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“The Red Hood has been good for Gotham,” Robin continued. “Crime in Park Row decreased by sixty one percent almost as soon as you showed up, and that’s even taking into account all the crime you commit. Drug overdoses have decreased by twenty two percent in adults and seventy nine percent in minors. Homeless minors are ninety two percent less likely to—”
“Kid,” Jason interrupted. “Enough statistics. What the hell is this about?”
Robin slowly lowered the tablet with his powerpoint presentation and looked up at Red Hood.
“You care about Gotham,” Robin summarised. “Gotham needs Batman. Batman is missing and so is Nightwing. We need you to fill in for Batman.”
“You want me to cover Batman’s patrols?” Jason clarified.
“No,” Robin said. “I want you to be Batman.”
Jason bluescreened.
(Or: Batman and Nightwing mysteriously disappear before Red Hood has even started antagonising them, Robin is desperate, Gotham needs Batman, and Red Hood is Batman-Shaped.)
Series
- Part 1 of The Right Substitution is Key
- Part 3 of Unhinged and Unrelated Jason Todd Content
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 34,416
- Chapters:
- 14/14
- Collections:
- 57
- Comments:
- 4,248
- Kudos:
- 14,522
- Bookmarks:
- 4,194
- Hits:
- 175,740
Bookmarked by covertpartyhat
18 Oct 2025
Bookmarker's Notes
The important thing here was that Jason was so, so bored.
“…do you agree, Batman?” Superman finished.
Jason gave a perfect imitation of Bruce’s affirmative grunt. “Keep us updated,” he said gruffly.
“Just like you keep us updated on what you’ve been up to,” Green Lantern muttered under his breath.
Everyone heard it, so Jason sent the Batglare his way, even though he was trying not to laugh.
“Err, yes,” Superman said awkwardly. “Do you have anything to add about your recent absences, Batman?”
“No.”
Jason cackled internally at everyone’s annoyed looks, but Jason was merely answering how Bruce would have.
“At least when Green Arrow skips meetings, he has the decency to make up an excuse,” Green Lantern said, giving up all pretences of not trying to start shit.
“I don’t answer to you, Jordan. The events occupying me in Gotham are my business.”
Jason was starting to see why Bruce liked being a dick to Green Lantern. It was kind of fun.
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The Guild of Gamers: The Tinker by The_Dark_Wolf_Shiro
Fandoms: Parahumans Series - Wildbow
24 Mar 2024
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Summary
Why would you think a shut-in would change his ways, just because he got superpowers? I’m happy right here in my room.
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Who did I piss off to end up as The Black Queen? by kurenohikari
Fandoms: House of the Dragon (TV), Game of Thrones (TV), A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin
01 Dec 2025
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Summary
"Is this some kind of joke?" I whispered in shock, my voice trembling as I stared at the reflection in the ornate mirror before me. Well, her mirror. The polished silver showed a face I knew all too well—just not my own. Pale skin, a cascade of silver-gold hair, and violet eyes that could only belong to one person.
"Who the hell did I piss off to become her? The Black Queen?" My words were almost a growl as I gripped the edges of the vanity, the cold metal biting into my fingers.
That's right. One moment, I was just me, heading home after another long day, and the next... a car came out of nowhere. I don’t even remember the impact, not really. It was too fast. No flashes of light, no angelic choirs—just darkness. And then I was here.
The next thing I knew, a maid was shaking me awake, her voice trembling with reverence as she called me Princess Rhaenyra.
Yeah. That Rhaenyra. The Black Queen herself. The one and only Maegor with tits.
Series
- Part 3 of I am Team Black, are you even surprised?
- Part 1 of Who did I piss off?
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 636,355
- Chapters:
- 115/115
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 12,857
- Kudos:
- 9,877
- Bookmarks:
- 2,349
- Hits:
- 770,358
Bookmarked by covertpartyhat
03 May 2025
Bookmarker's Tags:
Bookmarker's Notes
Winterfell was too quiet for the chaos Daemon had just unleashed. I could still hear the echo of his voice—loud, booming, and Gods-damned proud—as he declared himself the proudest grandsire in the realm while sitting atop a half-wild Northern horse, as if he hadn’t just crash-landed his dragon in the middle of my life. Again.
I wanted to scream. Or laugh. Or possibly throw myself into the snow and let the Gods take me. Preferably the Old Gods, since the Seven clearly weren’t doing me any favors.
Instead, I sat there, clutching my babies—my poor, unsuspecting babies—and stared at Daemon like he’d lost his mind. Which, let’s be honest, he probably had years ago.
“You rode Caraxes. Here. To Winterfell.” My voice was steady. My pulse was not. “Without stopping at King’s Landing. Even after being summoned by the king. Without waiting for a raven. Without—oh, I don’t know—thinking about how that might look?”
Daemon, being Daemon, only grinned wider and with his annoyingly confident way, he strode forward, arms outstretched like he actually thought I might hug him. I wanted to smack him instead.
“It’s called making an entrance, niece,” he said, as if that explained everything. “And look at them!” He pointed at my twins—my sweet, oblivious boys—like they were treasures he’d uncovered in a hoard. “You can’t expect me to wait another day to meet the future of House Stark. I have rights!”
“Rights?” My voice cracked. “What rights? Daemon, you don’t even have common sense, let alone rights!”
But before I could build up to a proper rant, he leaned in, peering down at Cregan and Jacaerys with an expression so ridiculously soft it made me pause. Then—then—he cooed. Cooed.
The Rogue Prince. The rider of the Blood Wyrm. The man who defied the realm and king without breaking a sweat—was cooing.
Over my babies.
Lysa and Benjen just stood there, completely unbothered by the fact that Daemon Targaryen had essentially declared himself their in-law and was now bonding with their grandsons like it was the most natural thing in the world.
“He’s got Rickon’s eyes,” Daemon said, tapping Cregan’s with one calloused finger. “And Jacaerys? He’s got the Targaryen chin.”
I wanted to cover my face with my hands, but unfortunately, they were occupied at the moment. “You’re going to get me killed,” I muttered. “Or exiled—as punishment for your antics.”
Daemon had the audacity to smirk. “Who’s going to punish you? Viserys? He’s too busy celebrating his grandsons and figuring out how to deal with my Unsullied.”
I froze. “Your what?”
“Oh,” Daemon said breezily, rocking back on his heels. “Did I forget to mention the army I picked up in the Stepstones? The Unsullied. Sworn to House Targaryen, loyal to the death, very fond of burning slavers alive. They are residing at Dragonstone at the moment.”
I stared at him, my brain short-circuiting. “Daemon. You cannot just collect armies like stray dogs.”
“Why not? It was your idea to save them after all. And you’re collecting fleets!”
“I didn’t collect anything!”
“Tell that to the Ironborn building ships in your woods.”
I wanted to die. Or kill him. Or possibly both.
“Speaking of fleets,” Daemon continued, completely ignoring my internal breakdown, “I saw the shipyards on my way in. They’re impressive. And smart. If you’re going to secure trade routes and defend the North, you’ll need more than the Vale and Driftmark’s ships. Dependance on anyone or anything is bad. This way, you’ll be able to stand on your own.”
For a moment, I almost forgave him. Almost. Because despite his complete lack of subtlety, the man was clever when it counted.
But then he ruined it. Again.
“And it’ll keep the Ironborn happy. They’re already carving out a niche for themselves, mending bonds with the North—just like you planned.”
I blinked. “What plan?”
Daemon grinned, sharp and dangerous. “You didn’t plan this? Rhaenyra Targaryen, the Queen of Light, didn’t see this coming?”
“What did you just call me?!” I hissed, cheeks burning.
He raised his brows. “What, you don’t like the title? The whole army seemed pretty taken with it during the celebration for the twins. I am pretty sure the court will love it as well. And let’s be honest, it’s better than ‘Realm’s Delight.’ You’re not exactly a blushing maiden anymore.”
“Daemon—”
“It suits you,” he said simply, cutting me off. Then his smirk widened, it was all teeth, blood, and mischief. “You light the way.”
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Tags
Summary
“What do you want, my son?” Talia asked him. “What do you truly want?”
And when Jason pushed aside his obsession with Bruce, the answer was so clear. He knew exactly what he wanted. He knew what he’d always wanted, ever since he was that little street rat who spent money he needed for food on making himself look clean. Because he’d needed to look clean and presentable to get into the public libraries. Because they wouldn’t have let a dirty homeless kid touch the books.
“I want to go to college.”
And Talia had made that happen for him.
(AU where, at the end of his League of Assassins training, Jason decides to go to Metropolis for college instead of going back to Gotham for revenge. Things spiral from there. The title is so sarcastic by the way. There’s nothing regular about Jason Todd.)
Series
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 51,139
- Chapters:
- 23/23
- Collections:
- 49
- Comments:
- 4,536
- Kudos:
- 16,521
- Bookmarks:
- 4,940
- Hits:
- 241,336
Bookmarked by covertpartyhat
08 Dec 2024
Bookmarker's Tags:
Bookmarker's Notes
“Yeah,” Jason sighed. “But I forgot I already know Japanese.”
Lisa and Susie paused in their eating to stare at him. “You forgot you already know an entire ass language?” Lisa repeated.
Matt, who had decided he would no longer freak out about Jason’s weirdness and hadn’t faltered at Jason’s declaration, said, “You can still change your enrolment for another two weeks.”
“Yeah, but Susie and I are supposed to have a language credit,” Jason explained. He was a little irritated by the situation. He came here to learn new things and he hated wasting money on a course he already knew the content of. Talia could afford to pay for it, but that wasn’t the point.
“Switch to a different language then,” Matt suggested reasonably, pulling up the list of languages the university offered onto his phone. “What about Spanish?”
Jason shrugged. “I know Spanish too.”
“Huh, alright then,” Matt said, undeterred. “French?”
“I know French.”
“Mandarin??”
“Know that too.”
“German???”
“Know it.”
“Arabic????”
“Definitely know Arabic.”
“Russian?????”
“Yes, I know— Hold on. Metropolis University doesn’t offer Russian.”
“Yeah, they don’t offer Arabic either,” Matt said. “The list ended so I just started naming languages.”
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Timeline: Batman by CrimeAlley1048
Fandoms: Batfamily - Fandom, batfam - Fandom, Batman - All Media Types, Batman (Comics), Nightwing (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Batgirl (Comics), Red Robin (Comics), Batman and Robin (Comics), Robin (Comics)
05 Oct 2020
Tags
Summary
This one isn't fanfiction. This is my attempt at an age timeline for Batman characters, focussing on the adoption and/or appearance of each of Bruce's children.
This isn't going to work on mobile because of all the pictures, so I guess it's computer view only.
This is a post-crisis timeline (1985-2011), so it stops before the New 52 and everything after that. Here are the events discussed:
1. Bruce's parents die
2. Bruce becomes Batman
3. Dick's parents die
4. Dick becomes Robin
5. Jason becomes Robin and is adopted
6. Jason dies
7. Tim becomes Robin
8. Cass appears
9. Dick is adopted
10. Tim is adopted
11. Cass is adopted
12. Damian becomes Robin
I will be explaining myself to the best of my ability, citing issues, and including panels.
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Batstream by RandomReader13 for Ginevra_Benci, MousesizeDragon
Fandoms: Batman - All Media Types
06 Feb 2022
Tags
Summary
“I want it on record that I think this is a terrible idea and I’m only doing this to mitigate the damage."
AKA
Red Robin decides it's a great idea to livestream patrol while Batman's off-world. It goes about as well as you'd expect.- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 6,822
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 96
- Comments:
- 470
- Kudos:
- 17,107
- Bookmarks:
- 5,296
- Hits:
- 92,766
Bookmarked by covertpartyhat
09 May 2022
Bookmarker's Notes
Barbara chuckled and patched Jason’s comms into the livestream. “Hey, Hood, welcome to the livestream.”
“The what?”
Barbara got a great shot from a security camera of Hood with his hands on his hips, radiating confusion and disbelief. “We’re live-streaming on Twitch,” she said, purposefully casual. “It was Red’s idea.”
“….oh Batman’s gonna kill you.” Hood sounded gleeful. “He might actually break his number one rule.”
“Fuck off, Hood,” Tim said.
“Right back atchya.”
“Does that mean you don’t want to be part of the livestream?” Barbara asked.
“We’ll only mock you forever for being a pussy if you don’t,” Steph said.
Hood rocked back on his heels and looked directly at the security camera. “You kidding? A chance to piss Batman off and tackle Red into a dumpster? I’m in.”
Tim yelped in protest but everyone else just laughed.
“Patching your mask cam now,” Barbara said. A seventh video feed appeared on the screen. “Red got Batgirl who got you. Happy hunting.”
“You fuckers better watch out,” Jason said, feral grin obvious in his voice.
“And you better change those gloves before you try to tag anyone,” Steph said. “I don’t want some random person’s blood on me.”
“Blood?” Dick inquired, punching a mugger’s nose in. Barbara had seen the move coming and blew up his feed for that second. The irony was too good to miss, and from the clips that immediately started dropping, the internet agreed.
“Serial rapist,” Jason said proudly. “I made sure he couldn’t, ah- reoffend.”
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Tags
Summary
Steph said cheerfully, “Bruce, from now on, consider yourself in possession of one Steph-mom.”
“Absolutely not,” Bruce said.
Steph took a bite of her cake, undeterred.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 4,360
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 4
- Comments:
- 165
- Kudos:
- 3,376
- Bookmarks:
- 1,008
- Hits:
- 16,177
Bookmarked by covertpartyhat
06 May 2022
Bookmarker's Notes
“Bruce! You didn’t tell me you had a young lady over!” Steph announced, pushing her way into the library. Selina was reclined comfortably on the couch, her feet in Bruce’s lap. He glared at Steph, clearly understanding that she was about to pull some shit.
That did not deter Steph in the slightest.
She set the tray she’d brought down, put her hands on her hips, and looked Selina over. “Miss, I have to ask what your intentions are.”
Bruce rubbed his temples, like he was developing a headache.
Selina let a slow smile cross her face. “Purely nefarious, I promise.”
Bruce’s hand dropped over his eyes. Steph was pretty sure he was trying to will them both away.
“Well then,” Steph said, reaching down to the tray -- it featured juice boxes, graham crackers, and apple slices -- and lifting the lid off a little covered dish, revealing the glow-in-the-dark condoms inside. “Always remember protection! We don’t want any more little accidents running around swinging swords!”
Bruce was absolutely going to murder her, but it was worth it to get to watch Selina fall off the couch laughing.
“I’m not a regular mom, I’m a cool mom!” Steph called over her shoulder as she fled the room to hide forever.
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The Teenage Vigilante's Guide by candlesneedflame
Fandom: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Daredevil (TV), Deadpool - All Media Types, Hawkeye (Comics), Iron Fist (TV), Iron Man (Movies), Jessica Jones (TV), Luke Cage (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Defenders (Marvel TV), The Punisher (TV 2017)
06 Apr 2020
Summary
MCU and Marvel TV verse collide in this series. Mostly Spider-Man and Daredevil centric, but the Defenders and Avengers make plenty of appearances along with a whole lot of Deadpool.
- Words:
- 228,353
- Works:
- 12
- Bookmarks:
- 1,797
Bookmarked by covertpartyhat
24 Aug 2021
Bookmarker's Notes
“School?” Deadpool asks, his face oddly expressive even through the mask. “How old are you?”
Peter looks to Matt quickly for an out, but he just shrugs vaguely. The slight upward pull at the corner of his mouth shows that he’s amused, that jackass.
“Umm I’m twenty,” Peter tries, and his attempt at making his voice sound more mature is so laughable that even Matt can’t keep the smile off his face any longer.
“Uh uh, Spidey. College kids say ‘class’. You said school,” Deadpool replies, his arms crossed over his chest.
Peter sighs and tosses another look at Matt before thumping his head back against the brick wall of the alley they’re all hiding in. “Almost sixteen,” he mutters.
Deadpool full on chokes on the air. “You’re fifteen?!” he shrieks in the loudest whisper Peter’s ever heard (and he’s friends with theater kids). “You’re too young to fight crime! You can’t even drive!”
“I can’t drive either,” Matt replies, just to be chaotic.
“It’s New York-- nobody needs to know how to drive,” Deadpool says, blowing him off.
“Then why’s it such a big deal that I can’t drive?” Peter counters.
“Because you couldn’t get a license even if you wanted!”
“Neither can I,” Matt points out again, earning himself a glare from Deadpool.
The two of them stare each other down for a minute, and there’s definitely some eyebrow raising going on beneath both of their masks before Deadpool throws his hands in the air and sighs. “Fine. Fine, whatever. See if I care that someone tried to hire me to kill a little baby!”
“Wait, what?!” Peter asks, standing to attention as Matt adjusts his stance similarly.
“Don’t get your onesies in a wad-- I didn’t do it! The guy offered me 10k. Ten K! For a superhuman hero! A child superhuman hero!” Deadpool laments, before glancing back down at his phone when it buzzes and switching the topic so fast it makes Peter’s head spin. “Our guy’s in Manhattan. Mount Sinai West.”
Matt doesn’t seem thrown off at all by the abrupt change in conversation. “How the hell did you get that so fast?”
“I added him on Snapchat. Duh,” Deadpool replies, tapping one of Matt’s horns. Peter swears he hears the man say ‘boop’ under his breath before he turns to look at the youngest member of their trio. “Snap maps are a hitman’s best friend, kiddo.”
Peter makes a mental note to set his location so nobody can see it.
“We have a location. Let’s go,” Matt says, but before he can take more than a step, Deadpool grabs him by the arm.
“We are not fucking walking to the Upper West Side,” he says. “I’m calling a cab.” Deadpool goes to his contacts list and scrolls until he finds one that simply has every heart emoji ever as the name.
A single minute conversation later, and apparently Deadpool’s cab-driving friend is on his way to come get them. Peter’s wandered over towards the other end of the alley to investigate the graffiti painted there.
“I spy with my little eye… something red,” Deadpool sing-songs closer towards the entrance of the alley after a couple minutes of blessed silence.
There’s silence for a beat followed by a defeated sigh and Matt saying, “Is it you?”
“Nope!”
“Is it me?”
“Nada!”
“Is it Spider-Man?”
“Yahtzee! Your turn,” Deadpool says with a grin.
Matt looks Deadpool straight in the face. “I spy a colossal dumbass.”
Peter realizes it’s going to be a long wait for the cab.
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Tags
Summary
In the wake of Nelson & Murdock's closure, Matt gets offered a spot as a judge on the Great American Bake-off.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 7,968
- Chapters:
- 3/3
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 78
- Kudos:
- 583
- Bookmarks:
- 146
- Hits:
- 3,525
Bookmarked by covertpartyhat
13 Jun 2019
Bookmarker's Notes
Whatever romantic ideas Matt still had about the job quickly came tumbling down over the next few hours as he was forced to contend with a series of sponge cakes that varied from chewy deflated messes, to overcooked, dry-as-a-bone monstrosities.
At cake number six, Matt took a bite of a sponge that had been filled with lemon curd. He licked his lips and breathed in through his nose. “Was there a reason you used lemon juice from a bottle, rather than squeezing your own?”
He could hear the pair’s heartbeats skyrocket. “Uh, lumps. We didn’t want to risk lumps.”
“You didn’t think to ask for a strainer to catch the pips and fiber?”
“Uh, no. I guess – uh…”
Matt pursed his lips, unimpressed. He ran his tongue over his teeth. “Nice consistency to the cream. I’m glad you didn’t feel it necessary to add sugar to the cream,” he said, referring to the last couple of cakes which were oversweetened. “The pure cream offsets the sweetness of the curd. Although the curd should have been more tart – something that only comes from using fresh juice. It takes less than a minute to put juice through a strainer.”
The pair nodded, one of them looking at the floor dismally.
“However, the cake is one of the best so far,” Matt continued. “Light, slightly chewy on the edge, but not overcooked. It’s excellent. Well done.” Matt smiled and the pair mumbled a thanks.
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Tags
Summary
“Who were you going to fight?” Foggy asks. “Who is the blind ninja army going to war with?”
“Um.” This question has Matt stuck for a moment. “I dunno. The deaf?”
Matt and Foggy decide to tell Karen about Daredevil, but in the worst way possible.
Bookmarked by covertpartyhat
11 Jun 2019
Bookmarker's Tags:
Bookmarker's Notes
“Okay okay okay.” Foggy is serious at the same time as looking like his stomach might explode from laughter. “Karen. Karen, we have something to tell you. Matt has something to tell you.”
“Wrong.” Matt is on his back, his eyes staring up at the ceiling, if they can ever really be considered staring at anything. “Foggy does.”
“Matt is a ninja. Matt is a full-on ninja.”
“I never finished my training.” Matt is far more focused on things he can touch and taste than this conversation. “That’s why I think I keep losing. Fisk head-butted me like ... twice? I don’t think full ninjas get head-butted.”
“What the fuck are you doing, being a lawyer? You have to finish your training! You have to go to Tibet!”
“Ninjas don’t come from Tibet, Foggy. Don’t be racist.”
“That’s where Batman went! That’s where he met evil Qui-Gon Jinn.”
“Oh man.” Matt closes his eyes. “I want to be Batman so bad.”
“I want you to be Batman so bad. And I could be the rich lawyer who works for Wayne Enterprises! I could just be on retainer. Karen could be the overpaid secretary who covers for you when you never show up!” Foggy looks at Karen again. “We could pay you so much money.”
“I really just want someone to do my laundry,” Matt says. “Not you guys. I would have an Alfred. He would do my laundry. And wipe blood off stuff. I could have a whole room just to bleed in.”
“And you could park the Batmobile in the handicapped space. It would take up two of them but whatever, you’re Batman. No one would fuck with you.” He giggles. “The Mattmobile.”
“The plates would be kind of a giveaway. And I think my ID says NON-DRIVER on it.”
“Do they check Batman’s driver’s license? Do you ever see them do that?”
“Batman doesn’t get in fights with police. I would have to cut way back on that.”
“Holy shit. Holy shit.” Foggy gets up and paces across the small space. “Did you beat up Brett?”
“I ... knocked him around. Like barely anything.”
“No Matt! Bad Matt!” Foggy bends over and shakes his fist in Matt’s face. “That is not cool!”
“Yeah, and me getting caught would have been way more uncool. Do you want me to send him a card? With my DNA all over it? I watch CSI.”
“You do?”
“It’s a talky show. They explain most stuff.”
Foggy pauses, then kneels down and puts his head on Matt’s chest like it’s a pillow. “Your shirt is soft, but I am still mad at you.”
“It is really soft. That’s why I’m wearing it.” He raises one hand. “Karen. Candy.”
“Throw stuff at him!”
“Foggy, not helping.”
She doesn’t move an inch off the couch. “What the hell are you guys talking about?”
There’s a long pause, and then Matt says, “I’m Batman.”
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Dumpster Fires Verse by deniigiq
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Daredevil (TV), Deadpool (2016), Deadpool - All Media Types, Hawkeye (Comics), Iron Man (Movies), Jessica Jones (TV), Marvel, Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types, POKEMON Detective Pikachu (2019), She-Hulk, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
21 Oct 2019
Summary
My collection of Team Red stories because they are all hot messes. Except Peter. Two-Thirds of them are hot messes.
- Words:
- 174,212
- Works:
- 41
- Bookmarks:
- 2,406
Bookmarked by covertpartyhat
10 Jun 2019
Bookmarker's Notes
It wasn’t quite Legally Blonde; Elle didn’t have to choke a guy out to keep him from calling all his science buddies to come hide the evidence of their non-FDA approved animal testing scheme. But you know what, Red deserved a little credit; he’d really gotten creative with this one, so Wade was going to let him continue on in the role.
“Double D, are you still in love with your best friend?” Spidey asked, having been rewarded with ice cream for his own role as Snow White to all domesticated pets and getting them out of the rapidly burning warehouse with stunning calmness and efficiency.
Red choked on his hippie vegan sorbet and then proceeded to reenact the scene with the chokehold on Wade.
Oscar-worthy, truly.
“I’m not in love with my best friend,” Red defended, “I am royally, and probably perpetually, cursed to die sad and alone.”
Spidey read this for what it actually was and went straight for the jugular.
“So are you just never gonna tell him or what?”
Red put down his vegan hippie shit to slide down in despair and stretch out miserably all over the roof.
“I did tell him,” he whined. “And he told me he wasn’t emotionally available to someone with a death wish.”
Damn, Red’s best friend, good for you for being a real adult. He was setting a great example for Spidey.
“And you said?” Spidey pressed. Red covered his face with his hands.
“I didn’t say anything because—”
“You were sobbing?” Wade interrupted.
“I was sobbing,” Red conceded, “And he’s totally right and deserves someone so much better than me. Fuck.”
Wade was gonna go ahead and diagnose this one with self-loathing.
“Did you tell him you don’t have a death wish?” Spidey asked with his plastic spoon in his mouth. Kid was vicious, fuck. Wade made a mental note to add interrogation skills to his file at home.
“I can’t lie to F—I can’t lie to him. He knows me too well. We were roommates for all of grad school.”
Wade screamed internally because this was just getting better and better. Spidey was staring with wide eyes.
“And you were roomates?” he whispered.
“Did you guys fool around?” Wade asked, because someone needed to be asking the important questions around here and Red was miserable enough to be forthcoming with information for once. Red gave up on the melted sorbet.
“We did, I think? I don’t remember, I was so fucking drunk. I mean, to this day, I don’t know how I survived that night. I was well into alcohol poisoning territory.”
Spidey was learning so much. Wade hoped this would serve as a lesson to him for his future college experience.
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Tags
Summary
Amy had this thing where she did stuff that normally would’ve annoyed the hell out of Rosa, except it didn’t annoy Rosa at all. Which was confusing. Also, annoying.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 7,547
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 2
- Comments:
- 260
- Kudos:
- 4,771
- Bookmarks:
- 848
- Hits:
- 38,021
Bookmarked by covertpartyhat
31 May 2019
Bookmarker's Notes
The bodega closest to Rosa’s apartment was her favorite bodega in the city, for three reasons:
1. It didn’t try to be anything but a bodega.
2. The guy who worked the register was just afraid enough of Rosa that he’d never tried to hit on her, but not afraid enough to stop being a smartass.
3. They made their coffee with sweetened condensed milk. It tasted disgusting, but at this point, Rosa liked complaining about it more than she liked drinking good coffee.
“Hey, it’s Xena!” Sonny called when they walked in. The nickname thing was new. It was a mark against him. On the other hand: people not knowing her real name was a plus, so. A draw.
Rosa narrowed her eyes. “Wanna guess how many different ways I could break your arm?” she said.
Sonny shrugged. “Not sure why you’d need more than one. What’re you buying? Anything interesting?”
Amy glanced back and forth between them. “Two coffees? Decaf?”
“Sure,” said Sonny. “On the house.”
“Uh, really?” said Amy.
“When I say, ‘free coffee for life—’” Sonny said.
Rosa remembered him saying it, but she hadn’t thought he was serious. Amy raised her eyebrows, like, ‘Is there a story here?’
“You haven’t heard about this?” Sonny asked Amy. She shook her head. “So, my cousin’s kid hangs out here after school sometimes. Some older boys’ve been bullying her, all that shit. The other day, Xena here stops by for some gum, and while she’s in line, she starts teaching the kid self-defense moves. By the time Xena makes it up to the counter, little Claudia has learned how to break an attacker’s nose, five different ways to take a dude down, and all the major pressure points on the human body. Claudia’s in kindergarten, by the way. She came in crying, and now when she grows up, she wants to be a ninja.”
“Awwww,” said Amy, pulling a more misty-eyed version of the cartoon deer face. “That’s so sweet.”
Rosa wasn’t sure what to say to that. She hadn’t been trying to do anything. She just didn’t know how else to talk to kids.
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Spidey of the Nine-Nine by ciaconnaa
Fandom: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
07 Apr 2019
- Words:
- 38,058
- Works:
- 4
- Bookmarks:
- 633
Bookmarked by covertpartyhat
30 May 2019
Bookmarker's Tags:
Bookmarker's Notes
Michelle does now. She understands. Women really do run the workforce. But at least Rosa is here and maybe if they can get inside fast enough they can avoid running into Tony -
A familiar Mustang with a fresh coat of blue paint comes pulls into the school lot.
“Be. Cool.” She warns, already tugging Jake towards the front door.
“Be cool? I’m always cool. Who - wait that’s my plate. Is that my car? Peter, you said it wasn’t done yet, what’s going OH MY GOD IT’S IRON MAN.”
Yeah, that’s not being cool.
Stark is dressed flashier this time around: slacks, suit vest, tie, white button up rolled up to the elbows and a pair of rose gold sunglasses. His shoes alone are probably worth more than a month’s rent at her parents’ place.
“Hey squirt,” Tony greets, walking over to give Peter a hug before he tosses Michelle the keys to the Mustang. He seems to be oblivious so her uncle’s mini stroke. “Just finished her this morning. Like brand new.”
Jake blinks. “Whoa whoa whoa.” He points a finger at Peter. “What’s happening. Why is Tony Stark driving my car?”
Ned tries filling the pieces to Peter’s ridiculous backstory, and fast. “Peter is Stark’s intern. They met through his application for the September Grant.”
“Yep!” Peter nods. “Mr. Stark let me borrow his garage and use his supplies to fix your car!”
“You never told me you know Tony Stark!” Jake squeaks, tossing Peter a half-hearted dirty look. “That’s like, the coolest fun fact about a person. That should have been the first thing you mentioned. And you!” he looks at Michelle. “You’ve met Spider-Man and Iron Man?”
Tony elbows Peter when Jake and Rosa aren’t looking. Michelle just shrugs.
“You should write a novel,” he goes on to say before he looks at Stark with what can only be described as childlike wonder. “Hi, Mr. Iron Man, I’m Jake Peralta. I’m Michelle’s uncle. And, not to brag,” he starts before he totally starts to brag, “But I’m kinda Spider-man’s sidekick.”
Both Rosa and Ned have impressive, matching eye rolls.
“Oh really?” And Stark’s eyes briefly flicker Peter’s way. Peter is looking down, finding his shoes just downright fascinating. “Didn’t know he was shopping for help. Good to know.”
“Yeah, it’s - it’s still pretty new. But we’re buds, for sure. Thanks for the car."
"You like it?" Peter asks, clearly desperate for a subject change. "We spent forever on the paint color. I wanted to paint it like the Mystery Machine, but Michelle said no."
"What!? That would have been so cool!"
Peter's smile is too smug for her liking.
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the conspiracy kids by tempestaurora
Fandom: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
13 Oct 2018
Summary
in which peter, harley and ned ask the all-important question: WHO IS SPIDER-MAN?
- Words:
- 13,531
- Works:
- 3
- Bookmarks:
- 3,949
Bookmarked by covertpartyhat
15 May 2019
Bookmarker's Notes
Only three hours after the press conference, Peter’s phone pinged with a notification.
I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH SPIDER-MAN AND DIDN’T KNOW IT
The video aired two hours after Peter’s video of him laughing for five minutes straight. Peter pulled Harley and Ned away from their screens to watch Flash’s video. It was already steadily gaining views as the entire world was searching for information on Peter Parker now.
It opened with Flash Thompson looking dead-eyed into the camera lens.
“Are you FUCKING KIDDING M-”
It cut to him breathing heavily, pinching the bridge of his nose. “PETER-FUCKING-PARKER.”
He was close to the camera, then, rage glowing in his eyes. “Peter. Fucking. Parker. Peter. Fucking. Parker. I went to school with that asshole for four years. He was on this channel. He looked me dead in the eye and said that he had no idea who Spider-Man was. HE SAID HE SAW TONY STARK WEARING SPANDEX UNDER HIS CLOTHIN-”
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Dragonstone by Danivat (DannieU)
Fandoms: Game of Thrones (TV), A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms
14 Apr 2017
Tags
Summary
After the death of his brother, Robert Baratheon needs a loyalist Lord on Dragonstone. He also really wants back in Ned's good graces.
Or, the Game goes on after the Rebellions. The Starks still won't play, but everyone is playing the Game all around them, and Jon Sand has somehow become an important piece. Robert Baratheon, unknowingly, is the Targaryens' greatest asset.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 100,466
- Chapters:
- 21/21
- Collections:
- 3
- Comments:
- 1,389
- Kudos:
- 8,157
- Bookmarks:
- 3,337
- Hits:
- 359,824
Bookmarked by covertpartyhat
30 Nov 2016
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Bookmarker's Notes
"After the War, I made sure my allies were well rewarded," Robert said, and Jon did his best not to remember what that had done to the coffers. "I had nothing to give Ned, even though he had lost more than anyone." His eyes were shining with that old fervour again, as though he truly believed Ned was to be wooed with extravagant gifts, like some offended Lady. "The Vale and the Riverlands were on our side as well, after all, and Ned had no use for territory in Dorne or the Reach. I can give this to him now, through his son. And who better to hold the Gullet than a Stark? Lord Jon's Lady Aunt, uncle and Lord grandfather were slain by the Targaryens. He would never let them through."
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Tags
Summary
It takes a Village to make a relationship--Or, at least, a bunch of over-reaching grumpy old farts, a military leader with a bit too much to drink, a nosy but well meaning kunoichi, eight ninken, and the power of youth. And a really cranky chakra monster with nine tails and a penchant for swearing.
Series
- Part 1 of Making Arrangements
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 189,984
- Chapters:
- 19/19
- Collections:
- 10
- Comments:
- 283
- Kudos:
- 3,479
- Bookmarks:
- 1,506
- Hits:
- 104,280
Bookmarked by covertpartyhat
25 Sep 2016
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Bookmarker's Notes
“Right.” Naruto said, ignoring the boy’s actions. “Like I was saying, I’m pretty sure he’s convinced himself he’s no good for me—“
“Why aren’t you going to Ino or Sakura for this,” interrupted the Uchiha. “Don’t they spend most of their time discussing things like this anyway? I’m not—“
“I’ve gone to Sakura and Ino about this.” Naruto rolled her eyes with despairing drama. “Several times. They’ve had advice, but it’s not working. I’m beginning to think it’s because they’re socially well-adjusted and well, he’s not. So I thought I might go to someone who was similarly situated and try to get things from their perspective. You know, see if one man with a traumatizing childhood, overly-developed fear of loss, and chronic untreated PTSD might understand another.”
Sasuke stared at her flatly for a good five seconds. “Well that’s flattering.”
“I thought it was a sound strategy,” nodded Naruto, ignoring the deadpanned sarcasm. “But like, Ino and Sakura had advice on how to dress and how to act and what to say and while I think it’s worked in the sense that he no longer sees me as a child, it hasn’t worked to actually make him, you know, do anything.”
“Naruto.” Sasuke sounded as if someone were digging an elbow into his rib cage, and looked as if he hoped an exit sign might suddenly start magically flashing over the kitchen window. He ruffled his hair in aggravation and scrunched his face up. “You can’t make someone like you, you know.”
“That’s debatable,” said Naruto promptly, eyes sliding toward Sasuke as if his existence might be the very example for her ability to break that rule. She pulled a kunai out of a pocket and spun it around her fingers.
Sasuke bristled.
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Tags
Summary
She seemed determined enough. Maybe she'd be able to finally answer the question that had been bugging him for a while now, since he had realised he'd forgotten the answer years ago. What colour was his carpet?
Series
- Part 1 of Hikari and Gai
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 44,116
- Chapters:
- 14/14
- Collections:
- 5
- Comments:
- 88
- Kudos:
- 1,006
- Bookmarks:
- 358
- Hits:
- 12,061
Bookmarked by covertpartyhat
12 Jan 2016
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Bookmarker's Notes
"Fuck me, she might actually manage to do it," he muttered to Genma as they left.
"Yeah?" Genma asked, surprised. "The best I was hoping for was to learn what colour my carpet was."
Aoba snorted. "Dude, you don't have carpet. You have floorboards."
Genma stopped dead.
"Seriously?" he asked.
Aoba just shook his head. "You're pathetic."
Genma ignored him and smiled. "Floorboards! It's been bugging me for months!"
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Tags
Summary
After receiving a time travel jutsu as payment for a mission, the original four members of Team 7 each get a chance to go back to one event in their life and change it. Surely they will use such an awesome power responsibly...right? Don't count on it.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 106,417
- Chapters:
- 36/36
- Collections:
- 12
- Comments:
- 273
- Kudos:
- 2,183
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- 1,061
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- 59,747
Bookmarked by covertpartyhat
14 Sep 2015
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Bookmarker's Notes
"I make no promises when I get to Naruto," Sasuke said. "We don't get to fight nearly enough."
"You guys fight every day!" Sakura objected.
"That's sparring, Sakura," Naruto corrected her. "There's a difference."
"Who the hell uses A-class jutsu during a spar?" Sakura demanded.
"We do, obviously," Sasuke replied, somewhat condescendingly.
"I still have that kunai Kiba gave me, you know," Sakura warned him.
"All the awesome people use dangerous and potentially lethal jutsu in friendly spars," Naruto explained. "But hey, at least we check to see if anyone else is around before we start. Well, usually. Sometimes. When we remember."
"I think we checked once," Sasuke remarked.
"And no one was there," Naruto announced.
"You guys are going to end up killing someone someday," Sakura said, shaking her head ruefully.
"Sakura? Hate to break it to you but we're ninja. Killing people is what we do," Naruto pointed out. "Well…when we're not saving them from themselves."
"But you're not supposed to be killing random people who happen to walk by you two sparring!" Sakura protested.
"I have two really tough matches ahead of me," Sasuke mused. "And I'm telling you now, Naruto: if you lose to Temari I'm firing you as my rival and hiring her instead. The fact she's three days away is a bit of a problem, but me living in Oto or just outright travelling never hurt our rivalry so that shouldn't be a problem. Although I'd have to do something about Ino as I refuse to share a rival with her."
"How can you fire me as your rival?" Naruto demanded. "You're not exactly paying me!"
"I buy you ramen," Sasuke pointed out. "And given how much you eat I think that's more than generous, especially as you profit from our rivalry as well."
"Point," Naruto conceded.
"Wait…" Sakura said slowly. "What do you MEAN you only have two difficult matches coming up? You're the only one without a bye and you're facing me, Gaara, and then Naruto should you win your first two."
"Yeah, but even though Gaara and Naruto are worthy adversaries…I'm also fighting you, Sakura," Sasuke pointed out reasonably. Or so he thought, anyway.
"What part of 'I just kicked Neji's ass' makes you think I'll be that easy to take down?" Sakura demanded.
"I wasn't actually there for that fight," Sasuke reminded her. "And unlike Naruto, I didn't leave a Kage Bunshin behind to give me the memories of the fight. For all I know, Neji got all pissy that he couldn't finish those monologues he's apparently so fond of and quit."
"Your death will be slow and painful," Sakura promised.
"Probably," Sasuke agreed. "But God knows it won't be at your hand."
Sensing Sakura's darkening mood, Naruto wisely grabbed Sakura's hand and started dragging her off towards the medical area. "Come on, let's go visit Neji. I can evaluate how well your Therapy Jutsu worked and after what he said about stalking your hospital room, seeing you will probably give him a panic attack…"
-
Tags
Summary
Devastated by Sasuke's proposal for Sakura to be his first wife of many, Sakura joins Kakashi for drinks. Just how much more does her old sensei have to teach his favorite student? Their mutual attraction leads to an unexpected shift in their relationship. Meanwhile, Ino is also over her status as a Sasuke fangirl. She's started to notice the merits of Sakura's other teammate, Sai.
Series
- Part 5 of Kakashi and Sakura stories
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 48,999
- Chapters:
- 10/10
- Collections:
- 2
- Comments:
- 41
- Kudos:
- 870
- Bookmarks:
- 212
- Hits:
- 17,028
Bookmarked by covertpartyhat
15 Jan 2015
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Tags
Summary
When Castiel's offered a senior position in the Heavenly Host, he decides that before he commits himself he'd better take that holiday on Earth he's always wanted. So he does, and he meets Dean.
Inspired by the movie Coming to America.
Bookmarked by covertpartyhat
03 Apr 2014
Bookmarker's Tags:
Bookmarker's Notes
“It’s just tedious.”
Castiel tries to recall whether he’d found any of it tedious. “Sorry, no, I have to disagree with you there, sir.”
Dean sputters. “No. Don’t – geez. Don’t call me sir.”
Castiel considers this. “Master?”
“What?”
“My lord?”
“The hell.” Now Dean just looks disturbed. “Just… Dean. Dean is fine. More than fine, even.”
“Very well, Dean,” Castiel says, making a mental note that formal forms of address are more fluid now.