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Merry Christmas, Please Don't Call by Swaggy_Severus
Fandoms: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
09 Jan 2026
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Summary
James Potter struggles to find redemption as he goes through the motions of life after Severus Snape's untimely suicide.
Severus's mother, Eileen Snape has given James a series of tapes that Severus had recorded while at Hogwarts, wishing to give her son's "friend" some closure.
A journey of sorrow, grief, discovery and most of all redemption.
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Le pregunté a Lily si este sentimiento desaparecería alguna vez. Dijo que no. Y en ese frágil momento, me aplastó. Pero ahora me doy cuenta de que le estaba preguntando si alguna vez te irías. Porque este sentimiento eres tú. Eres lo que me detiene la respiración. Eres lo que me pone triste, enojada y cansada. Eres lo que me hace bailar sola hasta que me duelen los pies. Eres lo que me hace reír y llorar en compartimentos de tren al azar. Así que creo que llevaré esta pequeña parte de ti conmigo dondequiera que vaya. Empezaré un programa de becas de pociones bajo tu nombre Construiré un jardín y decoraré la casa con los lirios blancos que amabas. Lucharé en una guerra contra fascistas cabezas duras por todos los niños como tú. Seré auror e iré a cenas y aprenderé a preparar pociones como tú. Te recordaré hasta que mi corazón se rinda y sea viejo y ciego como un murciélago. Sería el mayor honor.
Lo siento, Severus. Lamento las cartas que la vida te dio. Lamento las cosas feas que te he hecho. Lamento que tuvieras todas las de perder. Lamento que nunca fuéramos amigos. Lamento haberte llamado feo. Lamento que pensaras que no podías escapar de ello. Lamento que las botellas llegaran a tu padre. Lamento que no vuelvas a bailar con tu madre en la cocina. Lamento que estuvieras cansado.
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He thought about doing it here. He thought about submerging himself and never coming back up for air. He quickly shook the thought out of his head. He did not want to make a mess. He did not want blood splatters or water splashes or a rope dangling from the ceiling; it would be too much of a burden for the people who were going to remove his corpse. He was going to pass cleanly, without any fuss or struggle.
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This was the neatest he was ever going to look... He looked healthy, rejuvenated and ready to die. He wanted to pass clean and respectable. After a life of much humiliation, he was justified in seeking a dignified death, even if it was at his own hand.
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“I thought it’d be different here...You said it’d be different here mum.” Severus reached forward and with one flick, switched off the camera.... James thought that maybe this is when it had started. Maybe this is when Severus had started to give up on life.
James cried himself to sleep on the hardwood floor that night... What could he do now except cry?
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“Same old Perfect Potter. Can't admit to his mistakes. He just leaves them to die instead.”
“Please stop.”, James pleaded quietly.
“Why? You didn't.”
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Da once told me that God does not forgive liars. And from that moment on, I promised myself I would never lie again. I vowed to lead an honest existence, no matter the cost. In my effort to not lie to others, however, I ended up lying to myself. I convinced myself that I could be more than this - more than the drunken beatings or unbearable solitude, more than the poor half blood destined to be a death eater.
And for a while I did try. I studied relentlessly, got all O's, crafted new spells, invented and improved on a few potions, wrote a myriad of essays for myself and others, fixed my posture, washed my hair with a new shampoo, and even befriend someone new.
But no matter what I did, the rot persisted. It was a solid emptiness in my chest that never left, like someone had taken a shovel to my insides.
And I don't blame anybody. I'm not angry at anybody. I'm not angry at the world or myself. I'm not sad or happy. I'm just tired. And sleeping doesn't help.
Maybe I was born rotten or maybe I was infected with it along the line. Either way, it was still in me. It was me.
Truth is, it was always going to end up this way. Da was always going to drink himself into an early grave and I was always going to follow him.
And I knelt before God's altar. I prayed so hard and so much. I drank the blood and bit the meat. But I'm so tired of praying.
So I think I'll just rest for now.
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“Why do you want forgiveness so desperately, James? Is it because you don’t like feeling guilty – knowing that you have hurt a person willingly and that might have lead to his death or because you feel actual remorse?”
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“We can be good again, James. We can be, good.”
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Time moved as slow as dripping molasses. And I wasn’t complaining. You may find this a weird thing to say, but I enjoy dreaming of you. It’s nice to hear your voice again. You always had a unique one. It was deep and quiet and when you yelled, it was thunderous but you did it so little that when it happened, I would be more excited than annoyed. But you stopped yelling towards the end. Do you remember, Severus? How calm you were before it happened. I wish you'd yelled at me that day by the lake, when I threw your stuff into the water. I wish you could come back and yell at me forever.
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They all bowed their heads. I don't know if it was in respect or shame. And for exactly a minute, I could breathe. Because I didn’t have to carry it alone. They were all feeling it too. It was happening to everybody, what had been happening to me.
And I thought of God. I thought of heaven and hell. I thought of sinners and saints. I thought of all these wonderful, fantastical things you believed in – that you loved so wholly. What does your bible say about people like me? What does it say about people like you? Will I go to heaven or hell? I want God to come down and speak to me, tell me why he took you. I want him to explain why he made me the way I am. And why he made you the way you are. I suppose, like everything else, I won’t ever know.
Then, they rose up and clapped. They applauded you – a dead boy. I wonder if they would have clapped as hard had you been alive and walking that stage in your green robes.
Do you see, Severus? You passed us all... You would have healed the world. You were not rotten. You were beautiful. You were the very best of us.