Chapter Text
Time stretched out as the group waited. The boys waited with thinly veiled impatience. At one point, Nolan heard Dustin suggest eavesdropping, but he was quickly outvoted by the rest of them. The longer they waited, the wilder their theories on Will got - although Nolan was pretty sure they were joking when Lucas suggested vampirism. Mike and Jane, she noticed, didn’t contribute to the conversation.
It was a little anticlimactic when the door finally opened, revealing Joyce’s slight frame. She beckoned the group into the house with a smile. “Come in, guys. Will has something he’d like to tell you,” she said. The kids rushed forward eagerly, but Nolan caught Steve’s hand when he turned to follow.
“What’s up?” he asked, eyebrows pulling together.
“I don’t think Will needs us. And…” Nolan licked her lips, heart thrumming, “I’d like to talk to you, if that’s okay.”
Steve looked bemused, but he smiled. “Sure.”
“But not here,” she said, looking towards the house. She didn’t want to be overheard.
This time when Steve smiled, his eyes lit up, and she couldn’t help but smile back. “I’ve got you. Let’s go,” he said, fishing out his car keys.
The drive was short and familiar, and the pair were soon pulling up at the abandoned junkyard. Steve took her hand, warm in contrast to the crisp air, and began to lead her through the sea of cars. He stopped at an old bus with scrap metal nailed across the windows, pulled open the doors. “This way,” he said, with an air of theatricality. It seemed a strange choice to Nolan, but there was a fondness in his eyes that made her think it must be significant to him in some way, so she followed wordlessly. Inside was a ladder, leading up to a sky light. She was a little hesitant - she had never climbed a ladder before - but she had to believe that Steve would catch her if she fell. That was why she was out here: she had to try trusting him.
She thought back to what she had said to Will. It was time to take her own advice.
On top of the bus, she could see far past the cars and across the treetops. She thought that if she tried, she could probably catch a glimpse of the labs from here. That’s not where she wanted to look though. Instead, she looked to Steve. He was levering himself out onto the roof. She thought to herself how confident he seemed in the action, how aware he was of his own body. It contrasted sharply with how Nolan carefully sat near the edge, hands reaching down as if the roof might disappear out from under her. Steve sat next to her, close enough that their pinky fingers brushed together.
She decided she would have to go right into it, or she would dance around the subject forever. She diligently looked out to the horizon, unwilling to see Steve’s reaction. “I was the first one. So they didn’t really… know what they were doing?” Nolan took a slow breath, looking away across the forest. “They didn’t know what abilities they could create, or even whether it was possible to create them at all. I don’t really know the science of it - they weren’t exactly explaining what they were doing - but it was bad. It was bad.”
Nolan’s breathing hitched, and for a moment it was like she was back there, but Steve put his hand over hers and pulled her back out. “You don’t have to do this,” murmured Steve.
Nolan shook her head. “I do,” she said, throat tight. “I don’t want to lie anymore.”
“Okay,” he said simply.
“Afterwards, they said that it was successful in… changing me. But they didn’t know how exactly. So they started trials, all different, to see what I could do, but I couldn’t do anything. They tried everything, asking me to do impossible things; move things without touching them, read minds, bend steel with my bare hands. At first they tried to persuade me with treats, ice cream, and toys. When that didn’t work,” she ran her sweaty palms over her new blue jeans, “They started withholding pillows, blankets, food.”
“Can I-” Steve started. Nolan noticed then how distressed he looked, the way his breath trembled a little with each exhale. “Is it okay if I…” He raised his arm, let it hover in the space between them.
“Oh! Yeah. Yes, of course,” she said, a little embarrassed by her own confusion. He settled his arm over her shoulders. It was heavy, but nice. Grounding. He pulled her into his side, and she folded herself into his space. He leaned his head on top of hers.
“After that didn't work either, things went quiet for a while. They left me in my room, fed me three times a day. But there was this one guy.” Nolan shivered, and Steve wordlessly squeezed her tighter. “He used to bring my dinner every night. I never liked him. Something about him was... And one evening, he came into my room, locked the door, and he tried to… to,” her words were interrupted by a rough sob escaping her throat.
“God, Nolan,” Steve whispered. “God. I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry.”
“I was so scared, so scared, and I was screaming, and then he started screaming. He fell down, spasming, and he wouldn't stop screaming. Like he was in agony.” The words were fast and wobbling with tears, but she knew that if she stopped talking, she might never be able to speak about this again. “I hurt him. And after that, they wanted me to do it again, to hurt people for them.”
“Nolan. Nolan, whatever they made you do-”
“But I didn't do it again. They tried everything, but I wouldn't let myself become what they made me. I wouldn't let them-”
She started sobbing in earnest, burying her face into Steve's neck. She could smell his skin, mixing with the saltiness of her tears, and feel his pulse thrumming against her cheek. “It’s okay, Nolan. It’s okay,” he mumbled. She felt his hand come up and brush through her hair softly. He let her cry for a while, and the pair rocked gently atop the bus. When she quieted, her weeping turning to whimpers, and then into silent tears, Steve leaned away. For a heart stopping moment, she was sure that he would leave her. And who could blame him? She had just divulged her most disgusting secret, revealing her true monstrous nature.
Instead, he took her face in his hands, tilted her chin up so that they were eye to eye. She was embarrassed at first, sure she must look a mess, but then she saw how tears had spilled from Steve’s dark eyes, staining his face. He looked wrecked. “I'm sorry,” croaked Nolan, not sure which part of this she was apologising for.
Steve swallowed, closed his eyes tightly for a second before he spoke. “Please don’t say that. Please.”
“But I am,” she said. She couldn’t stand how he was looking at her. “Don’t you see? I’m… I’m bad.”
“No, don’t-” Steve interrupted, but Nolan steamrollered over him.
“They gave me a chance to change, and what did I change into? Can’t you see how twisted that is?”
Steve shook his head, his stupid hair falling over his face. “What they did to you - what they made you do - you had no choice in any of that.”
Fresh tears escaped Nolan as hot shame swirled in her gut. “But this isn’t the same as with Jane. When they gave her power, she used it to be able to move things, the power to escape from herself. And me? I used it to- to hurt people ,” she hiccuped. “What does that say about me?”
“It says that you were afraid,” said Steve fiercely, “and they were hurting you.”
“No.” said Nolan, fear in her voice.
“It says that you were a victim,” he persevered.
“Shut up,” she said sharply, ducking out of his grip. “Just shut up! I’m not.”
“I’m so sorry. They hurt you.”
“Stop! Stop it!” gasped Nolan. “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”
This stopped Steve short. “What? Why the hell would I be afraid of you?”
Nolan gaped at him, chest heaving. “I could hurt you!”
He smiled sadly, bemusedly. “No, Nolan. I don’t think you could.”
And with that, the fight went out of her, shoulders hunching forward. Steve wrapped his arms around her tightly, and she let him. Her breathing finally approached normal.
“Even after everything, you wouldn’t hurt people for them. Don’t you see how strong that makes you?” said Steve, voice hushed.
She wanted to see his expression, but was unwilling to move away from him even an inch.
“Thank you,” Nolan whispered into his shoulder, reverent like a prayer. “Thank you.”
They sat for a while there, in the silence of the junkyard. Nolan felt clean and quiet, so different to vague disgust she usually feels after crying. The pair were wrapped tightly together, breathing in the crisp air in tandem. She couldn't quite believe it; she had bared her soul to him, and he had only drawn her tighter, held her with every inch of tenderness.
Maybe he was wrong, to accept her like this.
But then she thought back to Will, to his shamed tears, and Steve’s unwavering support of him.
Maybe Steve was wrong.
But Nolan didn’t think so.