Archive of Our Own ^beta

Keith’s head was light, his heart, pounding.  Slowly, he made his way to exit the Yellow Lion, catching himself as he tripped.  His movements felt sluggish, as if each limb was being controlled by someone other than himself.  It ran through his head like a mantra: Galra, Galra, Galra.

Logic said that the rest of team didn’t hate him, but there was still that nagging feeling. Galra.  Traitor.  Murderer.  He could feel everyone’s eyes on him whenever his back was turned, boring holes into him, as if if they stared long enough, he’d turn purple and sprout big, bushy ears.  

Even Hunk’s jokes while they were gathering the Scaultrite felt forced. All they did was remind Keith of the new division between him and the rest of the Paladins. How could they trust him?  How could he even trust himself?

There was no point in going up to the control room.  He couldn’t help fix the Teludav, he would only get in the way.  Additionally, there no way he could face the side eyed looks and hushed whispers that would surely come with his presence.  His chest tightened at the thought.  No, what would be best for everyone would be if he made himself scarce until the next time they were called into battle.

Seemingly on autopilot, Keith made his way to his suite and stumbled into bed, not even bothering to change out of his armor.  He lay there in silence, trying to regain his composure as his breath hitched and his heart pounded in his chest.  In, out, in, out.  

He lay there in silence, seemingly for hours, before he finally drifted off.

With a groan Keith sat up, wincing as his body protested.  Sleeping in armor was always a bad idea.  He never seemed to learn.  

Taking a deep breath, he stood up and stretched.  At least now he could actually breathe, and actually think about something other than… No .   He wasn’t going to even let that train of thought start today.  

Dirt and grime fell off the armor with every move Keith made.  A shower was in order after all.  Grabbing a towel out of the cabinet, he made his way to the bathroom.  After the garrison’s community bathrooms and the sorry excuse for a shower back at the shack, that never seemed to have hot water, having his own bathroom was a luxury.  

Standing under the spray, Keith ran his fingers through his hair.  He scrubbed harder, trying to remove the sticky goop that must have come from the bowels of the Weblum.  His hands brushed something solid and furry, right where his ears should be.   No .

Keith held his arms out in front of him and his eyes widened   Where smooth, tan skin should be was purple fur.  He frantically grabbed his washcloth and started scrubbing, his breath hitching.  This couldn’t be happening.  He could barely stand to face his friends knowing that he had Galra blood running through his veins, much less looking like one.

A knock on the door knocked him out of his thoughts.  “Keith!  Hunk made pancakes!”, Pidge’s voice could be heard over the rushing water, “He thinks he finally found a way to make them taste like banana pancakes.” Keith could practically hear the eye roll.  Hunk seemed to be on and endless crusade to recreate food from Earth, though it never seemed to work. “Better hurry up or there won’t be any left.”

As the footsteps retreated, Keith shut off the water.  Maybe he could sneak down there somehow… He knew there was no way that he could allow the others to see him like this.  

Wrapping a towel around his waist, he walked to the mirror and almost dropped his clothes in shock.  Instead of a purple, furry creature looking back at him, there was only his face. His very human face, with smooth skin, round ears and a flat nose.  His skin, especially on his arms, was bright red from all the scrubbing.

He slumped forwards, gripping the sink like a lifeline.  Taking a deep breath, he tilted his head up, meeting the eyes of his reflection.   What is happening to me?   Furry, Galra features were bad, yes, but hallucinations weren’t so great either.

Keith schooled his expression and pulled on sweatpants and an old t-shirt.  He could go down, grab some breakfast, and come back up before anyone started to get uncomfortable.  Yes, that’d work.  

The castle was quiet and Keith made his way down to the kitchen.  Muffled noises could be heard from behind the door.  Keith hesitantly placed his hand on the scanner and made his way inside.

“Hey there he is, just in time for the last batch!”, Hunk waved, spatula in hand, and just barely missed splattering Allura with what appeared to be pancake goop. “It isn’t quite right yet, but it almost tastes like bananas!” He set a plate of pancakes down at the spot between Lance and Allura.

There goes the in-and-out plan.  Keith slowly made his way over, and pulled out the stool.  He stifled a wince as Allura, unconsciously it appeared, shifted away from him.  

Just as he was about to take a bite of pancake, Lance leaned over.  “Hey, do Galra even like bananas?”, Lance tilted his head like a confused puppy.  Keith felt his blood run cold.  “I mean they’re cats.   You’re a cat.  Cats are carnivores right?”  Without even a breath in-between Lance continued,  “Oh and dude, did you hear about Slav?  Now that was was a mess, Shiro almost…”

Keith ignored him and shoveled a few bites of pancake into his mouth, his stomach churning, and looked up at Hunk.  “These are actually pretty good”, He forced a smile, “I’m just not feeling all that great, probably all that gunk from the Weblum, I’m going to head back up.”  

Something indecipherable flitted across Hunk’s face, but he pulled the plate back.  “Okay, feel better man.”

“Yeah, you okay buddy?”  Lance’s voice was tinged with concern.

“I’m alright, just tired.  G’night guys.”  Keith slid off his stool and slipped out of the kitchen, ignoring the eyes and whispers that surely would follow.  He walked swiftly back to his room, luckily not passing anyone else on the way there.  The castle was, after all, a big place.

As he reached up to place his hand on the scanner, he paused.  His hand was shaking.  No, his whole body was shaking.  He slammed his hand against the wall, ignoring the pain that now coursed through it.  The thoughts just wouldn’t stop.  

Of course they all hated him and were nervous around him, who wouldn’t hate a Galra?  After everything they’ve been through, especially Shiro and Allura, they had every right to hate him.  They were obviously only keeping him around until they could find a replacement Paladin for Red.  A small laugh slipped out.  Yeah, right.  Like that’s going to happen any time soon.  So far Red wouldn’t let anyone else fly her.  

Taking a deep breath, Keith finally pressed his hand to the scanner.  He quickly crossed the room and threw himself down on his bed yet again.  

It didn’t actually make any sense for the others to hate him.  None of them had really shown any outward distrust, except for Allura, and that was understandable.  Keith’s mind kept screaming at him that he was an idiot to think that being part Galra would actually change anything, but he just couldn’t stop the thoughts that keep floating through his head.

Every look, every word, no matter how innocent, seemed like evidence that the team thought he was just as bad as Zarkon’s minions.  He wanted to avoid Allura, Coran, and Shiro especially.  Out of everyone, they had been victimized the most by the Galra.  Surely they wouldn’t want to be constantly reminded of everything that they had lost.  

With a sigh, he buried his face in his pillow.  Shiro.  Keith still had no idea what the thing between them was.  If someone had asked him before the Kerberos mission, he would have said that they were dating.  In the early stages of a relationship, yes, but in a relationship nevertheless.  

Now though?  He had no idea.  There were still lingering touches, hands brushing just a little too long to be coincidence, thighs pressed together beneath tables, but there were no soft kisses or late night whispered conversations.

After finding Shiro, and, well, the whole Voltron thing, Keith had wanted to give Shiro space and not push him into anything that he would be uncomfortable with, not that that mattered any more.

Keith doubted that Shiro would want anything to do with him now.  It was one thing to accept the Galra as tentative allies, it was entirely another to completely and fully trust one.  No, what they had had before was not coming back.

He would just have to cling to that last hug in the launching bay, where he had gone for a simple handshake, but Shiro had pulled him in for a tight hug.  Surely the other man would come to his senses soon, and Keith didn’t want to be waiting around just to loose Shiro again.  

The shaking had subsided, and Keith let himself drift in and out of consciousness.  At one point, he thought he heard hushed voices outside of his door, but he must have been imagining them.  

When he finally woke for good and checked the clock, it was past midnight.  His stomach growled, which Keith figured was an improvement from the nauseous, churning mess it had been easier.

Careful to make as little noise as possible, he slipped back down to the kitchen. There was only some of that wonderful Altean goop and a couple strange fruits, but beggars can’t be choosers, and Keith wasn’t exactly the best cook himself.

As he scooped some of the green goop into a bowl he heard a throat behind cleared behind him. He groaned internally as he saw who had joined him. Shiro. Great.

The older man pulled up a stool and sat down next to Keith, “Having trouble sleeping?”  

“Yeah”, Keith said shortly, putting the Altean food back in what passed for a fridge, “It’s been a long few days.”

Shiro caught his elbow as he went to sit back down. “Look Keith”, he began, “We’ve all been worried about you.”  

“Well you shouldn’t be”,  Keith twisted his arm out of Shiro’s grasp, “I’m fine.”

“Really?”, A touch of sarcasm clouded Shiro’s voice, “So sulking since we got back from the Blade of Malmora is fine ?  Avoiding everyone for the past few days is fine ?”  Keith refused to meet his gaze.  “Look Keith, we can’t, I can’t, do anything for you if I don’t know what’s going on.”

Keith rolled his eyes, “Oh don’t give me any of that bull shit, you know perfectly well what’s going on.”

“Do I?”,  Shiro raised an eyebrow, “Do tell.”

“Oh I don’t know, maybe this ”, Keith waved his hand at his still-human face, “Come on, I’m Galra.  You think I don't know how everyone feels about that?  They literally exterminated an entire species and did who knows what to you.  So I should just, what?  Expect everyone to ignore that?”

“Has anyone actually given you a hard time about it?”  

“Yes! It’s Galra this and Galra that and ‘oh my gosh you act just like a cat Keith!’”

“They’re trying to make you feel more comfortable!”  Shiro groaned.  “They’re trying to make jokes and let you know it’s okay and that they still care about you . ”

Keith opened his mouth to respond, but Shiro raised his prosthetic arm and continued, with a forced smile.  “Anyways, haven’t you noticed I’m Galra too?”

“But that’s different!  You’re still you, you’re still Shiro . ”

“And that’s exactly my point”, Shiro sounded exasperated, “You’re still the same person you were yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that.  Do you really think that finding out the origin of some parent you never even met is going to change that?”

The younger man seemed to deflate.  “I guess you’re right”, His voice was soft, “It’s hard though. I just can’t shake the feeling that everything is different now.  The thought that I'm different, that I'm one of them now, just keeps replaying in my head, over and over.”

“I know the feeling”, Shiro said and Keith looked up, surprise showing on his face, “When you first found me, and I started to get my memories back, I thought I was a monster.  The things I did… Anyways, I just kept waiting for you all to turn on me, but you never did.”  He let out a slight laugh.  “I think it helped that for the first month or so we never had a chance to take a break, and I never had time to dwell. But I still, um, worry, and freak out occasionally.  The self doubt is probably going to take some time to go away.  I know it’s not quite the same thing, but I’m okay now, and you will be too.  Just know that I’m here for you, no matter what, and I’m sure the others would say the same.”

“But Allura…”

“She’ll come around.  She doesn’t hate you, it’s just going to take some time to wrap her head around it.”  Shiro placed a hand on Keith’s shoulder.

Keith knew it would take time.  The Galra had destroyed the entire Altean civilization, he couldn’t just expect her to trust him again overnight. It didn’t make it hurt any less though.  “Can I hug you?”, Keith’s heart rate quickened.

Shiro didn’t answer, he simply wrapped both of his arms around Keith and pulled him close. Releasing the breath he didn’t even know he was holding, Keith pressed his face into Shiro’s neck and breathed in the familiar scent.  “I miss this”, He mumbled.  Here in Shiro’s arms, it felt like home again.

He made to pull back as he felt Shiro tense underneath him.  “Do you still want…”, Shiro’s voice was breathy.

“Want…?”, Keith asked hesitantly. This better not be going in the direction it felt like.  He should have just kept his mouth shut, he couldn’t handle rejection right now.

“Us.”  The word was spoken so softly Keith could barely hear it, but his heart soared. “With everything going on, I couldn’t find the right time to talk to you.  After the Blade of Malmara you said you only thought of me as a brother, and…”

Keith groaned and pressed his head back against Shiro’s shoulder, “I thought you had come to your senses and finally realized you were too good for me, I didn’t want to scare you off again.”

Shiro let out a small chuckle, “Well I guess we were both idiots then.”  He pressed a chaste kiss to Keith’s forehead, “Want to go back to bed? This isn’t particularly comfortable.”  The black Paladin gestured as best he could without tipping over to their precarious positioning on the stools.

“Mind if I come with you?”, Keith’s face flushed and he pulled back, “Just to sleep.  I don’t really want to be alone right now.”

“Of course!”, Shiro stood up, grabbing Keith’s hand in his, and giving it a reassuring squeeze.

Keith slid off the stool and followed Shiro out of the kitchen.  They didn't speak as they walked back to Shiro’s room, but it was a comfortable silence born of years of familiarity.  Shiro’s hand was a grounding presence.  They may be light years away from Earth in an alien castle, but at this moment Keith felt like he was finally home.

When they passed the threshold into the bedroom, Keith wrapped his arms around Shiro's neck and placed a kiss firmly on his mouth. Shiro relaxed into Keith, and they traded lazy kisses for a while before eventually falling into bed.

Keith ended up with his head pillowed on Shiro’s chest and Shiro’s fingers softly running through his hair.  

Keith slowly slipped back into unconsciousness, comforted by the feeling of being safe and loved.  He still doubted that he had the trust of his other teammates, he still wasn't quite okay, but he would be.