Chapter Text
Azula stared out at the ocean, unseeing and lost in thought as she pondered on her next move. She had more options than she was used to, more freedom than she had cupped in her hands before.
And yet… she could not help but feel the tightening of a cage, feel the edges of metal snapping into place around her.
She was still of use as a leashed and snarling dog, she knew, even as in the back of her head a voice whispered, Zuzu wouldn't do that.
She thought she had known what Zuko would do. She thought- she had held fast to a lot of notions, and now, on the brink of losing everything, she was hesitant to stake the lives of Mai or Ty Lee on it. She could, and would, continue to suffer, and she would do so with grace.
Her flesh was mottled with disappointment and rage enough for the three of them already.
She turned from the ocean, shivering once even as she stood under the strong noontime sun.
She was not used to the cold of the North, and though she had not spoken it, she knew that Ty Lee and Mai could read her unwillingness to allow herself to enjoy it. But, despite that, she couldn't help herself - she enjoyed the sharp cold, the way the wind rushed through the icy corridors, impatient and strong, restless and free. She liked how sometimes breathing in too deep hurt her, how it was a warning that she was far from home.
She sucked in a deep breath, aware, as always of the eyes that followed her motions, pointedly avoiding tracking the guards trailing after her, even as she watched them blatantly pace after her, no subtly in their steps.
She did not begrudge the North for their bladed sharpness or their clear wariness. She was a reckoning, she knew, a warning whispered across nations, do not cross Ozai or he'll send his daughter, the mad wretch.
She had tried so hard, so hard, to avoid the flush of pride that occasionally prickled down her spine at the whispers that spread about her - but after spending her life afraid, she was well aware of how safe it made her feel when she was known to be dangerous.
She had no one to fear, except her father -
Except, she knew, that wasn't quite right anymore.
She had maybe no one to fear except herself.
She tipped her head back, feeling the sun's welcome ray on her face, and sucked in another deep breath, before the crunch of a boot on ice alerted her to a newcomer.
She let herself have another moment of peace, before she blinked her eyes open, the white gleam taking her a moment to adjust to, and twisted to face the person lingering at her elbow.
"My Lady," the words spilled across the gap, faster than her eyes could adjust. "We came as soon as we could."
Azula blinked again, as if expecting the stern figure before her to vanish into steam. "Kurna?"
"Yes," Kurna said, her lips twisting up into a shy smile, uncertain of her welcome. "Captain Jurik and the rest, they're down-" She cut herself off as Azula slammed into her, clinging to her as if she were a child. "Shhhh," Kurna soothed, running a hand across her hair, as the two of them slid to the ground, Azula's shoulders shaking with emotion. "I have you, my brave darling girl," she whispered to her. "You are safe now."
Azula swallowed down her cries, still instinctively knowing that she was not truly safe - that she would not be actually safe until she found herself on Captain Jurik's ship, Embersmith, with Mai and Ty Lee and the rest huddled around her - but here, and now, on the icy chilled streets of the North Pole, in Kurna's arms, it was enough.
***
"Kurna!" Ty Lee sang with glee, as Azula urged her to sit down, the wry acrobat bending to brush a kiss across the older woman's face. "Oh, how I've missed you."
"And I, you," Kurna returned, frowning as Azula rose to pour her tea. "My Lady, I should, it's improper-"
"Oh forget the improperness," Mai said her eyes glinting with fondness as she dropped her head to Kurna, in a nod of respect far deeper than normal. "Azula does as she wants."
Azula hummed, unable to keep a smile from crinkling across her face as she brought the steaming cups of tea over. She glanced up, catching sight of her brother and his friends staring at her from across the room, and shunted them from her mind.
"Where's Tala?" Mai asked as Ty Lee chattered mindlessly about their stay, her voice providing a low cover. "And the rest?"
Kurna accepted the tea with narrowed eyes from Azula, before returning her flinty gaze to Mai. "They should be docked at this moment," she said. "And heading up for us, with all the speed of -"
"Lady Azula!" Herta and Rin crowed together as they spilled into the room, Azula rising to her feet, a broad smile on her face. "Did you see all the snow and ice outside? Did you know that it hurts if you look at it too long?"
Azula watched as they huffed to a stop before her, bowing low. She waited for them to rise, before she dropped into an equally low bow as well, giggles falling from their mouths as Kurna huffed.
"They'll think themselves royalty now, my Lady," she murmured without a trace of censure in her voice, Azula straightened only to crouch down and murmur at the two of them, before gently pointing them towards her brother. She arched a brow, waiting for Zuko to stop staring at her and greet the two of them, glancing back at Kurna only for a different voice to interrupt.
"They behaved themselves as royals on the ship, didn't they?" Tala said, striding forward to bend to Azula before huffing at her a moment later. "Find yourselves into a heap of trouble, did you?"
"Always," Mai said, smirking at the look Azula tossed her.
Tala grinned, shaking her head. "I told you - you aren't the adventuring sort, now are you?" Azula rolled her eyes, not even bothering to fight back the smile on her face. "No, you're just the troublesome type." She leaned forward, and gently place her hands on Azula's shoulders, her grin dropping from her face. "I heard that there was an incident," she said, lowly, refusing to look over her shoulder towards Zuko, something Azula couldn't stop herself from doing.
"Ah," Tala said after a beat, the silence between the two of them thick with unsaid things. "That'll do it."
Kurna clucked her tongue at them, rising to her feet, her face set into her usual mask of placidity. "Girls," she said, her voice quiet but strong, summoning Herta and Rin to her side with ease. "Give the Firelord space," she said, raising her face to meet his eyes. "I'm sure he has much to do."
Zuko watched her, ignoring the way Mai snorted and arched an indolent brow at him, before nodding once, gathering his friends and striding from the room.
Ty Lee beamed at Kurna. "I love it when you do that," she said, the strain leaving her spine as Toph and Aang's bodies left the doorway, the room immediately less filled with tension. "Agni knows his aura was dulling the whole room."
Azula shook her head, smirking as Mai shunted a quick elbow into Ty Lee's side, before she turned to face Kurna. She hesitated, her gaze lingering on her daughters, before she met Kurna's watchful eyes. "I don't suppose you could let it go, could you?"
Kurna sniffed, her lips twisting. "No, my Lady," she said, twice as stern as any scolding mother's and just as firm.
Herta and Rin exchanged a look before giggling. "She's in charge now," Rin whispered in a conspiring tone to Azula, Herta nodding beside her. "She's gonna whip this place into shape."
Azula dropped down into a crouch again. "Can I tell you two a secret?" She murmured, suppressing a smile at their wide-eyed looks and solemn nods. "She just might take over the North," she said, meeting Kurna's gaze with amusement as the girls gasped. "And you know what?"
"What?" Herta said, the two of them hanging onto Azula's words with breathless amazement.
Azula grinned at the two of them, sweeping an arm around them and listening to their laughter, before looking up at Kurna with amusement, ignoring the gentle and admonishing head shake she got from the older woman. "We might just let her."
***
Tala stepped through the doorway, arching a brow at the single bed in the room, before turning to glance at Azula, who shrugged unashamedly. Tala huffed, rolling her eyes, and headed for the low circle of chairs, Kurna and Jurik following after Azula, Mai, and Ty Lee.
"So," Azula said, as the five of them got settled into chairs and she remained standing, the room falling into a familiar quiet, though it was missing the usual lap of water against the walls of the ship. "Father - Ozai - gave me a drink on the third day of Zuko's banishment, and I drank deeply." She waited for an outburst, her shoulders stiff. When none came, she continued, lowering her eyes to the ground.
"He- it-" she paused, sucking in a deep breath. "It was warm," she said quietly. "Warm and sticky, blacker than night, thicker than toffee." She shuddered, lifting her head, her gaze focusing over their heads, catching on the shine of the sun against the ice. "He watched, not drinking, just watching as I drained the cup. I was- it- silence was better than words, better than fire. But I remember how, how, how scared I was, as I set the cup down on the saucer. It clinked."
"It clinked, and he looked up, and he smiled. And somehow, somehow I knew, I was not to smile back, because there was a promise in his eyes, on his face. I wasn't escaping what he had done. My fate was sealed."
Kurna's eyes narrowed, Tala's lips flattening out, as Mai and Ty Lee exchanged a look of deep foreboding. Jurik clenched his hands together, his bones aching in his tight grip.
"He leaned in," Azula whispered, her shoulders rolling back, her spine stiffening, as she let herself settle into the Princess of the Fire Nation persona. "He leaned in," she repeated. "And he said, in the softest whisper, the one he used when he was proud of me, and he began to speak. 'If your brother had waited just one day,' he said, 'I would have set tea for two.' He leaned back, still smiling, and continued. 'I had the Sages harvest the essence of hatred, from the heart of the nation, from the petals of bloodied monkshood, and you, my delightful daughter, you, my chosen heir, you will bring us to greatness, and you will do so as I have trained you to.'" She swallowed hard, still staring straight ahead. "I memorized the words," she admitted. "I committed them to my heart, to my soul."
"He explained, later on, that I had taken a tonic which would prevent my flames from coming from any emotion but anger and cold desolation." She laughed, the sound hollow. "It's no wonder I have the blue flames in the family." She tilted her head, breaking out of her stare to gaze across the five of them sitting before her. "I didn't tell you because I assumed I would die before it became too much of an issue." She sighed at their troubled faces. "Or not died, I'm not accusing our illustrious saviors of bloodshed and murder but rather - I assumed I would've been left to rot, forgotten in a jail cell."
"You're a fool." Azula blinked, looking almost delighted, as Tala rose from her chair, stepping around the others. "You're a fool, and you never would've been fit for leadership, if the only sense in your head is to die on the sword." She paused, an arm's length away. "Did it never occur to you to seek help?"
Azula shrugged lightly. "I never imagined it would matter." She laughed again, its sharpness ringing through the room. "I assumed I would be alone, far before I died, or was jailed, or what have you." She shifted warily back on her feet as she caught sight of Ty Lee's facial expression. "I get people killed," she settled on, refusing to glance at Mai. "You're the fools to remain here with me."
"We're here because we love you, you imbecile," Ty Lee said, rising and stalking forward, pushing past Tala, Mai right behind her. "You thought that you were going to die or be jailed and that what? We would just be okay with that?"
"I didn't-"
"You didn't," Mai said, cutting her off. "That's it exactly. You didn't seek help, you didn't think you'd live, but more importantly, you didn't tell us." She reached out, waiting for Azula to lean towards her hand before continuing, as she tangled their fingers together. "How would you feel if any of us did this?" Azula flinched, her face stricken. Mai nodded, her brow arched. "Exactly."
Kurna cleared her throat, the three of them twisting to see her, as Tala resettled into her seat. "This is incredibly important," she said, meeting Azula's eyes. "But before we continue, my Lady, I must ask. Will you continue on, as you have? Or will you rest, and let us worry, and dither, and tend to you, in all the ways that you despise?"
"My Lady," Jurik said, his voice soft, his eyes kind. "Embersmith awaits you."
Azula detangled herself from Mai, stepping back and eyeing the group in full. "There will be no ordinances," she said. "No force." She narrowed her eyes at Kurna. "You may worry, but you cannot keep me."
Kurna bowed her head. "I understand, my Lady," she said. "And I thank you for permitting that much."
Azula sighed, lowering her eyes. "No," she said, her voice tiny. "That was unkind of me, Kurna. I am sorry." She shook her head. "I know you would never-" She cut herself off. "The longer I find myself away from home, the more brutish I become."
"We welcome you as you are," Jurik said quietly. "As always."
Azula inclined her head, before she frowned, her mouth twisting. "If I may ask-"
"Always," Jurik said, meeting her gaze.
"Can- will- is there room enough for my- for the Firelord and his friends?"
He paused, glancing at Tala, for a quick moment, before looking back at her. "There is, my Lady."
"Are you sure," Tala muttered. "Because there doesn't have to be."
Mai smiled at her, over her shoulder, before looking back at Azula. "Is this really what you want?" She asked quietly, her gaze searching Azula's face. "Or is this something you feel you should do?"
Azula sighed. "I will get nowhere with him, if I am not open." She let her eyes shut, biting her lip. "I am not open, unless I am home, and home, the first one, the real one, will always be on that ship, will always be on the sea, on the water."
"I don't like this," Tala said bluntly, as Ty Lee nodded along. "I don't think that we should serve the Firelord if he hurts you."
Azula spluttered, her eyes flying open. "You are talking of treason, Tala, don't be foolish."
"It's not foolish if I mean it."
"That makes it worse," Azula said. "It makes you a traitor to the crown."
"Not if I'm still following you," Tala said, rolling her eyes. "You're the Princess."
Azula blinked at her, before pointedly turning her back. "I'm going to at least give you a moment to rethink that," she said, before turning and stalking from the room, leaving their conversation unfinished and her bruises unveiled, giving herself to them even as she left.
***
"So," Mai said, as the three of them settled into their familiar room on Embersmith. "Are we going to talk about any of that?"
"What would you have me say?" Azula asked, her legs crossed underneath her, her eyes fixed on the candle before her. "That I'm sorry I never said anything? That I wish I could change it?" She snorted, the sound at odds with her soft and smooth motions, as she sat with a tiny flame cupped in her palms. "I wouldn't mean any of that."
Ty Lee rose from her seat on the bed, sitting down behind her. "I think that at this point we just want a guarantee that you won't try to die on us," she said softly. "That you won't throw yourself into danger."
Azula dipped her head in a quick motion. "I wasn't before," she said. "You both make it seem as though I tried to die." She flattened her hands together and reached out to pinch the wick, relishing in the warmth against her fingertips, before she turned, smoke curling gently around her. "I didn't try," she said. "I was just accustomed to believing I would."
"That's dangerous," Mai said. "I don't think that you realize how dangerous it is."
Azula sighed. "Here is the truth of the matter," she said. "Laid bare." She laid down against the floor, waiting until she heard both Ty Lee and Mai settle in as well. "I didn't, I don't, want to die," she whispered into the rapidly growing shadows. "I just - I believed I would, and it was so much easier to go about taking pain and hurt and causing it if I thought that I wasn't - if I thought that there was an end in sight."
She felt a hand reach out to her, and she clung to it, waiting half a beat for a different hand to grab her from the other side. "I don't want that, I never wanted that, and I- I am sorry I did not say anything, but I- I didn't know how." She shivered. "How was I supposed to go to you and say that I had been poisoned with the hatred of our nation, with the whims of my- of Ozai- and not expect that to go poorly."
"I don't- I don't know what to do," she whispered, swallowing down the burst of loathing that rose within her as she confessed her secret. "I don't- I don't want to be- I don't want to hurt anymore," she said. "I don't want to be built for war, and as much as I love fire and flames, I can't- I won't suffer for them anymore."
"You can think me weak," she spat, anger rushing through her at the thought before it dissipated as Mai and Ty Lee squeezed her hands tightly. "You can."
"We won't," Ty Lee whispered. "We don't. We've never."
Azula let go of their hands, pushing up to look at them. "I love you," she said, quietly, without a trace of fear. "I love you both, and Agni knows how I've kept you, but I am not letting go."
Mai smiled at her, a fierce bearing of teeth, her hair spread out across the floor, her clothes blending into the shadows until she seemed to just be a savage face in the dark. "You're going to regret that," she said, her tone lofty. "When the two of us cling to you with unyielding force."
Ty Lee laughed, as Azula looked at her, her eyes dark. "You forget that I demanded we be friends first, Princess," she mocked lightly. "You are never getting rid of me."
"Then hear me now," Azula said, her voice coated in satisfaction. "I will never leave you," she swore. "I promise you this. I swear upon the ocean and the moon and the sun and the stars - I am never leaving either of you."
Mai and Ty Lee exchanged a glance, before Mai laughed. "You never had a choice."
"We invoke this enough," Ty Lee said, slumping back onto the ground. "You'd think that the meaning would stick."
Mai hummed. "It's nice to renew it with every discovery we have - that way we're all just clear that there's no escape."
Azula sighed, huddling in on herself. "I don't mean to make a mess," she said quietly. "I just - I never know when - and I don't want to intrude on - I don't want to interrupt anything."
"You're a half of my heart," Ty Lee murmured into the shadows. "You aren't intruding when I've carved space for you into the hollow of my ribs, into the core of my heart." She tilted her head, offering a smile. "I love you for you," she said to Azula, before meeting Mai's eyes. "And I love you for you."
"And I, you," Mai said.
Azula nodded, looking almost dazed. "I can't- can we-," she stumbled over her words, before pausing and taking in a deep breath. "Can we go to bed?"
Ty Lee nodded, pushing herself up, and extending a hand. Azula smiled up at her, her eyes free of the worry that had clouded them for as long as Ty Lee could remember, and slid her hand into Ty Lee's, her smile growing as she finally let herself fully relax for the first time in years.
Mai rose from behind her, helping her up as well, the three of them slipping through the dark to the bed, all of them burrowing under the cool covers, as the lap of the waves lulled them to sleep.