is, she might decide to just take Liv and disappear, and even if she did help, she doesn’t have anything but, ‘I found a wet pair of pyjamas a few times and thought he wet the bed until I heard them arguing once, but no, I didn’t hear anything concrete.’”
“Arguing once?”
He explains, and something flashes past Robert’s eyes.
Feeling everything drain, he says, “I’ve lied to the police before, Robert. I’ve lied to most people in the village. Whatever you want to call it, I did play a part in Jackson’s death. I’ve stolen, gotten into fights, and destroyed property.”
“You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of,” Robert says.
He can’t respond, and Robert orders, “Look at me.”
He does.
“You’ve done nothing wrong. You have to believe that. All the things you’ve done, they don’t come anywhere near close to comparing to what he did to you. You’re a good person, Aaron, and you deserve to be really happy.”
His cut itches under the dressing, and getting up to find his watch, he sees Liv will be getting out of school soon.
He feels Robert clasp his shoulder. “Hey. I’ll be here. Whatever you’re ready to do. Whatever it is you need to do. You’re not on your own.”
In his mind, he sees the damn necklace Gordon sent. She wears it all the time. He always tells himself, there’s a fair chance their grandmum was a decent woman, and it’s only right Liv have something of hers.
Robert’s right, he realises. She could have kids, someday, and if Gordon’s still around, of course, she’d bring them around to him. My big brother was hit a few times, and after he hit my mum, he was thrown out, and this plus other emotional issues made him cut himself isn’t an end of reason to deny kids their grandparent or even deny the grandparent some form of access to them.
Whether she believes him or not, right now, if he can get anyone else to believe and get Gordon locked up, she’ll be safe. Even if he can’t get Gordon sent down, if he can get certain people to believe him, they’ll try to keep her away, and they’ll damn well keep any future kids away. If he tries to warn her after she’s all grown, she might not, and if he has to go against her for the sake of any kids she might have- he couldn’t bear it.
He turns. “If my mum’s around, I need you to keep her out of the room. And try to stay near the front door.”
Nodding, Robert gives him a tentative smile.
…
They pick up a caustic Liv, and as Robert talks to his mum in the pub, he takes Liv to the living room.
He tries to be gentle, and- he tells her.
Most of the cloudiness in his mind disappears when she screams, “You’re lying! I don’t believe you!” and curls up in a corner.
He’s surprised there’s no anger or guilt. All he sees is his scared, fifteen-year-old sister, a good kid who’s loved, worshiped, and dreamed of her dad for years. Gordon is someone she was taken away from, and years later, family loyalty and a little girl’s dreams helped her find him, and he said and did everything right.
Then, her big brother with scars on his chest and stomach came along and tried to make her happy, but of course, a brother taking her to the cinema and giving her a slightly better life than her mum could wasn’t going to stop her from wanting and needing her dad.
If someone told him his mum did such a horrible thing, there’s a good chance they might already be dead, but so far, she hasn’t even flung her shoes or a nearby toy of Basil’s at him.
He sits down near her. “I swear to you, I’m not.”
“Then, you’re just wrong! Dad wouldn’t- no!”
He waits.
“He’s not like you. There wouldn’t be anything wrong if he was, but he’s not. He had us, he had girlfriends before our mums. He’s not gay.”
“No, he’s not,” he agrees. “He’s not gay, and I’m nothing like him. Liv- I know you’ve heard before that rape isn’t about sex. It’s about power.”
“Jackson, Ed, Robert, I wanted all of them. I love Robert. When we’re together, it’s about that. If he weren’t around and I went out and picked up some bloke for the night, it’d be about two people having fun. I’m sure, in some way, Dad loved our mums. Loves you. It wasn’t about- he did it, because, he couldn’t control me, and that- well, for a time, that was the most effective way he could, and he knew it.”
“Did Mum know?”
“Not until later.”
“How much later,” she demands. “I was seven when she left. You were- seventeen? That’s about eleven years, innit?”
“About. I’m proud of you for doing so much better with your maths,” he offers.
She brandishes a shoe in his direction.
He takes a breath. “Alright, look. What exactly your mum did and didn’t know, I don’t know. She knew enough to know she didn’t want to risk you being hurt. Later, when you found him and I found you, me and her talked a bit more about what had happened to me. Liv, I’m fine.”
She scoffs.
“Fair enough,” he says. “It’s been a rough road, but I’m doing okay right now. But you- Liv, me and her would have done anything to keep you safe. I’m not proud of it, but I punched her, remember? She didn’t owe me anything. And if I’d found out she was hurting you, well, I wouldn’t have owed her anything, either. Half-brother trying to take you from your mum, so what, I’d’ve done whatever I needed to get you in a better place.”
“Does Robert know?”
“He came to the scrapyard today, and we talked.”
“Chas?”
“No.”
“Are you going to tell her?”
Rubbing his eyes, he nods. “I need to. But I wanted- needed you to find out this way.”
Getting up, she walks upstairs.
He debates following her, but soon, she reappears with the giant stuffed giraffe she won for him at a fair, and for one terrifying second, he’s afraid she’s going to destroy it, but instead, she hands it to him. “I don’t know how to feel. But I believe you, and I know something has to be done. Robert can take me out tonight, and you can talk to Chas. Feed Jane for me, yeah?”
When she offers her hand, he stands up and pulls her into a hug. “I’m sorry about this.”
“Don’t,” she orders. “I’m sorry for calling you a liar. Dad- he’s the one who should say sorry. Pay.”
Nodding, he kneels down. “Liv, when you’ve been seeing him-”
“He’s never touched me. Promise,” she says. “I just felt so guilty about going behind your back.”
“Well, don’t anymore, yeah? He’s not going to ever hurt either of us ever again.”
Nodding, she gathers Basil up, and they go down to the pub.
He belatedly realises he’s still carrying the giraffe, but he doesn’t have time to worry about this before Liv gives Robert a sharp kick.
“Liv!” He and his mum both scold.
“It’s alright,” Robert says with something between a wince and a laugh. “I’m guessing your brother told you some things, yeah?”
She nods. “And now, he needs to tell his mum, so, you’re taking me and Basil out.”
Robert looks at him, and he nods.
“Love,” he mum worriedly says.
“In a minute, Mum." Reaching for Liv, he says, “No more kicking. That’s one thing you will lose your allowance over.”
Robert clasps his shoulder. “Call or text if you need me to come back fast. I can drop Liv off with Vic and Adam. Andy and Katie are out of town.”
“Cheers,” he agrees.
…
Holding him tight, his mum cries.
…
Eventually, his mum and Liv end up curled up on the couch watching a brightly-coloured DVD with lots of singing.
In bed, he promises, “I’m not going to hurt myself again.”
Please, he thinks, believe me.
“Just- if you feel the urge, call someone. Or find someone. Me, your mum, Paddy, anyone. I couldn’t bear it if something happened to you.”
The words are soft and sincere, and he’s afraid to trust them.
Robert- last week, he had to threaten to set Basil on Robert’s books (he’d had Liv make a list of the ones he wasn’t allow to sic Basil on) in order to stop Robert from getting even deeper into a feud with Lawrence’s newest protégé. Robert would have given his all at trying to make it work with Chrissie if she hadn’t firmly ended things. He pays attention to anyone near him and files stuff about them away.
None of this is bad (well, the feuds Robert manages to consistently get himself involved in are), but Robert’s gone from a single businessman who had a nice flat, slept in suites when he travelled, and occasionally met up with a mate to watch footie and shag to this: Living above a pub, often making three or more meals for three or more people, digging his boyfriend’s wallet out of the wash and giving his boyfriend’s little sister money for her mates, and now-
There has to be a point when any sane person would say, no, I really didn’t sign up for this, and if this isn’t the point- he might need to start questioning Robert’s sanity.
Except, Robert presses a kiss to his lips, gently rolls him onto his side, and Robert’s arm settles over and around him, a soft but undeniably solid presence, and he will start properly worrying about Robert’s sanity when he stops needing this so much.
…
His mum takes him to the police station, and later, he tells Robert, “DS Wise seems decent. And he reckons there’s a case, even with all the lack of evidence and long wait.”
“Good.” Putting an arm over his chest, Robert moves closer. “Do you think he’ll be okay with a teenage girl and her turtle glaring, dogging his steps, and even outright threatening him?”
Closing his eyes, he takes several deep breaths. If he was her strong, big brother before, he’s not anymore. Liv has been fussing about him, and no doubt, when she feels something or someone’s a threat, she’ll take to protecting him the same way she would Gabby’s little boyfriend, Simon.
“I guess we’ll see. How’d things go for you?”
“Good. Listen,” Robert shifts up.
Opening his eyes, he looks over.
“Do you remember Ellie Hemsworth?”
“The one from Graphics with the baby you got hooked on Discworld audiobooks?”
“Yeah, well, Jamie’s starting to read herself, now, but-”
“She can’t be more than, what, two?”
“Ellie’s brilliantly creative. It’s lucky but no surprise her daughter would take after her.”
“’Course. What about her?”
“Her brother lives near here, and he has a large share in this computer company. They do- honestly, they could do better, but the problem is almost all of them fit the stereotype of socially awkward, I’d rather hole up in a dark room working on some bit of coding than actually talk to another human being. If they had someone like me, though, hunting down investors, taking the lead on business deals, they could go big. So, she and I have been talking around the subject, but more-or-less, if I leave White Industries, I’d have a job offer from him the next day.”
Utterly confused, he props himself up. “What- I’m missing something. Robert, tell me you didn’t actually come to blows or something with Lawrence.”
Something close to actual horror crosses Robert’s face, but it’s quickly gone. “You have me confused with a deadbeat Chrissie very briefly once dated. Just because I’ve worked out plans on how to murder him before, that doesn’t mean I’d-”
“Yeah, alright,” he says. “Then, what is going on?”
There are certain things he is confident in knowing when it comes to Robert, and one of these things is: Robert will never leave White Industries. Before Robert and Lawrence managed to work out the shaky peace they have now, Lawrence was doing everything in his power to drive Robert out, and Robert was working almost non-stop to make sure Lawrence couldn’t. Part of it is pride, part of it is, divorced or not, Robert is always going to want some connection to Chrissie, and part of it is Robert takes petty joy in forcing Lawrence to continue to have to deal with him.
He reckons, when Lawrence dies, Robert will occasionally show up at the grave just to gloat about doing something Lawrence wouldn’t have liked.
“Well, the money won’t be as good, not at first, but it’s closer, and I wouldn’t have so many out-of-town meetings. What do you think?”
Considering things, he asks, “You aren’t doing this because of me, are you? Because of all this?”
“Not exactly,” Robert answers. “I’ve been thinking of this for some time. I started talking to Ellie before you told me. But this would make it easier for me to focus more on you right now.”
Everything in Robert’s voice and face are honest and determined.
Different reactions swirl around inside he, and he tampers them all down.
Finally, he says, “This can’t all be about me, Robert. If you really think this will make you happy and you won’t regret it, then, go ahead. But I’m not sure this is a good idea. It might be better for you to, I dunno, wait a bit, see how you feel, then.”
“I’m meeting Lawrence in town the day after. Other than your doubts, though, you’re okay with this?”
“Yeah, of course. I want ya to be happy.”
Robert kisses him. “Good.” Tugging him down, Robert wraps an arm around him. “Hopefully, when this is all done, you’ll be able to be, too.”
“I have been happy. With you and Liv. My mum. Maybe, after this is over, we should see about getting our own place, eh?”
“Sounds good. Just so you know, though, I refuse to help move Basil’s playhouse. If something happens to it, you and Adam or whoever else is brave and/or stupid enough to help you will have to deal with Liv all on your own.”
Rolling his eyes, he comments, “That’s love and commitment for you.”
Beside him, Robert chuckles. “Well, you have to be reasonable about what you expect out of me.”
He gets the feeling answering and you need to be more reasonable about what you’re willing to give me before you end up giving too much wouldn’t go over too well.
…
Robert finishes putting a plate in the refrigerator when Chas walks in.
“Hey,” he says. “I’m about to go meet Lawrence. It probably won’t take but an hour, but if I do need to meet him later tonight, try to make sure Aaron eats. I don’t like it when he insists on waiting for me and falls asleep without eating. And if Simon pops around after sundown, there’s some leftover chicken curry. Remind Aaron that we do still have hate crime laws and, true or not, ‘Him being a fourteen-year-old boy hanging around my kid sister is the beginning and end of my problem with him,’ likely isn’t going to work as a defence.”
Chuckling, Chas shakes her head. “Oh, yeah, love. Mister ‘As a former fourteen-year-old boy, all of them are monsters, and it shouldn’t be against the law to kill them, especially if they hang around my baby sister’ will-”
Shaking his head and smiling, Robert interjects with faint exasperation, “A gay one.”
“Eh, gay, straight, whatever, he’s mostly right. Fourteen-year-old boys can be right little monsters, especially around girls. Course, Simon’s a sweetie, and we all know he’s completely gone on Gabby.”
“Yeah, including Aaron,” Robert says.
Shaking her head, she pats his cheek. “Well, finding Simon asleep in Liv's room didn't help any, did it? Besides, do you remember how changeable you were at fourteen? Or were you? From what I know, he was loving one band this minute, putting up posters, and the next, he was fighting some lad at school for wearing a t-shirt with them.”
“I was worse, but in a different way. Anyway, I better go. You alright?”
She nods. “Good luck, love.” Then, she stops him. “Hey. All this is- thank you, Robert. For being here for my boy and for Liv.”
Squeezing her hand, he says, “We’re all going to get through this, Chas. I promise.”
…
Robert and Lawrence met up at an outdoor café and shake hands.
“Lawrence.”
“Robert.”
They sit.
“I’m just going to come straight out with it,” Robert says. “I’m going to be leaving White Industries soon. It has nothing to do with you or Chrissie or me trying to get more of anything. Aaron and his family are going through some stuff, and it’ll be better for us if I have a job with duties closer to home.”
“Hmm,” Lawrence says. “I’m sorry for whatever Aaron’s family is going through. However?”
Smirking, Robert leans back. “You know, I wondered. I’ve stayed away from Chrissie for almost a year, I’ve only fought with Chloe when she was bungling things, which, it’s not my fault that’s been often, I’ve barely talked to you. But whatever, I have more important things to worry about than how I’m the worst mistake you ever made. I asked you to come, because, it’ll be easier to get my severance contract signed and filed with you here than doing it by mail.”
…
“I think everything is in order,” Lawrence says. Looking up from his papers, he takes off his glasses.
Finishing his Americano, Robert says, “Cheers.” Taking them, he signs. “We barely have enough room for at Aaron’s for the four of us, so, if you’re staying past today, I imagine the inn would be more comfortable than the Dingle sofa, but you’re more than welcome to come around for tea or breakfast.”
Lawrence starts to reply, but tensing, Robert looks over to see Gabby and Simon across the road. The latter has one hand wrapped around the jumper sleeve over her wrist, and she’s striding.
Groaning, Robert approaches them, and when they see him and start running, he runs, snags the neck of Simon’s shirt, and tugs. Simon falls back, and before he can let go of her sleeve, Gabby does, too.
Catching them both, Robert leads them over to the table. “Alright, where’s Liv?”
“She didn’t skip with us,” Gabby says. “Um, call my mum or whatever, but I need to use the loo.”
He places a palm against her forehead when she tries to move past. “Look, we both know you two wouldn’t have ran if it weren’t for trying to protect Liv. You’d just tell me to sod off, because, it’s not my boyfriend’s kid sister who was running up truant fees. Flipping heck, you,” he looks at Simon, “wouldn’t even be skipping if you didn’t feel morally compelled to tag along. Now, where is she?”
They’re both silent.
Rolling his eyes, Robert exhales deeply before kneeling down in front of Simon. “Alright, look at me.”
Reluctantly, Simon complies.
“You really are a good little lad. When I was your age, I went through my share of stuff, too. Unlike you, though, I deserved to be an outcast, and even at my lowest, I’ve never had it anywhere near as bad as you. That’s not right, it’s not fair, and I’m not doing this because I want to bring you lower. I’m doing this, because, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to protect my family.”
“The Inquisition, Magdalene laundries, priests hurting all those little kids, if there had been news coverage with video back then, if pictures of lynched victims could have been everywhere in an instant, people like me wouldn’t be the top dogs anymore. You, you’re just unlucky enough that, almost two decades ago, there was extensive video footage of a terrible tragedy and, somehow, through political machinations that even our own political leaders can’t properly explain, these misogynists in certain countries are gaining power and falling back on religion to justify doing terrible things.”
“But you found Gabby and Liv, or they found you, and suddenly, things were better. Well, if you want them to keep being better, you or her had better start talking. Because, if you don’t, when I find Liv, assuming she’s not hurt or worse, I’ll completely forbid her from seeing you, Simon, and I’ll make sure it’s enforced. No one to chaperone you and Gabby, and even if you and her,” he nods to Gabby, “go around together regardless, you know that the first time some more kids come around, having a problem with you, Gabby isn’t going to be able to handle it the way Liv has. Someone could get hurt.”
Simon opens his mouth, but Gabby smacks Robert hard across the head. “We tried to stop her, Simon especially, but she’s going to her dad’s.” She hesitates. “And she took a baseball bat from the school.”
Muttering, Robert rubs his face, grabs his keys, and asks Simon, “Got any money on you?”
Simon pulls out a meagre handful of pocket change.
“Right.” Robert digs out his wallet. “Ice-cream shop down the road. Buy your girlfriend some ice-cream and something fizzy to drink, and both of you stay until I get back.”
“I’m not his girlfriend! And I have money of me own. Which you didn’t even bother to ask.”
“Getting into your reputation for honesty and lack of petty thievery later, you pretty much are, and you can discuss male chivalry and pride in an age of growing female empowerment and independence at the shop. Also,” he hands some money over, “this is not a treat. I will find be asking what all was ordered and if the two of you stayed and didn’t cause any trouble. This is damage control. You will give me every cent of change back, and you will be paying me back.”
Simon nods.
“Go,” he orders.
They hurry away, and Robert jumps slightly when he sees Lawrence standing by. “You knew he had a kid. A girl,” he comments. “Some warning might’ve been nice, eh? Almost miss having to deal with Lachlan. Take care, Lawrence.”
…
Robert pulls up to Gordon’s house.
There’s a giant hole in the windshield of Gordon’s car, and as one police officer is carrying a bat, another is leading Liv to the police car.
Groaning as he turns the car off, Robert jumps out. “Wait, no, this one’s mine.”
“No, she’s not,” Gordon snaps.
“Yes, he is,” Liv counters. “Sort of. He’s my brother’s boyfriend, Robert. He lives with us.”
“Right, well, he can claim you when your brother does at the station,” the officer says. “She-”
“Alright, look, just please, wait. Look, here’s my I.D., would you just call DS Wise, please? Jason Wise. Aaron, her brother- we all just recently found out that this scum hurt him in the one of the worst ways possible when he was a kid. If I have to, I’ll pay for the damage, but frankly, there’s a good chance he’ll soon be sent down, and he won’t have any use for it then, will he?”
The officer sighs. “I’ll call.”
“Thank you,” Robert breathes out. He pulls Liv over. “Seriously? You think this is flipping helping anything?”
“My mum called. She wants to take me away, and Aaron- she said he called her, first. She doesn’t want to testify. I don’t care how little I was, if I’d known, I would have stopped him back then and hurt him for it. But she doesn’t have a car, and her precious china collection is in Ireland.”
Sighing, he pulls her into a one-armed hug. “I know it doesn’t seem like it, and until it is, I really don’t expect you to believe it, but I promise you, everything is going to be okay. It’s just going to be a bumpy, painful ride from here to there.”
The officers come over. “Alright. You can take her, but- what’s happening can’t be used as an excuse for vandalism and threatening bodily harm. If she does something like this again-”
“She won’t,” he promises. He nudges her.
“Yeah,” she mutters. “I won’t.”
Looking over at the scowling Gordon, Robert warns, “As for you, stay away from our Liv.”
“She’s not yours, and I’m the victim here!”
“Right,” Robert says.
Pushing her gently towards the car, he straightens up, extends his palms downwards at his sides, and walks over to Gordon.
“Victim? You don’t seem to get it, do you? There is one reason and one reason alone you and I are talking, Gordon, and she’s standing over there. You being blood means nothing. You lost any right you might have ever had to her the first time you crept into Aaron’s room.”
“He wouldn’t do anything, because, for all his mistakes, he’s a decent bloke, but if it were just him, and something happened, he could handle it. But it’s easier for a kid to deal with having a dad in prison than in the wind. I’m Robert Sugden, and my brother’s Andy Sugden. If you haven’t already heard about our reputations, especially mine, ask around. Aaron’s a Dingle, and I know everyone’s heard about certain people who’ve crossed the Dingles and just disappeared. No body, no anything.”
Moving a little closer, he continues, “If you make us believe that her possibly hating us and crying into her pillow is preferable to the risk you pose to her safety, people might be looking for you or your body for years. So, yeah, do yourself a favour and stay away from our Liv.”
Walking over, he opens the passenger door, and when Liv gets in, says, “Seatbelt on.” After she complies, he shuts the door, nods to the officers, and gets in the driver’s side.
…
When they get to the ice-cream shop, Liv rushes over to hug a hurriedly apologising Gabby, and Robert pauses at the sight of Lawrence sitting in the booth next to Simon.
Gabby rolls her eyes. “He felt morally obligated to keep an eye on us ‘til you got back."
Massaging his temples, Robert responds, “Thank you, Lawrence. Uh, I’ve got to have another Americano or, at least, something caffeinated. Could I buy you something? As thanks?”
“You know what? That would be nice. Let’s let these young ladies and gentleman socialise for a bit while you and I talk.”
“Liv, do you-” He sees Gabby is already sharing the large amount of ice-cream and other sweets she got with her. “Never mind. Here’s for a drink, if you want.”
…
“You like her more than you ever did Lucky.”
Robert grumbles into his coffee before swallowing. “I would have done the same thing for him.”
“My statement still holds.”
“Alright, you know what, enjoy your ice-cream, Lawrence. I-”
Lawrence stops him. “I’m sorry. I really do want to talk to you about something.”
“Fine, but since we’re no longer anything to one another, I reserve the right to walk away.” Looking towards the toilets, he adds, “And if Gabby isn’t back in five minutes, I’m going to have start trying to track her down.” Shaking his head, he says, “At least, when I had to deal with Lachlan, I only had to deal with him.”
Chuckling sympathetically, Lawrence says, “You’re doing fine.”
“Thanks.”
“I was- I was surprised you didn’t bring up the break-in.”
Tensing, Robert absently rubs his chest. “No, I told you I never would. Since I literally saved your life, I asked for one thing, for us not to come here. Sometimes,” he muses, “I wonder what would happened if you had brought us here back then. But it was a request. Chrissie never needs to know you were there or who I was with.”
“You weren’t with anyone,” Lawrence snaps.
Glancing over at the kids, Robert leans back and smirks. “We both know I was going to be. Yeah, it definitely would have ruined any chance I had with Chrissie, and at best, you would have killed me, and at worst, ruined me in other ways, but the decision had been made. By both of us. Given that, the fact I wasn’t actually in the middle of sex or had it yet doesn’t really matter. I told her the truth, and I lied. I deserved whatever I got for deciding to seduce someone in my office, and you- didn’t deserve to have her angry and just- devastated at the fact you were going to let me seduce that person, in part because it would have gotten me away from her.”
“Why?”
“Sorry, what,” Robert asks.
“Why were you- If you didn’t want to marry Chrissie, there were far better ways for you to have ended things. You knew you wouldn’t have lost your job just because the engagement was broken. As you noted, I would have hated you for it. So, why did you feel the need to do such a horrible thing?”
“Short answer? I was messed up. The long answer,” he glances back over at the three, “is a fleshed explanation of how exactly I was messed up. Whether this makes it better or worse, I genuinely wanted the person. I still wanted to marry Chrissie, and of course, I knew there was no logic or decency in what I was doing, but there it was. I was going to have it, at least, once.”
Lawrence shakes his head.
“But I have changed, now.”
“Well, of course, you have. After the shooting- but this goes deeper than even that," Lawrence says. “That’s what happens when men create or find families of their own. I know you’ve always had these ideas about Ellen and I, but- without her, I wouldn’t be here today.”
Robert squeezes his hand. “I’m glad you are.” Letting go, he stands up. “Sorry for the craziness today. Whenever you’re ever in town, feel free to join us for a meal. I better go get the dream team sorted. Take care of yourself.”
…
Parking the car, Robert sighs. “Right. Even all this, I’m still not going to talk down to you. I don’t like or agree with what your mum did, either. That said, Aaron sees it differently. He’s glad you were gone, because, it meant not having to worry about Gordon ever hurting you. Now, though, unless you want to go, there’s no way I’m letting her take you. Not until I properly win a game of draughts against Basil, at any rate.”
“I’ve told you, red always win. We’ve all told you. If you didn’t insist on always playing-”
“Deny it all you want, I know you help her cheat.”
Liv smiles.
Smiling slightly, he puts an arm over her shoulders. “You don’t have to, but if you ever have something important to talk about, I am an option. Not just when it comes to all this, either.”
She nods. Hesitating, she asks, “If I weren’t- would you really kill Dad? Gordon?”
“I don’t know,” he answers. “I’d be tempted. But it’d depend on what I thought was best for Aaron.”
“He doesn’t like it when other people make decisions for him. Big ones, I mean, not the kind he lets me make.”
“Well, I don’t like the fact he slurps his cereal or refuses to accept that, if he can do big things for me, I can do big things for him. Couples don’t have to like everything about one another.”
“I don’t think he’d kill someone for you.”
“Fair enough, but if he can occasionally nurse the idea of murdering a harmless fourteen-year-old kid for his sister’s sake, I can wish I could do more to hurt the person who hurt him in one of the worst ways imaginable.”
She considers it. “Yeah, well, Aaron likes doing big things for people, but he doesn’t know how to handle it when they do it back.”
“He’ll just have to learn, then.” At her nod, he asks, “Ready to go in?”
“Yeah.”
…
Adam is suddenly a giant cuddle-bug, but he can’t find it in him to complain.
Liv and Robert come in, and Liv scoffs. “Oh, you can cuddle with your mate, but whenever Simon needs a cuddle-”
Detangling himself, he stands up. “I thought he wasn’t supposed to touch girls unless they’re family or he’s married. He won’t touch Gabby. But sleeping in your bed-”
“Because, he likes her, as in, he fancies her silly. I’d never do her wrong with a bloke she likes. I've told you over and over again, he just got sleepy and fell asleep while we were listening to music. End of. And Chas and Robert believe me. Simon just sees me as the girl with the big brother she can threaten to sic on his bullies. Which, if he ever needs you to, you or Robert will be straightening them out.”
“Yeah, of course." He pulls her into a hug, but she squirms out.
“Um, also, I skipped school, went to Gordon’s, and broke his windshield. Robert stopped the police from taking me.”
“What,” is all he can manage.
“Right, that’s my cue to leave,” Adam says. Getting up, he hugs Aaron again. “Call or text if you need us, yeah?”
“Yeah, I will do."
Adam pats Robert on the way out. “Good luck, mate.”
…
When he’s done examining her arms and legs, Liv rolls her eyes. “I told you, none of the glass hit me. And he didn’t try to touch me.”
Glancing over at where Robert’s sitting, he demands, “Why didn’t you call me?”
“Honestly, it just slipped my mind. First, I was too worried about finding her and making sure Gabby and Simon were okay, and then, Lawrence and I got to talking.”
Getting up, he sits down at the table. “Fine. Um, thank you. For keeping her- Liv, you could have been arrested. Charged. And that would have been better than what Gordon might’ve done.”
Standing, Robert digs a can of beer and the bottle of fizzy orange juice out of the fridge. “Sandra called her.” Setting a glass down, he adds, “I’ll let you two talk.”
Kissing Aaron, he goes upstairs.
Until now, he had somehow forgotten about his call to Sandra. Groaning, he pours Liv a glass and opens the beer. “What- what did she say?”
“That she was coming. That I might need to go back to Ireland with her. Just be honest. If you don’t want me around-”
“Liv, I’ve wanted you around since I first saw you again. I’ll always want you around. Listen.” He sighs. “I’ve told ya, I worry about Gordon hurting you. When I found out you’d been seeing him, I got scared, and- well, Robert convinced me the best way to handle things was to tell and make him pay. But I’ve been living with this since I was eight, and I was convinced, if anyone ever found out-” He pauses.
“Yeah, I think I get it,” she says. “Do you think going to therapy every week is really going to help?”
“I hope so. I know you’re not completely on-board, but I think this will really be good for us. Yours isn’t going to tell anyone what you say, and I don’t know if I’ll ever stop needing it, but you might get to where you only need it once a month, and then, you might get to where you don’t need it at all.”
“Robert isn’t going.”
“Well, Robert is nowhere near as screwed up as we are, eh?”
She frowns. “I dunno. Gabby’s brilliant, but she has loads of issues. Simon has to deal with bullies. Me mum’s messed up. Chas used to be. Vic’s blood and married to Adam, so, she doesn’t count. But I reckon most people who like us have something a bit messed up about them.”
Smiling, he goes over and leans down to kiss her head. “I sort things out with the school, but please, promise me you won’t do something like this again.”
“I promise.” She squeezes his hand. “Go get Robert. I’ll start heating up dinner.”
…
Coming up to Robert getting out of the shower, he feels his mouth go dry.
“Hey, everything sorted?” In the bedroom, Robert drops the towel and starts digging through the pants drawer.
“Uh, yeah,” he manages.
Coming over, he halts Robert’s movements and kisses him. It deepens, but Robert catches his hand before it can make its designation. Sighing, Robert says, “Better not. We might have Bernice or Ms Ghiassy or, in something that would be very interesting and potentially terrifying, both at the same time over soon.”
He knows Robert has a point, but-
Unfortunately, Robert is already half-dressed.
…
“Babies, Sandra’s here!” his mum calls from the pub.
“I’m fifteen,” Liv complains. “You’re a grownup.”
Robert laughs. “Aw. It’s sweet.”
“Aaron, does me having a gay brother mean I won’t be charged with a hate crime when I kill your boyfriend?”
Remembering Jackson, he answers, “Probably not, but,” standing up, he shoves a pillow against Robert’s face, “you could try arguing that, technically, bisexuals aren’t officially covered, eh?” Holding his hand out, he pulls her up. “She’s your mum, she loves you, and you’re going nowhere.”
Hugging him, she nods.
Standing, Robert puts a hand on both of their shoulders.
…
After she’s finished hugging Liv, Sandra hugs him. “I’m so sorry, love,” she tearfully says.
He tries not to tense too much. “Are you hungry? We, well, Robert, mostly, made some buttered noodles.”
Letting go, she gives Robert a tentative smile. “Hiya. Liv’s told me all about you. Sandra.” She offers her hand.
Robert shakes it. “Robert Sugden.”
This might go badly, he abruptly realises. Even before what Gordon did came out, Robert has never seemed impressed when he's talked about Sandra, and now- he hasn’t really said anything, but he probably falls more the way Liv thinks when it comes to how she handled everything.
As for Sandra- there was an incident where his mum almost attacked her with shoes when Sandra found out he was gay. She was surprised, and she asked some questions, and most of them, he’ll admit, weren’t unreasonable. She just wanted to make sure strange men weren’t going to be in close contact with Liv, but the way she’d asked some of them had set both him and his mum off.
Still, he managed to, shockingly, be the one to calm things down and make peace between the two.
…
“Robert’s very nice,” Sandra says. “He doesn’t seem to like me much, though.”
“He likes ya just fine. He’s just worried about me, and even though they’d both deny it, him and Liv have become something like mates.”
Feeling a tug on his socks, he looks down to see Basil. “Nice try, but Liv’s not here. You want on the table, you climb on it yourself.”
Tugging the sock down, Basil proceeds to lick at his ankle.
“Er-” Sandra says.
“Don’t worry. Liv’s a little taxi, always toting her around and putting her up on things, spoiling her rotten. She can climb anything, though. No one believes me, but she once let all the dogs out at Paddy’s.”
Based on Sandra’s look, he reckons it’s safe to add her to the list of nonbelievers.
“Anyway, about Livvie- I, I was thinking of getting a flat in town. I know she’ll want to stay with you and Robert, but hopefully, she’ll come visit me, occasionally. Is it easy to move Basil’s playhouse? Or I have some money saved up, I could buy another one for-”
“Sandra, not that I’m objecting, but why are you staying?”
Blinking, she answers, “For you. The trial. I- if I give a statement, too, hopefully, they’ll charge him soon.”
He feels the breath leave him.
She puts a tentative hand on his. “I- I’m sorry, love. I know- I’m sorry.”
Wiping at his tears, he shakes his head. “Thank you. You don’t- you don’t need to keep being sorry.”
“I know you and Liv don’t understand," she says. "I’m so glad she doesn’t. I’m just not a strong person, Aaron. Your mum, whatever her other faults, she is."
"I was- well, it wasn’t exactly like the fifties and sixties, but in many ways, I was raised to be some man’s wife. And I loved your dad, and I loved you. When I found out what he was, what he was capable of, I’d already had Liv. And I should have taken you both right then, but I’m not strong, and no one ever gave me any idea on what I should do in a situation like that. When I did take her- I’m not afraid of working hard, but not being very skilled, no uni under my belt, and trying to make sure she was always fed and clothed, plus, always being scared he’d find us, there was just no money for extras and not enough time for me to devote to her.”
Sighing, she softly says, “I’m so glad she’s strong.”
He considers how to respond. Finally, he says, “One of my therapists once told me that he lets himself assume one thing about all his patients: That they’re trying their best. Their best might not look like his, but what matters is they are. You were a better mum than mine I ever was back then, and when she first found Gordon, Liv was a little wild, but she was never a bad kid.”
“No, she wasn’t. But I was so afraid her wildness would get her hurt or in trouble.”
“Well, we’re never going to let that happen, are we?” He squeezes her hand. “As for the playhouse, don’t worry right now. Basil only plays in it some days, and if we need to get another, I’ll see if Adam can get us in touch with whoever made it.”
…
“Hurry up!”
Popping his head out, he sees Liv is banging on the bathroom door.
“You’re only allowed to shower in the morning because it doesn’t take you long! Robert, if I get a bladder infection-”
The door wrenches open, and a grumpy-faced, towel-clad Robert has barely moved out before Liv has locked herself in.
“If we get a place of our own, it’s definitely having two bathrooms,” Robert declares. “Preferably on opposite sides of the house.”
“So, we’re getting a house, huh?”
“All the flats around here are smaller than this place,” Robert huffily points out. Then, however, he takes a breath, his eyes go soft, and he pulls Aaron over.
He warms down to his toes. This is the type of kiss, slow and soft but deep, he always forgets how much he craves until it happens. He always knows how much Robert wants him, but when this happens, he swears he can feel how much Robert loves him, and all the ways he loves Robert brim to the surface.
“Ugh, if you two are going to stay here to do that, then, I’m-”
They break apart, and he insists, “You’re going to school. Come on.”
…
At the scrapyard, Adam asks, “Hey, ya alright, mate?”
Looking over, he answers, “Yeah, I’m fine.”
“You sure? Only, you seem kind of far away, mentally.”
“It’s normal boyfriend stuff, I promise.”
“Want to talk about it?”
“No.”
They continue working.
“After this, I’ll leave it,” Adam says, “but, uh, just remember, me and you talked about Jackson, especially after the accident.”
He sighs. “The thing is, we haven’t, y’know- been together properly since before all this came about Gordon out. And this morning, he took longer than usual in the shower and came out tetchy when Liv started banging down the door. I think he was trying to-” He makes a vague gesture.
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, well, I think you know that it’s best to talk to him before everything builds. Um, I’d say don’t do it when you’re actually in bed or bring it up when there’s a good chance you might be interrupted.”
“Thanks, mate.”
Adam smiles. “Ya know, Vic and Katie both reckon he was never really in love with anyone before he met you.”
“No, he has been. He’s just changed from the person he used to be. That doesn’t really have anything to do with me, it happened before we even met.”
Adam shrugs. “Whatever the case, for Vic’s sake and yours, I’m glad for him.”
“Yeah, me too.”
…
Adam is gone by the time Robert comes to the scrapyard.
“Hey, help me look at this car. It should only take a week to get all fixed up.”
Finding a car for Sandra isn’t exactly a sore subject between him and Robert, but he knows Robert silently takes the view every one from Cain to even Liv is taking. He supposes it’s one he’d probably take, too, if it were anyone else, but it just doesn’t strike him as right to have Liv’s mum always having to walk, catch a bus, or get a ride from someone.
“Should work,” Robert agrees. “Tell me there are plans to paint it.”
He rolls his eyes. “Of course.”
“Good.” Moving back, Robert says, “I was thinking, if you don’t have anything this weekend, we could take Liv to London. I’ve already talked to Simon, there’s not going to be homework this weekend. And I know things are chilly between her and Sandra, and okay, I have my own issues with her, but believe it or not, I’m suggesting this partly because it might help that. Giving her some time away from all the gossip, reinforcing that we’re both there for her, it might help her be more secure in trying to bond with her mum.”
“Yeah, that sounds great.”
Robert smiles brightly, and tossing the wrench aside, he goes over, grabs his hand, and leads him into the portacabin.
…
Robert’s response to the kiss is hungry and fierce, but when he gets Robert's belt almost off, Robert pushes at him. “Wait.”
Watching Robert loop his belt back through and buckle it, his heart sinks.
He doesn’t want to be a mature grownup about this, but he knows he’ll regret not being, and with everything going on, he can’t afford to have such regrets in his life.
“Look, mate, you’re not doing anyone any favours by staying if you don’t see me like that anymore. Not me, not you, not Liv. So-”
Giving him an exasperated look, Robert deliberately leans against the door. “Why do you always have to fall back on your abandonment issues when- I’m sorry Jackson left the way he did. That your mum did, and that you still feel like the bad guy for finally leaving a relationship you were never going to be truly happy in. But, aware this is only going to incite you, that was you, spending two years just because Ed was good enough and life was nice. I’ve told you, I don’t just walk away, and you should know by now that I don’t say things I don’t mean. If I didn’t want to be with you, I’d say so.”
He knows he shouldn't, but he finds himself retorting, “Like when you thought of me when you were with Chrissie? In her bed at night, kissing her in the morning, making brekkie for her and her son, and you were thinking of me. Of my touch, of just being with me, talking to me. We can both be honest, can’t we, and say that, if she hadn’t told you it was completely over, you’d still be with her.”
“Right,” Robert sighs. “It always comes back to her.”
Suddenly incredibly tired, he shakes his head. “No, it really doesn’t. I tell you what happened with Gordon, and suddenly, we stop having sex. What exactly am I supposed to take from that?”
It might break him, he knows, but he needs to know what exactly caused this shift. The cut on his arm has closed up, but whether it’ll completely heal and disappear or turn into a scar is unknown. Was him doing it the changing point? Is Robert disgusted because he let what Gordon did happen? Does Robert see him as weak, now?
The last one scares him the most.
When it was just a one-night stand, he didn’t want to deal with questions and potential rejection by revealing his scars. Later on, when it became more but still causal, he decided he never would show Robert, because, he had figured out Robert didn’t have much use for weak people.
Even without everything involving Gordon, though Robert would likely be much friendlier towards Sandra, he wouldn’t ever be close to her. It’s why, despite what Aaron’s mum did, he does manage to genuinely get on with her. It’s why he prefers Liv over Lachlan; he’s bonded with her, and he basically spoiled Lachlan and helped clean up his messes mainly to keep him out of the way and be with Chrissie without a fuss. It’s why, even when he one day goes to Lawrence’s grave to gloat, he’ll likely bring some nice flowers or quality liquor, too.
“Aaron-” Moving closer, Robert tries to touch him, and he bats the hands away.
Nodding, Robert lowers them. “It’s about both of us.”
“Okay.”
Taking a breath, Robert says, “With all this going on, you aren’t in a good place. I know you’re coping, I don’t mean that. But I don’t want to take advantage of you or somehow make things worse. And I don’t- before we became a couple, if you ever had sex with me just to cope with something, that’s fine. I don’t care. But I would now. I don’t want you and me together like that to be ever be used as a coping mechanism.”
“If he’s charged, the trial could go on for months," he points out. "So, what, you were just going to wait for months or even more for me to be in a better place psychologically?”
“Yes,” Robert answers. “Again, if you were with someone else back then, I don’t care. I wasn’t. Remember, there were times we didn’t meet for months, but I didn’t want anyone else. Now, at least,” he tentatively touches Aaron’s check, “I can touch you. You’re beside me at night. We can just talk, and that’s so much easier than it was back then.”
The words cause a rush inside him. “Really?”
He was never with anyone else, but the thought Robert wasn’t, either- in the beginning of their relationship, he’d decided to go the same route as Robert and not care. They weren’t exclusive, and so, Robert had every right to be others. When Robert promised he’d only be with him, he knew he could trust him.
“Yeah,” Robert answers. “I still want you, Aaron. I always will.”
“I wasn’t with anyone else, either.”
“Really?” Robert gives him a soft, bright smile.
“Yeah,” he confirms. Moving closer, he wraps his hand around Robert’s arm. “If you want to wait, we can, but you don’t need to for me. When all this started, you might’ve been right. My head was all messed up. Now, though, I’m in a much better place. This isn’t about coping.”
Moving closer, he strokes a spot near Robert’s ribs over the shirt, and Robert bites his lip. “See, about two years ago, I met this boy in a bar, and I went to his hotel room. Even though I really wanted it to, nothing happened. That’s probably a good thing. I was beyond stressed that night, and being with him woulda helped, but that, that would have been using sex with a stranger to cope.”
“Now, though, I have this amazing boyfriend. Drives me mental sometimes, but still amazing.”
Grinning, Robert replies, “Oh, really?”
Trying to keep his own grin under control, he nods. “He can’t even start a new job without getting into a feud with someone within the first week, he’s still a daft idiot who thinks Japanese cars are the best, I oughta turn him in for abuse with the way he’s constantly kicking me, and he’s always making a fuss about the way I eat my cereal. But I’m stupidly gone on him. And when we’re together, again, it’s going to be all about wanting to be with my boyfriend and how much I love him.”
They kiss, and he keeps his hands on Robert’s side and his back, but the belt clanks when it hits the floor.
…
Afterwards, he’s a bit dazed from the pleasure, but at the same time, he’s also feeling a lot clearer.
Finishing getting dressed, he leans against the desk next to Robert. “Hey. Uh, this wasn’t about coping or anything like that, but I want to say thanks. For being here. I don’t think I could’ve done all this without you.”
Rubbing his shoulder against Aaron’s, Robert says, “Yes, you could. You’re one of the strongest, bravest people I’ve ever met, Aaron. But thanks. For letting me be here.”
They share a soft kiss.
…
When they get back from London, his mum hugs him and Liv. “DS Wise called, loves. They’re charging Gordon.”
“Good,” is Liv’s stone-faced reply.
Letting out a breath, he kisses her head. “Yeah. Good. Um, let’s all sit down.”
Once he and his mum are in chairs, and Liv is settled against Robert on the couch, he says, “When this is all over, whatever happens, I want to change my name. Be a Dingle like you,” he says with a look at his mum. “I don’t want his name.”
“Oh, sweetheart.” His mum hugs him and peppers his face with kisses until he squirms away.
Looking over, he tries to judge what Liv’s thinking and feeling.
“Good,” she repeats. Coming over, she presses against him. “I’m glad Mum changed mine. He doesn’t deserve to have anyone carry on his name, and we don’t deserve to have that monster’s name following us, being part of us.”
…
The trial and sentencing go quicker than he ever thought, and he supposes he should have known-
Five minutes ago, everyone had been celebrating the certificate declaring him a Dingle, and now, Liv is shaking, and DS Wise is looking at them with sympathetic eyes.
Their dad, Gordon, hung himself.
…
Taking off his coat, he puts it over Liv’s shoulders and sits down next to her on the park bench.
Her voice is croaky when she finally starts to talk. “I understand you had problems, you were still a teenager, technically, and you were scared everyone was gonna hate you, and I know you’d never try that, again, so, I don’t blame you, but why would he do this? It’s mean. Just another way to be cruel.”
Wrapping the jacket more firmly around her, he hugs her. “I wish I could say, Liv. It’s alright to love him, I’ll never try to make you feel bad for that, but that’s what he was. A mean, cruel coward. If it helps, this was about hurting me, not you. I’m the one he wanted to break.”
“He was stupid, then,” she scoffs. Wiping her tears, she continues, “I want to give my inheritance to my mum. I don’t have great grades, but they’re good enough I can go to uni. Because of him, she’s been living scared, with nothing special for herself, for years. She deserves something for that. It’s the least he owes her and me for doing her like that.”
Pride swells in his chest. “We can definitely talk more about that. But you know, she had you. That’s something special right there.”
She clasps her hand in his. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.” Looking up at the sky, he remembers how Jackson watched the seagulls. “And what Robert said to you in hospital, I didn’t really understand it, then, but I do, now. I used to hate our dad, Liv. But for all the evil he did, he did this one great thing. He and Sandra had you. That doesn’t mean he deserved you. Feel whatever you feel, and do whatever you think you need to. From now on, you’re ours. And well, I reckon Robert might have a claim, too.”
She gives a soft laugh.
“No matter what, I’m always going to love and protect you. Everything he took from you, I’m going to try to give back.”
“Yeah, I already know all this. I’ve known since I was fourteen.”
“And I know how much you love and want to protect me,” he says. “Sometimes, it’s important to say these things, anyways.”
“Yeah.” Squeezing his hand, she stands up. “Let’s go home.”
…
During the summer, he, Robert, and Liv go on holiday.
In the bar, he finds Robert and sits down next to him. “If she and Basil aren’t safely back by eight, you can’t stop me with talk of hate crimes. He’s an eighteen-year-old, white, Presbyterian boy hanging around with an underage girl.”
“They’re swimming in the pool,” Robert points out in his ‘my boyfriend’s a mentalist’ voice. “If she’s not back by eight on the dot, we can just walk down there and- Wait, you actually asked his religious affiliation?”
“Yeah, well, Gabby isn’t around, is she?”
Shaking his head, Robert asks, “Did you call your mum?”
“Yeah, she and Jane are doing fine. And based on the way she talked about DS Wise, we really need to start looking for a place of our own when we get back.”
“Good for them."
“I just hope she doesn’t mess it up,” he confesses. “When she was with Paddy- I dunno. I don’t think you can call yourself a Dingle until you’ve screwed up, at least, one good relationship.”
“Well, in your case, it’ll just have to be retroactive, then, because, uh, it looks like you’re stuck with me until my last day,” Robert says. Kissing him, he asks, “Want a pint?”
“Sounds good.”
Robert starts to walk away, but something twinges in him.
He catches Robert’s arm. “Wait. Hold on a minute.”
“What?”
“On that Game of Thrones show you and Liv watch, isn’t- ‘until my last day’, don’t they say that during weddings?”
Giving him an uncertain look, Robert answers, “Well, not exactly, no, but it is used as an oath."
Laughing, he pulls Robert closer. “Are you saying you want to marry me?”
“I thought it was something we could talk about,” Robert hedges. “Eventually.”
“If you are, my answer’s yes.”
Robert lights up. “Really?”
“Really,” he confirms. “Uh, but we’ll have to do a proper wedding, or else, your sister and my best mate might make it both of our last days before we ever get a honeymoon.”
Robert kisses him, soft and slow but deep, and in the background of the pleasure, anticipation for the future, for their future, spreads through him.