Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Buck couldn't help but chuckle to himself as he played with his new house key, which hung from a Navy Seal keyring that Steve had given him. He couldn't believe he held his new house key in his hand. He had bought his dream house in Hawaii. He was going to live only fifteen minutes away from his older brother, and they had agreed to meet for dinner at least twice a week to catch up. Something he was looking forward to, and he had already begun to plan what he would cook for him to say thank you.

He understood that buying a house would not solve all his problems, and based on his recent chat with Doctor Copeland, he knew he still had a long way to go before he was completely healed. But there was a comment Doctor Copeland made to him when he told her about Caleb's reappearance, which was why he couldn't ask him the questions he had outlined for her.

His response was that he didn't want to hurt Caleb's feelings by bringing up the past and that when he reflected on their interaction, he saw a hint of anxiety when Caleb stopped himself from telling him why he had left in that moment. Doctor Copeland had warned him that he was once again putting someone else's feelings ahead of his own and that in order to find the answers he sought, he needed to stop doing so. She did admit that rushing into a meeting with his ex was not the best idea, but the decision had to be his alone. She couldn't tell him what to do, but he'd know when the optimum time for the meeting was.

Looking around his hallway, which had already begun to be decorated with Hawaiian canvases and artwork he had discovered at an antique shop he knew that he had found a home. His home. A place he could call his own without worrying about anyone breaking in and disturbing his peace. It was absolutely his, and he had promised himself that he would not allow anyone to take it away.

When Pele called to tell him that the house's owners had accepted his offer, he could have yelled with excitement. He couldn't believe he was able to buy a house so quickly. The deal itself was completed fast, lasting only three days, which must have been a record for Pele. His lawyer had handled everything for him, and when Buck questioned how he had done it so quickly on one of their calls, he smiled and said that he had attended law school with the seller's lawyer and were old roommates, so they knew each other very well. As a result, they were able to finish the paperwork in only one day, with only their signatures required to complete the transaction.

When Buck had to sign the deed to the house at Pele's office, he finally met the former owner. A charming couple in their seventies who appeared to be deeply in love with one another. The husband worked as an investment banker, while his wife was a literature professor, and they had retired to Hawaii. However, life dealt them a hard blow when she was diagnosed with a rare type of cancer that was resistant to treatment. They explained to him that because they didn't know how long she had left, they chose to relocate to Chicago to be closer to their son and grandson to make as many memories as possible before her time ran out. Buck could see the sorrow written on their faces as they explained.

They added that they had fallen in love with the property and did not want to see someone come in and acquire it only to discard it for a hotel. Buck had sworn them he would never do that since he, too, had fallen in love with the location. He had asked, as he often did if there was anything he could do to help them with their move or anything else. The husband smiled warmly at him, thanked him, and then stated that he had already done so much for them by merely purchasing their property.

With the money he was paying, they were going to able to find a home close to their son's and establish a substantial college fund for their grandson to use when he grew up. The wife had offered him a feeble hug, and when he hugged her back, he could feel how much weight she had already lost due to the awful condition. She whispered in his ear that all she asked was that he watched over her greenhouses and keep the house safe. Buck had felt tears well up in his eyes for that one.

However, as they left after signing the final paperwork, Buck called his lawyer and requested him to ensure that an anonymous donation was made to the cancer treatment centre in both Hawaii and Chicago in her name. He knew he couldn't offer her any more time on earth, but he could ensure that her name was remembered.

Buck noted that the home was buzzing with activity as he entered the living room. His enormous white U-shaped couch had arrived and was being assembled. He had chosen material over leather, with soothing green and brown throw cushions. Due to its huge dimensions, the couch had to be delivered in three sections. He wanted a large couch so that he could host a large gathering or spread out completely to relax.

Moving boxes cluttered the floor, and music played gently in the background; he had gone a little crazy by ordering everything he wanted for the house and having it all delivered on the same day.  Steve had also given the entire 5-0 the day off, stating that unless something unexpected occurred, they would be there to help him with moving in. Steve and Danny were returning to Steve's house to retrieve the remainder of his belongings for the third time. Buck couldn't believe how much he'd accumulated in such a short time living with Steve. He had travelled to Hawaii with a rucksack and two bags. It was taking them many trips to bring everything over now.

Buck picked up one of the large boxes next to the still-empty fish tank, tagged kitchen in Danny's precise handwriting. Danny had packed many of the boxes from Steve's house because he didn't trust Steve to pack them safely. Danny did have a point, and Buck had nearly wet himself laughing as Steve attempted to defend himself, only to knock over one of his own glasses, which broke on the floor.

As he strolled through the kitchen with the box, he couldn't believe what he was doing. That he owned his own home. If he was honest with himself, he had accomplished a number of things he had never imagined possible. He never imagined he'd leave Los Angeles to live with his brother, let go of a career he'd worked so hard for, buy a home fit for a rockstar, and start painting again. He smiled as he began to unpack the box containing his new ceramic bowls and place them in the cupboard. He couldn't believe he was doing this; he'd moved before, but not like this. This home was a dream come true. 

When his phone vibrated in his jeans pocket, he couldn't help but laugh a little. He knew that it was probably from Danny grumbling about how many canvases he had or about Steve's driving. Based on what Mr Sanderford has said about the debut of his newest collection's tour, his status has risen dramatically. They were raising millions for their chosen charity, and all but two of the artworks had already sold. The art show had been a success, and it was on track to be one of his greatest ever.

Thinking about his work, he felt bad for Steve and Danny because he had only just ordered another load of canvases, as he had already begun work on his next collection. He hadn't been able to sleep after signing the deed to his new home, so he resumed painting his next work. His new collection, 'Starting Fresh,' would include twenty new pieces, although he wasn't sure he would keep to that number.

His first canvas was originally titled 'New Home' since it represented everything he saw when he thought of Hawaii. It was a medium square canvas that he would display in a diamond form with a variety of beautiful greens, blues, and gold. It wasn't finished yet, and he still had a lot to do on it, including the addition of sand from his beach. He intended to incorporate as much of his new home into the piece as physically possible. He had already collected leaves from Steve's beach and left faint prints of Hawaiian leaves on it in a light green shade of paint.

Buck looked up after hearing the laughter from the living room. He smiled when he saw two of Chin's cousins, one of whom owned his own electrical company, working on wiring his new television, game consoles, and surround sound system. He'd also brought an LED lighting kit to mount on the back of his television to make watching any show more enjoyable. Chin's cousin had come with a team of five guys to help him. One of the guys was currently working on ensuring that his internet connection could reach every room in the home, and if not, he was installing boosters in those areas. The other two were currently working on installing his office equipment. During his manic shopping spree, he also purchased three monitors for his office, one large monitor for a gaming system that he had brought and two for his counselling sessions with Doctor Copeland and any other work he needed to complete.

Buck stood in his kitchen, watching as his gaming consoles were plugged in and placed on secret shelves constructed into the entertainment wall. He had gone a little crazy by bringing both an Xbox and a PlayStation, but he didn't care. He played on both. He did, however, ensure that both were connected to the internet so that he could play with Chris online if he wanted to. He had also chosen a variety of games and brought two additional controllers so Steve could play alongside him. He truly missed his and Steve's gaming nights and hoped that now that they were living so close together, they might start them again. Perhaps they might invite the rest of 5-0 and Grace to enjoy each other's company.

Many of the kitchen appliances and equipment had already been put away. Almost every cupboard now contained what it needs. New pots and pans, plates and bowls, cutlery, cups and mugs—just enough to get him started. He'd also brought a kettle, microwave, toaster, and blender. Because he didn't want any colour conflicts and wanted to preserve the calm contemporary tone, he used either a wooden texture or copper. But he had picked up a few soft green items, including a soap dispenser, dishcloths, and mugs.

Kono had told him not to buy a kitchen knife set or chopping boards for some reason; he had asked Steve about it, but his brother had simply dismissed him, saying that she could have some leftovers from her previous move for him to use for the time being. However, when Chin and Kono arrive to help him, he discovers the true reason. Kono had gone and brought him an elegant chef's knife set handcrafted by one of her uncles. The set was stunning. They were crafted from Damascus steel with a stunning wavy pattern that glistened in the light. The handles were fashioned of Kou wood and polished to reveal the wood's grain. She had also brought him three sets of chopping boards in various sizes made of Kou wood.

And Kono wasn't the only one who brought him gifts.

Chin had gotten him a Hawaiian Maui Hook to display by his front door as a symbol of power and success. Buck believed Chin had absorbed a lot of what he had to say during their trip and comprehended the hidden message. He was reminding him that it was okay to be strong, and he would remind him that he could begin a new path whenever he felt ready. Along with the Maui Hook, Chin handed him a bottle and told him in private that it was his uncle's moonshine, the greatest on the island, and that he shouldn't drink too much of it at once or he'd get into trouble.

Buck laughed at the comment but thanked him. He had previously tasted good moonshine and told Chin on their ride, which explains the present. He had placed the bottle in one of the top cupboards where he had begun to store his whisky, knowing that he needed to keep it out of direct sunlight. He would find a better spot for it once the rest of the house was in order, but for the time being, he knew it would be safe.

Buck began breaking down the box after he had finished emptying it. Today was going to be a hectic day for everyone. He had a lot of deliveries and businesses arriving to get quotations or do some maintenance on the house. He had hired pool maintenance, and Kono's cousin had gladly agreed to come and work on his pool because he had extensive experience with saltwater pools. Unfortunately, some of the other companies did not have his level of experience, and he wanted it done right. He had a team of three coming out to conduct a thorough inspection of his pool's plant room before deep cleaning the pool to ensure that all of the jets and pumps were clear and safe to use.

He also had a consultation with a security firm that Steve had paid for and organised behind his back. While they were looking around the property, Buck observed that some of the cameras that surrounded his new home were a little old and in need of an upgrade. Pele had given him a list of security companies that she recommended for his update, and he had planned to contact several of them for an estimate.

But he never had a chance; when Steve and Danny had dropped off the second load of his belongings from Steve's house, he went to find him. Buck was talking to Chin's cousin about the list of things he needed done when Steve approached him with that foolish grin on his face that he usually used when he knew he'd done something that would get him into trouble. Steve had told him that he and Danny were going to retrieve the next load of his belongings and go grocery shopping for him so that he would have some necessities in the house until he could go grocery shopping himself.

Buck had to pick his jaw up off the floor when Steve told him that he had not only arranged for Nick, a US Army sharpshooter with whom they had previously worked, to come and review his security and that he had paid for it already. Nick's security company had been at the top of Pele's list, and he had planned to contact Nick later in the week. But Steve obviously didn't want to wait. He had tried to argue with Steve or let him pay for the upgrades himself, but Steve would not allow it. Instead, he had announced to him that he would be examining Nick's work later, once it was completed, and that this was his housewarming gift to him.

Buck walked back to retrieve another box from the hallway when he heard the unmistakable sound of laughter upstairs. Buck couldn't help but chuckle as he retrieved another box labelled utility room from the hallway and returned to the kitchen. He recognised who it was; Kono and Chin had promised to tackle assembling the spare rooms' furnishings after it had been delivered. And it had been a lot. He apologised for all the labour they had to do, but they brushed him off. They told him they were pleased to help, but Kono chuckled and promised that if he gave them all dinner, they'd be even.

Thankfully, all the furniture had arrived flat-packed, with only a few items that couldn't be disassembled. But that didn't make them any less hefty as they unloaded the three trucks that had arrived in succession. He wanted to keep the natural vibe of the property by solely using solid wood products. He had ordered everything from a local warehouse that stored small business items, freeing up their premises. Chin had told him that almost all the furniture sold was handcrafted or locally made in Hawaii.

They did have to ask Chin's cousins for assistance with the big headboards, which arrived in a single piece. It was mainly to avoid damaging the wall when they hauled it up the stairs. Fortunately, they only had trouble with one of the headboards, as the second bed came with a solid headboard that could be disassembled without problems.

He had discovered a gorgeous bamboo timber bed with an open-frame headboard and spindles. He loved the Hawaiian vibe and felt it would look beautiful in the spare room, which was painted in a seafoam green, while he had ordered a strong light wooden frame fashioned from locally obtained driftwood for his grey room.

Chin and Kono launched a small competition after Kono joked that she could build the units faster than Chin. They had both chosen a room, and Buck had told them which pieces of furniture went in each room. And very much left them to it. Danny had encouraged him not to participate in their challenge because it was safer for everyone, but Steve simply laughed at the concept. That's why he hadn't asked Steve to help them put together any of the furniture and instead served as a delivery driver. As much as he loved his brother, he was well aware of Steve's competitive tendency, and he didn't think his house would survive that.

He'd already noticed Steve's competitive streak the night before. Buck hadn't planned on organising his own room just yet. He had brought the furnishings, but due to their size and the amount he had spent on them, they had arrived a day before everything else. He intended to keep them in the garage with everything else until he had a chance to put them up since he wanted to focus on the rest of the house, which he had planned to decorate and build himself.

However, Steve had changed his plans for him. He knew Steve meant well and only wanted to help him, but he found it a little bothersome that Steve didn't run the idea with him before putting it into action. However, he realised Steve merely wanted him to feel like a member of a family again after everything that had happened.

When Buck told Steve that he was going to keep the bedroom furniture in the garage until he had time to sort it out, Steve proposed that they go over there and organise his room so he could sleep in his own bed on his first night as it was arriving early. Buck shrugged his shoulders and stated that he wanted to work on the rest of the house and would be willing to sleep on the couch for the first night so that he did not waste his time off going over to the house to make up his bedroom furniture.

But Steve wasn't having that. Instead, he had virtually dragged him to the house, where they spent at least five hours assembling all the furniture for his new bedroom like he hadn’t just spent all day at work.

Buck had brought a super king bed made of Ōhi'a wood with a thick-panelled headboard. He had thought that a super king might be a little too much bed for one person, but because the previous owner had constructed the room with drop-down lights that would fit between that size of the bed, he would have to adjust the wiring in the room to make it work with any other size bed. And that seemed like too much work for a room he'd already fallen in love with.

They hadn't made the bed, just placed the new mattress after battling it up the stairs, with the intention of making it after they finished putting the rest of the room together. However, they were able to set up the set of drawers that he had brought to store a record system. He didn't want a television in his room because he preferred to keep it screen-free. But he didn't like sleeping in silence. He had a good little vinyl record collection that had been sent to him, and he needed a safe place to keep them. He had also ordered a few new recordings from musicians such as Ed Sheeran, Dean Lewis, and Paloma Faith in addition to his older tracks from Pink Floyd, Queen, and The Kinks, among others.

Buck then heard a vehicle on his drive and knew he had at least three more deliveries due today, so it was properly one of them. One delivery that he was really looking forward to was the delivery of his exercise equipment. And he had gone all out, creating his own personal gym that he would never need to go to a gym again and could do it all at home. He had brought a power rack, barbells and plates, a pull-up bar, adjustable barbells, a treadmill and a spin bike. A rowing machine as well as a boxing bag with gloves. In addition, there are a few Kettlebells of various weights and a fighting rope.

However, he had not only considered his workouts; he had also brought a yoga mat, resistance bands, a foam roller, and a massage gun for his recovery afterwards. He was aware of the risks associated with excessive exercise, so he decided to order everything he needed to ensure that he recovered properly. He had also ordered an ice bath, which he planned to keep near his outdoor shower because it made more sense. With the outdoor power, he could leave it plugged in and not bother about plugging it in before working out and could programme it to time well with his workouts.

In addition to the gym equipment, he was also going to get a delivery of tools and hiking equipment for his workshop. After surveying the space he had in his workshop, he determined ways to split it into distinct regions so that he could keep everything he required in a neat order. He would keep one-third of the space that sat closer to the garage for storing all of the tools he would need to work on and maintain his cars and bikes, as well as a very nice tool drawer that would hold nearly every tool he would need as well as some basic car maintenance supplies such as oil, screen wash, and coolant.

The next third in the middle of the room would hold all the other tools he would need to do the odd job around the house, such as basic hand tools like hammers and screwdrivers of various sizes, power tools like a new cordless drill and a circular saw, electrical and plumbing supplies, three workbenches, and a sawhorse. He'd also brought as many storage benches as he could to accommodate everything. He did not want things left out or out of place. Perhaps it was his OCD, but he did not want clutter.

For the final third of the workshop, he had bought some pre-assembled cabinets of various sizes to house all his camping, surfing, and diving equipment. He hadn't decided where he wanted to keep everything and had considered storing it in his enormous closet because he didn't have much clothing, but given how large the workshop was, he'd changed his mind.  With his surfboard kept outside, he understood he needed to focus on how to care for it. He'd brought some extra fins and leg leashes, a storage rack, at least five repair kits, Kono's recommended surf wax and comb, and a couple of traction pads. He had also brought a large bench that could but put away to save space but allowed him a good place to work on his board if he needed to make any repairs or where he could replace the wax when needed.

He had also brought an outside storage rack that he was going to set up near his outdoor shower so he could rinse it off after he had been surfing. As well as a rack for his Jeep Wrangler, which was being delivered with the rest of his vehicles.

He had brought it on his trips as he was concerned about ruining Maddie's truck into the ground and needed a vehicle that he could trust.  He had replaced his previous Wrangler recently with a Jeep Wrangler 2021 Willys Edition in Sarge Green before he had been hurt in the bombing, intending to get it out of storage and use it instead of Maddie's truck as the repairs it needed had started to creek up but that had changed after he was injured.

He hadn't scrapped his previous Wrangler, either; instead, he had donated it to one of his former brothers, who had been looking for an inexpensive car to take his daughter to school after his old truck's engine failed and he had been struggling financially. He had suggested buying him a new one for him, but his brother was as stubborn as the rest of them and refused to accept charity, even though he may have lost his job because of it. Instead, he sold him his old Wrangler, explaining that he was selling it cheap because of the miles on it and the fact that he was buying a new one. Not telling him that he had the entire vehicle serviced and everything changed that required it.

Buck also brought some new camping gear, primarily because Chin had mentioned a few routes that had amazing views that he needed to try, and he planned to. He had already planned a few trips and which campsites he would need to book once Doctor Gallagher gave him the go-ahead. He had brought a modest two-man tent, a camp stove and water-filtering equipment. He hadn't needed to buy much for camping because he had plenty in storage that was getting shipped over. Mr Sanderford had sent him a list of everything he was sending over. He didn't see the purpose in buying stuff he already owned. He needed a new tent because his old one had ripped on his last camping trip.

He intended to get as much new diving equipment as possible. He mainly utilised his Navy equipment that he had, which was most likely still in good condition, but he was aware that a few components needed to be replaced. He purchased a new face mask, a new BCD, a regulator, three new air tanks, and a limited quantity of O-rings and seals from a Navy contact (Steve had told him to use them). A new and updated dive computer and weight belt. He had also brought several spare hoses just in case. However, he had not brought a new dive knife or wetsuit since he had only recently upgraded to a combat diver suit made of neoprene. He had also purchased a regular wetsuit since he didn't want others (especially Eddie) to question why he was purchasing a wetsuit suited for covert operations and combat. However, he was so used to wearing one that it seemed strange not to.

And his dive knife was a gift from his teammates on his first-year anniversary of being on the team. They had it engraved with a little Trident on the blade for him. It was the first gift that made him cry; it had been a long time since someone had celebrated him for being himself, and he had kept it safe ever since. He never dived without it and felt wrong if he didn't have it on his leg.

Buck walked out onto the drive to see who had arrived, he discovered that it was all his new bedding, soft furnishings, and rugs, which he had purchased from a little furniture business run by Kono's Uncle's cousin. He had brought at least three sets of bedding for each room that matched the design of the room but wanted to be able to swap out the bedding if he had visitors over.

He knew he had gone a little overboard with how much he had brought, but he didn't care. He wanted everybody who stayed with him to consider this their home as well. Fortunately, he was able to unload the vehicle with help from the driver only. He put most of the items in the hallway with everything else, but he swiftly placed all the bedding for the ground floor bedroom onto the new mattress that they had already set up. He would finish that room later because he knew he would most likely break down thinking about how much Christopher would love this room so wanted to do it alone.

Throughout the day, Buck felt like he was running a marathon trying to organise each room. But, with everyone's help, they were able to make the house liveable. Most of the rooms were soon finished, or as close to being finished as possible. However, as he moved from room to room, Buck was able to construct a note on his phone of what else he needed. Think about replacing the sunroom shades with drapes or purchasing a spare bathmat for the upper bathroom. Things he had overlooked but could readily pick up. He knew he needed to count everything that was coming over in his cars and plan where they would go when they arrived.

When the gym equipment came, Buck had paid for an instalment team to come in and set up the gym properly. The gym was built to sit slightly out of the house, with large fall-to-ceiling windows that let in a lot of light, like the sunroom, so he wanted to set up the equipment to maintain that perspective. So, he had asked the team if they could keep the end of the room that looked out onto the garden as his recovery area, and they had agreed. When he entered his gym after they had finished, all his weights were near the door, with his cardio equipment sat in the middle while his yoga mat and recovery kit were set in the centre of the windows. Just how he wanted it.

By the end of the day, they had almost finished preparing his home.

Mr Sanderford had sent him a few items through the normal postal service. He'd have to wait for his vehicles, weapons, and some of the larger objects he wanted brought over, but Mr Sanderford had been able to send his important papers (which included some new contracts that he needed to sort out), some of his sketchbooks that he hadn't used, and some of his small keepsakes that he had collected on his road trip.

He had placed several of the keepsakes in his office, alongside a few books that he had brought about Hawaiian cultures and history. He placed all the paperwork in the safe and set a reminder to read over them later. He also knew that Mr Sanderford had given over all the sales information for his paintings, as well as a lengthy report on how his art tour was doing with visitor comments and the amount raised in each location. As he had put them away, he had also noticed a statement or something in the stack of papers about an incident that had happened, but he couldn't be bothered with it right now and would handle that later.

Nick had arrived on time, looking almost identical to the last time Buck had seen him. His sunglasses held back his black hair, a full beard that made him look slightly like a mountain man and he wore a t-shirt that was a touch too snug on him, exposing his muscles. But he was still sporting his stupid grin, which revealed his somewhat crooked teeth. Nick had gone over the entire property with a fine-tooth comb, making comments on how to strengthen security and any blind spots he found. After the walk around they had sat in Buck's new kitchen with two cups of coffee and gone over the plan. Nick wanted to install as many cameras as possible on each boundary of the outside of his new home and garage, each on an independent circuit, making it difficult for someone to break in and cut the camera feed.

Buck had previously changed all the locks when he bought the house as he did whenever he moved somewhere new, but Nick wanted to install smart locks on some of the internal doors to secure specific spaces such as his office and art studio. Nick had known about his reputation as a painter for some time and was aware of the value of Buck's work. Nick also recommended installing reinforced strike plates in a couple of spots to add additional safety. Thankfully, all the windows in the house were already reinforced, so he wouldn't have to replace any of them, which was a relief, but he did want to install glass break sensors on all windows that could be opened or accessed.

Nick had recommended a brand-new system with cutting-edge cameras covering every inch of his home and grounds. Buck had drawn a line in certain areas because he did not want to feel as if his every action was being tracked, which Nick understood. His new security cameras would have night vision, motion detection with phone alerts, high quality, and an AI feature to prevent them from scaring off any wildlife. Nick had also stated that he would be changing his office's storage and monitors to accommodate all the new cameras.

Buck also stated that he needed a video doorbell that could be viewed from at least two angles. One hidden and one on the door as usual, allowing him to see even if someone attempted to disguise their face from the camera on the door. Nick had loved the notion and had promptly taken note of it. He also assured that the technology they employed would not damage the door and that they would be able to install it alongside everything else.

Nick had already commented on the perimeter's lack of security, but he intended to change this. Fortunately, the fence encircling the property was new, made of stone, and reinforced with metal bars for increased strength, so it wouldn't need to be replaced; however, Nick intended to install security cameras in key spots, as well as motion detectors along the fence line and at the greenhouses. He also intended to replace the floodlights with motion detectors for his driveway and all entry points to his property.

Because the driveway gate was new and of good quality, Nick just suggested that they add a bit of additional protection with plate recognition, as well as new locks and a video to the entire system. Buck had laughed slightly when Nick compared his home to Fort Knox by the time he was finished.

Nick had also suggested that they install some nest cameras in the trees that encircled his beach access so that he could keep an eye out for any trespassers from the ocean. He said that the nest camera would be the ideal fit owing to its salt resistance and would be powered by a battery, but with a solar-powered function to keep the batteries charged.

Buck had read Nick's proposal and knew it would not be cheap. The sensors alone would be expensive, and even though Steve had stated that he would pay for them, he was upset that his brother would have to spend so much money to make these upgrades. He had questioned Nick honestly if he required all these changes and stated that he knew Steve was paying the bill, and he would gladly cover the difference if everything needed to be done so that Steve merely paid for a basic security position.

However, Nick would not have it. He stated that he had previously provided the plan to Steve and was only paying for the equipment used, not the instalment cost. Buck had attempted to argue with Nick, telling him that he would pay for it. But instead, Nick had laughed at him and took out a photograph from his wallet of a tiny boy about four years old. Buck was perplexed as to why Nick was showing him it until Nick pulled his t-shirt to see a nasty, jagged scar that went from his ribs to his back. And Buck remembered quickly how it had happened.

They had been working together in Afghanistan on an operation, with Nick's unit accompanying them for assistance due to the size of the compound they needed to target. Sadly, near the end of the operation, Nick's perch was discovered and the terrorists opened fire on the abandoned house where Nick was hiding. They tried to reach him in order to provide him with support, but the abundance of RPGs had caused the house to collapse with Nick inside it before they could reach him.

It had taken them over twenty minutes to pull Nick out, and by the time they found him, he had lost a lot of blood and was close to death. He had been wounded by shrapnel, which had split open his side deeply. Buck had knelt at Nick's head and saw the realisation in Nick's eyes; he knew death was inevitable and was at peace with it. However, this did not imply that they would allow him to give up and die. The medics from both teams worked hard to stabilise him while the rest of them waited for help to arrive. But it was not working. He was dying before their eyes.

Buck remembers one of the medics saying he needed blood, and without thinking, Buck checked Nick's blood type inscribed on all his dog tags and realised that they had the same blood type. Buck had immediately told the medics to use his blood to keep Nick alive until they could get him to the base hospital and doctors. It had taken a few units of Buck's blood to stabilise Nick sufficiently to transport him to the base hospital.

It was then that Buck realised what Nick was showing him, the photograph depicted Nick's son, who would not have been born if he had not given him his blood. Sure, they weren't supposed to give blood transfusions in the field, and they had gotten a lecture from Command about it since when they were ready to move, Buck had almost fainted due to blood loss. Nick said that his doctors had told him that if he had not been given the blood, he would not have survived.

Following his discharge from the Army, Nick explained that he had met the woman who is now his wife during his recovery, and they now had a son together. Buck had learnt from Nick's former unit that due to the location of his wound; Nick had lost one of his kidneys and had been discharged from the Army because of it. Nick didn't take it well, based on what he had heard from others. So, seeing him now prosperous with a family let him realise he had made a difference.

Nick held the photo in his hand and smiled before returning his gaze with a shrug and explaining that if it hadn't been for him, he wouldn't be living this life now. He wouldn't be able to wake up every morning to his lovely wife and wonderful son. So simply asking Steve to pay for the equipment and handle all instalment payments was nothing. As Buck signed the agreement, Nick promised to text him the next available date on which he could begin the instalment plan.

The sun had begun to set, and Buck found himself in the kitchen, reflecting on everything that had happened. Remembering that day had sparked something in him; he remembered standing up as the others carried Nick to the helicopter, only to notice that his vision began to dim. The next thing he remembered was Caleb holding him in his arms as they flew back to base, while a medic examined him.

Apparently, he donated a little too much blood and passed out from low blood pressure. But he had not been scared. He remembers letting his head fall upon Caleb's chest and knowing that he was entirely comfortable in his now ex's embrace. He wanted to know what had led a man who had sat with him in the medic tent, holding his hand as they waited for the drip in his arm to go through to raise his blood pressure, had abandon him like that. Caleb had promised to tell him everything, and he would make sure he did.

Buck looked at his phone and, without thinking, picked it up, opened the Messager app, and texted Caleb. It was a short message: 'Can we talk?'

Caleb messaged him back quickly; it was as if he had been sitting next to his phone since they first saw each other, waiting for him to call. 'Is everything okay?' Caleb enquired, and Buck could not help but smile slightly at the message. He knew he shouldn't let Caleb's remarks affect him, just in case he got hurt again. But he couldn't help it

"Can we meet for coffee tomorrow?" Buck texted back. He did not answer Caleb's message, but he knew Caleb would understand what he meant. Buck watched as the three little dots flashed on his screen as Caleb typed.

'Okay, when and where?' Caleb asked.

Buck exhaled and closed his eyes. He didn't want Caleb at his house, even though he wanted him here, but he couldn't let him into his safe place. Not until he understood what had happened and whether they could still be friends. But he also didn't want to pick a location that Steve could stake out because he'd have to tell him about the meeting, as well as text Sam to let him know he was meeting his ex.

He considered picking the beach or Kamekona’s but realised that Steve would most certainly keep an eye on him. Instead, he remembered a small café across the street from Pele's office. It was a small, family-owned establishment with only a few tables for seating, which was ideal given its location away from the main streets. He discovered it during one of his meetings with Pele, and it sold the best Kona coffee he had ever tasted.

So, he texted Caleb the location and asked if he was available around 10 a.m.; he knew Steve had a meeting with the governor at 9:30 a.m. for an hour, so he'd be able to speak with Caleb for about 30 minutes before Steve arrived. But that wouldn't deter Sam; he knew it was improbable that Sam would be able to get a flight right now, and even if he did, Sam would respect his space and stay in the car until he was ready.

Caleb readily agreed to the plan and finished it with, 'And I swear I will tell you everything.'

Caleb's words echoed loudly in his head. He was finally going to find out the truth, and for the first time, he was ready. He sent a brief 'ok, see you tomorrow' before setting his phone down on the island and closing his eyes. He couldn't believe he had done it. He had scheduled a meeting with his ex to get the answers that had been keeping him awake at night.

But then his mind began to run through different scenarios for what would happen when he eventually sat down with his ex.

Did Caleb meet someone new and better than him?

Did he simply fall out of love with him?

Or did he do something that made him hate him and drove him away?

Buck was so immersed in his thoughts that he didn't see Steve had entered the kitchen with five bags of groceries until he had placed them on the island. The abrupt thud of the bags caused him to jump and almost fall off his seat. Thankfully, Steve failed to notice he had startled him since he was too busy explaining himself for buying him so much food. Looking closer at the groceries Steve had brought in Buck noticed that there was a bag full of vegetables, another with fruit, one with dairy and cheese, one with meat, and last with bread, pasta, and rice.

Buck planned to go shopping as soon as the house was ready, and he intended to live on takeaway or eat whenever he was out until then. Steve had already stated that he could borrow his truck anytime he wanted it, and he had even planned for Danny to pick him up and off every morning and night until his own vehicles got delivered.

Thankfully, Mr Sanderford had expedited everything, but it would still take at least a week for his belongings to arrive. But happily, he didn't have to go to the dock and retrieve his things because Mr Sanderford had arranged for everything to be sent to his house once they arrived. Mr Sanderford had given him all the shipping information as soon as everything was loaded into the shipping containers, so he knew exactly what was in each container. He was expecting three containers in all. One contained three of his cars, another contained his other car, as well as all his motorbikes, and the third, contained all his art supplies, weaponry, and other items he had acquired over his travels.

Including a bronze statue, he discovered in Mexico from an elderly sculptor he met. He had intended to move the statue into his new home, which he planned to purchase with Caleb, but had put it in storage following their breakup. It was a magnificent Mexican bronze sculpture depicting an elegant horse galloping. The artist had included traditional patterns and textures to evoke Mexico's rich cultural past, as he requested. The bronze's surface has a deep patina, giving it an old and timeless look. The sculpture's base is covered with Aztec or Mayan-inspired engravings, which add to its historical relevance. The statue had been pricey to create, but he didn't mind. He had wanted to include Caleb's Mexican heritage in their home, even though Caleb had previously told him that he no longer felt connected to it so it didn't matter to him. He loved the artist's work and had witnessed Caleb's love for it. But now he wanted it in his house. It has been in storage for too long.

He also owned several Hand-Carved Animal Fetishes that he had acquired while assisting on a Native American reservation with some rebuilding after a big storm, as the Chief had graciously granted him permission to sleep on their territory for a time. He genuinely enjoyed working with them. As well as a few other antiques and artwork that he had brought along on his travels.

Buck watched Steve put away all the food he had brought and couldn't help but shake his head as his brother worked. He couldn't believe Steve had bought him enough food for a week, but he understood why his brother had done it. Steve was still concerned that he wasn't eating enough, and he was correct. His appetite was not the best; it had never recovered since he left LA. It had improved, and he could now eat tiny adult meals, but he still felt sick if he ate too much. Doctor Gallagher had told him that he was training his stomach to consume normal meals again after eating little or nothing for so long.

"You ok?" Steve asked with concern, and Buck recognised why he was worried. He realised he must have turned pale thinking about his conversation with Caleb.

"You didn't have to do that," Buck stated gently, pointing to the now-empty bags. He appreciated everything Steve was doing for him. But he worried that if Steve did too much for him, he would start to resent him. And he never intended that to happen. He was his annoying little brother, who had returned to his life after cutting him out for so long and had completely turned his life upside down.

Steve chuckled and shook his head, "You need to eat, and I didn't get you too much." He replied with a shrug as he continued to put away the food.

"Five bags?" Buck remarked, smiling and pointing to each bag. If Steve thought five bags wasn't a lot, he was concerned about how much food Steve would like.

"I wanted to get more," Steve explained, shrugging his shoulders.

"Thanks, though," Buck murmured softly, knowing Steve was simply trying to help.

"Danny's gone to pick up the pizzas and Chin and Kono said upstairs is nearly done," Steve replied as he began to store the bags in an empty drawer so that he could reuse them if needed. "Both spare rooms are set up, and the beds are made. Include your bed. Kono stated that your bed feels like a cloud. You might lose your bed if you let her stay here." He added, laughing.

Buck closed his eyes and sighed. "I was supposed to buy dinner."

That was the way that he wanted to say thank you for helping him in making his house a home. After Chin's relatives finished with the electrical, two of them helped take the boxes into the correct rooms (thanks to Danny's labelling) to make unpacking easier. After Nick had departed, Buck had walked through his house to see the hallways clear of boxes, knowing they were almost there. Almost finished unpacking all he had brought or received.

"You can pay Danny back for the pizza if you want," Steve remarked, shrugging his shoulders, but Buck noticed the twinkle in Steve's eye and knew he had planned this. Steve was aware that he would complain to him about it, but he didn't care. 

Buck nodded in response, but he knew that Danny wouldn't accept the money. But he was willing to try. Danny had Grace to think about, his money should be directed towards her or saved for a rainy day. He did not pay for the food he had promised to buy as a thank-you for all their help. Danny could have spent the day playing and spending time with his daughter instead of helping him move.

They fell silent again, and Buck began to fiddle with his phone, his screen still blank on the island, to escape this talk, he knew was coming. He was aware that Steve was closely monitoring him to better understand what was going on with him, but he didn't want to discuss it. He still had a lot to do. All his outside furniture was scheduled to arrive tomorrow afternoon, so he'd be back in time after concluding his meeting with Caleb, but he still had a lot of pictures and wall hangings from the market to hang. He hadn't hung many of them since he wanted to see how the place looked before putting too much on the walls.

"You want to tell me what's going on with you?" Steve asked, and Buck noticed that Steve had stepped closer to him and leaned against the island, attempting to get him to look at him. He knew Steve had a good interrogator and knew that if he didn't tell him then he would get him to talk. But talking about this was tough. He wasn't sure how Steve would respond to the news that he had agreed to speak with Caleb. He knew Steve would support him, but Steve was still angry with Caleb, perhaps much more than he was.

"I'm meeting Caleb tomorrow," Buck stated carefully. 

After a few minutes of awkward silence, Steve piped up: "Ok, did he ask for it?"

Buck sighed and understood Steve's query; he hadn't spoken of Caleb since he had lost his rag with Steve. It wasn't that he didn't want to talk about him; he'd already spoken with Doctor Copeland about Caleb, but talking about Steve was always more difficult. This is especially true now that his feelings for the man have rekindled. Steve had never concealed how much he despised Caleb for what he had done to him.

Buck knew Steve would never forgive Caleb for what he had done, and he had even told him that if he ever saw the man, he would not be held responsible for his actions. But he respected Buck enough to keep his emotions under control, for now. But that didn't mean he wouldn't threaten Caleb several times to ensure he understood what would happen if he hurt his younger brother again. And he would not be the only one.

"No, I did," Buck said, shaking his head no. "It's time," he said with a sigh. It was time. It was time for him to face the reality, no matter how much it upset him.

"I can be there…" Steve began to speak as if he was trying to recall whether he had any meetings that he could convince Danny to attend, completely forgetting about his appointment with the governor. Perhaps he simply intended to ignore the Governor's request that he attend the meeting in person.

"No, Steve, I need to do this by myself," Buck stated firmly. As much as he wished his brother could be there to keep him together, he realised he had to do this alone. He wanted to be able to ask all the awkward questions he wanted to ask Caleb, knowing that some of them would make Steve blush. He also didn't want Caleb to think he couldn't tell him the truth because he was afraid Steve could hurt him if he said the wrong thing.

"Ok but…" Steve started, but the sound of the front door opening prompted them to turn.

"Pizza is here!" Danny's voice rang out from the hallway, and they could hear Chin and Kono fighting to be the first one downstairs. The aroma of hot, delicious pizza permeated the house, and Buck couldn't help but feel his mouth water. Danny had only consented to eat pizza if he could choose the location, as he knew where to find the best pizza on the island. And he wasn't wrong: the smell was incredible.

Danny entered the kitchen, with Chin and Kono behind him. Thankfully, Buck had previously laid the table runner to protect the table from harm, so Danny placed the four pizza boxes on the table while Steve fetched some plates.

"We'll finish this later," Steve remarked, gesturing to him as he walked by with the plate. Kono began to pass out bottles of cola to everyone.

Buck nodded in agreement, knowing that he was unlikely to get out of that conversation. As Steve passed, he followed and took his position at the head of the table (which Steve had pointed out to him). And they started to eat. Danny had brought a Neapolitan, pepperoni, Hawaiian (which Danny wasn't happy about and made his feelings known), and BBQ chicken. Buck realised from the smell that they weren't the pizza that was ready to be delivered. Instead, they were all freshly made. All smelled amazing. 

They laughed, joked, and spoke about everything and anything. Kono pondered what the surf might be like over the weekend and hinted to Buck that they should hit the waves again if they were any good and they didn't have a case. While Danny was enthused about Grace's spelling bee victory, Rachel yelled at him about Grace's teacher saying that she might need a little more help with maths, and Rachel wanted to hire a maths tutor to assist her. Grace was not failing her maths class; her grade was only one lower than her previous classes. Rachel had said that if he did not have the money, she would make Stan pay for it. Buck knew from what Steve had told him that Danny hated it when his ex-wife used her new husband's money to make him seem like a bad father. Something he obviously wasn't, and they had told him so.

As their conversations continued for the first time in a long time, Buck felt in charge of his life. At the conclusion of the night, Chin offered as he picked up his coat to arrange a Pū Blessing for the home if he was interested. Buck had been drawn to the idea ever since he read about the various benefits that may be bestowed. He read about the Pū Blessing and wanted to do it but needed to find a Kahu (a spiritual leader) to do so. He gladly accepted Chin's offer to go on the Kahu he knew and coordinate everything.

Buck had remembered (luckily) to message Sam that he was meeting Caleb tomorrow and that if he couldn't make it in time, he would let him know what happened. He knew Steve was going to tell everyone about their meeting even if he didn't. He knew that by the end of the week, everyone on his previous team would have learnt that he had met with Caleb, and it wouldn't surprise him if his house was raided by a dozen Seals seeking explanations.

Buck was left alone in his new home after fighting with Steve for twenty minutes about being left alone in his own home. Buck knew Steve was concerned about letting him out of his sight after everything that had transpired, and he only agreed to leave after Buck promised to text him in the morning.

Buck sighed as he looked about his new home after everyone else had left. He couldn't help but walk around his house like he was in a daze. He'd put the remaining pizza in the refrigerator, the dirty plates and glasses in the dishwasher, and turned out the lights. As he approached the stairs, he checked to ensure that all the doors were locked. He'd heard Steve check his front door after he'd locked it and left.

Buck couldn't help but look about his new living room, which now looked like someone lived there instead of an empty shell. He made his way to his bedroom, smiling softly at the idea of this being his. He couldn't believe he owned this home. He quickly checked the other bedrooms to ensure that all lights were turned off before entering his own.

As he entered the room, he noticed his bed had been freshly made, just as Steve had told him. His large comfortable bed was now made with the soft cream linen he had brought, as well as green and brown throw pillows and a throw blanket arranged neatly at the end. He noticed his suitcases had been placed in the wardrobe doorway, ready for him to decide where he wanted to store them. Looking around his new room, Buck felt it was a little too spacious for only him, but he also felt at home.

He groaned, closed his eyes, and leaned against the door frame. Just standing in his room made him feel even more exhausted. He felt his muscles relax with each minute he stood in his bedroom. But even though he wanted to very much just fall into bed; he was sweaty and was in very much need of a shower before he could think of getting into his new bed. He didn't bother to open his eyes, instead, he simply walked into the bathroom, undressed, and didn't open them again until he was in the shower. He found himself chuckling at how easy it was to go through his house without opening his eyes. It took him at least two weeks at his previous flat in Los Angeles to feel confident doing that, but here, it was as if he had been here forever.

Buck switched on the warm shower and moaned as it rained down on his body. It felt great; his muscles responded to the water in ways they had never done before. Picking up his shower bar, he began rubbing it on his sore muscles. He didn't want to think about what would happen tomorrow, but he knew he couldn't go into that café without thinking things through. But right now, he felt his eyes becoming heavy and knew sleep was calling him.

He had no idea how he managed it, but the next thing he knew, he was lying in his new bed (which felt fantastic on his exhausted bones) staring up at the ceiling. He knew tomorrow would be life-changing. Finally, he'd have answers to the questions that had been haunting his dreams for so long.

He just hoped he was strong enough to handle them.

-

Buck sat nervously tapping his foot, trying not to panic, while sipping his excessively hot tea and listening to the conversation of other customers and workers. The café was small, with only twenty small tables with a busy counter stocked with fresh pastries and sandwiches. The smell of freshly ground and roasted coffee permeated the air. It smelt incredible, which was one of the reasons he came in that day and has since grown to love it. The café was designed in a modern style with elements of Hawaiian culture. It was more welcoming and comfortable than any other café he had ever visited.

He arrived at the café earlier than planned. He had left much earlier than he wanted to, but he couldn't stop himself. He had gotten up at 6 a.m., tried to have breakfast but only managed to eat a single piece of toast so he could take his meds, showered, and changed his clothes six times in an attempt to find something that made him feel confident (although he was anything but).  He eventually ended up wearing some distressed dark blue jeans that looked almost grey that he'd had for a long time, a brown t-shirt with a plaid flannel shirt on top, and some slightly worn work boots. He had picked up his military-style field jacket that he had found in a charity shop. He knew he shouldn't be so nervous, but for some reason, he couldn't control his emotions. He had attempted to sit on the couch or find something to do, such as unpack a few more boxes or sort out his wardrobe, but he couldn't concentrate.

Instead, he left far too early and found himself sitting in Steve's truck, looking at the café just across the street from where he had parked, trying to keep himself from having a panic attack. Why was he doing this? Why was he doing this to himself? He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, and as he pulled it out, he noticed it was a message from Caleb. The mere thought of Caleb texting him triggered his anxiousness. His anxiety told him that Caleb had messaged him, stating he had changed his mind and did not want to meet him ever again, but he knew in his heart that Caleb would never do that to him.

He felt his heart in his throat as he saw that he had a few texts in his inbox, the first of which was from Caleb, simply letting him that he was leaving his hotel and would be there as soon as possible. Buck smiled at the comment, and he nearly kicked himself for believing Caleb would break his word. Another message came from Sam, telling him that he hadn't been able to get a flight the previous evening but was on his way to Hawaii now and that if Caleb hurt him, they would be having a chat. Buck laughed, but he knew Sam wasn't lying. Sam had managed to get on the 5 a.m. flight and would arrive in Hawaii at 11 a.m. Sam told him that he would stay at the airport until his meeting finished before taking a cab to his house. Buck already shared his address since he trusted Sam with it, but he found himself smiling as he reflected on how much respect Sam showed him by respecting his space. Something felt odd to him now.

Another message came from Steve; his brother had kept it brief and to the point. Steve basically told him that if he needed him, he would have his phone turned up loud (which he assumed he shouldn't have because he was at an important meeting), and he would be there. Regardless of what he was doing at the time. And Buck believed him. He knew that if he merely texted Steve that he needed him, Steve would drop everything and get to him.

There were a few other messages from his fellow brothers, some of whom he hadn't spoken to since he left, informing him that they planned to visit Hawaii in the coming weeks and wanted to catch up. Buck couldn't help but chuckle as he realised where it all came from. It was evident to him that Steve had properly connected them, telling them that he needed his brothers to reach out if they could.

Buck couldn't help but miss his brothers more than ever after seeing their names. God, getting the gang back together sounds fantastic. He could envision his house filled with his brothers, laughing and joking about what they were going to do and simply enjoying each other's company. He knew he was going to plan that when he got back, but he had a hunch that Danny would leave the island because he had openly declared that he did not want to be on the island with Steve's former team that close to him. He couldn't help but laugh at the concept.

Buck looked up at the café and realised he'd wasted enough time hiding in Steve's truck and needed to get a table so he and Caleb could talk. He couldn't hide when he was so close to finding the answers to the pain that he had suffered. With a sigh, he hopped out of Steve's truck and walked towards the café.

As he entered the café, the workers greeted him as they regularly did while serving other customers or collecting empty glasses. He swiftly removed his jacket and placed it over the back of his chair, claiming his normal table. The table was positioned in the café's window to the corner further from the door, with one of the seats resting against the wall. He always preferred this table because, with his back to the wall, he had the best view of the entire café, including the door leading to the kitchen. He could also look out the window, keeping an eye on who came and exited the cafe.

Buck asked for his usual black tea with milk, along with a glass of water. He didn't want to order Caleb something he didn't like because he understood people's tastes change over time, so he didn't want to order him something he may dislike. As he took his seat, he placed the glass of water in front of the other chair and stirred his milk into the hot tea leaves, not realising he had already mixed the milk in.

He had placed his phone on the table by the window in case he needed to respond to any of Caleb's texts. He had intended to set it to silent mode but knew better. Steve would kill him if he put his phone on silent. Steve had one rule for him: if he failed to respond after missing three calls and leaving three unread messages, all bets were off. He would drive, fly, or sprint to his location, guns blazing. And Buck believed him.

He took a sip of his tea, feeling the hot liquid burn his lip slightly, but he didn't care because his brain was too busy trying to keep him calm. He continued to drink his tea, but he wasn't enjoying it as much as he usually did. It had an odd taste. However, he was aware that nothing had changed. The tea, milk, and water were all the same as before. Nonetheless, the taste seemed bland. Perhaps he put too much milk or did not allow the tea leaves to soak long enough.

But Buck understood deep down that the dull flavour was unrelated to the tea. It was excellent as always; the tea kettle was hot, keeping the hot water hot while steeping the tea, the milk was fresh from the local dairy farm, and the water was at the proper temperature. Buck shook his head and continued drinking his tea. He knew it wasn't the tea, but him.

He'd read extensively about what stress could do to the human body. He'd read somewhere that persistent stress caused a decrease in saliva production, which makes it difficult for people to identify flavours correctly. He remembered that the pizza he had eaten with Steve the night before hadn't tasted normal but attributed this to not been to that pizza place before. But merely drinking his usual tea made him realise that the tension was getting to him again, but this time in a new way.

Buck had been o lost in thought that he had not noticed someone entering the café until they cleared their throat. Jumping slightly, he looked up and spotted Caleb standing in front of him, appearing just as nervous as him.

"Hi," Buck responded, noticing Caleb hovering.

"Hi, Ev," Caleb responded softly.

"Can I sit?" Caleb asked, pointing to the chair across from him. Buck did not say anything but nodded and motioned for him to sit. He then noticed Caleb had already ordered a drink from the counter, which smelt like Kona coffee with a small amount of milk but not enough to dilute it. Caleb always liked strong coffee and would drink it black if he could get away with it. Buck knew that Caleb had only put milk in his coffee when he didn't know the strength of the coffee bean, as he used to claim that the milk added a little sweetness, and he would know if he liked the bean if he added a little milk. 

Caleb looked amazing in a grey fitted t-shirt that showed off his beautiful body, and khaki chinos that fitted him with a brown belt. Buck had noticed that he was wearing a pair of brown canvas trainers that he recalled Caleb wearing while they were dating. He also wore a blue denim jacket folded up at his elbows to show off his tattoos, but he removed it as soon as he sat down.

"Thanks for agreeing to meet with me," Caleb replied softly.

"I wanted closure," Buck stated, although he thought he may have been too harsh after seeing Caleb flinch at his comment. He felt awful about his comments. He did not want to hurt Caleb; he simply wanted answers.

"I promise you; I will answer any questions you have," Caleb replied, nodding, and Buck could see the pain in his eyes. Caleb sighed and gulped as if he were trying not to vomit, "You still drinking that tea?" He asked quietly pointing at his cup.

"Yer," Buck responded, grinning as he remembered Caleb commenting on how much tea he drank and questioning if he had English in his blood. To be honest, he had considered Caleb's comment because he enjoyed several British things. He liked tea over coffee and went to pubs rather than a bar. He loved fish and chips and would order them every time he saw them on the menu. And enjoyed food that others would classify as British.

"I remember, I had to special order it for you when we couldn't find it." Caleb chuckled, recalling Buck's complaint for over several hours about not being able to find the blend he loved and acting as if someone had killed his best friend.

"I remember that…" Buck chuckled, "You didn't need to go through this." He then added.

Caleb chuckled and took a sip of his coffee before saying, "You sulked so much that everyone practically chipped in to get your favourite blend shipped from England." Caleb admitted with a laugh. It was awesome to hear Caleb's laugh again, but it almost made his heart skip a beat. He missed hearing Caleb's laugh which was only one of the things he missed about him. Watching Caleb laugh and bring up old memories made him relive them, but it also felt like a knife was piercing further into his heart. He missed those days, but he couldn't separate what happened on the day Caleb left him from those happy memories.

But the remark about the rest of the team pitching in to make him happy was not one he remembered. He didn't think he was that awful; certainly, he was annoyed that the shop he found that sold his English tea had suddenly stopped selling it, but he didn't think he was that bad. "I wasn't that bad?" He objected, shaking his head, but Caleb's cheeky grin indicated that he disagreed.

"You threatened to string Alec up and make him watch as you dismantled his personal drone that he was building piece by piece," Caleb added, laughing heartily.

Buck felt himself blush and his face became scarlet as he remembered the threat. Alec was a tech prodigy who was mainly in charge of any technology they used. Hell, if they got any new technology, he'd beg to borrow it, disassemble it, and rebuild it so he could do it in the field if necessary. He was fascinated with technology and wanted to know how everything worked. But his priority had always been to keep his brothers alive. He had upgraded all their equipment with cutting-edge technology, including trackers that they wore connected to their dog tags which only the team had access to, which was kept very confidential between them. Joe was the only commander who could use the system while they were on the ground, and any of them could log in to locate their brethren if necessary.

Alexander Eriksson was born to Swedish parents who moved to the United States when Alec was ten years old. He was a computer genius who had even gotten in trouble for hacking into his school's network so he could increase his computer time since he thought an hour wasn't enough time to achieve what he wanted. He joined the Navy to get away from his uncle, who wanted him to return to Switzerland after his father died and his mother returned home to 'assist' with the family company. He didn't want to be a part of this firm because it had severe rules that completely controlled him. Something that Alec loathed.

Alec was a free spirit, a confirmed bachelor who cherished his way of life. Alec, like him, was bisexual, but because he was older than Buck, he survived the don't ask, don't tell policy and never openly admitted his sexuality. When Buck first appeared on the team, he took him aside and told him that he was braver than him. Everyone on the team was aware that he was bisexual, but he had never come out, and no one commented on it. But after coming out and dating Caleb, Alec began to talk more openly about his 'friends with benefits' and relationships, as if it were natural for him to do and nobody complained about it.

However, the day Caleb had delivered his tea to him Alec had joked about possibly drinking a cup right in front of him which did not go well for him. Everyone knew Buck was possessive of his tea and more so since he had to go a week without it.

"I did not," Buck defended himself, but he knew Caleb was telling the truth.

"Yes, you did, he kept that drone locked up tight ever since and kind of stopped drinking tea for a few months as you scared him that much," Caleb replied with a chuckle.

"Shut up," Buck replied, laughing along with him.

They had barely been back on base for a day when he walked in on Alec trying to get down the tub where he had hidden his tea, and when he joked about making tea for everyone in his usual hilarious voice to get a rise from him. Buck was tired, hungry, and just wanted to have one of his cups of tea before heading home with Caleb to sleep for a week. Seeing Alec attempting to get his tea and joking about it pushed him over the edge. He would never hurt his brother, instead telling him that if he touched his tea, he would knock him out, tie him up, and then wake him up to watch him slowly dismantle his personal drone, which he had built from scratch for when he went on long hikes to get some good aerial videos to sell online to companies. Threatening to dismantle it prompted Alec to turn white and flee the room.

They established a new rule within the base from that day that they were prohibited from touching Bomber's tea unless they wanted to face Bomber's fury. And nobody wanted that. After Alec came running into their locker room telling everyone what Bomber had just said, Steve had Caleb take Buck home to calm him down and relax.

They both fell silent once more. The silence was overwhelming. Buck didn't know how to begin this conversation; he had all the questions he needed answered in his brain, but when it came to talking, he couldn't get the words out. He began to mentally kick himself; he finally had the opportunity to acquire the answers he desired, and now he was bottling it.

"But seriously, Ev, I meant everything I said. You can ask me anything." Caleb finally broke the silence, saying, "No more lies, no more secrets."

"You promise?" Buck muttered while playing with his teacup. He wanted to believe Caleb when he said he would give him the truth, but he couldn't entirely trust him since he had abandoned him despite pledging never to do so.

"I promise," Caleb replied softly.

Buck looked into Caleb's eyes and saw a lot of emotions swimming around them, but he also noticed that Caleb had a determined look on his face that reminded him of many times when Caleb would say he was doing something (even if it was very dangerous or stupid for him) and fight tooth and nail to make sure he did it.

"Why did you leave?" Buck questioned in a whisper, but he knew Caleb heard him. Buck could see the pain in Caleb's eyes from the question, and he glanced away, as if staring at him was making him feel worse, which made a little part of him pleased. He remembered the grief he had felt, the heartbreak and anger as Caleb walked out the door for the last time, leaving him to clean up the disaster that was his life.

Caleb sighed and wiped his nose with his hand before saying, "To protect you."

Buck was taken aback by Caleb's statement; did he mean he was protecting him? What are we protecting him from? He did not comprehend him. He was a seal, for goodness’s sake, why would he require protection? He anticipated Caleb to continue and tell him that he had found someone else or that he had fallen out of love with him, but he had never been in this situation before. And why would he? It made no sense.

"What?" Buck enquired, making certain that Caleb understood his confusion.

Caleb began to bite his lip slightly, indicating that he was having difficulty putting his thoughts into words. But then he sighed again, and Buck noticed Caleb was carrying an invisible weight around with him, which appeared to be crushing him.

"Do you remember me telling you about my second cousin's son, Leo? He was fifteen and was making problems for my auntie, whom they were staying within Mexico." Caleb enquired, and Buck could detect the hurt in his voice.

Of course, he remembered Caleb's stressful and dysfunctional family. Caleb had broken down one night after they had been drinking before they had gotten together and told him that he was in low contact with his family; his father had died of an overdose in prison after being sentenced for attacking him, his mother and a police officer. His mother was a broken woman who had returned to Mexico when his father had been sentenced to prison.

The family blamed Caleb for his father's incarceration since he had screamed for his father to stop hitting his mother, prompting a neighbour to call the police. His father then attacked the police officers, forcing them to forcibly remove him from the house to protect Caleb and his mother, who was rendered unconscious because of the beating. However, he did not defend his father like his mother did. Instead, he had said the truth. He wanted him arrested, and the cops did just that.

However, most of his family had refused to speak or acknowledge him after that, except for a handful. His aunt and uncle in Mexico on his mother's side despised his father and were relieved that Caleb had spoken up for his mother because she was too broken to do so herself. He also had a great relationship with his Abuela, and he had even gotten to meet her during a visit to see his family. It was during one of these visits that Buck remembered being introduced to Leo by Caleb’s Auntie.

"I believe so; he didn't stay long at your Abuela's birthday and caused a commotion when your uncle asked where he was going," Buck replied, but he couldn't recall much about the kid. Leo had become angry and clearly looking for a fight with anyone who gave him a cause, but that was it. When Caleb asked what was going on with him, Abuela told him that Leo had lost his way and had fallen into a terrible crowd. 

Buck was aware that Caleb had attempted to contact Leo to help him but had been blocked. Leo had either blocked his number or simply left it on read. And that pained Caleb a lot; Buck often held him as he grieved silently, trying to figure out why Leo was so angry. Caleb loved his family, even if they weren't always kind to him.

"He's dead," Caleb stated clearly and without emotion as if he were telling him something trivial.

"What?" Buck asked, astonished, unable to comprehend what Caleb had just told him. "When?" he added, attempting to figure out what was going on. Was this why Caleb left? Because of Leo's death, or was it later and he departed to help him?

"Before I left," Caleb responded without emotion.

"What happened Caleb?" Buck asked quietly, and without realising it, he reached out and grabbed one of Caleb's hands. It was soft, yet he could feel the calluses that covered his hand. But when he got hold of it, he could tell Caleb was physically shivering with emotion.

"He started using, got involved with the cartels, and ended up owning them so much that they owned him," Caleb began to explain, still in an impersonal tone, but Buck knew him better than that; just talking about it was hurting him. Buck was aware that Caleb and Leo's relationship was strained, but he was still family.

"He got roped into being a drug mule and something went wrong with a shipment, and they blamed him for it, so they killed him." Caleb then finished.

"When?" Buck asked gently. He could feel Caleb's pain in his face, and he knew what had happened based on the pain in his eyes. Leo's death was not recent, but he had no idea how it was related to what had occurred between them.

"A week before I left you," Caleb replied rapidly. Making everything genuine was similar to stating what had actually occurred. "You remember I left for that short trip a week before I left?" Caleb asked.

Buck paused for a moment before remembering. "Yer, I remember," Buck replied, still unsure of Caleb's point.

Buck was gone out with Steve a week before he left on this trip, looking (secretly) at wedding venues, but Caleb thought that they had gone to a new restaurant that Steve had wanted to try. After they'd seen the third venue, he received a text from Caleb saying he was leaving for a few days and would explain everything when he returned, which never happened. When Caleb returned, instead of explaining things, he had ended things with him.

"I went to his funeral," Caleb replied sadly.

"Why didn't you tell me? I would have gone with you," Buck said, gripping his hand to provide him with some comfort. But he was also a little upset; why hadn't Caleb told him about this? Why would he keep him in the dark?

"I'm not sure; when I got the call, I felt numb. You were out with Steve, and I simply needed to get there. I did not want to ruin your day, so I went alone." Caleb explained, and Buck could tell that Caleb's emotions were beginning to emerge. He wasn't lying, and he knew it. When Caleb's emotions became too overwhelming, he began to babble, and he was currently doing so.

"What happened Caleb?" Buck enquired cautiously; something in Caleb's voice indicated that there was something more going on. There was something fractured in Caleb's voice, and he understood at that moment that Leo's death was connected to everything that happened to them.

"The funeral was quiet, with only a few people there. Apparently, his drug usage caused him to sever a few relationships." Caleb shrugged while explaining. It seemed as if he didn't want to recall how small the funeral was; he plainly believed that family meant more. That was so Caleb. He had constantly tried to contact his mother after she returned to Mexico, but she never returned his calls. But that did not mean he gave up trying. Every year on her birthday, Caleb called to wish her a happy birthday and sent her a card with money inside.

"Afterwards when I was leaving, Joe was there…" Caleb then explained, and Buck felt as if the world had frozen.

"Joe?" He enquired, perplexed. What the hell was Joe doing in Mexico?

The sound of the café door opening startled them both as a couple entered laughing, holding hands as they headed to the counter to place their order. Buck's eyes followed the young pair, evidently in love, but when he looked back, he found Caleb's gaze had not left his. As if the world around them didn't matter because he was seated in front of him.

"Yer, I had no idea he was there until I left the church," Caleb said as they returned to their talk.

But then he paused. Buck wondered if he needed a moment to figure out how to express himself, but then he sighed loudly and ran his hand through his hair. "The next thing I knew, I was sitting in a conference room with the DEA, Mexican Special Forces, and the Navy. They started talking about a joint operation they were putting together and asked if I would be a part of it," Caleb stated.

"What?" Buck whispered.

He'd never heard of this operation, and Steve never told him anything about it. Did he know? Did Joe tell him but recommend him to remain quiet? He didn't want to think Steve was keeping this from him, but he could see how Joe could place him in that predicament. Buck didn't want to believe Joe could do this to them, but then he remembered something: Joe had always sworn to serve his country, which could include lying to them if necessary. But hearing that Joe was involved sparked a lot of rage; Joe had seen the grief Caleb's departure had on him.

"The cartel had started to use kids as their mules and if they stepped out of line or caused a problem then they would just kill them and move on." Caleb began to explain. "That's what happened with Leo, he was a mule for them and apparently one of the packages got stuck in his gut so they gutted him so they wouldn't lose product." He stated and Buck couldn't believe what he was hearing.

They'd all heard terrible stories about what the cartel did to those who crossed them. They had seen reports, photographs, and news articles about cartel casualties. Buck and Steve had discussed what they would do if they were ever captured by the cartel a week before Caleb had joined the team while on their route to an operation in Mexico. Buck had been honest with Steve, telling him that he would rather be dead than captured by them. His rationale was that he had been abused enough in his life and did not want his brothers to receive a tape of them torturing him.

"Jesus," Buck muttered as he squeezed Caleb's hand. The notion of someone being gutted made him physically sick, but when he realised it had happened to a child and one of Caleb's family members, he understood why Caleb got so angry. He would have gone to help him if he had told him that.

"I couldn't let that go. I couldn't allow them to get away with it. I wanted someone to pay, so I volunteered to undertake the mission for the sake of my family." Caleb explained, and Buck discovered him nodding in accord. Of course, he understood Caleb's desire for vengeance. Whoever committed that to a child deserved to suffer in hell. But he couldn't understand why Caleb thought he had to accomplish this on his own, and why he kept everything from him. Caleb understood he would have offered help without hesitation. Or he believed he did.

"I get that, but I don't understand…" Buck tried to explain to Caleb that he didn't understand why he hadn't come to him and told him everything when they were together, and why he had kept this from him. He thought they were a team, partners, but he had lied to him. He needed to understand why.

Caleb sighed and gripped Buck's hand as if he were his lifeline. Buck stared into Caleb's eyes and saw only love and grief wrapped up together. "Ev…" Caleb started and then stopped. Buck detected emotion in Caleb's throat. He knew whatever Caleb was going to say would hurt more than what he had told him about Leo. Caleb inhaled loudly and sharply before proceeding. "It was a deep cover op, Evan. That meant I had no communication with anyone outside of my handlers."

Buck found himself frozen in place. Of course, he understood what deep cover operations entailed, and he always hated the concept of them. The operator was thrown into the lion's den with no backup or support and was told to gather as much intelligence as they could and try to make it out alive. There was no reminder to stay safe or that intel was secondary to the operator's life. He and Caleb had discussed those types of operations when they were getting serious, and they both agreed that they would never consent to participate in them, no matter what.

And the idea that Caleb would agree to something like that was both hurtful and painful. Had Caleb thought so little of the relationship that he allowed his rage to destroy it?

But Caleb didn't stop there; he went on as if he was allowing all he wanted to say back then to come out. "I would not have been able to reach out, call, or talk to you. I'd be effectively dead to everyone in my life. Until the operation was over, or..."

But his words abandoned him, and he couldn't meet Buck's gaze. When Buck watched Caleb's anger, he felt his own anger begin to subside. But Caleb's anger was not intended at him, it was more about himself. Caleb hated himself for agreeing to the operation and even more for hurting him.

"Or what?" Buck spoke quietly, knowing that if he didn't get Caleb to confess what he was trying to say, it would only hurt him more. Buck could not help but want to help Caleb because he loved so much about him.

"Or whenever they found my body if they ever did." Caleb acknowledged, and Buck noticed his lip tremble slightly. Caleb had clearly been scared that this would be his fate during the operation. It hurt his heart to think of Caleb alone in a cartel-run house, knowing that one day could be his last.

Caleb was a worrier who constantly considered the worst-case scenario, no matter what happened. Caleb sat nestled against Buck's side during their flights to and from missions, making sure Buck's head rested against his chest or shoulder as if he needed a reminder that he was there. He hadn't lost him, and this wasn't a dream. He also wanted to be ready. He had planned his will, his funeral, and every other detail to ensure that if anything happened to him, it would be handled properly.

"Is this why you didn't tell me? Did you believe I would have stopped you from getting justice?" Buck asked, shaking slightly.  He needed to understand why Caleb kept this from him, and he understood Caleb's need to protect him. Protect him from the cartel, the operation, and the misery of waiting for the phone call informing him whether his fiancé was alive or dead.

Caleb wiped his nose with his hand before holding Buck's palm and saying, "There was no timeline on the operation Ev. I had no idea when I'd have enough to bring them down; no one knew, and I didn't want you to stay waiting for that long."

Buck shook his head briefly before turning away from Caleb and looking out the café's window, attempting to suppress his emotions. He couldn't believe Caleb wouldn't have thought to wait for him to come back. He would have waited years to be back with Caleb and would have done anything for him. And he would do the same thing now. He still loved the man, even though he had harmed him.

"I would have waited," Buck whispered.

He then felt Caleb's hand on his forearm, rubbing it as if to console him; turning back, he could see that Caleb loathed himself even more for causing this pain, but he also had a soft sad smile on his lips, despite the tears forming in the corner of Caleb's eyes. "I know you would have Evan," he said involuntarily, "but I couldn't do that to you."

Buck considered Caleb's words; Caleb had decided what was best for him without even speaking to him. Just as Bobby had done. He had chosen what was happening in his life without given him the opportunity to stand up for his own future. But he knew the difference between the two men: Caleb was clearly scared of what may happen to him if the Cartel discovered who he was, and for good cause.

Hell, if he had known what had happened to the Cartel's other victims, he would have done everything he could to protect those he loved. Bobby had held him back for selfish reasons, despite his desire not to hurt him. Bobby had simply wanted to control him, and when he refused, he proceeded to punish him.

"So, you left me?" Buck whispered.

Caleb bit his lips before he began: "I would rather suffer the pain knowing you are happy and moving on with your life than just sitting and waiting for me to come back or for the knock at the door from the Navy telling him that he was dead." Caleb clarified, but added, "I wanted you to live your life, Ev, not just exist in that limbo."

Buck's hackles rose at the last statement; he had never found happiness. Sure, he tried to act like it, like he had his life in order, but he never managed it. He was barely living, but he had been. He loved his job as a firefighter, but he was aware that the profession, like his career in the Navy, had an expiration date, and he had always considered what the future held for him.

It was why he wanted a family so that he could be loved for who he was rather than what he could do for them. He had thought he had found that family unit with the 118, but they had shown him that they didn't care for him. They saw him as a tool rather than a human being.

Buck jerked his hand away from Caleb's grasp, stunned by what he had just heard. "I DIDN'T THOUGH," Buck snapped, only to find he had also raised his voice. He then closed his eyes and took a deep breath, attempting to regain control of his emotions.

"I didn't just move on Caleb," Buck acknowledged, trying to contain his emotions and looking straight at Caleb this time. He wanted Caleb to realise how badly he'd hurt him. Caleb left on this mission, leaving him to do everything alone. "I hated myself; I thought I had done something wrong to make you leave. You destroyed my entire life, and you expected me to just go on? He asked, shaking his head.

He couldn't believe Caleb thought he could simply move on from him. He had been the love of his life, and his decision to leave had crushed him in ways he felt deeply ashamed of. "Steve had to move in with me so I wouldn't do something stupid." He admits.

"I just wanted you safe," Caleb stated as he began to play with his fingers, adding with a gulp, "It was better than the alternative," he muttered.

"What?" Buck inquired, perplexed.

"If the cartel had discovered who I was, they would have come after you; I needed the entire world to believe we were done. That…" Caleb began to explain but then stopped himself. Buck couldn't help but reach over the table and grab the man's hand as he went pale. He also moved the glass of water that was abandoned on the table towards him in case he needed it.

"Caleb…" Buck spoke quietly, brushing his thumb against the top of Caleb's hand. "What happened?" He asked quietly.

Caleb looked to be about to be sick from simply thinking about something. But before speaking, Caleb went for the glass of water and took a big swallow of the cold water. Caleb began to talk but couldn't stop shaking. "A Mexican Special Forces soldier tried to get into the cartel a year before they brought me in, and when they found out who he was, they…" But suddenly he stopped. As if he was too terrified to continue.

Buck continued to rub Caleb's hand as it appeared Caleb was about to shatter. Whatever Caleb had been withholding from him was beginning to break him on the inside. Was this the reason he had forced him away?

Caleb continued with a shaky breath, unable to look at Buck's face and instead staring at his hands, which appeared to be covered in something. "He was focused to watch them torture and kill his family before they buried him alive with their bodies."

Buck felt his body freeze and the colour drain from his face. He couldn't believe what he'd just learnt: the cartel had executed one of their Mexican brothers and his entire family as a message to anyone else who thought they could take them on. He'd heard about what the cartels did to rats and moles, but he couldn't believe it. The thought of the pain and slaying a family was difficult enough, but the idea of being buried alive beside his family's bodies and knowing that he had caused their deaths must have been a new kind of pain. Something he never wanted to see or hear about again.

"His wife, ten-year-old son and 3-month-old daughter," Caleb explained but then remained silent.

"Oh, God," Buck said quietly.

Buck looked around the café when he heard something drop to the floor and realised it was simply a toddler sitting at the counter, throwing his spoon and laughing about it. Thankfully, no one had overheard them, but when Buck returned his attention to Caleb, he noticed that he was practically shaking in his seat. He now understood why Caleb left him; he was scared that if he had been caught, they could have shared their fate.

Caleb sniffled before raising his head and looking at Buck, although it appeared that his head weighed a tone. "They weren't people to mess with Ev, and if they found out who I was then they would have gone after you and to think them doing that to you I couldn't do it."

Buck wanted to hug Caleb and tell him that he forgave him, that everything was fine, and that they could move on, but he couldn't. Caleb had hurt him, possibly with the best intentions, and he could not get over it. Not yet.

"So, you made the decision for us to leave?" Buck said, nodding his head. Part of him knew that Caleb knew he would never leave him on his own; even if he had come in and told him he was cheating on him, he would not have simply gone away. He would have wanted to know what happened, how it happened, and why. He asked questions that he knew would cause Caleb to slip up and disclose the truth. However, that could explain why he did what he did. He gave him no opportunity to protest. He had just packed up, told him it was done, and leave.

"I'd prefer you hate me for the rest of our lives than die if they caught me. I would rather hand myself over to them than allow you to end up like that." Caleb admitted.

And then they went silent again.

Buck felt as if his entire universe had come to a halt. He couldn't believe Caleb believed it was better for him to die knowing he hated him to protect him than to spend their greatest years together. They both talked about when they first got together about the fact, they both worked in professions that might ultimately lead to their deaths. That with every mission they have undertaken, one or both of them may not come home. But at the very least, they would know what happened to the other, and they would either be there for the other's final moments or know that they did not suffer. They'd even prepared for the possibility of both of them being killed at the same time. Joe had their request to be buried next to each other, or together if feasible, but had made him promise that he would not allow them to be separated. Steve had everything in writing as well. The Navy couldn't stop them.

Yet, with this type of operation, going deep cover meant that the loved ones left behind might never know what happened to their family members. That door would never be opened, and those families would never receive the answers they sought. Would he have been in that position if something had happened to Caleb? They were no longer together, but it didn't mean he stopped caring for him. Would he have had to live his life without knowing what had happened to Caleb?

"Caleb…" Buck began to speak but stopped when he realised how wobbly his voice sounded. It took him a few moments to get his emotions under control before proceeding. "Would have I been told if you…?" But he couldn't complete the question. The very concept of the question broke his heart much more than he had anticipated; he never wanted Caleb to be hurt and asking him if he would have been told that he had died stung him deeply.

Caleb leaned over the table and gently squeezed his hand. "Yes," he answered firmly, "the Navy would have contacted you, and I gave Joe my letter to give you if anything happened to me."

Caleb gazed down at their hands, which were tightly clasped as if by purpose. "I didn't want you to see whatever they did to me," he told me.

Buck felt his lip quiver and understood what Caleb meant; the cartel would not have been kind to him if they discovered he was a mole within their organisation. But the thought of what they would have done to Caleb lit a fire in him. He knew that if he found out who killed Caleb, he would have gone after each of them and done his worst. He wouldn't have cared if getting his retribution got him killed; he'd die satisfied knowing he killed those who had murdered his Caleb.

"Joe had his orders, he would handle the funeral so you wouldn't have to mainly so you wouldn't find out whatever they did to me, but you would have been told as much as you needed to know," commented Caleb. "I knew the risks when I agreed to the mission." He sighed at the conclusion.

Buck watched Caleb carefully as he finished; he felt grateful that Caleb had planned to let him know if anything happened to him, but he couldn't help but feel his anger rising again from the fact that Caleb had broken him so deeply, abandoned him, and then planned to leave him a bloody letter to explain everything. Who did that? But at the same time, he also understood it. At the very least, Caleb had given him the answers if the worst was to happen.

"Is it over now? Is that why you've come back, or do you have to go back?" Buck asked, playing with his now-cold drink while still clutching Caleb's hand. Despite everything, he couldn't let him go.

Caleb nodded, "I finished the operation nearly two years ago." He admitted.

Buck's eyes widened slightly as he froze. Had he heard that right? Caleb had finished nearly two years ago. Why had he waited to come and find him and tell him the truth?

Then panic set in: did Caleb not want to see him? Had he stayed away because he didn't want him or was afraid to confront him? Or had he stayed away because he'd found someone better, and he merely came to stop him from falling apart? Had Joe and Steve forced him to come and try to fix him so that when he left, he'd be in a better mental state to deal with everything else?

"What?" Buck muttered, but he couldn't finish his question; he wanted to know what Caleb meant when he said the operation was finished so long ago. Buck remembered travelling for about a year before arriving in Los Angeles and joining the fire department, where he had remained for nearly three years. Then, if he had it right, Caleb's operation ended when he became a full-fledged firefighter. So where had he been for the last two years?

Caleb sighed and looked out the window for the first time, as if he didn't want to admit this but knew he needed to. Buck did not want to compel Caleb to talk to him, but he also wanted to know.

"I spent 6 months in a safe house until the Navy and the CIA could confirm that we got them all and that I was safe…" Caleb began. Buck could feel himself shivering at the mention of the CIA; he knew a couple of agents and knew that it took a particular kind of person to do that job and that when it came to safety after a mission, they always did their best to ensure that no blowback fell on them.

"Then I spent two months debriefing with the Navy, DEA, and all other agencies involved. I lost my rag on a few of them, but I made it through." Caleb added a small laugh as he mentioned what he did while debriefing.

Buck smiled as well; he remembered Caleb's behaviour during their debriefing, which only worsened when he was hungry, tired, hurt, or all the above. Even more so if he had been the one injured. Caleb always attached to him like glue after a mission, especially if he had been injured. Even if it was simply a scratch, Caleb would insist on delaying the debriefing until he had it checked. Normally, this only let them recompress a little more before the brass began to breathe down their necks.

"I had to go through all the tests and doctor's appointments that the brass required," Caleb said with a slight shrug. Buck felt slightly better knowing that the brass had at least cared for Caleb when he returned. Did the cartel hurt Caleb at all? Buck was aware that they would most likely request blood tests to confirm that there was nothing in them that may harm him in the long run, but he was also aware of the damage that stress can cause to the human body. He was a walking textbook on it. Did the same thing happen to Caleb? Buck couldn't help but look over Caleb to see if he could detect any marks.

"When I finally got some leave, I..." Caleb added but then stopped. As if what he needed to say was just as awful as admitting that he had committed to a huge deep cover op behind his back.

Caleb returned his gaze to him and began to fiddle with his fingers like he did when he was worried about saying something. "I came looking for you," he muttered.

"What?" Buck asked softly.

Buck started to think back to every scene he had worked on and the place he had visited to see if he could see Caleb standing in the crowd. But he couldn't. He had never seen Caleb. However, had Caleb done that on purpose? Had he stayed away so that he wouldn't disrupt his new life? In some ways, he was pleased that things were going well during that time. However, then Buck's brain stopped working. Had Caleb been there when everything fell apart? Did he have a front-row seat as he destroyed his new life?

"You went looking for me?" Buck asked timidly as if he didn't want an answer, but he couldn't stop himself.

Caleb grasped his hand tightly as he continued, "Of course I did, Ev," he replied, and Buck knew he meant it. Caleb sighed and rubbed his thumb across Buck's hand without realising what he was doing. "But when I found you, you looked happy," Caleb explained. "You'd reinvented yourself away from the Navy, from me and I didn't want to mess that up for you."

Buck considered Caleb's statements. For a while, he was happy. Happy working in LA with the 118, whom he had mistaken for his family. To be fair, he thought at the time he had everything under control, that he had found his new life until he messed everything up. There was a part of his brain that thought that if Caleb had shown himself, given him the closure he wanted, and had some more support, he would have been able to work things out with Bobby and the 118 and not had to call Steve for help.

But he knew he couldn't think that way; Doctor Copeland had told him so. He had to live in the present moment while looking forward to the future. There was no point looking back now.

"So, you stayed away?" Buck enquired softly.

"I thought that would be for the best," Caleb confessed.

Buck felt his heart crack somewhat, screaming for him to tell Caleb that he wished he had come to talk to him sooner. So, they could get things fixed sooner, and yet he understood Caleb's idea. A lot had happened between them, so if he had suddenly appeared on him, it might have exacerbated the situation. Maybe until he lost the family, he believed he had built, he wouldn't have given Caleb the time of day to tell him the truth.

Buck nodded, letting Caleb know he understood what he was saying; he also knew that if Caleb showed up at the 118 unexpectedly, he would have to explain everything about his past. To explain how he had lied to them about all his odd jobs, how he had a successful Navy career, and how he had more chest metal than Eddie. He could practically picture Chimney's face when it came out; he wasn't the foolish college dropout Chimney liked to claim he was.

He also wouldn't be surprised if Bobby reported him for trying to pass himself off as a Navy veteran, which was sort of humorous given that it was in his file. But perhaps that would have made everything worse. He wouldn't be surprised if Maddie used his danger of PTSD to exert control over him. She would most likely try to have him sectioned and held in a facility for the rest of his life while she enjoyed his money.

Buck then looked up at Caleb again, noticing that he was clearly struggling to talk about all of this, and he kind of understood. He had spent the previous two years trying to cope with whatever happened while he was undercover with the cartel. He'd worked undercover before and knew that the really awful jobs often left a mark; he couldn't help but wonder what scars Caleb had. This cartel used children, and Caleb had always been protective of them, so doing what he had to do to collect the evidence they needed must have destroyed a part of him.

However, he remembered how Caleb had left him. Caleb had very little emotion on his face when he did it, as if he had bottled up all his emotions so he could do it and now was something he regretted. But Buck couldn't help but remember those words; they were seared into his memory, and he wasn't sure if he'd ever be able to get them out completely. Even if he now understood why he had done it.

"Did you mean it?" Buck inquired, breaking the silence that had developed between them.

Caleb looked up at him, puzzled, and Buck realised he'd need to explain his train of thought. "Any of the things you said to me as you were leaving? Did you mean them?"

Caleb's face flashed with shock and pain, but Buck already had a response. He should have realised that Caleb, the guy he loved unconditionally, was lying to him back then. Perhaps if he had a clearer head on his shoulders back then, he could have compelled Caleb to tell him about the trust. Or, once he had calmed down, he should have pieced together the clues that told him something else was happening when Caleb left. But he hadn't; instead, he'd let his emotions get the best of him, and here he was.

"God, Evan. No. I just..." Caleb began to speak, clutching his hand even tighter now. But then, with a short inhale, he added, as if unsure if he wanted to accept what he had said: "I just had to get you to hate me enough to stay away."

That comment got to Buck, and he wondered if Caleb just thought he had a few bad days and then moved on afterwards. That was unfair. Did Caleb not realise that when he said he was his life, he truly meant it? Buck couldn't help but chuckle at Caleb's comment, not a pleasant laugh, but a hollow chuckle that let Caleb know he was pissed.

"You know, I tried to kill myself that night," Buck continued, shaking his head and pulling his hand away from Caleb as if the fact that he was touching him pained him more than anything he had said. He hated admitting he was this weak, but he needed Caleb to understand that his words had broken him in more ways than he could possibly comprehend. 

"Steve stopped me…" Buck said, thinking about how Steve had basically saved his life for the hundredth time. He could never thank his brother enough for that. Steve had fed him, made him drink, washed him, and done all in his power to keep him from sliding deeper into the darkness. "But for a few weeks afterwards that's all I wanted to do." He admits.

He despised admitting that he had considered suicide. This was why the promise had come into effect. To keep him alive. Buck sometimes hated himself for making that promise and sometimes prayed that whatever god was keeping him alive would just leave him alone and let him die. And that was the terrifying part. Caleb had devastated him so deeply that he wanted to die. He had never imagined life without him. They had planned their future down to the last detail, and Caleb had destroyed everything by walking away.

"You made me think everything we had together was nothing," Buck said quietly, feeling tears well up in his eyes as he reflected on the life he could have had. "That I was nothing," he said quietly, not sure whether Caleb heard him, but he didn't care. He needed to say it for himself.

"And I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you," Caleb replied firmly, extending out his hand but not taking Buck's hand, instead leaving it on the table beside it. Giving Buck the option if he wanted to take it or not. Buck was aware that he had done this so that he would not feel forced to be touched, but rather as a peace offering, allowing him to take his hand if he wanted to.

"I don't know …" Buck began to speak, but he inwardly scolded himself as his voice sounded childish. He wasn't sure what he wanted anymore. He believed that hearing Caleb's justification for leaving would make him hate him much more, making it much simpler to walk away. But that had not happened. Instead, it had grown his feelings for him. Sure, he had been a touch selfish, but he understood it. Caleb valued his family above all else, and he desired vengeance while yet wanting to protect him from it.

Buck reached out and took Caleb's outstretched hand without thinking, not knowing why, but he needed to hold at least part of Caleb to remind himself that this was all real. That he wasn't dreaming and that what he had been told was the truth. He also understood he needed time to think things over. He knew Caleb wasn't lying to him. But he knew that if he told Sam and Steve what he'd been told, Sam would recruit whoever he worked for to validate Caleb's story, and Steve would rage at Joe over the phone for lying to him for so long. This was going to be interesting.

"It's okay, Ev if you want some time," Caleb replied softly, and Buck knew he was giving him a way out.

"I want you in my life, Caleb. Maybe not in the same way as previously, but I...I miss you," Buck attempted to explain. He didn't want an out; he had too much history with Caleb, and while it would take some time to regain the trust he had lost, he didn't want to lose him again. He had lost too many people to death, lies, and abandonment. He didn't want to lose him too. Even after causing him so much pain, he would not do it again.

"I miss you, too, Ev," Caleb whispered softly, rubbing his thumb on Buck's hand.

Buck paused before saying, "Maybe we could start trying to be friends first…" But suddenly he stopped. Could they return to being just friends? Can he do it? He didn't want to lose Caleb; he loved him, but he knew that if he just went back into a relationship, he wouldn't be able to truly trust that Caleb wouldn't abandon him. He questioned each gesture or word he made, which was not conducive to a good relationship. He wouldn't want that for Caleb, who had made a mistake and admitted it. He couldn't simply tell Caleb he wanted a relationship and then treat him that way.

"I would like that, Ev," Caleb responded with a smile.

Buck could not help but smile back. Perhaps they could become friends? But then he remembered who he had slept with and dated. He had moved on; he hadn't really loved any of them as much as he did Caleb, but that didn't mean Caleb hadn't. Sure, he may have slept with people while undercover. But he'd been free for two years; had he met someone new? Had Caleb abandoned his new boyfriend or maybe husband at home while trying to help him? Was urging Caleb to stay and restore their friendship going to hurt him in the long run?

He wasn't sure how he'd manage it if that happened. He knew Joe had probably forced him to come to Hawaii to help him, but he might have had to leave someone behind. Had Caleb told his new partner that he was leaving to help one of his former brothers or his ex? He didn't want Caleb to lie to them if he had. He didn't want to cause Caleb any more trouble.

"You don't have to get back to anything or anyone…?" Buck asked. He needed to know; if the answer was yes, he would tell Caleb to go back and that they could communicate via Facetime or text messages until he could come back and visit him, or he would go to him. However, he wasn't sure how long he could keep doing it; seeing Caleb happy was everything to him but seeing him happy with someone else would break him.

Caleb listened intently, and when he uttered 'anyone', he aggressively shook his head, as if he was trying to get the thought out of his head before speaking. "No Ev, there isn't anyone." He said plainly as he held Buck's hand slightly. "I'm not going to lie to you, there have been a few hookups and a few first dates, but they never went anyway," Caleb added.

"Same," Buck answered, clearing his throat. He wanted to be honest with Caleb. Tell him about his hookups and even his attempts to date women. But then he heard Steve's voice in his brain telling him that he didn't owe Caleb anything and didn't have to tell him he had attempted to move on.

He had been the one who left him, yet he couldn't help himself. He cared too much about Caleb to ever lie to him; he knew it sounded ridiculous, but it was how he felt. "I tried to date but…" He then paused. How did he tell Caleb that he had secretly compared everyone he had ever dated to him? That he chose that guy to sleep with because he reminded him of himself. How lame was that?

He cleared his throat again and looked down at his hands, whispering, "They weren't you."

They grew silent as Caleb caressed Buck's hand, which he still held. Buck knew he had heard his last comment, but he couldn't meet Caleb's gaze. He didn't want to see the pity in Caleb's eyes. He must sound ridiculous to declare to his ex that he had not moved on since he still loved him. He had just scared Caleb off.

"Why don't we take this day by day?" Caleb finally replied, breaking the silence.

Buck looked up and saw Caleb smiling lovingly at him, but before he could speak, Caleb said, "There is no time limit on this, so we don't have that pressure. The Navy doesn't expect me back for a while." Caleb explained.

"Are you sure?" Buck asked softly; he did not want Caleb to put his life on hold for him.

"I want to do this, Ev," Caleb said, but he stopped massaging his palm and squeezed it strongly. Buck stared at Caleb's face and spotted something that flashed across it. A sense of uncertainty. But for what? He didn't understand why Caleb was unsure about what he was offering.

"I don't want…" Caleb began to speak but stopped himself, sighing loudly. He ran his free hand through his hair before saying, "I don't want you to think that you owe me this second chance because of your past." Buck noticed a little tremor in his voice as he talked. He could understand Caleb's worry; he had considered the possibility himself. Was he agreeing to work on friendship merely to avoid losing Caleb again? But then he recognised he wasn't being selfish by wanting Caleb in his life. He just wanted his friend back. Yes, Caleb had a lot to make up for, but he wanted to give him the chance.

"I know I have a lot to make up for," Caleb said, softly playing with Buck's hand before continuing, "and I will do everything in my power to show you that I am not about to disappear again, that I am here to stay if that is what you want," Caleb admitted.

Buck glanced carefully at Caleb, wondering if he could read his mind as he could when they were together. Of course, he worried about Caleb leaving again. He had just gotten him back, but he knew he could not be selfish. He needed to follow Caleb's wishes while also acknowledging his own thoughts.

He'd always sat back and let things happen around him, even when he didn't want them to. He had sat back and let Caleb leave him, allowed Bobby to try to dominate him, and then let his sister try to control him again. He had to stand up for himself. And right now, he wanted Caleb back in his life. Even if he had hurt him in the past.

But before Buck could respond, his phone buzzed, and the screen lit up with a text message from the coral and fish company Steve had found for him. He had not expected Rick to text him so soon. The text just asked him if he was available at 2:20 pm so he could begin the work.

Rick was a native Hawaiian who began his own fish and coral business to try to stop the theft of wild corals and fish from the ocean. He had been breeding fish and corals for years and was well known in the community for creating small ecosystems in people's homes with the agreement that he could come in and monitor the system to ensure that it ran smoothly, and with the understanding that he could come during his check-ups and harvest small amounts of the corals if they overgrew in the tank so that he could sell them on at a discount to them.

He had phoned Rick to tell him what he had planned for the tank, including the measurements and eco-system he preferred. Rick had said that he could come in two weeks to begin the process of establishing his eco-system, but he promised to contact him if there were any cancellations on his books as a thank you to Steve for his help.

This text indicated that his tank would be completed earlier than expected. He understood that creating a living reef was not a cheap or quick way to build a tank. Sure, he could do it faster if he used an artificial reef, but that wasn't his goal. He wanted a touch of the Hawaiian Coast in his living room. That's why he wanted to work with a local company that bred the fish rather than taking them from the ocean, as he was aware that some other companies did. Rick had already designed the tank's size and promised to show it to him when they met. This visit was to inspect the tank's structure (which Buck knew was right because Rick had designed the tank himself for an artificial tank, but he needed to be certain before signing off on the work), replace any broken equipment, and set up the lighting and water flow equipment required for the corals.

Rick had stated that following that, he could begin to build the substrate and living rocks before filling the tank to the point where they could test the systems for any problems.  But he did indicate that it would be scheduled for their next visit since he needed to make sure that if he needed to order any larger elements, he would get them on time. It would take at least a few weeks before he could add fish and corals to his tank, but the wait would be worth it. He had seen Rick's work and realised he needed to trust the process. Fortunately, his sofa was made with wheels so that they could easily move it while working, and all the equipment was under the stairs, which had a door leading to it.

Buck had checked the plant room for the tank when he visited the house, and it was well maintained with sufficient ventilation and lighting, allowing everything to be checked without having to seek it. He understood that to have a living reef, they would need to add to the system. But that's what he wanted. He had told Rick that he didn't care about the expense; he just wanted the best tank he could get.

Buck looked at the message and wanted to tell him he'd be there to start his tank. But then he stopped himself because he was afraid to leave Caleb or let the other man out of his sight in case, he disappeared on him again. He knew Caleb had sworn not to do it, but he couldn't stop himself from worrying.

"You need to go?" Caleb enquired, his voice breaking through his thoughts.

Buck looked up and sighed, "I've invited a friend of Steve's to come look at the fish tank I'm using to make a live reef. He just messaged me to let me know that he and his team are available to begin work today."

As Buck explained, he noticed a warm smile appear on Caleb's face, which only encouraged him to continue. He didn't want Caleb to think he was simply dumping him for a fish tank. It sounded impolite to him, and if he could sit and talk to Caleb longer, he would gladly take the opportunity. However, he also wanted to get his tank in order.

"Accept it then; you've always loved the water," Caleb added, indicating to Buck's phone. Caleb had always known he loved the ocean, and they had planned to get married near or on a beach somewhere to express their love for the water. However, that had never happened.

"Are you sure?" Buck asked uncomfortably.

Caleb laughed briefly and shook his head before speaking. "I'm sure, Ev. I'd like to see it when it's finished," Caleb added with a smile.

Buck couldn't help but smile and nod in response, texting Rick that he was available at that time. As he closed the messaging app, he noted the time: it was almost 12 p.m., and he had messages from Steve, Sam, and Danny, all checking in on him and asking if he needed anything. He hadn't realised how quickly time had passed while talking with Caleb about everything. But it was usually the case when he and Caleb started talking.

"We could meet up for lunch another day if you want?" Caleb enquired, and Buck could see a hopeful gleam in his eyes, prompting him to nod in agreement. He wanted to strengthen their relationship, and he thought going out for lunch a few times and taking some trips would help.

"I'd like that," Buck eventually said as he reached behind him to retrieve his jacket, and Caleb followed his lead.

Buck waved goodbye to the staff as they wished him a happy day. As they went out onto the street, Buck realised he wanted to ask Caleb if he was interested in joining him. But he realised it was too early for that. Not yet anyhow. As much as he wanted to show Caleb his new house, he realised he needed to maintain it as his safe place.

He had foolishly ignored that rule so many times that he got into trouble because people assumed they could come to his house and tell him what to do. He promised himself he would not do that here. His home was his, and he decided who could enter it. Sure, he had given Steve a key, but only because he trusted his brother enough to know that he would never breach his promise to only use it in emergencies. But he'd been the only one. Of course, he was aware that he needed to provide keys and codes to the businesses that he hired to work on his home. Fortunately, the groundskeepers and pool maintenance crews did not require access to the property and could use the side gate, to which Nick had intended to install a key code lock that he could program to give every company a separate code so that there was a log on who accessed it for further security.

When they went outside, Caleb turned to look at him, and Buck drew him into a hug, which Caleb embraced and hugged back. Buck's eyes welled up with tears as he felt Caleb's arms around him again. He missed being in Caleb's arms, and he had to draw away before breaking down.

"Thank you for telling me the truth," Buck said, attempting to control his voice and hide his feelings from him. He knew Caleb could have lied to him or refused to tell him the truth, but he didn't. He admitted to everything. And he was grateful for that.

"Thank you for listening to me," Caleb said, putting his hands back into his pocket to avoid shifting them.

"I will text you," Buck said, showing him his phone, which he still had in his hand after Rick had responded to him, saying he would see him then.

"Of course, whenever you are ready, Ev," Caleb responded with a smile.

They said their goodbyes with another hug, which Buck had to pull away from it to come to an end. He did not want to see Caleb walk away from him again, so he left first. He walked up to Steve's truck, climbed in, and watched Caleb wave him off as he drove away.

As he approached his house, he couldn't help but remember how badly he wanted to kiss Caleb as he stood in front of him. God, did he miss him.

But as he drove near his driveway gate, he couldn't help but reflect on what Caleb had told him. Sure, it was dumb, and he had committed to a mission out of anger. But he had done everything possible to protect those he cared about. Sure, he had broken his heart, but now that he saw Caleb, he realised that walking away had also destroyed his own heart.

Buck understood as he drove that this could be his chance to get all he ever wanted. He was prepared to fight for it now. He wasn't ready to let his happiness disappear again. Of course, they had a lot of work to do to re-establish trust, but their love for each other remained strong. He knew that.

He was prepared to fight for himself because he knew that few people would do it for him just now. He needed to fight. And he planned too.