Chapter Text
The lodge is filled with movement once more. It would almost remind Ryan of when it was filled with children during the camping season, with their smiles, laughter and small pattering feet. Except there is no joy in the air today, only a thick cloud of palpable anxiety.
They’re packing up to return home. Running around making sure they haven’t forgotten anything and that the lodge is in a put together enough state to be left desolate for another month. Ryan’s thankful that he packed all of his things last night, so that after another quick sweep, he’s been able to finally catch a moment to just sit and read while they buzz around him.
Usually Ryan gets lost in his books. Ever since he learned how, he’s had an insatiable appetite for reading, devouring word after word, page after page, book after book until he had to ask his school librarian to order in more. It’s not a confined thing, he’ll read anything anytime all the time, from fantasy to autobiographies to warning signs to the newspaper left out on the table. Though his favourite has remained the same since he was seven, in paranormal and supernatural horror, ever since he picked up a Goosebumps book and proceeded to finish the entire series in record time. He reads and reads until the world around him fades to a blur and background noise, the words painting a vivid image in his mind that he’s so wrapped up in. That’s how it’s been for twelve years of his life, but not today.
Today, his eyes keep flicking up from the pages each time someone walks past. He can’t get his mind to sink into the story or really even take in the words, the anxious scents completely throwing away any sense of concretention. He’s trying not to worry himself into pessimism or a bad mood. It’s just that after his big debate with himself last night, now he’s looking at the group with a new consideration and he can’t seem to stop looking.
They’re doing it today, the pretending. It’s like they’re going through a practice run this morning while they pack, before they get home and the real acting begins. They’d never admit that though, obviously. It’s one of the big parts of what the pretending is actually for- to protect the bubble of normalcy that may remain in their lives outside of the quarry from popping.
He realises it’s actually a rather bold act, now that he really focuses on it. They’re not fooling each other, clearly, as their scents just give them away immediately. Yet still they pretend, still everyone lies and they all just play along. People ask where their bags go, talk about the drive back and how long it will take, but no one dares mention their actual home, family or life past the end of the drive.
He can’t believe he’s only just realised just how little they’ve actually talked about their lives outside of camp and at home after watching them today. Even when camp was in session, before everything went to shit, they didn’t really talk about it. At first he thinks it was because camp was like a little world away from their own, where you could be free of anything in your real life and no one wanted to break that illusion. After that night however, it’s swapped around and now they protect their real lifes from the quarry instead. Talking of their past and life away from camp almost feels as if it will taint it, bring it into the nightmare that they can otherwise try to mentally constrain to the quarry. It’s surely a hopeless endeavour and from the mixed fog of emotions in the air, the others know it too, but still they try.
So they know the basics of who each other is. Through pure observation over two months and then a night of horror, he can safely say they know each other's personalities and behaviour pretty well. They know that Abi’s kindness is genuine, Kaitlyn’s bluntness doesn’t determine her level of care, Jacob is actually a very sensitive guy beneath the self-centred bravado and that Emma’s confidence is not a naturally occurring sense of ego. That’s who they are, but what Ryan thinks they’re missing, for lack of a better word, is context. What lives they have actually lived to have shaped them into this and what their ties to the world are outside of the camp. When it comes to that aspect, Ryan knows that Kaitlyn and Jacob grew up together, that Emma has her channel, Abi does art, Dylan has a cat but he doesn’t actually know much more than that.
It means Ryan doesn’t know what is waiting for everyone when they return home. He has no idea what environments they are all living in, it could be anywhere from supportive to worse than werewolves. He knows that only himself and Jacob are currently working, but as Kaitlyn mentioned her mom wants her to go to college. Are the others also planning on going through with more schooling, working or moving out? Are they still seeing their therapists or did they immediately give up on it like Ryan? He has no idea. The cloud of anxiety radiates off of all of them though, so whatever way it is, he thinks that returning home may actually be a bigger fear for them than perhaps it was leaving home to be forced back here.
It is also bigger than just that however. When they refuse to be open or honest about their pasts or place in the world, they’re missing out on a huge chunk of who everyone really is. If everyone is just a portrait of their experiences, the things they love and the people they’ve met, then they’re looking at brushstrokes without knowing whose hand painted it. Perhaps their smile the same as their mother’s, or their favourite sweater is the one that got complimented that one time in maths class, or their curled fists are the same as their fathers, or their whole philosophy about the world is just from a poem they once read or their belief in love rests within the lyrics of a song their parents played for them when they were young. They don’t know about any of that because everyone refuses to take the admittedly terrifying risk of being seen to actually show it.
It’s that protective bubble that keeps them doing this little act of normalcy, of pretending that everything is okay when it’s so clearly not. It hides who they really are, the million tiny moments papier-mâchéd into a person, in favour of a piece of paper taped to their faces with the words declaring they're okay across the otherwise empty page. If they want to accept that they’ve changed, they have to first accept what they’re changing from. If he ever wants to broach the topic of their futures, then he will have to first make an effort to understand their pasts and present, about their lives away from this little corner of the world. He needs to create the openness and honesty for them to be able to share those things, not necessarily to Ryan but with each other. Ryan knows he has to tear that piece of paper off and pop that bubble with a knife if need be, he’s just not quite sure how to get close enough to do so.
Once more, he knows what he has to do but he just doesn’t quite know how. Not that it really matters right now anyway. Today, he does not have to work out how to get a bunch of traumatised teenagers to open up and learn to accept who they are now, he just needs to get home. And as some of the movement around him slows down, he thinks they’re nearly getting ready to hop into Max’s car and Emma’s van. Still, he cannot stop looking.
He watches as Abi drops her bag at the front door and leans against the small counter top of the half wall that separates out that small reception space against the wall of the library. She drops her head into her hands and gives a sigh loud enough that Ryan can hear it halfway across the room. She stays like that as the minutes tick by and Ryan is just about to break through his role of observer to active participator in his friends lives today by standing and walking over to check on her, when he hears footsteps descending the stairs and Nick walks into view.
It’s Nick who walks over to her instead and he stops awkwardly beside her, shifting back and forth on each foot and clutching the strap of his bag with a vice-like grip. When Abi looks up, Ryan looks down, running his eyes over the lines of his novel. He doesn’t really take the words in however, as even as he tries not to eavesdrop, he can still hear their hushed conversation as if they were sitting on the couch beside him.
“Hey… are you packed up?” Nick broaches, sounding as awkward as his stance was.
Abi sniffs and Ryan can imagine that she either doesn’t raise her head from her hands or wipes her nose as she speaks, as her voice is slightly muffled. “Yes- well I think I am.”
“It’s- I’m sure you didn’t forget anything and I mean, well it’s okay if you did?” He hears Nick say in what is surely meant to be a comforting way but instead comes across like he isn’t sure of what he’s saying at all.
“Yeah, of course.” Abi admits defeatedly, her voice now clearer and even more morose than before.
“Well I just- I don’t know.” Nick says in a choppy, lost way. The light scent of a mild day in spring that Ryan has come to know as Nick’s, turns cold and thick. He hears the shuffled sound of clothes rustling and the thud of a bag hitting the ground underneath Nick’s words. “I’m gonna sit outside for a bit.” Just as he did that first day back, Nick suddenly sounds so small and that almost slight, easily missable shake has returned.
The revived sound of footsteps get further away and are accompanied by the creak of an opening door. Ryan lifts his head to see it close behind Nick, leaving Abi looking worriedly after him. She lifts her hands to cradle her upper arms, dropping her chin to her collarbones as she resumes her waiting.
The stairs groan underneath the weight of the pair that come down it only seconds later. Kaitlyn and Jacob are chattering aimlessly between themselves and though he’s only caught the tail end of the conversation, he thinks it may be about the price of cars. Ryan’s mind instantly tunes it out with the boredom that comes from that realisation.
Kaitlyn looks much more rested than yesterday and any sign of inconsolableness that she said Jacob was last night are seemingly gone from his demeanour. Ryan would say he looks chipper if not for the dark sooty scent that trails behind him. If Ryan watches him closely, he can see the way his eyebrows and the corner of his lips begin to dip until Kaitlyn snaps his attention back with a joke and a grin. They’re old friends, Kaitlyn must be able to read him like his thoughts are tattooed across his face.
At the sound of another person descending, Ryan is joined by Jacob in looking expectantly back. They both seem to be privately upset at who it is, though Ryan knows that’s for vastly different reasons. Even as Jacob’s face drops into an almost comical frown and the sooty scent begins to really billow off of him, Emma walks past as if he’s not even there. With a slight grunt of exertion, she drops one, two, three bags down into the quickly growing pile. She dusts her hands off in a slightly amusing way before placing them on her hips and turning to look at Ryan across the room.
“We ready to go now or what?” She asks, her voice needlessly raised to a call. Ryan would have heard her just as clearly if she’d muttered it under her breath.
Ryan looks up the stairs, straining his hearing and finding nothing. “Where’s Dylan?”
Emma shrugs. “Lost something, he’s turning the whole room upside down. Maybe someone go help him so we can actually go.”
Ryan stands immediately, walking towards the stairs in the very same time it takes for Kaitlyn to also walk forward. They pull to a stop right at the bottom of the stairs, eyeing each other for a few seconds.
“I’ll go help him find it.” Ryan says when she doesn’t speak and instead just looks at him with a flat expression.
“Uh no, it’s fine, I will.” She counters, her arms crossing. “You’re reading aren’t you? I was on my way up there already anyway.”
He gives her a scrunched up, incredulous look. “What? No you weren’t, you were talking with Jacob.” They both glance back and Jacob gives a kind of awkwardly small wave just in front of his shoulder, acknowledging that yes, he’s still here.
Kaitlyn rolls her eyes at him, looking back at Ryan with an even more unimpressed expression than before. “No I wasn’t, I was already going upstairs.”
“You’re lying to my face right now!” Ryan argues, his hands splaying out in a frustratedly confused gesture.
“No I’m not!” Kaitlyn lies again. She knows she’s doing it too, half a smirk twitching at her lips as she tries to keep her face serious. “Why’s it such a big deal anyway Ryan, huh? It’s not like you like him or anything right, so why do you want to help him so badly when I’m already going up there?”
Kaitlyn’s a dick and she knows that too. She’s not being purposefully mean, her tone remaining playful in a mock serious way, but still, she’s being mean . She’s backed him into a corner and once glance at Jacob and Emma’s raised brows confirms that. Ryan has felt safe in his interactions with Kaitlyn since returning to the quarry, but he should have known the kindness and maturity wouldn't last. He spent two whole months with her, he shouldn’t have lulled himself into a false sense of security where he’d be free from her good natured yet undoubtedly patent jabs that border on being straight up bullying. As unconvincingly accepting she’d been when he told her he wasn’t interested in Dylan, he’d been naive to think she wouldn’t throw it back in his face later on.
Since there’s literally no way for Ryan to respond to that, he's resigned to an indignant splutter. “I- I don’t , it’s just- you know, I was just-“
“There’s no winning an argument with her bro, she’s cheap.” Jacob offers from where he stands back among the bags, in what Ryan assumes is meant to be an encouraging way. Thanks Jacob, real helpful, Ryan internally sighs to himself.
There is one type of argument he could win against her, he thinks, feeling an odd mixture of pride and guilt at the thought. But strangely enough he doesn’t feel the urge to posture at her at all over this. Maybe it’s because he knows she’s not actually arguing with him, she’s just having him on because she can. He could walk up those stairs the next second and could even demand that she stay downstairs, and though he’s sure that would cause a standoff, this now is just banter. Banter he doesn’t particularly enjoy being at the end of, but it isn’t a challenge.
Though, Ryan is not above stooping to someone’s level if need be. Fuck it, he’s going to stoop even lower.
“You know what, you’re right, I was reading. So Kaitlyn, would you go upstairs and help Dylan find what he needs for me?” He asks in a tone that makes it far more of an order than any real question.
He can’t help the grin that grows as her triumphant expression is slowly replaced by annoyance. He’s backed her into a corner just as she did to him, as she realises that now if she goes upstairs to help Dylan, she’ll just be doing what Ryan told her to do. Is it a dirty tactic that could cause a standoff? Yes. Was it totally worth it anyway? Also yes.
Kaitlyn visibly weighs up her choices. Go upstairs and be doing what Ryan just told her to do. Have Ryan go upstairs and he wins whatever this little argument is. Or, have a stand-off and work it out that way, but no one wants that to happen. After a moment she sighs and throws up her arms. “Great, as I said, I was going upstairs anyway.”
She throws Ryan a very childish, petulant look over her shoulder as she begins walking upstairs, with a scrunched nose and little head shake. He has to remind himself that he’s nineteen as to not stick his tongue out at her in an equally childish manner.
He hears the front door open and turns to see Jacob step outside, the sliver of Nick that he sees through the gap showing him sitting down on the top step. Emma hops up to sit beside Abi, pulling out her phone to do whatever it is she can without any signal. Ryan reluctantly sits back down on the couch and looks vacantly at his book, not even pretending to be able to focus on reading anymore.
He did actually want to go upstairs for a reason. They’re parting ways again, he won’t see any of them for an entire month, so he wanted to say a proper goodbye to Dylan before they set off. They’ll be in the van together of course, he just wanted a moment alone to say goodbye. Yeah, so it’s actually probably for the best that he didn’t then, he tells himself with an internally scolding tone.
Ryan sighs. He grabs the strap of his bag and drags it over between his feet, unzipping the top and shoving the novel inside. He stands up and throws it over his shoulder, clutching the smaller bag in his hand. He may as well go put them in the van, there’s no point in sitting around doing nothing.
He carefully walks through the foyer filled with everyone’s bags and pushes the door open slowly, mindful that there may be people sitting right on the other side. Nick and Jacob look up at him as he steps up behind them where they sit on the top step.
“Alright?” He asks.
“Yeah, yeah.” Jacob says back in a light tone. He’s a liar, just as Nick is also with the nod of his head.
Ryan doesn’t call them on it, saying instead, “Think we might be setting off soon. You guys seen where Laura and Max went?”
Jacob points straight down the steps and Ryan follows his direction to where the couple is standing outside their car. Right, he would have seen them himself if he’d just looked up a little, but he didn’t expect them to be out here. He hadn’t noticed them walk past earlier.
Ryan steps between Nick and Jacob and makes his way down the stairs. He dumps his bags in the back of the van, before deciding better and opening the sliding door up to put them in the footwell of his seat. He’s the first stop on this trip and he doesn’t want to have to dig his bags out from beneath an entire pile of Emma’s.
Instead of returning inside, Ryan steers towards where Laura and Max talk at the hood of the car. He doesn’t think it’s a private or important conversation with the way Max is leaning against the hood of the car and staring at Laura with a little bit of a lost expression. Laura still has that exercise book tucked under her arm and now that Ryan thinks about it, he hasn’t seen her without it since yesterday.
“Hey Ryan.” She says when she spots him walking up. “You guys nearly ready to set off? We’re just waiting on Kaitlyn I think.”
“Yeah, she’s helping Dylan find something, she won’t be long I don’t think. So once she’s free I think we’ll be off too.”
“Thank god.” Max groans, rubbing a hand over his face. “I miss my bed.”
Laura elbows his ribs lightly. “At least we had a bed here, Max.”
He gives her a kicked puppy expression and clutches his side like she’d stabbed him. “It’s a shit bed though.” He mutters under his breath, side eyeing her in a way that suggests he’s looking for sympathy.
Surprisingly, Laura actually gives it. She laces her spare hand with his and lifts it upwards to give their knuckles a peck. When she drops their hands they stay connected, swinging slightly at their sides. She adjusts the book under her arm and then she looks back to Ryan suddenly as if she just remembered something.
“You’re alright with me taking this right?” She asks, nodding down to the book.
“Uh yeah, of course. You’ve been writing in it a lot, you going to go away and look at all the notes you’ve got?”
“Yeah, do some googling, see what I can find and connect between what I’ve written down.” She says.
“Googling werewolves? No offence but if you try and tell us we’re going to fall in love with vampire babies then we might block you.” He jokes, privately admitting to himself that he’s actually being a little bit serious.
Both Laura and Max actually laugh, which he didn’t expect. Max lips pull down in that odd way to give an impressed smile. “Ryan’s watched twilight, alright. Can’t say I would have assumed that.”
“A man of taste.” Laura adds before actually answering. “But no, I don’t think I’m actually going to google werewolves because yeah, you’re right I’d probably get weird shit like that.”
“What are you going to look up then?” He asks, stepping a little bit closer as Nick and Jacob walk past to get to the boot of the car.
“Wolves actually, or just dogs. I have a hunch or two that I want to research, so these notes are going to be helpful. If anyone has anything they want to add I’m more than happy to jot it down for them.” She explains.
He nods, his mind drifting to his own book that he should be going through to get as much information as possible from. Really, he should give it to Laura, as she seems the most invested in actually working out what’s going on with whatever this is. But he can’t. Travis gave it to him specifically, despite for as cruel a reason as it may be, he can’t just pawn it off to someone else.
“Well I’ll be looking forward to hearing what you find.” Ryan says and Laura actually gives him a genuine, grateful smile.
“Glad to hear that. I don’t think the others really want to talk about it.” She says and gives a slight glance to Max beside her, who is suddenly very interested in his shoes.
“Yeah.” Ryan sighs. “We’re going to have to open up about this stuff. You find out what you can though. I’ll work on making people ready to listen.”
“It’s a game plan.” She confirms. Her eyes catch on something behind him and Ryan turns to look at the lodge.
Kaitlyn and Dylan are at the top of the stairs, bags in hand. Emma is already in the van, still tapping away on her phone. Abi is saying her goodbyes to Nick and Jacob. Everyone is out of the lodge, ready to go.
“Just like that, huh?” He observes, with a slight flatness to his tone that he cannot hide.
“Yeah, just like that. Honestly I’m surprised people aren’t more like, jumping to leave. It’s nearly lunchtime, I thought everyone would be ready to get out of here by dawn or something.” Laura says, watching the others make their way towards the two vehicles.
“I would be jumping for joy to get out of this place, but the fact I’m going to be back here in four weeks kinda kills any purpose of that.” Max admits, a tilt to his tone like he isn’t sure whether he wants to laugh or cry.
Ryan turns back to look at them, flicking his eyes over their faces for a moment. “You know, I didn’t ask how the night went for you two. I was kind of an arsehole in the morning, sorry.” He says, scratching the back of his neck in a gesture he knows is a habit he does when he feels awkward or tense.
“Oh. It was, well.” Laura glances up at Max and he gives her a mixed expression back. “It was very painful to turn. Then we woke up this morning and our legs ached a little bit. But I suppose it could have been worse.”
“You both turned at the same time?” He asks curiously. He doesn’t ask if they remembered it, with Laura’s phrasing it’s clear that they didn’t. He doesn’t mention that he did either, though he isn’t sure why he’s omitting that.
“Yes? Did you guys not?” Laura asks intensely, her eyes flashing with interest and her hand dropping Max’s to pull the book out in front of her.
“No, we didn’t.” He says before she makes an expectant motion for him to continue. “We seemed to turn in groups. First it was uh, me. Then I think Kaitlyn and someone else? Then Emma and it had to be either Nick or Jacob. Dylan and Abi changed last.”
“Why did no one tell me that! Oooh that’s so interesting.” Laura mutters under her breath, immediately scribbling what he said down in the book.
Max however, after a glance down at Laura’s writing, looks up at Ryan with furrowed brows and a small frown. “That must have been fucking horrific, are they okay? Did anyone get hurt?”
“No one got hurt, but yeah, it must’ve been really terrifying.” Ryan says, the guilt heavy in his words.
“You split up yourself, Kaitlyn and Jacob right?” Laura asks without looking up. At Ryan’s confirmation, she hums. “If you ask one of the others, I bet you it was Jacob who changed at the same time as Kaitlyn and-“
She cuts herself off, looking up from her notes to look at Ryan with narrowed brows. “You turned first, like all on your own? How’d you know that the others changed at different times?”
He doesn’t know why, but Ryan really considers lying for a moment. To tell her that Dylan told him, which would be partly true. But he doesn’t. “I uh, I remember it. When I turned. My thinking was all different and fucked up at the time, but now I can remember it as clear as any other memory.” He admits truthfully, feeling himself brace for their reactions.
“What the fuck? I thought that wasn’t possible?” Max says in surprise, looking at Laura like she’ll know all the answers.
She clearly doesn’t, as after a short expression of shock, a contemplative look grows across her face and she considers Ryan for a moment. “You turned first and you remember it.” She repeats back to him slowly. He nods.
She nods back at him and for a moment they just stand there awkwardly nodding while Max looks between them in confusion. Eventually Laura gives a sharper nod, snapping the book shut and tucking the pen back into her pocket. “We’re talking about that, okay?” She says, in what is definitely more a demand than a question.
Maybe this is why he felt like lying. Still, he told the truth and now he has to follow through. “Okay. Wait, you mean now or?”
Laura sighs, rolls her eyes and shakes her head, all at once. Ryan gets the message loud and clear. Still, since it’s Laura, she has to verbally point out what a stupid question that was too. “Emma is two seconds away from slamming her hand on the horn, so no Ryan, not now.”
Ryan glances over at the van and sure enough, they’re all inside waiting for him. He looks back to Laura and Max and gives them a sheepish smile. “Right, well I think they’re ready to go. I’ll uh, talk to you guys soon.”
“Yeah, see you next month.” Max says glumly, barely looking at Ryan as he crosses his arms over his chest. Ryan doesn’t take any offence.
“I’ll message you. See ya, Ryan.” Laura says, giving him a smile before she walks around the side of the car.
Ryan raps his knuckles against the window as he walks away from the car, waving goodbye to Nick and Jacob within. He pulls up beside Kaitlyn at the open sliding door of the van and she looks up at him with a click of her tongue.
“Guess it’s time to go then?” She asks and with Ryan’s nod, she leans in as far as she can into the van and wacks Dylan’s arm with the back of her hand before looking to the front seats. “Bye Dyl, bye Emma and Abi. Have a good drive.”
She steps back and elbows his arm, offering him a small smile that he returns. Then her eyes slightly narrow and she gives a slight tilt of her head forward in what can’t quite be considered a nod. She doesn’t say anything but Ryan’s sure she’s reminding him to think about what she said. She doesn’t know that he already has and has realised she’s right, but he can’t exactly tell her that right now. He claps a hand over her shoulder instead, gives a purposeful nod back, and climbs into the van. The door rolls shut behind him and by the time he looks back she’s already walking away. He watches her pull open the car door and disappear inside after one last wave.
“Hope no one’s forgotten anything!” Emma chimes from the driver's seat, drawing all of their attention. “Actually, it doesn’t matter if you have since we’ll be right back to this shithole in four weeks.”
For dramatic effect the keys are twisted and the engine hums to life immediately after she’s finished saying the last word in her mockingly cheerful exclamation. From where Ryan sits it drowns out Abi’s reply and he then purposefully tunes out the conversation that begins between them. Now he’s not calling Emma a bad driver, but the way they suddenly lurch backwards has Ryan fumbling slightly frantically for his seatbelt. They’re driving down the driveway in record time, with the urgency that they could have really used that August evening. The van leaves a trail in the small stones that make the driveway and Ryan glances through the back window to see the car’s lights flash as it turns on, slowly backing out to follow them.
Ryan’s not sure what he expected but barely saying goodbye and then tearing down the driveway to get onto the road definitely wasn’t it. Maybe he thought that after what he assumed was procrastination all morning, they’d stand around and talk for a little bit as a group. Though, he supposes that was unlikely to happen anyway.
Still Ryan’s surprised there weren't more in depth goodbyes, even if they will be back here in a month anyway. He’s doubly glad that he’s riding with Dylan now, as he does still want his chance to say bye that he missed out on upstairs.
“Did you find what you lost?” Ryan asks, suddenly remembering why he didn’t go upstairs in the first place.
He glances to where Dylan sits beside him as he speaks, watching the way his brows quirk to show he’s listening to what Ryan’s saying. He’s slightly bent over, his elbows on his knees as his eyes are glued to his phone in his hand, the nails on his right hand being absolutely torn to shreds as he picks out songs. Ryan’s not sure if the abuse to his nails is from anxiety to return home or out of concentration to find the perfect music.
His thumb taps down on the bottom of the screen and the van is suddenly filled with the building melody of a song Ryan hasn’t heard before. Emma immediately twists the dial to turn it down and Dylan scrunches his nose in annoyance as he turns to look at Ryan. “What?”
“You lost something upstairs? Did you find it?” Ryan repeats patientally.
“Oh, right, yeah I did. Well, Kaitlyn did. It wasn’t anything important, just my watch.” Dylan explains now that he’s actually taken in the words. The light reflects off the black screen on his wrist, casting shards of light over the roof.
“Where was it?” He asks, nodding down at it.
“Under the couch. Nick’s couch. I have no idea how it got there.” He admits, glancing between Ryan and his phone as he speaks.
Ryan just nods and leans back against the window in the same way as he’d done on the way to the quarry. “Find us some good songs to nap to.”
“Aye aye.” Dylan chirps, doing a little salute with two fingers before they’re returned to be gnawed on by his teeth.
He’s not actually going to nap, despite what he said. Ryan’s never been able to sleep during the day, even before the insomnia set in after returning home from the quarry. He just knows Dylan needs the distraction, whatever the reason why, so he’s okay with letting their conversation drop. At the front the girls also fall into silence, everyone letting their attention wander.
The song fades out to be immediately replaced by a softer tune, a man singing with an almost slightly sad tone. Emma turns it back up now that she isn’t having to speak over it. It’s another one that Ryan hasn’t heard before but just as he finds with most songs he’s heard Dylan play, it immediately leaves a good impression, even as it only just begins.
Dylan clearly cares about music. When most people say they ‘listen to everything’, they really don’t mean it literally, but Dylan does. Ryan has admittedly done some shoulder-surfing, stealing a good few looks at the playlists on his phone, in varying degrees of subtlety. It really does span across genres that he didn’t even know existed. Dylan doesn’t just pick out the most popular songs, the most obscure songs or songs from the most well known artists, he really does pick out the best songs, as niche as they may be. Ryan doesn’t know how he does it, he himself just replays the only three playlists that he’s ever made over his life, cycling through them again and again.
As they move off of Hackett property and onto the public roads, the world outside the windows of the van blur into a green and blue smear. The sun peeks out from behind a sparse layer of clouds, heating up the glass and magnifying the light to spread warmth up Ryan’s arm.
Inside the van, it is steadily filling with that heady sweet scent and it is quickly making Ryan’s head spin. It’s like they’re hotboxing the van with it and Ryan feels like he’s getting just as high. For the first time in a few days, it is free from any bitterness or too sweetness like rotten fruit. Despite his assumptions earlier, Dylan must be the most calm he has been at least since the full moon. It’s enough to more than overpower the tang of anxiety in both Emma and Abi’s scent.
He relaxes down in his seat, his brain foggy with a stolen peacefulness and his eyes watching the clouds roll by. His mind hasn’t felt so serenely empty in far too long, momentarily free of any worries or concerns. Though it is such a simple thing, just sitting in the van with sweetness in his mouth and lungs, music in his ears and silent company at his side brings him an unexpected sense of calm and he doesn’t want it to end.
However, like all good things must, it does end faster than he’d thought it would. The drive home, being far more familiar and to a much more desired location, feels much shorter than it did on the way there. Eventually the thick blur of forestry makes way for the odd building, scattered around and growing closer and closer together until they collect up enough that they have reached the outskirts of his small hometown.
Without needing directions Emma makes her way through the streets until his little flat comes into view. She pulls to a stop behind his own car, letting the engine drop to a gentle hum as she slings an arm behind Abi’s seat and looks to them in the back. “Home sweet home.”
He hums, looking at his dim, cold and tiny new home. Sweet is not really an apt adjective for it, but he feels relieved to be home anyway. “Thanks for the ride Emma. I guess I’ll see you next month.”
“No guessing about it, you will.” Emma sighs. “So, see you next month.”
“Bye Ryan.” Abi also says, her tone an odd mix of soft and flat. She gives a little wave but neither of them makes any move to get out. He thinks that the knowledge they’ll be returning is burning them out from giving any sort of genuine, final goodbye.
He reaches down and grabs his bags, his other hand unclicking his seat belt and curling around the door handle. He glances at Dylan beside him and a small shot of coldness runs through his stomach. He doesn’t want to say goodbye. He can barely force his lips to twitch into a smile and his words sound a little empty when he says, “See you, dude.”
Dylan clicks his own seat belt and tilts forward in his seat. “Yeah well, you know I’ll come help you with your door, since your hands are full.”
Ryan steps out of the car, looking down at his two bags that he carries in one hand. He grabs the smaller bag with his spare hand, with a poorly concealed smile. “Oh, thanks man.”
They walk around the side of the building, up the stairs and to Ryan’s door in silence. He can hear Dylan’s shoes scuffing on the concrete behind him and the slight ruffle of fabric from what he assumes is busy hands. He stops at his door, the paint chipping off the wood onto the metal grate of the rusting stairs. Though his hands hadn’t been full when Dylan first offered to help him, after purposefully adjusting them so they would be, he now has to drop the bags down beside his feet to fish his keys out. Dylan makes no move to help him so the offer was clearly just an excuse. Ryan doesn’t mind, as useless as Dylan accompanying him to his door is, he appreciates the last few moments with him.
When he straightens with keys in hand, he looks at Dylan and is given an awkward, tight lipped smile. Then Dylan gives something that’s partway between a laugh and a sigh, his voice almost breathy as he says, “I’m sorry, this was pointless, I don’t even really have anything to say. I just wanted to say bye.”
Ryan gives the same half laugh back. “It’s alright dude. I appreciated the moral support for the two second walk, it really made the whole thing easier.”
Dylan’s smile grows into a genuine grin and he scuffs the sole of his shoe against the metal, glancing down at it when he says, “Oh well, you know, happy to help then.”
He goes quiet and Ryan thinks now he’s supposed to say goodbye, but Dylan’s words remind him of the thoughts he had last night. Ryan lowers his hands with the keys from where he’d been reaching for the lock and turns back around so he’s facing Dylan completely.
“Hey dude, you know…” He starts before giving himself a couple of beats to think of what he actually wants to say, Dylan thankfully waits patiently. “You know you’re not alone in this right? Like, when you- I mean, if you have a nightmare, you can call me.”
Though he wasn’t intending to, he thinks he’s caught Dylan off guard with his albeit clunky, soft words. It’s a good look on him, the ever so slightly wide eyes and dipped brows. Despite the touched look, Dylan shakes his head. “Thanks man, but I wouldn’t want to bother you or anything.”
“It wouldn’t be a bother, I’ll probably be up anyway.” Ryan insists.
Dylan thinks about it for a moment before he tilts his head and nods towards Ryan with his own insistent, expectant look. “Okay, well the same goes for you. If you ever need to talk about anything and no matter how late it is, just call me.”
With it flipped onto him, Ryan holds up a hand and shakes his head with a slight laugh at himself. “I’m up pretty late, I wouldn’t want to wake you.” He tries to explain, aware of how hypocritical he is being.
“Trust me, I’d much rather wake up to your voice than to a nightmare.” Dylan says with a playful seriousness. It takes about ten seconds for his own words to sink in and he gives an embarrassed little sniff at the phrasing of what he said.
Ryan gives a halfhearted smile and a nod, unable to bring himself to joke back. That tone Dylan just used, that flirty mischievous tone, immediately brought Ryan back to camp. Then his embarrassment and regret of using it slammed him right back into the present. The shitty, distant present where he has to say goodbye.
“You call me, I’ll call you. Deal?” Ryan says, holding out a hand. Dylan glances down at it, wiping his own hand against his top and reaching out to grasp it. They shake hands with a tight grip that even after they’ve fallen still in the air perhaps last a good few moments too long. “I’ll see you next month, Dyl.”
Dylan swallows audibly and gives Ryan’s hand one last squeeze. He offers him a weak smile, before turning and stepping down onto the top step. He doesn’t look back, even as he says “See ya, Ryan.”
It takes Ryan minutes to actually turn back and get the key into the lock. He stands there, waiting to hear Dylan’s dragging footsteps disappear, for the slam of the van door, for the hum of the engine and the crunching of the tires to all fade away. Until he is completely and utterly alone once more.