Archive of Our Own ^beta

There has always been, will always be, a pressure in Jax's chest.

Like a living, breathing mound of flesh, curling up atop his lungs and hissing. A scared little rabbit, he remembered calling it. Memories of life before...this...were blurry. But he remembered sharp, painful intakes of air, coughing over a bathroom sink and feeling bile rise in his throat. He remembered someone pressing their fingertips to his shoulder, him darting away with a sharp inhale. He remembered baring his teeth and snarling. He remembered laughing bitterly and saying 'blame the fucking bunny rabbit'.

The pressure in his chest was a rabbit, small frail and scared.

It never quite left.

Now, he knew, from a realistic perspective, there wasn't a writhing mass of fur and flesh within his body. He knew his lungs weren't being held down by long, floppy ears or thumping feet. Knowing that didn't make it any less real.

He lashed out.

It was the bunny rabbit.

He bared his teeth and growled.

It was the bunny rabbit.

He ran away.

It was the bunny rabbit.

------

Jax watched, lungs writhing dangerously, as the other circus members lived. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck this shit.

It matters, little bunny rabbit. The rabbit purrs. He barely knows if it's a rabbit anymore. Maybe it's a hissing, fleshy mass of mouths and eyes and teeth and tongues, squirming about in his gut and burrowing into his diaphragm, maybe it's a dog. A scared, violent dog preying on the rabbit. Canines too big for its mouth, buried into the rabbit's skin and breaking bones, hissing and snarling as saliva dripped from its maw.

Jax winced at the phantom pain, at the way he could see muscles and sinew and gross bits of flesh sticking together.

He isn't human isn't human isn't human-

-no one here is.

...why is he pretending? Why is he so adamant that this is a bad thing? Why is he so determined to ruin everything?

Why is Pomni (no no no no no no no no that's not fair not fair you can't do this no no no) trying so hard to get him to...admit something? Why can't she back off, why does the rabbit-dog-monster crave her attention?

You pushed her away, you hurt us- Jax fought the urge to hump his feet, bite his hand until he fucking bled, until Caine made him feel like a person. The creature, beast inside of his screeched. We wanted her, want want wanted her. You selfish little bunny rabbit, bring her back-

Jax felt his eyes twitch, pupils dilating until the yellow of his eyes were tiny slivers. He felt his muscles seize suddenly, felt the lungs he didn't have burn as the rabbit-dog tore into them.

This wasn't real. The rabbit-dog-creature wasn't real.

Maybe it was. Maybe he should care but he doesn't, he doesn't and he won't lie. He is not a plaything, he is not a person.

Pull out your teeth. They are yellow they are-disgusting. Dirty. Gross. He should rip out the tiny little shapes, enamel and plaque coating his fingers like blood, matting his fur together. He should bury his too-sharp fingernails into the gums, ripping out each individual nerve ending and shoving it down his throat. He should shove his thumb to the back of his eyes, pressing down on the back of the socket until his eyeball popped out, yellowed and bloody. He should rip out his tongue, he should make an incision through his chest and tear out the rabbit-dog whispering to him.

But he doesn't.

He sits. Watches. Waits.

He watches as Gangle and Zooble talk like humans, like they aren't trapped in hell. He watches the way they touch each other lightly and don't run or cower or stiffen, don't shake or fight back or raise their hackles. He watches because they look happy and it's so fake it hurts.

Jax is the mean one. He is not the funny one, he's not the fan-favourite, he is not a person. He is mean and gross. He's the rabbit-dog, thumping its feet and baring its teeth.

He watches Ragatha chat to Kinger, he watches the senile chess piece talk and talk about bugs and lose track of the conversation because his wife is gone gone gone and he can't handle it. Jax watches them converse, watches the way the ragdoll smiles wide (too wide, the rabbit-dog hisses) and the way she clasps her hands together too tightly.

The rabbit-dog purrs, a sickeningly wet sound from within its chest. She's fake rip her heart out pop her eyes out chew her bones like sticks-the rabbit-dog doesn't stop. Constant little reminders.

Medical practices.

He was no doctor, sent into this fucked up circus well before anyone could've finished medical school (he's 22 holy shit he's 22 how did he get here?), nor did he have a desire to be one. Despite that, the rabbit-dog liked to pretend he knew where major arteries were. Liked to pretend he could be given a human, told to cut out their liver, and get it first try.

It liked to remind him what he could do to himself here. How creative he could get.

How far are you willing to go? It purred.

Jax hadn't answered that, gritting his teeth and smiling smiling smiling.

------

The sink under his gloves was cold. He wanted to crack it, he wanted it to fucking die and he wanted to die and he wanted-

-he wanted the rabbit-dog to stop.

It liked Pomni. Or as close to like as it could get, he supposed. It curled in on itself, fangs showing through its wet, sloppy lips and its fuzzy ears pressed to its skull. It liked Pomni, and it bit the things it liked.

Or Jax did? He wasn't sure anymore.

He's a bad person. He knows that, from every feasible angle, he's a bad person. He wants his organs to spool out, a puddle on the ground, he wants the disgusting bodily fluids to stop flowing through him, making his hands slick as he tore out every part of himself.

He is a bad person.

But the rabbit-dog likes Pomni, and Pomni thinks he's good and the rabbit-dog likes her, not him, but Jax knows it and he knows it's scared because it knows him back and they both know this'll hurt. Maybe the rabbit-dog cares about him in some sick, horrible way, because it bites when it thinks he'll be hurt.

So he bit her, and the rabbit-dog screamed with something so full of rage and wrongness and Jax wanted to get rid of this.

The sink is cold.

His lungs spasm weakly, pupils flickering in and out and the rabbit-dog is so loud.

Delusional little rabbit keep dighting back, fight back fight back, you hurt her you hurt us but fight fight fight back or you will die. Run little rabbit, run like the scared bunny you are-

Jax gasped sharply, he could feel the rabbit-dog digging its claws and teeth and fear into him, so much fear and anxiety and it thrummed. His entire body shook with something akin to excitement, hatred, bubbling up inside of himself and leaking out of his organs like the last bit of sanity he had left, he breathed in and out.

In and out in and out-

The rabbit-dog snarled, hissed, thrashed.

Jax could feel his lungs spasm and feel his organs squelch to make room for the rabbit-dog, and oh.

Oh god no Pomni.

She was standing in the doorway with her eyes open in disgust horror no no no-

-the rabbit-dog writhed, tore through his muscles and fat and pressed into his skin. He didn't have organs, he didn't have muscles he wasn't real wasn't real-

Pomni raised her hands up. A surrender. She approached like one would a wounded animal, the rabbit-dog hissing for Jax to run fight hide freeze flight flight flight. The grumbling low and wrong, so horribly wrong it hurt.

Her gloved hands were blurred, too many fingers too much detail, and Jax could feel his pupils thrash like the rabbit-dog, a glitched mess of nothing.

She was talking, but the static was so loud and the rabbit-dog screamed with a ferocity Jax didn't trust, didn't want, the static just wouldn't stop. The ringing, the static, did he have tinnitus he couldn't deal with this-

Pomni was walking over, footsteps carefully soft and confused and hesitant because how do you deal with someone who's paused in motion, shaking violently as their lungs bleed out from claw wounds caused by their brain? How do you comfort someone built of monstrosity?

The rabbit-dog hissed, the sound dark and disgusting in Jax's brain and he wanted to bite it. He wanted to fight back-

Pomni took a step too close and he bolted.

Darting into the far corner, hunched under the sinks and curled in on himself, teeth bared, ears back, hackles raised. A dog. A dog a dog a dog an animal.

She flinched, her hands darting close to her chest as she continued to walk. Jax snapped his teeth, he was an animal and he was going to fucking show it.

She was talking, the words slipping and out of his brain like sludge, slow and mechanical as he pressed it a wall and shook. He was tensed, coiled up and ready to bolt like the bunny rabbit he was, ready to run away run away run away.

Stay. Don't leave her behind, stay stay stay-

Jax wonders how different abstraction is to death. He wonders how different it is to this, how awful it could be compared to his lungs giving in on themself and the rabbit-dog tearing through the pleural sack keeping his fleshy organs stable.

He shakes violently, Pomni's hands tremble just as much, she looks scared and she's approaching a dangerous beast. She's approaching an evil, disgusting stain on the bathroom floor, fighting as he hisses and claws at her to back away. The rabbit-dog mutters, the voice, the voice split into two-

Run away, run away, run away. Twitch your nose and run little rabbit, thump your foot and run away run away-

Bite her back. Bare your teeth and snarl little rabbit, bite her bite her-

Jax stays backed into a corner, teeth bared and ears pushed back and poised to strike and run and collapse all at once when-

Pomni sits in front of him. 1 or 2 metres away, his vision is too fuzzy to make out the exact distance, but she sits. Her hands are still raised, but her voice stands out in the static. Not decipherable, but there. Grounding.

She smiles.

He snarls.

The rabbit-dog is one voice again, hissing and shaking and violent, but it's not tearing up his organs. Merely settling atop them yet again, too much space taken up to breathe clearly but not violent. An uncomfortable, yet familiar, pressure. Jax's sternum aches with it as the rabbit-sog dozes off, quieter and buried deep within him yet again.

His lungs spasm weakly, and he glares at Pomni.

She's smiling, but it seems strained, and she's fiddling. "Hey...can you hear me now?"

Jax snaps his teeth in response, still shaking off the tingly feeling. She flinches, and the rabbit-dog threatens to rear its ugly head again until Jax stares into the dirtied bathroom ceiling and forces it away. It huffs, collapsing back.

His lungs heave one final time and he glares at Pomni.

"[####] off." He hissed, leaning his head on the wall behind him. "Drop the saviour complex, would ya? Didn't I tell you earlier--I am the mean one. I am not your friend, you are my plaything."

The words made the rabbit-dog stir, and Jax forced it to quiet. Forced the sniffles and clacking teeth quiet.

"I don't...believe that. Not fully." Pomni said, quiet and hesitant.

Jax scrambled to his feet, the rabbit-dog darting awake and snarling at its disturbed slumber. He towered over Pomni, hissing and drooling slobber like the animal he is, bared his teeth and he bit. "How many times will I have to tell you...I am not a damsel in distress, I am an [###]hole!"

The words were sharp, echoing around as the rabbit-dog snarled its agreement, greasy paws flexing. Not human not human, wrong wrong wrong

Pomni flinched, scrambling back suddenly. She was scared. The rabbit whined, hiding away within Jax's organs, the dog snarled and bit and fought to escape, sick enjoyment and Jax-

-Jax paused. He paused, hand shaking softly.

He's an animal.

Soft, maniacal laughter. Sickening, gross, wrong, bubbled up in his throat.

He shoved past Pomni's shaking form, slamming the bathroom door on the way out.

------

Jax hunched in on himself, bile building up behind his teeth. He couldn't throw up, not in the circus, but damn if he wanted to. He wanted to drag the blood-slicked organs from within him, noddle-like and wet with bodily fluids.

He wanted the rabbit-dog to get out.

He wanted everything to get out.

...

The day after Pomni found him in the bathroom, he put a gun-shaped enamel pin he'd forced Caine to give him in her room. A small note next to it, with a cartoon rabbit scrawled across and a message written in blue ink.

'Watching you be chaotic and mean was kinda funny ngl >:P