Chapter Text
I don't know what you want me to say, but this talking thing? I tried. When I was younger, damn close to a kid at this point because I figured it'd be fine, I don't usually tell the truth but if I open up to somebody, it'd be okay, right?
Well I was wrong. With Cassie, I was wrong. With a person who I lo- who meant a lot to me. I opened up, and she hurt me. Took what I said, the trust I put into telling her about me, about what I've been through and dealt with, the crap that I did, 'cause I had to; that ever since I was told anything, given a job to do, it felt like I wasn't good enough, that I had to do something, so much, but even doing that damn much I wouldn't, couldn't BE enough -
And that's the bitch of it. I sat asking, begging, crying because I didn't know what to do, I couldn't figure out what I - what else was I supposed to do without my little brother. Taking care 'a my baby brother. That's it, that's all.
And go ahead now, diagnose. Because that's gonna friggin help, a diagnosis. I've heard shit all my friggin life about what I've got or don't have; if it's parent issues or behavior problems, I don't know. But I bet you do, huh? You can say all this shit and I come crashing down without a word. And that's what shrinks do, right? They listen and listen and tell us to do stuff, because they know all these resources and have shit they've learned in textbooks about how the friggin brain works
But this is me, it's my head. It's my problem dealin with crap on my own. To push through, keep on, say I'm fine.
To keep on fighting, no matter what. But at this point, what's the use? And what're you gonna say? Is it that I'm fightin' myself? And all I gotta do is accept myself, huh? Get a little kumbaya with it.
That'd be great, except it ain't just me, about me.
Other people in my life 've dealt with this crap, my crap too. And they don't need to be a safety net, or whatever bullshit that is - like I've said before. I'm not about to whine about my fucking problems to some bullshit reality show. (Because that's what life is, right? In some sense, we're all in that human zoo in Slaughterhouse Five) so what I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna do my fucking job.
I'm always gonna do my fucking job.